Anthony Jeselnik. -MAN: Anthony. -WOMAN: Anthony. -MAN: Anthony. -WOMAN: Jeselnik. Jeselnik! Anthony Jeselnik. WOMEN: Anthony Jeselnik! WOMAN: Anthony Jeselnik. -Anthony Jeselnik. -MAN: Anthony Jeselnik. Anthony Jeselnik. Anthony Jeselnik! [ Cheers and applause ] I know, right? [ Laughter ] Thank you, guys. So great to be here in Chicago. I love this city. I like Chicago. Like, I respect Chicago. You know what I mean? Like, if I smoke a cigarette here in Chicago, I’m very polite, and I’ll put it out in an ashtray or a garbage can. If I was back in L.A., I would do what I would normally do and just… [ Laughter ] …flick it at a kid. [ Laughter ]
安东尼·杰斯尼克。-男：安东尼。-女：安东尼。-男：安东尼。-女：杰斯尼克。杰斯尼克！安东尼·杰斯尼克。女声：安东尼·杰斯尼克！女声：安东尼·杰斯尼克。-安东尼·杰斯尼克。-男：安东尼·杰斯尼克。安东尼·杰斯尼克。安东尼·杰斯尼克！[欢呼和掌声] 我知道，对吧？[笑声] 谢谢大家。很高兴来到芝加哥。我爱这座城市。我喜欢芝加哥。我是说，我尊重芝加哥。你们懂我的意思吗？比如，如果我在芝加哥抽烟，我会很有礼貌地把烟头熄灭在烟灰缸或垃圾桶里。但如果我回到洛杉矶，我就会做我平时会做的事，直接……[笑声]……把烟头弹向一个小孩。[笑声]
I really do love this town. I actually once went on a date with a girl from Chicago. Now, this was like 10 years ago, back before I was even a comedian yet. Back then I was just a regular old piece of shit like you guys. [ Laughter ] But I’ll never forget this date, you know? We meet up at a bar. We start drinking, we start talking. We’re laughing together, we’re connecting. It was great. But then we leave the bar, we go back to her place. And as soon as we walk in the front door, she passes out cold on her couch. Now, I went to college. [ Laughter ] I knew I had a million options. [ Laughter ] But I’m a gentleman, so I did the smart thing. I just got a blanket, I tucked her in, and I left her a note that said, “You got raped.” [ Laughter ] Thank you. [ Laughter ] I feel like it’s very important, very important to open up my show with a rape joke. [ Laughter ] Just to see what kind of crowd I’m dealing with here. You guys are gonna be great. [ Laughter ] But if you were upset or you were offended in any way, please don’t worry. I’ve only got two more rape jokes… [ Laughter ] …and I’ll wait about 15 minutes. But don’t think I’m a bad person for making that joke.
我真的很喜欢这个地方。我曾经和一位芝加哥的女孩约会过。那大概是十年前的事了，那时候我甚至还没开始说脱口秀。那时我就是个普通人渣，跟你们一样。[笑声] 但那次约会我永远忘不了。我们在酒吧见面，开始喝酒聊天，有说有笑，感觉很投缘。一切都很棒。后来我们离开酒吧，回到她家。结果我们刚一进门，她就直接昏倒在沙发上了。我可是上过大学的。[笑声] 我知道我有一百万种选择。[笑声] 但我是一个绅士，所以我做了最明智的事。我拿了条毯子给她盖好，然后留了张纸条，上面写着：“你被强奸了。”[笑声] 谢谢。[笑声] 我觉得用一个强奸笑话来开场我的表演非常重要，非常重要。[笑声] 只是想看看我面对的是什么样的观众。你们会是很棒的观众。[笑声] 但如果你感到不舒服或者被冒犯了，请别担心。我只剩下两个强奸笑话了……[笑声]……而且我会等大概 15 分钟再说。但别因为我讲了这个笑话就觉得我是个坏人。
Don’t think I’m a bad guy for saying that. I’m a good guy. Like, I would never hit a woman, you know? I would never hit a woman, even if she had a knife or… a stutter. [ Laughter ] It’s not how I do business. In fact, I might be one of the greatest guys of all time. Like, I’ve got a kid in Africa. Yeah, I’ve got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing, you know, compared to what it cost to send him there. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] You guys are — You guys are doing great so far. I love performing in Chicago. The only weird thing about performing in Chicago, for me, is that, after all my shows, everybody just wants to do drugs with me. [ Laughter ] Like, “Anthony, that was hilarious. I got a joint on me. Let’s go smoke it.” “Hey, Jeselnik, amazing job, as usual.” [ Laughter ] “I’ve got mushrooms in my backpack. Let’s eat ’em.” And I’ve got to keep telling them the same thing I’m gonna tell you guys right now. “Hey, assholes… …I’m fucking famous. [ Laughter ] Give it to me.” [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don’t know. I’m so bad with names. [ Laughter ] It’s tough. Smart crowd. When I was a kid, my friends and I got arrested for vandalizing a graveyard. $10,000 in damages. But we had a great lawyer who knocked it down to criminal trespassing and necrophilia. [ Laughter ] I make a lot of jokes about death. I think it’s hilarious. [ Laughter ] My whole family’s like that, actually, you know? [ Siren wails ] This is how hard I’m fucking killing. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] My whole family’s like that, kind of, you know? In fact, well before I was even born, my great-grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. Police tried to say she was committing suicide, but the family knew that she was just trying to stop civil rights. [ Laughter and applause ] Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn’t serious, you know? Nobody saw me. [ Laughter ] My little sister had a baby recently. A little newborn. Kid is so cute. But she won’t let me hold him. She refuses. Says, “No way, Anthony. I’m afraid you’re gonna drop him.” Like I’m some kind of idiot. Like I don’t have a million other ways to hurt that baby. [ Laughter ] I will get it done. [ Laughter ] And people get weird when kids die. [ Laughter ] No, that’s a fact. That’s a fact. Like, about a month ago, some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek, and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It’s all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, “Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?” [ Laughter and applause ]
别觉得我这么说就是坏人。我是个好人。比如，我绝不会打女人，懂吗？就算她拿着刀，或者……口吃，我也绝不会打女人。[笑声]我可不是那种做生意的人。事实上，我可能是史上最棒的人之一。比如，我在非洲资助了一个孩子。是的，我在非洲资助了一个孩子，我供他吃穿，供他上学，给他打疫苗，每天只花 75 美分。这几乎不值一提，你知道，和送他去那里的费用比起来。[笑声][掌声]你们——你们目前为止表现得太棒了。我喜欢在芝加哥演出。对我来说，在芝加哥演出唯一奇怪的是，我每场演出结束后，每个人都想和我一起吸毒。[笑声]比如，“安东尼，太搞笑了。我身上有根烟。咱们去抽吧。”“嘿，杰塞尔尼克，一如既往的精彩。”[笑声]“我背包里有蘑菇。咱们吃了它吧。”我不得不一直告诉他们，就像我现在要告诉你们的一样：“嘿，混蛋们……我他妈的很有名。[笑声]给我。”[笑声][掌声]我觉得我朋友杰夫是同性恋。我不知道。我记性太差了。[笑声]这很难。观众很聪明。我小时候，我和朋友因为破坏墓地被捕。造成了一万美元的损失。但我们有个很棒的律师，他把罪名降到了非法入侵和恋尸癖。[笑声]我开了很多关于死亡的玩笑。我觉得这太搞笑了。 "[笑声] 我全家都这样，真的，你知道吗？[警笛声] 我他妈杀得有多狠啊。[笑声][掌声] 我全家都这样，有点，你知道吗？事实上，在我出生之前，我曾祖母就跳到公交车前。警察想说她是自杀，但家人知道她只是想阻止民权运动。[笑声和掌声] 昨天我不小心开车撞了一个小孩。不严重，你知道吗？没人看见我。[笑声] 我妹妹最近生了一个孩子。一个新生儿。孩子太可爱了。但她不让我抱他。她拒绝。她说：“不行，安东尼。我怕你把他摔了。” 好像我是个白痴。好像我没有一百万种其他方式来伤害那个孩子似的。[笑声] 我会搞定的。[笑声] 孩子死了人们就会变得很奇怪。[笑声] 不，这是事实。这是事实。就像，大约一个月前，我邻居家的一些孩子在玩捉迷藏，其中一个最终进了废弃的冰箱。这是所有人几周来都在谈论的。我说：“谁在乎？你认识多少孩子能死得像个赢家？”[笑声和掌声]"
I assume you guys all knew who you were coming to see tonight. But if you didn’t, you sure as shit know now. [ Laughter ] Like, one thing I’ve never understood is, like, the foot fetish. Like, are you guys together right here? Yeah? How long you guys been together? -WOMAN: Five years. -Five years. Wow. Do you ever suck on her feet? No? Would you if you had a different girlfriend? [ Laughter ] Or are you, like, across-the-board no feet? -I don’t really mind it. -You don’t really mind it? You just don’t do it to her because you have mistresses. I get it. ‘Cause I’m across-the-board no feet. I once went on a date with a girl where we went hiking. Her idea. And while we’re hiking, she gets bit by a snake in between two toes. And I had to suck out the poison. So she’s dead.
我想你们都知道今晚是来看谁的。但如果不知道，现在肯定知道了。[笑声] 比如，我一直不明白恋足癖这种事。你们俩是在一起的吗？是吗？在一起多久了？-女人：五年。-五年。哇。你有没有吸过她的脚？没有？如果你换个女朋友，你会吗？[笑声] 还是说你对脚是完全不感兴趣？-我不太介意。-你不太介意？你只是不对她这样做，因为你有别的女人。我懂了。因为我就是完全不碰脚的人。我曾经和一个女孩约会，我们去徒步旅行。是她的主意。徒步的时候，她的两个脚趾之间被蛇咬了。我不得不把毒吸出来。所以她死了。
-What’s your name? -Bridget. -Where are you from, Bridget? -The suburbs. -The suburbs? -Yes, that’s right. That sure narrows it down. [ Laughter ] -What — What do you do? -WOMAN: What? What do you do when you’re not being so fucking boring? [ Laughter ] Take your time. I’m really funny. [ Laughter ] I’m a full-time student. You’re a full-time student. Okay, what do you study? -WOMAN: Psychology. -Psychology. -Where do you go to school? -Rockford College. Rockford College? So you’re not gonna be a good psychologist. Last question, darling. Have you ever been on a blind date before? -You ever do that? -No. No? You’re lucky. I went on a blind date once, just once, and I will never do it again. It was the biggest disaster of all time. She ended up being a burn victim… [ Laughter ] …by the end of the night. I mean, it was, like, the worst… -[ Laughter ] -It was brutal.
-你叫什么名字？-布里奇特。-布里奇特，你来自哪里？-郊区。-郊区？-是的，没错。这范围可真够小的。[笑声]-你——你做什么的？-女人：什么？当你不再那么无聊的时候，你做什么？[笑声]别急。我真的很有趣。[笑声]我是一名全日制学生。你是一名全日制学生。好的，你学什么？-女人：心理学。-心理学。-你在哪里上学？-罗克福德学院。罗克福德学院？那你可成不了一个好心理学家。最后一个问题，亲爱的。你以前约过盲人吗？-你做过吗？-没有。没有？你真幸运。我曾经约过一次盲人，就一次，我再也不会了。那是有史以来最大的灾难。到晚上结束的时候，她竟然成了烧伤受害者……[笑声]……我的意思是，那是最糟糕的……-[笑声]-太惨了。
I’ve spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend‘s killer. But no one will do it. [ Laughter ] My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet. Did you guys hear what I just said? [ Laughter ] She owned a parakeet. Oh, my God. That fucking thing never shut up. But the bird was cool. [ Laughter and applause ]
过去两年我一直在找人杀了我前女友，但没人愿意动手。[笑声]我前女友养了只虎皮鹦鹉。你们听到我刚才说什么了吗？[笑声]她养了只虎皮鹦鹉。哦，天哪，那该死的东西从来没安静过。不过那只鸟还挺酷的。[笑声和掌声]
My ex-girlfriend had a lot of, like, really annoying habits. I think the worst was that she loved to read women’s magazines, like Cosmo or, uh… or things like Cosmo. And she would flip straight to the relationship quiz. And not only would she present that to me as if it was, like, a fun activity for us to do together — even though every question is designed to fuck my entire world up. But even worse is she would get mad at my answers and make me change them so we’d get the best score. Like, I’ll never forget the last time we played that game. She was like, “Anthony, if you could have lunch with anyone in the world, living or dead, who would it be?” And I said, “I don’t know. Caligula.” [ Laughter ] And she goes, “Really? Caligula? That’s your answer? That’s what you’re gonna say to me, your girlfriend? Are you sure?” I said, “Oh, I’m sorry, baby. Let me change that. I’d have lunch with you. And you’d be dead.” [ Laughter ]
我前女友有很多特别烦人的习惯。我觉得最糟糕的是她喜欢看女性杂志，比如《Cosmo》之类的。她会直接翻到情感测试那一页。她不仅把这当成我们俩的有趣活动——尽管每个问题都旨在彻底搞砸我的生活。更糟糕的是，她还会因为我的答案生气，逼我修改，好让我们得高分。比如，我永远忘不了我们最后一次玩那个游戏。她说：“安东尼，如果你能和世界上任何人共进午餐，无论是活着的还是死了的，你会选谁？”我说：“我不知道。卡利古拉。”[笑声]她接着说：“真的吗？卡利古拉？这就是你的答案？这就是你要对你女朋友说的话？你确定吗？”我说：“哦，对不起，宝贝。我改一下。我会和你共进午餐。而且你会死的。”[笑声]
Yeah, we’re not together anymore. She’s got a new boyfriend now. They just moved in together. And I’ve heard rumors that he’s abusive, which makes me want to go over there with a baseball bat and then blame it on her boyfriend. [ Laughter ] But I don’t want to sound like a misogynist up here.
是的，我们已经分手了。她现在有了新男友，他们也刚同居。我听说那个男的会家暴，这让我很想拿根棒球棒过去，然后把责任推到她男友身上。[笑声] 但我可不想在这里被当成个厌恶女性的人。
My ex-girlfriend wasn’t, like, a bad person, really. She wasn’t a bad girl at all. But she was terrible in bed. Terrible in bed. I mean, she would just lie there, screaming, “No!” [ Laughter ] That was rape joke number two, baby doll. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] Yeah, clap it up.
我前女友其实不算坏人，她根本就不是个坏女孩。但她在床上表现太糟糕了，简直是灾难。我的意思是，她只会躺在那儿，尖叫着“不要！”[笑声]宝贝，这是第二个强奸梗了。[笑声][欢呼和掌声]对，鼓掌吧。
My girlfriend now is great. My girlfriend now is almost perfect. And she hates that I tell rape jokes. Hates it. Says, “Anthony, how can you make light of something as terrible as rape after I told you that I got raped in high school?” And I said, “Baby, because I don’t believe you.” [ Laughter ] The point is, my girlfriend is very sensitive, all right? Like, the other day, she got her hair cut. Two inches trimmed off of her hair. Then she came home and cried about that for two hours. Over a haircut. I couldn’t believe it. Finally, I went to her. I said, “Baby, what are you so upset about? It’s just a haircut. I’m the one that’s got to find a new girlfriend.” [ Laughter ] Yeah, she got mad. She got really mad at me. She got really mad at me a couple months ago because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself, you know, which is a nice thing to do. But then I screwed up and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to everyone. [ Laughter ] Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, disgusted with me over this. But now I don’t even care about her anymore. ‘Cause now I’ve got to call up my mother on the phone and say, “Mom, I am so sorry about that. That picture, that e-mail… was just for Dad.” [ Laughter ]
我现在的女朋友很棒，几乎完美。她特别讨厌我讲强奸的笑话。她会说：“安东尼，我都告诉你我高中时被强奸了，你怎么还能把强奸这种可怕的事情说得那么轻松？”我就会说：“宝贝，因为我不相信你。”[笑声]关键是，我女朋友特别敏感，好吗？比如前几天，她剪了头发，就剪短了两英寸。结果她回家后，为了这个发型哭了整整两个小时。我简直不敢相信。最后我走到她身边，对她说：“宝贝，你到底在难过什么？不就是剪个头发吗？我才是那个得重新找女朋友的人。”[笑声]是啊，她生气了，对我非常生气。几个月前她也对我大发雷霆，因为她给我发了一张自己的裸照，你知道，这本来是件挺好的事。结果我搞砸了，不小心把那封邮件转发给了所有人。[笑声]现在，我女朋友为此对我非常愤怒、羞愧，甚至感到恶心。但我现在根本顾不上她了。因为我得赶紧给我妈打电话，说：“妈，我真的非常抱歉。那张照片，那封邮件……其实是发给爸的。”[笑声]
My girlfriend and I argue a lot. It’s mostly her arguing with me kind of thing. Like, I should just keep my mouth shut. Every fight we get into is my fault. I should just keep my mouth shut, but I can’t because I’m so fucking funny. [ Laughter ] Like, a couple of nights ago, we go to a party, all right? We get trashed, completely wasted. We wake up in bed the next morning completely hung over. And I know I should just keep my mouth shut, but instead, I roll over, and I say, “Listen, baby, don’t get mad, but I think your mom tried to have sex with me last night.” And she hit the roof. She goes, “Anthony, that’s impossible.” And I said, “Oh. Well, in that case, you should always wear makeup.” [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] I love that joke so much. Here’s why. Did you guys hear, like, the sounds you made? Like that was the worst thing I’ve said tonight? I’ve told three rape jokes. [ Laughter ]
我和女朋友经常吵架。大部分时候都是她跟我吵。好像我应该闭嘴。我们每次吵架都是我的错。我真该闭嘴，但我做不到，因为我实在太他妈搞笑了。[笑声] 就像前几天，我们去参加一个派对，好吗？我们喝得烂醉，彻底断片了。第二天早上我们在床上醒来，宿醉得厉害。我知道我应该闭嘴，但我还是翻了个身，说：“听着，宝贝，别生气，但我昨晚觉得你妈妈想跟我上床。” 她立刻就炸了。她说：“安东尼，那不可能！” 我说：“哦。好吧，既然这样，那你以后还是多化化妆吧。”[笑声][掌声] 我太喜欢这个笑话了。原因就在于此。你们听到你们刚才发出的声音了吗？好像那是我今晚说的最糟糕的话？我可是已经讲了三个关于强奸的笑话了。[笑声]
I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But, like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn’t sound that original, but she’s bulimic. [ Laughter and applause ] I like that you laugh until I look at you, and then you stop laughing. ‘Cause you don’t want to give me the satisfaction. [ Laughter ] That’s great. You seem like a cool girl in a completely different environment. [ Laughter ]
我喜欢捉弄我女朋友，你知道，就是为了给自己找乐子，让自己开心，懂吗？她特别讨厌我这样。但是，比如前几天晚上，我把保鲜膜蒙在马桶圈上，你知道，这听起来不怎么新鲜，但她有暴食症。[笑声和掌声]我喜欢你们笑，直到我看向你们，然后你们就不笑了。因为你们不想让我得意。[笑声]太棒了。你看起来像个很酷的女孩，如果在完全不同的场合下。[笑声]
But we’d make it work, you know? Like, how long have you guys been together right here? -MAN: Three years. -Three years, okay. What would you say is, like, the secret to a good, long relationship? Communication. Communication. Wrong. [ Laughter ] The secret is trying new things together, especially in the bedroom. The other night, my girlfriend and I are in bed together. She says, “Anthony, I want you to pee on me.” Now, I have never thought about peeing on a woman in my entire life. Never even imagined it before. But then I got the green light. And, apparently, it’s my thing. [ Laughter ] Like, I just jumped up right away, you know? But as soon as that begins, she starts screaming at me. Like it’s my fault she talks in her sleep. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] No big deal for me.
但我们总能搞定，你知道吗？你们俩在一起多久了？- 男人：三年。- 三年了，好的。你觉得维持一段良好、长久关系的关键是什么？沟通。沟通。错了！[笑声]秘诀是共同尝试新事物，尤其是在卧室里。前几天晚上，我和女朋友躺在床上。她说：“安东尼，我想让你尿在我身上。”我这辈子从来没想过要尿在女人身上。甚至从未想象过。但后来我得到了“绿灯”。而且，显然，这是我的“菜”。[笑声]我立刻就兴奋起来了，你知道吗？但刚一开始，她就开始对我尖叫。好像是她说梦话的错一样。[笑声][掌声]对我来说，这没什么大不了的。
My girlfriend yells at me all the time. She yells at me all the time. And, again, I’m a gentleman. I never think it’s okay to yell back at a woman, no matter what. I mean, you saw how I handled that shit right? [ Laughter ] I never think it’s okay to yell back at a woman. But the other night, she yelled at me for so long and so loud that the cops came to the door, which is embarrassing, because now I’ve got to answer my own door and say, “Officers, I’m so sorry. There is no reason for you to be here tonight. I already tased her.”
我女朋友老是冲我大喊大叫。她总是对我吼个不停。再说一次，我可是个绅士。我从不觉得对女人吼回去是对的，不管发生什么。我的意思是，你们都看到我当时是怎么处理那破事的了吧？[笑声] 我从不觉得对女人吼回去是对的。但前几天晚上，她对我吼了那么久，声音那么大，连警察都找上门来了，这可真够丢人的，因为现在我得自己去开门，然后说：“警官，真不好意思。你们今晚没必要来这儿。我已经把她电晕了。”
I’ve got this friend named Kevin. I call him a friend. More of an acquaintance, really. One of those people who think they’re way better friends with you than they actually are. Like, the other day, Kevin says to me, “Hey, man, you know what I like to do when I’m all by myself and no one’s around?” And before I can say, “Hey, we’re not really friends”… [ Laughter ] …he says, “I like to take peanut butter and smear it all over myself and then let my dog lick it off.” I said, “Dude, you have got to get yourself a girlfriend. I’ll trade you mine for that dog.” [ Laughter ]
我有个朋友叫凯文。说是朋友，其实更像个熟人。就是那种总觉得跟你关系特别好，但实际上根本没那么熟的人。比如前几天，凯文跟我说：“嘿，哥们儿，你知道我一个人在家，周围没人的时候喜欢干什么吗？”我还没来得及说“嘿，我们真没那么熟”……[笑声]……他就接着说：“我喜欢把花生酱涂满全身，然后让我家狗给我舔干净。”我听了就说：“老兄，你真该找个女朋友了。我把我女朋友跟你那狗换都行。”[笑声]
You guys are fantastic. It’s great. Relax. [ Laughter ] I really love performing at this place. And, you know, it’s a great place to perform. And I would know. I perform all over the world. Clubs, theaters, colleges, festivals. Colleges are great ’cause it’s just me talking to, like, 18- to 22-year-olds, you know, which is ideal. [ Laughter ] And they teach me things all the time, you know. Like, I was at a college recently, and they taught me the term — Have you guys ever heard the term “but-her-face” before? You ever heard that? Yeah. It’s been around for a long time. If you haven’t heard the term, “but-her-face” is like a girl who’s got a really hot body but her face, you know? But her face is all fucked up. [ Laughter ] Now, when I heard that, I thought that was pretty mean, you know. I’ve never dated a but-her-face before. But I did once date a monkeyface. [ Laughter ] Have you guys ever heard of that? It’s different. A monkeyface is like a girl who’s got, like, a face like a total monkey. [ Laughter ] But the rest of her isn’t that hot. [ Laughter ] Yeah, she was one in a million. I would give anything to go back and pee on her. [ Laughter ] I like telling that joke a lot ’cause people think I’m about to be racist with it. Like, “Oh, Anthony, you are racist.” Well, fuck you. I’m not racist at all. Some of my best friends are black for Halloween. [ Laughter ]
你们太棒了。太好了。放松点。[笑声]我真的很喜欢在这里表演。你知道，这里是个很棒的表演场地。我可是经验丰富，我在世界各地都表演过。俱乐部、剧院、大学、音乐节。大学很棒，因为我只是和 18 到 22 岁的年轻人聊天，你知道，这很理想。[笑声]他们总是教我新东西，你知道。比如，我最近在大学里，他们教我一个词——你们有没有听过“但她的脸”这个词？你听过吗？是的。这个词已经流行很久了。如果你没听过，“但她的脸”指的是一个身材非常火辣的女孩，但她的脸……你知道吗？但她的脸完全毁了。[笑声]当我听到这个词的时候，我觉得这挺刻薄的，你知道。我以前从来没有约会过“但她的脸”那种女孩。但我曾经约会过一个“猴脸”。[笑声]你们听过这个吗？这不一样。“猴脸”指的是一个女孩，她的脸完全像一只猴子。[笑声]但她身体的其他部分却不那么火辣。[笑声]是的，她真是万里挑一。我愿意付出任何代价回到过去，在她身上撒尿。[笑声]我喜欢讲这个笑话，因为人们会觉得我快要变得种族主义了。比如，“哦，安东尼，你是种族主义者。”去你的吧。我一点也不种族主义。我最好的几个朋友在万圣节的时候都扮成黑人。[笑声]
Clubs are great. Colleges are great. Festivals, though — festivals are where it’s at. Festivals — it’s like musicians and comedians hanging out all week. You never get to do that. I got to go to South by Southwest in Austin, Texas, last year, which is a great festival. But I didn’t realize how popular it gets. I drive into town. I’m like, “Hey, where’s my hotel room this weekend?” WOMAN: Yeah. Thank you. [ Laughter ] Thank you for backing me up there. I don’t know. I don’t know what story you think we share, but you are wrong. [ Laughter and applause ] “Yeah, I’m on the same page as this famous fucking guy who travels around the world.” We’re cool. We’re good. So, I… So, I get into town. I say, “Hey, where’s my hotel room this weekend?” And they said, “Well, where did you book your hotel room this weekend?” I said, “I didn’t.” And they said, “Yeah? Your hotel room is in your car, you fucking idiot.” [ Laughter ] It’s 2:00 in the morning. I’m trying to fall asleep in the back of my car. And I get a phone call from the festival. They say, “Anthony, good news. There’s a hotel about three miles away. They have one room that just became available. If you get there right now, right away, they will take care of you.” So I drive as fast as I can. I get there first. Guy behind the front desk says, “Yes, Mr. Jeselnik, we do have one room available. But, by law, I have to tell you that earlier this afternoon, two prostitutes overdosed in that bed.” And I said, “Well, how much more is that?” [ Laughter ] Are you still on board at this point? [ Applause ] But I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining to you guys. I don’t want to sound bitter. Being a comedian is the greatest job in the world, like, greatest job in the world. Once you get to my level. [ Laughter ] The only thing I don’t like is all the travel. I’m always flying somewhere. I’m always in an airport. Even flying into Chicago a couple days ago, two-and-a-half-hour flight delay. I’m stuck in an airport bar talking to some random asshole. And I got nowhere to go. So I’m like, “Hey, man, what do you do?” And he says, and I quote, “Oh, nothing right now. But I used to be a priest.” As in, “Oh shit,” right? But I got nowhere to go. So we keep talking, we keep drinking. Finally, two hours goes by. Guy gets up. He’s like, “Hey, man, I got to catch my flight. But I don’t want to lie to you. I used to be a priest. I got kicked out ’cause I molested a kid.” Now, here’s the thing. After talking to this guy and getting to know this guy for two hours, I have to admit, he was actually a really cool guy, if you could forget about, you know… …all that Jesus bullshit. [ Laughter and applause ] Yeah, that’s a favorite. I’m probably gonna tell it again later. But it’s not all bad news with me, you know? My grandfather turns 100 years old next month. [ Applause ] Maybe. [ Laughter ] I’m… I’m really skeptical. I don’t think I ever got over my grandmother’s death when I was a kid. My grandmother died from a heart attack during my 9th birthday party. Literally while she was eating cake. And I guess that must have screwed me up a little bit, you know? I mean, I still have birthday parties. But now I’m just careful what I wish for. [ Laughter and applause ] My dad’s been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can’t hang on to a set of keys to save his life. And he has tried everything, too. Little hook next to the door. Little bowl next to his bed. One of those keychains that makes a noise when you whistle, you know. Nothing worked. So, finally, this year for his birthday, the whole family chipped in and we put him in a home. [ Laughter ] And that was not easy. Not an easy decision to make at all. My dad was an amazing man, you guys. My dad was an amazing — My dad raised five boys all by himself… …without the rest of us knowing. [ Laughter ] And, sure, my dad had his problems, you know? He had his issues. My dad was a big-time alcoholic, major-league alcoholic, black-out-every-night kind of alcoholic. But, to his credit, my dad never once laid a finger on either me or my mom, not once. And I don’t know if it was just because he loved us so much or if he just hated my sisters. -But either way… -[ Laughter ] Either way, he was a great dad. I remember a tough time for me. I was like 10 years old. My parents call me into their bedroom. They say, “Anthony, we want to get a divorce. You have to decide which one of us you want to live with.” I was a 10-year-old kid. I didn’t know any better. I just said, “Dad, Dad. I want to live with Dad.” It was heartbreaking. My mom just looked at the floor and said, “Well, whatever you want, Anthony.” And my dad just said, “I don’t want a divorce anymore.” [ Laughter ] That was tough. And maybe the most uncomfortable moment of my life was when my dad gave me the sex talk. Oh, God. The old man was into some really crazy shit. [ Laughter ] But then maybe the greatest moment of my life ever — I think this is, like, a universal things for guys — I’m 12 years old, I’m sneaking around my house, and I found my dad’s porn in the back of the attic. That was a great day. That was a game changer for me. But then the worst day of my life was the day I found my mom’s porn… …in the back of that video store. [ Laughter ] I told that joke recently on “Conan” — that’s right, “Conan”… [ Laughter ] …and immediately afterwards, my mom called me on the phone. And she said, “Anthony, what the fuck? [ Laughter ] Do you really have to make up a joke that makes me sound like I work in pornography and then say it on ‘Conan’? That’s my least favorite joke that you have.” And I just said, “Well, Mom, that’s only because you haven’t heard the other jokes I tell about you that they are not allowed to let me say on ‘Conan.'” -Per example… -[ Laughter ] My mom is crazy. People always like to joke, “Oh, my mom’s crazy.” My mom is ca-razy. Her entire house is filled with nothing but pictures of Princess Diana. And they’re all from right after the accident. [ Laughter ] And most of them she drew. Like, it’s really fucked up, you guys. [ Laughter ] My mom had one of those tiny, little dogs, those little Pomeranians. And she loved it more than any of her kids. To the point that when it finally died last year, she had it stuffed… with another Pomeranian. [ Laughter ] [ Sighs ] And my mom’s been having a hard time lately. She just found out she has to have both of her breasts removed… if she’s ever gonna be good at golf. [ Laughter ] Yeah. That cannot be easy to hear. So I went home to visit — I’m from Pittsburgh, originally — and just hang out with my mom for a little bit, you know? -[ Scattered applause ] -Yeah. Congrats. [ Laughter ] Wanted to go home and hang out with her for a little bit, you know, help her out, cheer her up. But all my mom cares about now is the lottery and me running errands for her. Like, every day. Every day, it’s, “Anthony, go play my numbers. Go play my numbers, please. I don’t want to miss out today.” Finally, after a week of this, I had to say to her, “Mom, are you out of your goddamn mind? Don’t you know you’ve got a better chance of getting struck by lightning than me doing you a favor?” [ Laughter ] Now, one thing I’ve learned in all my years of doing stand-up comedy is that people get really upset. Audiences get really upset if I ever try to tell a joke about suicide. So, because of that, here are four jokes about suicide. [ Laughter ] MAN: Ow! [ Chuckles ] That’s appropriate. [ Laughter ] I’ve got a long history of suicide in my family. The good news is, it skips a generation. So if I’m lucky, my kids will do it. [ Laughter ] I’ll never forget my sister Ashley tried to kill herself last year by throwing herself off a cliff, which is awful. I’m actually the one who found her and had to drive her to the cliff. [ Laughter ] Like I don’t have better shit to do. When I was a kid, my Uncle Tom killed himself. I remember that because the family actually tried to cover it up, make it look like he accidentally shot himself playing regular roulette. [ Laughter ] No one — No was fooled. Just didn’t work. But I think the worst for me was probably my cousin Ty, who killed himself a couple years ago. That was hard ’cause he was just, like, a little bit older than me. I would always go to him for advice. And he was great with it, too, whether I was asking about school or girls, just life in general, you know? He always said the same thing to me. He’d say, “Anthony, kill yourself.” [ Laughter ] I miss that guy. No, you guys have been a great crowd tonight. You’ve gone with me everywhere I’ve wanted you to go. But if you’ve just been sitting there this whole time, thinking, “Anthony, this is all well and good, but where are your offensive jokes? [ Laughter ] Where are your showstoppers, if you will?” Well, guys, I save those for the end. I’m gonna tell you all a series of jokes right now that are going to get increasingly more offensive. [ Cheers and applause ] I like that enthusiasm. Let’s see how far it carries. [ Laughter ] They say it’s easy — They say it’s easy to make fun of retarded people. But let me tell you guys something — It is not. You have really got to explain it to them. [ Laughter ] That was the first one. Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She’s like, “Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.” And every night, I make her return it. I say, “No way, baby. You can’t take care of a houseplant. You couldn’t even keep your baby alive.” [ Laughter ] Right? Two for two, huh? [ Laughter and applause ] We just, uh — We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy. A peanut allergy, which is very serious, I know. But, still, I feel like my parents are totally overreacting. They caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts, and they kicked me out of his funeral. [ Laughter ] I feel like some of you guys might be too nice to laugh at some of these jokes. And that’s okay. Not everybody has a great sense of humor. [ Laughter ] You guys would probably love my little nephew. He’s like 6 years old. So cute. I talk to him every day on the phone. He’s unbelievable. He’s got, like, the greatest imagination ever. He’s either gonna be an incredible artist someday or he really did get molested. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] I wasn’t even laughing about that one. I was thinking about what’s coming. [ Laughter ] I feel like I need to say, like, I really believe this, that being a mother seems like one of the toughest jobs in the world. Like, literally, right below comedian. [ Laughter ] So, to me, if a mother does her best, then, in my book, she’s a good mom, all right? Now, my mom did her very best. Unfortunately, she was also a terrible person. Like, my mom, for most of her life — and this is true — my mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. Does everybody know what that means? [ Laughter ] It means she couldn’t believe the Holocaust happened. It’s, like, the worst thing you can be. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch “Schindler’s List.” And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can’t believe it only happened once. [ Laughter ] I’m glad you guys enjoyed that one. [ Laughter ] Because my mom was also really racist, too. Like, when I was a kid, my mom thought it was smart parenting, she thought it was a good idea to try to convince me that Santa Claus was black. Because then that way, when I eventually found out he didn’t exist, it wouldn’t be that big a letdown. [ Laughter ] Three more. [ Laughter ] I’m not a religious person. I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it. I’m just reasonable. [ Laughter ] But my girlfriend [Chuckles] My girlfriend has got, like, the greatest story behind why she’s not religious anymore. She said, when she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25-pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. And about two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two-inch gash in the back of her dad’s head. [ Laughter ] Yeah. Like, whether you laughed or not, you got to admit, that’s a fucking great story. [ Laughter ] Now, one thing that drives me crazy with my girlfriend now is that she’s got, like, a million shoes. Like, a million shoes. And she doesn’t even like to wear them. I swear she just likes stealing from the Holocaust Museum. [ Laughter ] Now, that joke, you’re either laughing or you’ve simply never been to the Holocaust Museum. [ Laughter ] You got to believe me. It’s like a Nike factory in there. [ Laughter ] But if you haven’t been, you should go. It’s important. [ Laughter ] Now, people who fly a lot the way that I do, people who fly all the time, they all say the same thing to me. They say, “Anthony, there’s nothing worse than a baby on an airplane. Nothing worse than a baby on an airplane.” But I disagree. I can give you guys four examples of when having a baby on an airplane was awesome. Although they were all on 9/11. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] Now, this is the ideal time to tell you guys that I love to meet fans after the show. I like when people come up and say, “Anthony, you’re a genius. Anthony, best show I’ve ever seen.” And that’s it. I don’t ever want to hear anything else. If you’ve got a bone to pick with me over something I’ve said tonight, instead, you should just shut the fuck up. [ Laughter ] Because, seriously, I know more about comedy than you do, and you came to see me. [ Man shouts indistinctly ] Like I said, shut the fuck up. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] But, still, even after I’ve just said all that, you still feel like you need to come up and bitch, well, then, I will be as polite as I can possibly be. However, it is ill-advised. Because you will end up as a joke in my act… [ Laughter ] …much like the blind guy who came up and complained to me in Seattle after a show. He walked up and said, “Anthony, Anthony. [ Laughter ] Why didn’t you tell any blind jokes tonight? I came here to hear blind jokes tonight.” And I said, “Well, here’s a blind joke.” [ Laughter ] Another good one for me was the lesbian in Portland who ran up after a show. And I know she was a lesbian because she ran up and yelled out, “Anthony, I’m a lesbian! And I thought you were really funny tonight, but you’re just lucky you didn’t make any lesbian jokes up there. ‘Cause I would have gotten really mad if you had made fun of any lesbians tonight.” And I wanted to say to her, “Hey, do you realize that that makes you a terrible person and that you have no sense of humor? Plus, you’re an idiot if you felt okay laughing at all the other messed-up things I joked about but you’d have gotten really upset if I’d made fun of you or something you care about.” And I was gonna say all that, but then I remembered, “Anthony, she’s a lesbian. She knows.” [ Laughter ] My second-favorite post-show interaction of all time had to be — I was in Boston a couple years ago, and a very drunk girl — they’re always very drunk — ran up to me. And she screams out, “You should never make fun of the Holocaust!” And I said, “Why?” You know, just to be a dick. [ Laughter ] And she says, “Because I lost family in the Holocaust.” And I said, “Well, you don’t look Jewish.” And she said, “Listen, asshole. There are certain lines you’re not supposed to cross, certain boundaries you’re never supposed to push.” And I said, “Hey, hey, hey. I just gave you a compliment.” [ Laughter ] But my favorite — the best, most unbeatable, never-gonna-happen-again post-show interaction of all time had to be just — just about a year ago. I was performing in Orlando, Florida, home of Casey Anthony. And this is right after the trial, like immediately after the trial. And I said, “Listen, everybody, I don’t understand what the big deal is here. Of course Casey Anthony is innocent. If she’s guilty of anything, it’s killing her baby.” [ Laughter ] Now, after the show, I’m taking pictures, signing tits — You know how it is. [ Laughter ] And a guy walks up to me, totally sober, looking very upset. And he says, “You need to do me a favor,” which is a terrible way to start. He says, “You need to never tell another Casey Anthony joke ever again.” And I said, “Why?” You know, just to be a dick. [ Laughter ] And he says — I’ll never forget this. He says, “Because her daughter, Caylee Anthony, is my niece.” And I said, “Bullshit.” At which point he takes out his phone, sadly hits a couple buttons, and he shows me a picture of him holding little Caylee Anthony, in happier times, of course. [ Laughter ] And he says, “See? See, you son of a bitch?” And I said, “No, man, I believe you. I just mean she was your niece.” Thank you very much, everybody. Have a great night. Thank you so much. -Thank you. -[ Cheers and applause ] WOMAN: Hey, everybody, I am your Anthony Jeselnik fluffer, as it were. Just gonna do a few minutes before we bring him up. I had $10,000. No, I would be happy. [ Laughs ] And then I go to London, my first day there… [ Laughter ] You walk into the house. You have a jacket, hat, and bag. Yeah, but, yeah. But very good-looking. And that is a great combination, right? And then make this very non-guilty face. [ Laughter ] It’s like, I’ve never seen… Amazing. You guys have been awesome. Enjoy Anthony Jeselnik. It’s gonna be an amazing night. Thank you! [ Cheers and applause ] [ Applause ] MAN: All right, you guys, put your hands together. Please welcome Anthony Jeselnik! [ Cheers and applause ]
俱乐部很棒，大学也很棒。但要说最好的，还得是音乐节。在音乐节上，音乐家和喜剧演员可以整周都待在一起，这是平时根本不可能有的机会。去年我去了德克萨斯州奥斯汀的西南偏南音乐节，那是个很棒的活动。但我当时没意识到它会那么受欢迎。我开车进城，心想：“嘿，我这个周末的酒店房间在哪儿呢？”一个女人说：“是啊，谢谢你。”（笑声）“谢谢你帮我说话。”我不知道，我不知道你觉得我们有什么共同的故事，但你错了。（笑声和掌声）“是啊，我跟这个环游世界的著名家伙想法一样。”我们很酷，我们很好。所以，我进城后，问：“嘿，我这个周末的酒店房间在哪儿呢？”他们问：“嗯，你这个周末的酒店房间订在哪儿了？”我说：“我没订啊。”他们说：“是吗？你的酒店房间就在你车里呢，你这个白痴！”（笑声）当时是凌晨两点，我正努力在车后座睡觉。这时我接到音乐节打来的电话。他们说：“安东尼，好消息。三英里外有家酒店，他们刚空出一个房间。如果你现在立刻赶过去，他们会帮你安排好。”于是我以最快的速度开车过去，第一个抵达。前台后面的人说：“是的，杰塞尔尼克先生，我们确实有一个空房间。” 但根据法律，我必须告诉你，今天下午早些时候，有两名妓女在那张床上吸毒过量。”我说，“那还要多少钱？”[笑声]你现在还愿意继续听吗？[掌声]但我不想听起来像是在抱怨你们。我不想听起来很痛苦。当喜剧演员是世界上最棒的工作，真的是世界上最棒的工作。一旦你达到我这个水平。[笑声]我唯一不喜欢的就是总是出差。我总是在飞来飞去。我总是在机场。就连几天前飞芝加哥，航班都延误了两个半小时。我被困在机场酒吧里，和一个随便的混蛋聊天。我无处可去。所以我就说，“嘿，伙计，你做什么的？”他说，我引用他的话，“哦，现在什么都不做。但我以前是牧师。”就像，“哦，天哪，”对吧？但我无处可去。所以我们继续聊，继续喝。最后，两个小时过去了。那家伙站起来。他说，“嘿，伙计，我得赶飞机了。但我不想骗你。我以前是牧师。我被赶出来了，因为我猥亵了一个孩子。”现在，事情是这样的。在和这个人聊了两个小时，了解了他之后，我不得不承认，他实际上是一个非常酷的人，如果你能忘记，你知道……所有那些关于耶稣的废话。[笑声和掌声]是的，那是我最喜欢的一个段子。我可能稍后会再讲一遍。但对我来说，并不是所有的都是坏消息，你知道吗？我祖父下个月就 100 岁了。[掌声]也许吧。 "[笑声] 我…我真的挺怀疑的。我觉得我小时候一直没能从奶奶去世的阴影中走出来。我奶奶在我 9 岁生日派对上突发心脏病去世了，就在她吃蛋糕的时候。我想那肯定对我造成了一些影响，你知道吗？我还是会办生日派对，但现在我许愿的时候会特别小心。[笑声和掌声] 我爸最近过得不太好，老是丢钥匙。他就是拿不住一套钥匙，简直要了他的命。他也试过各种办法：门边的小挂钩、床头的小碗、那种一吹口哨就会响的钥匙扣，你知道的。什么都没用。所以，今年他生日的时候，我们全家人凑了钱，把他送进了养老院。[笑声] 这可不容易，做这个决定一点都不轻松。我爸是个了不起的人，伙计们。我爸真是个了不起的——他一个人把五个男孩都带大了…… …而我们其他人却毫不知情。[笑声] 当然，我爸也有他的问题，你知道吗？他有他的毛病。我爸是个重度酒鬼，那种每晚都喝到断片的酒鬼。但值得称赞的是，他从来没有对我或者我妈动过一根手指，一次都没有。我不知道是因为他太爱我们了，还是他只是讨厌我的姐妹们。——但不管怎么说…… ——[笑声] 不管怎么说，他都是个好爸爸。我记得我有一段艰难的时期。我大概 10 岁的时候，我爸妈把我叫进了他们的卧室。" 他们说：“安东尼，我们想离婚。你得决定跟我们俩谁过。”我当时才 10 岁，什么都不懂。我只说：“爸爸，爸爸。我想跟爸爸过。”这太让人心碎了。我妈只是看着地板说：“好吧，安东尼，随你便。”我爸却说：“我不想离婚了。”[笑声]那段日子真难熬。也许我人生中最尴尬的时刻，就是我爸跟我谈性的时候。天哪，那老头子真是有些疯狂的癖好。[笑声]但也许我人生中最棒的时刻——我觉得这对于男人来说是普遍的——我 12 岁的时候，偷偷摸摸地在家里找东西，结果在阁楼深处找到了我爸的色情片。那真是个好日子，对我来说是改变人生的时刻。但我人生中最糟糕的一天，是我发现我妈的色情片的那天……就在那家录像店的后面。[笑声]我最近在《柯南秀》上讲了这个笑话——没错，就是《柯南秀》……[笑声]……然后我妈立刻给我打电话。她说：“安东尼，搞什么鬼？[笑声]你非得编个笑话，让我听起来像是在色情行业工作，然后还在《柯南秀》上说出来吗？那是我最不喜欢你讲的笑话。”我只是说：“好吧，妈，那只是因为你还没听过我讲的那些关于你的其他笑话，那些他们不让我上《柯南秀》讲的。”——比如说……[笑声]我妈真是个疯子。 人们总爱开玩笑说：“哦，我妈疯了。”我妈是真的疯了。她整个屋子都挂满了戴安娜王妃的照片。而且全是她出事后的照片。[笑声]大部分还是她自己画的。这真的太离谱了，伙计们。[笑声]我妈养了只小小的博美犬。她爱那狗胜过爱她的任何一个孩子。以至于去年它终于死了的时候，她把它做成了标本……里面还塞了另一只博美犬。[笑声][叹气]我妈最近过得不太好。她刚发现自己必须切除双乳……如果她还想打好高尔夫的话。[笑声]是啊。这消息听起来肯定不好受。所以我回家探望——我老家在匹兹堡——就是想和妈妈待一会儿，你懂的？-[零星掌声]-是啊。恭喜。[笑声]想回家和她待一会儿，你懂的，帮帮她，让她开心起来。但我妈现在只关心彩票，还有让我每天给她跑腿。每天都是，“安东尼，去帮我买彩票。去帮我买彩票，求你了。我今天可不想错过。”终于，这样过了一周后，我不得不对她说：“妈，你是不是疯了？你难道不知道你被闪电击中的几率都比我帮你忙的几率大吗？”[笑声]现在，我这些年说脱口秀学到一件事，那就是人们真的很容易生气。 如果我讲关于自杀的笑话，观众们会非常生气。所以，正因为如此，我准备了四个关于自杀的笑话。[笑声]男人：哎哟！[咯咯笑]这很恰当。[笑声]我家有很长的自杀史。好消息是，它隔代遗传。所以如果我走运的话，我的孩子们会自杀。[笑声]我永远不会忘记我姐姐阿什利去年试图跳崖自杀，这太糟糕了。实际上是我找到了她，而且还得开车送她去悬崖。[笑声]好像我没有别的事情可做似的。我小时候，我的汤姆叔叔自杀了。我记得那件事，因为家里人试图掩盖真相，让它看起来像他玩普通轮盘赌时不小心开枪自杀。[笑声]没有人——没有人被骗。就是没成功。但我认为对我来说最糟糕的可能是我表弟泰，他几年前自杀了。那很难，因为他只比我大一点点。我总是向他寻求建议。他在这方面也很棒，无论我问的是关于学校还是女孩，或者只是生活中的一般事情，你知道吗？他总是对我说同样的话。他会说：“安东尼，去死吧。”[笑声]我怀念那个人。不，你们今晚一直是很棒的观众。你们跟着我去了我想让你们去的每一个地方。但是如果你们一直坐在这里，想着：“安东尼，这一切都很好，但是你的冒犯性笑话在哪里？ "[笑声] 你们的压轴戏呢？如果你们想看的话。伙计们，我把那些留到最后。我现在要给你们讲一系列笑话，它们会越来越冒犯人。[欢呼和掌声] 我喜欢这种热情。让我们看看它能走多远。[笑声] 他们说这很容易——他们说嘲笑智障人士很容易。但让我告诉你们一件事——这不容易。你真的得向他们解释清楚。[笑声] 这是第一个。每天晚上，我女朋友下班回家，都会带回一盆盆栽。她会说：“安东尼，我必须把它买回来。我们公寓需要一盆盆栽。” 每天晚上，我都让她把它退回去。我说：“不行，宝贝。你照顾不了一盆盆栽。你连自己的孩子都养不活。”[笑声] 对吧？两连胜，是吧？[笑声和掌声] 我们刚刚——我们刚刚发现我弟弟对花生过敏。花生过敏，我知道这很严重。但是，我仍然觉得我父母完全反应过度了。他们抓到我吃了一小袋飞机花生，然后把我赶出了他的葬礼。[笑声] 我觉得你们中的一些人可能太善良了，不好意思笑这些笑话。没关系。不是每个人都有很好的幽默感。[笑声] 你们可能会喜欢我的小侄子。他大约 6 岁。太可爱了。我每天都和他通电话。他简直不可思议。他有史以来最棒的想象力。" 他要么将来会成为一位了不起的艺术家，要么他真的被性侵了。[笑声][欢呼和掌声]我甚至没笑那个，我当时在想接下来会发生什么。[笑声]我觉得我得说，我真的相信，当妈妈似乎是世界上最辛苦的工作之一。就像，字面上，仅次于喜剧演员。[笑声]所以，对我来说，如果一个妈妈尽力了，那么，在我看来，她就是个好妈妈，好吗？我妈妈确实尽了她最大的努力。不幸的是，她也是个糟糕透顶的人。就像，我妈妈在她生命的大部分时间里——这是真的——我妈妈在她生命的大部分时间里都是个大屠杀否认者。大家都知道那是什么意思吗？[笑声]这意味着她不相信大屠杀发生过。这简直是你所能成为的最糟糕的人。这对整个家庭来说都是个巨大的困扰，直到几年前，我们终于进行了一次干预。我们请了一位拉比到家里来，让他带着她回顾犹太民族的历史，然后他让她看了《辛德勒的名单》。在那之后，我妈妈彻底改变了。现在她不敢相信大屠杀只发生过一次。[笑声]我很高兴你们喜欢这个段子。[笑声]因为我妈妈也真的很种族歧视。就像，我小时候，我妈妈觉得那是聪明的育儿方式，她觉得试图说服我圣诞老人是黑人是个好主意。 因为那样的话，当我最终发现他不存在时，就不会那么失望了。[笑声]再来三个。[笑声]我不是一个有宗教信仰的人，我会称自己为无神论者。我没有什么特别的故事来解释我的信仰，我只是比较理性。[笑声]但是我的女朋友[咯咯笑]我的女朋友有一个关于她为什么不再信教的绝佳故事。她说，当她还是个孩子的时候，大概 12 岁，她的父母把一个 25 磅重的十字架钉在她床头的墙上。大约两周后，在半夜，那个十字架从墙上掉了下来，在她爸爸的头上留下了一个两英寸的伤口。[笑声]是的。不管你笑不笑，你都得承认，那真是个他妈的精彩故事。[笑声]现在，我女朋友现在让我抓狂的一件事是，她有，比如，一百万双鞋。真的，一百万双鞋。她甚至不喜欢穿它们。我发誓她只是喜欢从大屠杀博物馆偷东西。[笑声]现在，那个笑话，你要么在笑，要么你根本没去过大屠杀博物馆。[笑声]你得相信我。那里就像一个耐克工厂。[笑声]但是如果你没去过，你应该去。这很重要。[笑声]现在，像我这样经常飞行的人，那些一直飞行的人，他们都对我说同样的话。他们说，“安东尼，飞机上没有什么比婴儿更糟糕的了。没有什么比飞机上的婴儿更糟糕的了。”但我不同意。 我可以给你们举四个例子，说明在飞机上带孩子是多么棒的事情。虽然这些例子都发生在 9/11 那天。[笑声][掌声]现在，是时候告诉你们，我喜欢在演出结束后和粉丝见面。我喜欢人们走过来对我说：“安东尼，你真是个天才。安东尼，这是我看过最棒的演出。”仅此而已。我不想再听到任何其他的话。如果你对我今晚说的话有什么不满，那你就应该闭嘴。[笑声]因为，说真的，我比你更懂喜剧，而且你是来看我的。[男人模糊地喊着]就像我说的，闭嘴。[笑声][欢呼和掌声]但是，即使我说了这么多，你仍然觉得你需要上来抱怨，那么，我会尽可能地保持礼貌。然而，这样做是不明智的。因为你最终会成为我段子里的一个笑话……[笑声]……就像那个在西雅图演出后走过来向我抱怨的盲人。他走过来对我说：“安东尼，安东尼。[笑声]你今晚怎么没讲任何关于盲人的笑话？我今晚就是来听盲人笑话的。”我说：“好吧，这就是一个关于盲人的笑话。”[笑声]另一个对我来说很有趣的例子是波特兰的那个女同性恋，她在演出结束后跑了过来。我知道她是女同性恋，因为她跑过来喊道：“安东尼，我是个女同性恋！我今晚觉得你真的很有趣，但你很幸运没有在台上讲任何关于女同性恋的笑话。 因为如果你今晚敢拿女同性恋开玩笑，我肯定会气炸。”我当时真想对她说：“嘿，你难道没意识到你这样很糟糕，而且你根本没有幽默感吗？再说，如果你觉得我之前开的那些乱七八糟的玩笑都挺好笑，但唯独拿你或者你在乎的事情开玩笑你就会生气，那你就是个白痴。”我本来想把这些都说出来，但后来我突然想到：“安东尼，她是个女同性恋。她懂的。” [笑声] 我有史以来第二喜欢的演出后互动是——几年前我在波士顿，一个喝得醉醺醺的女孩——她们总是喝得醉醺醺的——冲到我面前。她尖叫着说：“你绝不能拿大屠杀开玩笑！”我问：“为什么？”你知道，就是故意找茬。 [笑声] 她说：“因为我的家人在大屠杀中遇难了。”我说：“嗯，你看起来不像犹太人啊。”她立刻回道：“听着，混蛋。有些界限你不能逾越，有些底线你永远不能触碰。”我赶紧说：“嘿，嘿，嘿。我刚才只是在夸你呢。” [笑声] 但我最喜欢、最棒、最无与伦比、再也不会发生的演出后互动，大概就是——就在大约一年前。我在佛罗里达州奥兰多演出，那是凯西·安东尼的家乡。这正是在审判之后，就像审判刚结束。我说：“听着，各位，我不明白这有什么大不了的。凯西·安东尼当然是无辜的。 如果她有罪，那也只是杀了她的孩子。” [笑声] 演出结束后，我正在拍照，给粉丝签名——你懂的。 [笑声] 一个人走到我面前，他非常清醒，看起来很沮丧。他说：“你需要帮我一个忙。”这真是一个糟糕的开场白。他说：“你以后再也不要讲凯西·安东尼的笑话了。”我说：“为什么？”你知道，我就是想找茬。 [笑声] 他说——我永远不会忘记。他说：“因为她的女儿凯莉·安东尼是我的侄女。”我说：“胡说八道。”这时他拿出手机，悲伤地按了几下，给我看了一张他抱着小凯莉·安莉的照片，当然，那是他们更快乐的时候。 [笑声] 他说：“看到了吗？看到了吗，你这个狗娘养的？”我说：“不，老兄，我相信你。我只是说她是你的侄女。”非常感谢大家。祝大家今晚愉快。非常感谢。 -谢谢。 -[欢呼和掌声] 女人：嘿，大家好，我是安东尼·杰塞尔尼克的暖场人，可以说。在他上台之前，我先说几分钟。我有 1 万美元。不，我会很高兴。 [笑] 然后我去了伦敦，我在那里的第一天…… [笑声] 你走进房子。你有一件夹克、一顶帽子和一个包。是的，但是，是的。但是非常好看。这是一个很好的组合，对吧？然后做出这种非常不内疚的表情。 [笑声] 就像，我从来没有见过……太棒了。你们太棒了。享受安东尼·杰塞尔尼克的表演吧。这将是一个美妙的夜晚。 谢谢大家！[欢呼声和掌声] [掌声] 男人：好了，各位，请大家鼓掌。有请安东尼·杰塞尔尼克！[欢呼声和掌声]
