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SHERLOCK & CO., EPISODE 1
《神探夏洛克&公司》第1集
MR. SHERLOCK HOLMES
夏洛克·福尔摩斯先生
[MICROPHONE BEING MISHANDLED.]
[麦克风处理不当。
JOHN
Hi. My name is Docst–
你好。我叫 Docst——
[HE SIGHS. CLEARS HIS THROAT.]
[他叹了口气。清了清嗓子。
JOHN
Hey guys, I’m John Wats– Hmm. Bugger.
嘿伙计们，我是 John Wats——嗯。
[HE CLEARS HIS THROAT AGAIN.]
[他再次清了清嗓子。
SHERLOCK
福尔摩斯
What on Earth are you doing?
你到底 在做什么？
JOHN
Shut up, just– Let me focus. Yeah?
闭嘴，只是——让我集中注意力。是的？
SHERLOCK
福尔摩斯
Yes, focus, of course… Quite the Herculean task, isn’t it? Saying one’s name.
是的，专注，当然......这是一项艰巨的任务，不是吗？说出自己的名字。
JOHN
Shh.
嘘。
[HE CLEARS HIS THROAT A FINAL TIME.]
[他最后一次清了清嗓子。
Hi. My name is Doctor John Watson, and I’m here with my flatmate, Sherlock Holmes, who is the subject matter for my podca–
你好。我叫约翰·华生医生，和我的室友夏洛克·福尔摩斯一起在这里，他是我 podca 的主题 ——
[SHERLOCK BEGINS TO PLAY VIOLIN. HE DOES NOT STOP WHEN JOHN BEGINS TO SPEAK.]
[夏洛克开始拉小提琴。当约翰开始说话时，他并没有停下来。
JOHN
What’re you doing? Can you– Can you put the violin down? Please, just, just for a minute.
你在做什么？你能——你能放下小提琴吗？拜托，就一分钟。
SHERLOCK
福尔摩斯
Watson, I really must be getting back to my work.
Watson，我真的得回去工作了。
JOHN
Just… Please.
只。。。请。
[SHERLOCK STOPS PLAYING. SOMETHING CLINKS.]
[夏洛克停止播放。有什么东西叮叮当当。
SHERLOCK
福尔摩斯
Your… microphone is in the wrong mode.
你。。。microphone 处于错误的模式。
JOHN
Right. D’you know what? This is stupid. Yeah? This, just– I’ll do the pre-titles myself. Okay? Get out. Out. Out!
右。你知道吗？这太愚蠢了。是的？这个，只是——我自己做前标题。好？出去。外。外！
[A DOOR SHUTS. MIC IS ADJUSTED.]
[一扇门关上了。麦克风已调整。
JOHN
Hi. I’m Doctor John Watson. This podcast contains strong language, depictions of violence, and some graphic content. Listener discretion is advised. Ah! Drug references, forgot drug references, balls–
你好。我是 John Watson 医生。此播客包含粗俗的语言、暴力描述和一些血腥内容。建议听众谨慎行事。啊！药物参考、忘记药物参考、球——
[MIC SHUFFLING SOUNDS. RECORDING ENDS.]
[麦克风的拖曳声。录制结束。
[NEW RECORDING BEGINS. MIC SHUFFLING SOUNDS.]
[新录制开始。麦克风的随机播放声。
[TANK ENGINES RUNNING, OCCASIONALLY REVVING.]
[坦克引擎运转，偶尔加速。
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 1
身份不明的声音 1
Slava Ukraini!
斯拉瓦乌克兰人！
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 2
身份不明的声音 2
Slava Ukraini!
斯拉瓦乌克兰人！
JOHN
Slava Ukraine.
斯拉瓦乌克兰。
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE 3
身份不明的声音 3
Heroiam Ukraini!
英雄乌克兰 ！
SOLDIER 1
士兵 1
(cough) Hey, doctor… Yoohoo! Doc! (whistle) Hey Watson! (amused laugh) Are you recording?
（咳嗽）嘿，博士......哟呼！医生！（哨声）嘿 Watson！（逗笑）你在录音吗？
JOHN
Yep, I am. Yeah.
是的，我是。是的。
SOLDIER 2
士兵 2
You better blur my face out, eh? (laugh)
你最好把我的脸模糊掉，嗯？ （笑）
JOHN
I'm not putting it anywhere, drama queen.
我没有把它放在任何地方，戏剧女王。
SOLDIER 1
士兵 1
‘Blur my face out’, that's funny.
'模糊我的脸'，这很有趣。
Would you get arrested? Back home?
你会被逮捕吗？回家了？
JOHN
Uh… dunno.
呃。。。不知道。
SOLDIER 3
士兵 3
Volunteering in Ukraine is not advised, put it that way.
不建议在乌克兰做志愿者，这么说吧。
SOLDIER 1
士兵 1
Frowned upon? Right?
不满？右？
JOHN
Yep, something like that.
是的，差不多。
SOLDIER 2
士兵 2
Pullin up, ‘ere!
拉起来，哎呀！
SOLDIER 3
士兵 3
Shh, pullin up ‘ere, he said.
嘘，拉起来，他说。
SOLDIER 1
士兵 1
Here? We’re gonna pull up here? (sigh) God…
这里？ 我们要停在这里 ？ （叹气） 上帝......
[HELICOPTER PROPELLER SOUNDS.]
[直升机螺旋桨的声音。
When we stop, uh-
SOLDIER 2
Eyes on the road.
SOLDIER 1
- we move into the woodland, okay?
- 我们搬到林地里，好吗？
[AUDIO CUT TO AMBIENT OUTDOOR SOUNDS– CICADAS, BIRDS CHIRPING, FAST PACED FOOTSTEPS RUNNING IN BRUSH, LEAVES CRUNCHING UNDER FEET, JOHN PANTING FROM EXERTION.]
[FOOTSTEPS SLOW TO A WALKING PACE.]
SOLDIER 3
Check it out, there’s a right nasty one, here…
SOLDIER 2
士兵 2
H-hey, we've got bodies, we've got some bodies.
嘿嘿，我们有尸体，我们有一些尸体。
JOHN
Jesus Christ…
上帝啊。。。
[CONTINUED SLOW FOOTSTEPS.]
[继续缓慢的脚步声。
SOLDIER 3
士兵 3
We’ve got shelling, again.
我们又遇到了炮击。
[SOUNDS OF DISTANT GUNFIRE.]
[远处传来枪声。
JOHN
They’re definitely Russian.
他们绝对是俄罗斯人。
SOLDIER 1
士兵 1
Yeah, they're not ours. Ugh. Call it in. (louder) Uhhh, get back in the truck, we’ll stop half a mile further East, okay?
是的，他们不是我们的。呸。打电话进来。（大声） 呃，回到卡车里，我们再往东半英里停，好吗？
JOHN
Hold on…
坚持。。。
SOLDIER 3
士兵 3
What’s there?
那里有什么？
JOHN
There’s someone here.
这里有人。
[SUDDEN PANICKED HYPERVENTILATING.]
[突然惊慌失措，换气过度。
SOLDIER 1
士兵 1
They’re Russian, man. Leave ‘em.
他们是俄罗斯人，伙计。离开他们。
[LOUDER HYPERVENTILATING, STIFLED CRYING.]
[大声的呼吸急促，令人窒息的哭泣。
JOHN
Y’alright, mate?
你还好吗，伙计？
SOLDIER 2
士兵 2
Watson, we’re heading back to the road.
Watson，我们要回路了。
SOLDIER 3
士兵 3
Watson, come on, we're heading back to the road.
Watson，来吧，我们要回路了。
JOHN
–Yeah yeah yeah, two secs…
–是的，是的，两秒钟......
SOLDIER 1
士兵 1
Woah woah woah woah, what do you mean, he’s not coming with us-
哇，你什么意思，他不跟我们来——
JOHN
He can, he’ll make it, it’s- it's not too bad a wound, to be honest.
他可以 ，他会挺过来的，只是——老实说，这还不算太严重。
[CLOSER GUNFIRE.]
[更近的枪声。
SOLDIER 3
士兵 3
That shelling’s getting close, move, now-
炮击越来越近了，移动，现在——
JOHN
We have to take him-
我们得带他——
SOLDIER 1
士兵 1
(aggravated) We don’t have to do anything! Leave him here and move. Now.
（加重） 我们什么都不用做！把他留在这里，然后搬家。 现在 。
[HEAVY BREATHING, PANICKED CRYING.]
[沉重的呼吸，惊慌的哭泣。
(yelling) NOW!
（大喊）现在！
JOHN
He’s a kid, he’s just-
他是个孩子 ，他只是——
[JOHN IS INTERRUPTED BY A SUDDEN BEEPING SOUND.]
[约翰被突然的哔哔声打断。
SOLDIER 1
士兵 1
What was that?
那是什么 ？
[BEEPING CONTINUES.]
[哔哔声继续。
What’s he got?
他得到了什么？
JOHN
What did you just do?
你刚才做了什么？
[ONE PROLONGED BEEP.]
[一声长长的哔哔声。
Oh, shit- run, run, RUN!
哦， 该死 ——快跑，快跑，快跑！
[JOHN PANTING WHILE RUNNING HURRIEDLY.]
[约翰匆忙奔跑时喘着粗气。
SOLDIER 1
Get outta here!
[EXPLOSION, JOHN’S CUT OFF SCREAM.]
[PODCAST INTRO THEME STARTS PLAYING.]
John! John!
JOHN
(muffled screaming) Aah, somebody help me! (clearer) Somebody help me!
[WAR AUDIO CLIP FADES OUT.]
[PODCAST INTRO THEME CONTINUES PLAYING, PODCAST VOICEOVER BEGINS.]
JOHN
My name is Doctor John Watson– once of the British army Northumberland Fusilier regiment, now a true crime podcaster based in central London. I don't have much experience in criminology, so this is mostly a record of how I met possibly the most brilliant and bizarre person I have ever and will ever know. Join me as I document the adventures of Sherlock Holmes.
[INTRO THEME CONCLUDES. RECORDING ENDS]
[RECORDING BEGINS. IMMEDIATE ONSLAUGHT OF MICROPHONE MOTION CRACKLING.]
[CHILL FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.]
BACKGROUND SPEAKER
(recorded audio) – The Criterion. The hub of London. Providing nearly 150 years of excellence. Download the Criterion app today, for exclusive rewards –
[BUTTONS CLICKING.]
JOHN
Ooo-kay… I’m gonna assume this flashing red light means… well, it means it’s, it’s recording, and, and r- um–
UNKNOWN SPEAKER
‘Scuse me!
JOHN
Hi! (thump) Hi there. John Watson. D– Uh, Doctor John Watson. It’s, uhm… Mary, isn’t it?
UNKNOWN SPEAKER
I think you’ve got me conf– Are you leaving?
JOHN
Am… I… leaving?
UNKNOWN SPEAKER
Yeah, can we grab this table?
JOHN
It– Ah, uhm. I, I thought that, uh… Haha, ha, uh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Take, take, uhm. Take the bloody table. (awkward laugh, cough, clearing throat)
[SLIGHT SCRAPING AGAINST MICROPHONE AS HE RELOCATES.]
JOHN
‘Scuse me, could I get a pint of –
BARTENDER
Out of pints, mate, bottle.
JOHN
Sorry, what?
BARTENDER
Bottles.
JOHN
Right, yeah, bottle. Bottle of the pilsner, please, mate.
[MIC IS DRAWN CLOSER.]
If you are wondering, that is the sound of being stood up. So… yeah. (clears throat)
BARTENDER
5.90, please, mate.
JOHN
‘Course it is.
[SOMETHING BEEPS. MORE MIC SHIFTING NOISES.]
…Yeah, this is stupid. I am turning this off.
STAMFORD
It is you. Hah! Mad! (laughter)
JOHN
Hiya?
STAMFORD
John. It’s me. Stamford. Stammo! How ya doing?
JOHN
Stamford! Jesus Christ!
[STAMFORD STILL LAUGHING.]
JOHN
How– You look great, mate, how’re you doin’?
STAMFORD
Yeah, yeah, I’m alright, mate, I’m alright! C’mere!
[JOHN IS ROUGHLY PATTED ON THE BACK DURING HUG.]
JOHN
Ahh, steady.
STAMFORD
Ope!
JOHN
Walking wounded these days.
STAMFORD
Ahh, bloody hell, you’re kidding! What happened?
JOHN
I went to war, didn’t I?
STAMFORD
Ah, yeah, yeah. Afghanistan.
JOHN
Yep, yeah. And the rest.
STAMFORD
Ah, yeah, y– Lukas said you’re in Ukraine!
JOHN
Uh, I’m on his couch, actually, but y- yeah, I was in Ukraine, yeah.
STAMFORD
Christ! But you’re staying with Lukas now? Jeez, I dunno what’s worse!
JOHN
(slightly stilted laugh) Yeah, yeah, just, uh, just staying with him for a bit. D’you wanna drink, Stammo?
STAMFORD
Yeah, I’d love one.
JOHN
‘Scuse me-! Oh, uh, let me just turn this off…
[RECORDING STOPS, THEN RESTARTS WHEN JOHN’S TURNED THE MIC BACK ON.]
JOHN
It’s a microphone. Good bit of kit. Just, uh, have to get my head around all the settings and, uhh… Y’know, the… yeah.
STAMFORD
What, you, uhm– (chuckles) You gonna give us a song?
JOHN
Yeah, no, it’s, uhm– Hah. I was planning on doing a podcast.
STAMFORD
You and everybody else, ay? (laughs)
JOHN
For vets.
STAMFORD
For vets?
JOHN
War vets. Veterans, you know- not like actual vets.
STAMFORD
Haha! Sorry, for a minute there I was picturing you with your hand up a cow’s arse, or something, doing your podcast.
[THEY BOTH LAUGH.]
JOHN
Well, you’ve seen me do worse.
STAMFORD
Well, yeah, that’s… That’s uni for you, innit?
[LAUGHTER.]
JOHN
You gonna head back on? Or you staying in London? Gonna drain yourself in the great cesspool?
JOHN
Expensive cesspool. Um… I’m gonna get a flat share, or something, for a few months. Y’know, see if– I dunno, if I can get a bargain somewhere.
[STAMFORD HUFFS OUT A LAUGH.]
JOHN
Yeah, I know. I know. No chance! Comfortable rooms, reasonable price–?
STAMFORD
No no no no no, it’s just, uhm… You’re the second person that’s said that to me today.
JOHN
Who was the first?
[RECORDING STOPS.]
[RECORDING RESTARTS. THE CURRENT SCENE FEATURES THE UNCEASING SOUND OF A TREADMILL RUNNING, UP UNTIL MARKED.]
STAMFORD
Sherlock Holmes! Oh my God, what is he doing?
JOHN
Stammo… Why is he on a treadmill, covered in blood?
STAMFORD
Uhm… Sherlock Holmes, John Watson, John Watson, Sherlock Holmes.
JOHN
Hiya, mate… You okay? Er, you’re, you’re, you’re bleeding, d’you wanna slow down?
SHERLOCK
I can’t live with him. He’s a criminal.
JOHN
(disbelieving laugh) Sorry?
SHERLOCK
Fighting or assisting those in Ukraine amount to offences under UK legislation.
JOHN
(cough) Stammo, did you, uhm –
STAMFORD
(cutting him off) I’m, uh, I’m gonna shoot off.
JOHN
– Did you message him, or something?
STAMFORD
(overlapping) Bloody great to see you, John, it’s been too long, mate, I’ll see you soon, right – and Sherlock?
SHERLOCK
Mhm?
STAMFORD
Nice to see ya. Bye lads!
JOHN
Stammo! D- D’you maybe wanna examine him? Or something?
STAMFORD
See ya later!
JOHN
Stamm- Stammo!
[DOOR SHUTS.]
JOHN
(confused, still calling after Stamford) Hello!
[PAUSE.]
JOHN
So I, uh – I, I don’t know what Stamford – Uhm, Stammo, we, I-I-I used to call him Stammo, ‘s a stupid university thing… (laughs)
[SHORTER PAUSE.]
JOHN
(clears his throat) Yeah, I, I don’t know what he sent on, about me, but, ehm… Yeah, I’m John, I’m a doctor –
SHERLOCK
(slightly out of breath) Yes. You said, shortly after I had observed it myself. An average doctor and an average military man. Didn’t even complete your medical training upon arrival at Sandhurst, and yet you chalked up three tours of Afghanistan. I wouldn’t brag too strongly about the doctor credentials, and evidently the military credentials leave a lot to be desired.
JOHN
Wh- What did you just say?
SHERLOCK
(still out of breath) Feel free to have a listen again when you upload your audio tonight. Not that you have any idea how that mic works. You don’t want to use an omnidirectional mic for interviews, Doctor Watson – and perhaps you should think less about, uh, saving money, and more about better microphones with varying modes, such as cardioid bidirectional and stereo? Hold this.
JOHN
Hold what? I- Oh, what the hell is that? How did you know all of that?
SHERLOCK
(even more out of breath) This is scanning an electron microscopic transmission of the ventricle wall of the hypothalamus. Right here. And of course, intraventricular dendrite terminals of the cerebrospinal fluids, and I think the Infundibular lobe – heh. Not sure. We’ll see. That’s what the hell it is. And I know all about you because I observed it, Doctor.
JOHN
Right. And, uhm… Why are you bleeding?
SHERLOCK
Because I stabbed myself in the chest.
JOHN
…Okay. Uhm. Wh… Why did you stab yourself in the chest?
SHERLOCK
Experiment. Do me a favour: stab me in the arm with that knife over there, will you?
JOHN
Absolutely not! What are you- What are you experimenting on?
SHERLOCK
I told you. I’m monitoring the hypothalamus.
JOHN
What for?
SHERLOCK
The hypothalamus endorphin response from the vigorous exercise is nature’s painkiller, Doctor Watson! For the first time, I, Sherlock Holmes, am recording the volume and response of these hormones.
JOHN
(slightly dry) Great! Great. When is it gonna be done?
SHERLOCK
It’s –
[SOMETHING CLICKS.]
Done.
[THE TREADMILL SLOWS UNTIL IT STOPS. SHERLOCK HUFFS FOR BREATH.]
JOHN
Well, well done you.
SHERLOCK
Indeed! Did she give you a reason?
JOHN
Di- Who- Did she- What? Sorry?
SHERLOCK
Why she stood you up? Did she give you a reason.
JOHN
How did you know that?
SHERLOCK
Doctor Watson, I exhibit often– erratic behaviour, interspersed with lengthy episodes of depression. I’m an insomniac, a megalomaniac, and a coprophiliac.
(faint, short laugh) That’s a joke.
JOHN
Ah! Right. Haha, hah.
SHERLOCK
(slowly) I’m not really a coprophiliac.
JOHN
I- I, I don’t know what that is.
SHERLOCK
A sexual attraction to human waste? Did they not teach you that at Sandhurst?
JOHN
…No.
SHERLOCK
Ah. Also, according to the DSM, I have ADHD, ASD, SPD, DMDD, ODD, and DID. You have PTSD, that one I don’t have. For now… I also smoke.
JOHN
(trying to laugh) I don’t have PTSD.
SHERLOCK
It’s much easier we find out now rather than later. After the deposit and first month’s rent.
JOHN
Ohhhh… Ehm… Oh! Oh, ehm, I… have a dog. W-Well, my mum has the dog, but I- I’ll probably get Archie back now that I’m in the UK, so… yeah. I have a, uhm, a dog.
SHERLOCK
I like dogs. (ominously) Very cooperative.
JOHN
Uhh, what else about me… Well, uh, I –
SHERLOCK
(overlapping) I know everything else. Don’t touch that. I… also play the violin.
JOHN
Uh-huh? Uh, are we starting a band as well? Heh heh.
SHERLOCK
No. I play the violin. Violins are loud. Not everyone would appreciate a flatmate that plays loud instruments at unsociable hours. Particularly someone who’s just been blown up.
JOHN
Right! Uh… No, that- that’s not a- not a problem… D- D’you fancy a pint? Or something? Just, just to sort of…
[SCRATCHING SOUNDS.]
… y’know, break the ice. Release some more… endorphins…
SHERLOCK
It’s the urea nitrate.
JOHN
It’s–?
SHERLOCK
Your itch.
JOHN
Oh! No, (fabric slap; hitting his own leg) it’s, um, it’s from the scarring on my leg.
[THIN THUMP.]
SHERLOCK
Hold this.
JOHN
What are you–?
SHERLOCK
(shaking something; slightly altered, like there’s something in his mouth) Stitching.
JOHN
(unbelieving) You’re doing your own stitches.
SHERLOCK
Mhm.
JOHN
Well– Would you like me to do that?
SHERLOCK
Do you have experience?
JOHN
Uh… I’m an army doctor.
SHERLOCK
Then be my guest.
[MICROPHONE IS SET DOWN. WE CAN ALSO HEAR THE STITCHES BEING PULLED THROUGHOUT THE PROCESS.]
SHERLOCK
When the IED exploded, did it make a dull thudding sound, or more of a metallic clang?
JOHN
Uh, don’t– I don’t really remember. Uh. Think the second one?
SHERLOCK
Yeah. Rubbish.
JOHN
Yeah, that’s war for you.
SHERLOCK
No.
[SOMETHING THUNKS.]
Your Russian adversaries’ supplies are so depleted, they resorted to building a totally useless IED right there on the front lines. An IED with not anywhere near enough urea nitrate to provide a stupidly over-ambitious 20-pound bomb with any kind of lethal capability. Your IED builder could’ve done with a little less I and a bit more ED.
(inhale) Nevertheless, as I said, that itch is from the urea nitrate. It’s a fertiliser, and it’s causing the irritation. Have you considered surgery? Alternatively, you can find a cream in Boots, although I’d recommend one with 1 to 1.5 percent cortisone. Tighter stitching, Doctor.
JOHN
Sorry, wh– What did- What did Stamford say to you?
SHERLOCK
He said ‘Sherlock Holmes, Doctor Watson, Doctor Watson, Sherlock Holmes’. Then he directed the rest of the brief conversation to you before saying he’ll see me later.
JOHN
No, the– He– Have you Googled me, or something?
SHERLOCK
No, and I wouldn’t find anything if I did, apart from a local paper in Wiltshire overdramatizing your bomb, only to be skim-read by some vaguely interested old school friends who can’t quite place you.
[SOFT THUD. OBJECTS CLINKING. SOMETHING HAS BEEN SET ASIDE.]
JOHN
Just, like– I don’t wanna get off on the wrong foot, or, y’know, but– It was really… It was a bloody good–
SHERLOCK
Doctor Watson. I know when the Foreign Legion entered the Kherson Oblast. I know the casualties it incurred. I know that an unnamed Brit suffered at the hands of a Russian booby trap, 1 kilometre from the Antonovsky Bridge. I know that. I could even harvest that kind of information from our friend Google, as you suggest.
I can tell by the way you limp that your bone and cartilage are intact. I can see that your itch is along the outer side of your calf. So not one piece of shrapnel from a bomb that would have detonated no further than… 10 yards, given the fuse and delay element, away from your good self perforated your leg. No exit wounds, no bone damage… No good.
[SILENCE.]
JOHN
I… Uhm.
SHERLOCK
(quickly) Want to go look at the flat?
JOHN
(quiet scoff) Sure.
[SOMEONE, PRESUMABLY SHERLOCK, FLICKS OUT THEIR COAT.]
SHERLOCK
Follow me.
JOHN
Slow down.
SHERLOCK
So what was her reason? I’m intrigued.
JOHN
She just didn’t turn up.
SHERLOCK
Fascinating.
[COMMERCIAL BREAK MUSIC PLAYS.]
[AMBIENT STREET SOUNDS.]
JOHN
(whistle) Very central, isn’t it?
[SILENCE.]
Blimey, won’t be needing the old zone three travel card for this place, eh? (sniff)
[SILENCE.]
(tongue click)
It’s… p- uh… part of a housing… scheme. Stammo said it was- it was- it was part of a housing… scheme… thing?
SHERLOCK
Yes. (contemplative hum)
JOHN
How’d you manage that?
SHERLOCK
Favours in exchange for services.
JOHN
Ha, aye… I won’t ask. (awkward laugh that quickly dies off)
[SILENCE.]
God, she’s running late, isn’t she? (tongue click) You know what will happen, though…
SHERLOCK
(unamused) What’s that?
JOHN
We’ll spend all this time waiting for one estate agent, and then two will show up. (laugh)
SHERLOCK
Why would two show up?
JOHN
N- no, it was… it was just a joke. Ya know, b-because we’re waiting on the street, like, uh, (tongue click) like for a bus…
SHERLOCK
(monotone) We’re not.
JOHN
No no no not- I mean, I mean it’s as if we’re waiting for a bus…
SHERLOCK
… Mhmm.
JOHN
And… yeah. Yeah, with the weird… phenomenon… L-London buses… you know. You wait- you wait around for them, and (laugh), and they always show up, like… you know, like two of them… appear… and- and it’s, it’s like… yeah.
SHERLOCK
I suggest you edit out this part of your podcast.
JOHN
Ah. Yes. Right.
SHERLOCK
It isn't a phenomenon, doctor. Bus A and bus B have staggered departure times. Bus A picks up the bulk of the passengers as it embarks on its route first. The stops are therefore more frequent and prolonged. Bus B follows, making shorter stops and often less stops altogether, as bus A has picked up most, and in the case of some stops, all of the passengers. Therefore bus B takes the route faster than bus A, causing occasional overlap and synchronised arrival times.
MARIANA
(enters) Hi, I’m Mariana, from Hudsons.
JOHN
(relieved sigh) Oh, thank god for that.
Hi, Mariana, I’m John.
MARIANNA
Sorry I’m late. The tubes today are terrible.
SHERLOCK
(exasperated sigh) Piccadilly line.
MARIANA
(relieved sigh) Yes. Such a nightmare. Okay, are we ready? Very central, isn’t it?
SHERLOCK
Open the door.
MARIANA
It’s a loud street, but I find the sash windows keep a lot of the street noise out.
[KEYS JINGLE.]
SHERLOCK
I assure you they don’t.
[DOOR IS CLOSED, SILENCING PREVIOUS AMBIENT TRAFFIC SOUNDS.]
MARIANA
Okay, here we go. This is 221A Baker Street.
Small reception room, as you come in, and on your right there, that’s the lounge. Very big, airy Victorian room–
SHERLOCK
(interrupts) Georgian.
MARIANA
(uncomfortable) … with… um… high ceilings, and, uh, the bedroom is just there, kitchen over here... Oh, it's got laundry facilities, it’s a washer dryer combination, I think. Let me just check.
JOHN
(hesitantly interrupting) S-Sorry, Mariana, the- um- the other bedroom…
MARIANA
Hm? The bedroom? It’s just there.
JOHN
This is a one bedroom.
MARIANA
… Yes?
Oh, are you two planning to have a lot of guests? The previous tenants had a sofa bed in the lounge…?
[MUFFLED MIC SOUNDS – RECORDING STOPS]
[MUFFLED MIC SOUNDS – RECORDING RESTARTS]
[AMBIENT STREET SOUNDS]
JOHN
It’s- it’s no problem. Honestly.
MARIANA
I’ll call Hudson’s right now, speak to someone in the office, and we’ll find something for you.
JOHN
No no, it- it- it’s fine.
SHERLOCK
Doctor Watson, it was a pleasure. All the best with the…
MARIANA
(simultaneously, talking on the phone in the background) Hi, Santita? It’s Mariana.
SHERLOCK
… PTSD.
JOHN
Yeah… um.
MARIANA
(simultaneously, talking on her cell phone) – Yeah, I’m at 221A Baker?
JOHN
… Good to meet you… too…
MARIANA
(simultaneously, talking on the phone) The gentlemen are looking for a two bed. Mhmm. Mhmm. Oh, perfect! Okie dokie! Yup, I’ve got a set of keys, so it’ll be one of them.
[KEYS JINGLE.]
MARIANA
Good news, gentlemen. Upstairs is available. That’s a two bed.
JOHN
(hesitant) Uh… sure. Let’s… have a look.
MARIANA
Gentlemen? This is 221B Baker Street.
[DOOR IS UNLOCKED WITH KEY, THEN OPENED.]
[MUFFLED MIC SOUNDS - RECORDING STOPS.]
[MUFFLED MIC SOUNDS – RECORDING RESTARTS.]
[MUFFLED SOUND OF TWO NOTES REPEATEDLY BEING PLAYED ON THE VIOLIN.]
JOHN
(sigh) Welcome to, uhm…
[CLUMSY GLISSANDO OF RAPIDLY FALLING NOTES, THEN RENEWED PLAYING OF TWO REPEATED NOTES.]
(clears throat) Episode 1 of roommates from hell. It's, uh…
[PAUSE, SCRATCH OF VIOLIN STRING, RENEWED PLAYING OF TWO NOTES.]
(yawns) It’s two a.m., and um… (clears throat) Can you hear that? Maniac, oh this a bloody joke! Honestly, God. (frustrated sigh)
[MUFFLED MIC SOUNDS - RECORDING ENDS, THEN RESTARTS.]
JOHN
Psychopath update. It’s, uhm-
[MUFFLED GUNSHOT.]
It's 3:14 a.m. (sniff)
[ANOTHER GUNSHOT.]
And, uh, and that… is a gun. An actual gun. He was kind enough to–
[GUNSHOT.]
– fix a silencer to it, at least.
[LONG SIGH.]
The weirdest thing — in a list of weird things, I wish I was recording when he said it all — I, um… (sniff) I asked him how he knew about Sandhurst, and that I left early. And he said he could tell by the sun damage on my right arm from three tours ago. It’s a- It’s around, um… it’s around a tattoo I had removed after a, uh — (yawn) — after a bad break up — which is true — and, uhm… yeah, and — (another yawn) — He knew I was going on a date, because I’ve got a… like… well, you know, it’s nothing really, but, like, a little rash… on my neck… which is, uhm, y’know, where I sprayed some aftershave earlier. It’s barely a blemish, but yeah, I– y’know, I try and avoid this stuff, because of that, so…
D’y’know, I think he might be, like, a really… really good… dermatologist?
SHERLOCK
(muffled through the walls, mostly incomprehensible) – Have at it, you bastard!
[GUNSHOT. JOHN SIGHS AGAIN. THIS IS THE LONGEST SIGH YET.]
[RECORDING ENDS, RESTARTS.]
JOHN
(groan) It’s 5:24. I just managed to peek around the door, and he’s still armed. This time… with a sword.
[SWORD SWISHING. JOHN SIGHS ONCE AGAIN.]
[A SOFT, MUFFLED THUMP, FOLLOWED BY COMPLETE SILENCE… ]
JOHN
… Oh? Hello? Silence. Either he’s gone to bed, or he’s stabbed himself to death. Either option seems too good to be true, to be honest.
[PAUSE.]
Oh. Lucky me. Time for some shut-eye.
[WIND BLOWING.]
[WIND FADES OUT. SILENCE, FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN JOHN BEGINS TO SHIFT RESTLESSLY IN BED.]
JOHN
(panting, gasping, shouting) Somebody help me, somebody help me!
[HIS BREATHING SETTLES.]
JOHN
(coughing) Oh… Oh, Jesus…
[MUFFLED VOICE THROUGH THE WALL; DECIDEDLY NOT SHERLOCK.]
JOHN
(Exasperated sigh) Oh, what bloody now, he’s having bloody guests ‘round here, first thing in– Okay. Enough is enough.
[SOUNDS OF JOHN’S MOVEMENT, DOOR OPENING.]
JOHN
D’you know what, mate–?
UNKNOWN (AMERICAN) VOICE
Freeze! Do not move!
[VARIOUS YELLING.]
UNKNOWN (AMERICAN) VOICE
Engaging with target!
JOHN
(yelling) Ow! What the FUCK-
UNKNOWN (AMERICAN) VOICE
Sir, do not move, do not move, do not–
[JOHN’S ENRAGED SHOUT IS CUT OFF - RECORDING STOPS.]
[RECORDING STARTS. SOUNDS OF SILVERWARE CLINKING.]
SHERLOCK
I made you breakfast.
JOHN
Mhm.
[PLATES SET DOWN.]
SHERLOCK
Look, Doctor– Look… Doctor– You’re not looking. Doctor. You know what this is?
JOHN
Yep.
SHERLOCK
It’s deruny… Yummy. Like in Ukraine.
JOHN
Yes. I know. I’ve been.
SHERLOCK
I was thinking about your IED this morning, and it got me a little peckish for deruny. Would you like some borscht? It’s a sour beetroot soup. Like in Ukraine.
[BOWLS CLINK. SOMETHING IS SET DOWN ON THE TABLE.]
SHERLOCK
You’re stressed.
JOHN
(sarcastic) Oh, what gave me away?
SHERLOCK
Everything?
[SHERLOCK CHEWING. LOUDLY.]
SHERLOCK
(through a mouthful of food) Was it something I said?
JOHN
Who was that, this morning? Why was I accosted by- by J-Jack Bauer, or bloody Jason Bourne, in my own flat?
SHERLOCK
Mm, yeah, uh, Barack apologised for that. Maybe you didn’t hear.
JOHN
Shut up.
[PAUSE.]
JOHN
What’re you doing?
SHERLOCK
You told me to shut up.
JOHN
Shut up, as in– explain! Barack?
SHERLOCK
Barack Obama.
[SILENCE. SHERLOCK TAKES A SIP OF THE BORSCHT.]
SHERLOCK
Hm… This borscht needs some pampushka. Vegetables are in square chunks, with a hint of dried smelt. Could be Russian. …Bollocks.
JOHN
Barack Obama was in the lounge?
SHERLOCK
Oh, indeed. As was his security detail. You– you met them.
JOHN
What was Barack Obama doing in the lounge?!
SHERLOCK
Thanking me in person.
JOHN
For what?
SHERLOCK
My services. Services that far outmatch those of his aforementioned security detail, let me tell you.
[JOHN SCOFFS.]
SHERLOCK
When are you leaving?
JOHN
Wh– When am I– What?
SHERLOCK
You’re moving out.
JOHN
Right. (snap, snap, snap, snap) Come on. How.
SHERLOCK
Excuse me?
JOHN
How did you know that?
SHERLOCK
Obvious.
JOHN
Is it?
SHERLOCK
Your… bags are packed and sealed.
JOHN
… and?
SHERLOCK
(sighing) It’s just little details, nothing big.
JOHN
No, come on, I’m all ears.
SHERLOCK
You’ve… removed the bedsheet from the bed… I don’t smell urine, so that rules out a trip to the laundrette. Your phone has lit up with two notifications — one Rightmove, one Gumtree, you can’t afford either, by the way — and your heart rate is one hundred and twenty… seven. That’s because, of course, despite being a military man, you have a slight conflict-phobia, and are apprehensive about informing me of your premature departure.
Hmm. Heart rate is now 133. Even though when I met you yesterday, it was 78 — however, at that point, of course, you had consumed a pint of beer–
JOHN
Ahaha! It was a bottle!
[HE SLAPS THE TABLE REPEATEDLY IN EXCITEMENT.]
Hahaha, it wasn’t a pint!
SHERLOCK
You had two. But you didn’t finish the second one.
JOHN
(sarcastic) Yeah, ‘cause we went to meet you in your Batcave, or whatever it was.
SHERLOCK
Exactly. An aggregate total of a pint, Doctor Watson, 330 millilitres in the first, 240 in the second — heart rate is 138, you should see a doctor, Doctor —
JOHN
Stop doing that.
SHERLOCK
Then I suggest you practise some of your breathing exercises to slow your heart rate, or take your hands off the table so I can no longer feel it through cheap. Ikea. Pine.
[BOWL CLINKS AGGRESSIVELY, SLURPING SOUNDS.]
SHERLOCK
(through another mouthful of food) So I’ll ask again. Was it something I said?
JOHN
(interrupting) It was a good bomb, alright? It- it was loud, and terrifying, and so fucking life changing- I don’t know what to do, anymore. I’m- I’m making a podcast, for christ’s sake! I’m living in Baker Str-
… It was good. It was good.
SHERLOCK
It wasn’t.
JOHN
(disbelieving) Jesus.
SHERLOCK
This borscht is very disappointing!
[BAG UNZIPPED.]
Wouldn’t you agree, Doctor?
JOHN
Shut up. Watch.
SHERLOCK
Your laptop is in urgent need of an update.
JOHN
Just watch!
[A RECORDING OF THE SCENE IN UKRAINE REPLAYS… ]
JOHN
He’s a kid, he’s just-
[JOHN IS INTERRUPTED BY A SUDDEN BEEPING SOUND.]
SOLDIER 1
What was that?
[BEEPING CONTINUES.]
What’s he got?
JOHN
What did you just do?
[ONE PROLONGED BEEP.]
Oh, shit- run, run, RUN!
[JOHN PANTING WHILE RUNNING HURRIEDLY.]
SOLDIER 1
Get outta here!
[EXPLOSION, JOHN’S CUT OFF SCREAM.]
SOLDIER 1
John! John!
JOHN
(muffled screaming) Aah, somebody help me! (clearer) Somebody hel-
[... MOUSE CLICKS, AUDIO FROM RECORDING IS ABRUPTLY CUT OFF.]
SHERLOCK
(slightly strained) Very poor indeed. That video confirms my findings, thank you Doctor.
[LAPTOP SHUTS.]
SHERLOCK
Although, in future, I will acknowledge what a bomb can do to the mind. Of course.
[LIQUIDS ARE POURED.]
SHERLOCK
(whispering) Especially one this loud.
JOHN
Thanks.
[SOMEONE POUNDS AT THE DOOR.]
Oh, who’s that, then? Justin Trudeau? The king of Spain?
SHERLOCK
No. Felipe and I are no longer on speaking terms.
[CONTINUED DOOR KNOCKING.]
That, Doctor Watson, can only be one thing.
JOHN
Mhm?
[DOOR OPENS.]
SHERLOCK
A job.
JOHN
What?
[MICROPHONE DESECRATION.]
[DOOR OPENS. SOUNDS OF OUTSIDE.]
OFFICER
Sherlock Holmes?
SHERLOCK
Hmm… Murder.
OFFICER
Very… possibly.
SHERLOCK
Come on in.
[DOOR SHUTS.]
SHERLOCK
Doctor Watson, offer our visitor some borscht.
JOHN
Hello… officer. Ehm… Sour beetroot soup?
OFFICER
It’s a… case. For you. Lestrade wants to know if–
JOHN
A what for me, sorry?
SHERLOCK
For me. A case.
JOHN
A case? Ah, oh– are you a lawyer?
SHERLOCK
No. Officer, tell me of the situation, apart from the obvious.
OFFICER
W… What’s the obvious?
SHERLOCK
You found the body of an American male, in an abandoned house, in… Brixton.
OFFICER
(laugh of disbelief) How…?
JOHN
Are you a counsellor?
SHERLOCK
Do I seem like a counsellor to you?
JOHN
(emphatic) No.
SHERLOCK
I’m a consulting detective, Watson.
JOHN
Ha. No you’re not.
SHERLOCK
Yes. I am.
JOHN
As in, like, a private investigator…
OFFICER
(amused huff) He’s much better than that.
SHERLOCK
What she said.
JOHN
Great! That’s- that’s great. So I’m living with a… a Facebook sleuth, some criminology hobbyist.
SHERLOCK
(interrupting) Watson, you’ll be pleased to know that your biggest fear, that Mary came into the Criterion bar, saw you, and left, is unfounded. So what happened to mystery Mary? Well, let’s see.
You picked the Criterion bar because you thought it polite to pick a halfway point between the two of you, so you chose the Criterion in Piccadilly. Which means somebody lives in North London, the other lives in West London.
JOHN
Wh–
SHERLOCK
(interrupting) ‘Why West? Why North?’ The Piccadilly line. It doesn’t serve East, and it doesn’t serve South, so you both live off that line. ‘Why not Bakerloo? That also serves Piccadilly Circus.’ Because you would’ve mentioned it yesterday. After all, we were at Baker Street.
You did, however, mention a Zone 3 travel card, which would suggest you were staying in that area temporarily. I’d venture for… West, over North. North would leave you with Wood Green and Turnpike Lane – not the kind of neighbourhoods for a doctor with affluent alumni chums like yourself, particularly one with a spare room.
You embarked from Northfields, I suspect, and Mary from… Turnpike Lane? Your date, if you can call it that, was booked for 4 p.m. At 3:20 p.m. yesterday, however, a man suffered a heart attack on a Piccadilly Line train just outside Finsbury Park. Severe delays for the next hour or so, and Mary is nowhere to be seen. Why is she nowhere to be seen?
Because she helped the poor man, and got him to hospital, and saved his life! How do we draw that conclusion? Well, if she’s booking a date for 4 p.m., then she’s probably done night shifts! Who does night shifts? Doctors, firefighters, security guards, police officers, and…?
JOHN
Nurses. Yeah. She’s… (quietly) uhm. She’s a nurse.
SHERLOCK
She’s a nurse, you’re a doctor, she’s a police officer, and I’m a consulting detective. Shall we crack on?
[PODCAST EXIT THEME BEGINS TO PLAY.]
[A REPLAY OF THE “Hello… officer. Ehm… Sour beetroot soup?” LINE ACCOMPANIES IT.]
JOHN
I’m done editing the first episode. Uhm… if you like what you hear, give us five stars, and leave a nice review… sort of thing. I’ve uploaded part one of our first, uh… adventure, The Illustrious Client. The second part of that will be out next week. Uhm… I’ll upload an episode a week, come rain or shine, and, you never know, maybe I’ll make a career out of this, or something.
Uh, if you wanna know more, give us a follow on Twitter – er, or, uh, no, uhm, X- uh… uh… I mean, yeah, X. Follow me on X. Christ. Doc Joc- J- (groans, quick edited jump cut) At-Doc-J-Watson-MD. Uh, all one word, that’s Doc-J-Watson-MD. And, uh–
[DOOR OPENS.]
SHERLOCK
What are you doing?
JOHN
Uh, I’m just editing the thingy.
SHERLOCK
I have to pop out. There’s a… dead goat. In the lounge. Don’t touch it, especially not its kidney. It’s a matter of significant anatomical discovery, a real game-changer for the goat community, at long last!
[SHERLOCK AUDIBLY RUBS HIS HANDS TOGETHER.]
[MIC SHUFFLING SOUNDS.]
JOHN
Right- Sherlock, why are we dissecting goats?
[PODCAST EXIT THEME CONCLUDES.]
— END —