Archive of Our Own ^beta

It started with a pebble stone thrown across a calm surface of a lake. The first wave rippled through the water, followed by a few more until the stone finally sunk. Going down and down.
一切始於一顆小石子被扔進平靜的湖面。第一道漣漪在水面擴散，接著又泛起幾圈波紋，直到石子最終沉入水底。不斷下沉、下沉。

The pebble stone was in the form of Taehyun’s nonchalant statement (not even a question) of “so you are dating Soobin hyung”; said without so much a bat of eyelashes.
這顆小石子就是泰亨那句漫不經心的陳述（甚至不是疑問句）——「所以你在和秀彬哥交往嘛」；說這話時他連睫毛都沒顫動一下。

With all forces come opposite reactions, and this bomb he dropped earned two.
所有作用力都會引發反作用力，而他投下的這枚炸彈引發了雙重反應。

The first one came without a delay.
第一重反應來得毫不遲疑。

Beomgyu was in the middle of sneaking a sip of milk from its carton when he heard Taehyun’s voice, and he really hoped that Taehyun would assume it happened because he only noticed now that his younger bandmate was sitting in the dark corner of their kitchen table. It was totally not because of the impact of his statement: how it acted as a blow to Beomgyu’s stomach, making him choke on the mouthful of milk and spurting some drops over the front of his shirt.
范奎正偷偷從牛奶盒裡啜飲一口時，突然聽見泰亨的聲音。他真心希望泰亨會以為自己嗆到只是因為現在才注意到這位年輕隊友坐在廚房餐桌的陰暗角落，絕對不是因為那句話帶來的衝擊——那句話像一記重拳打在范奎肚子上，讓他被滿嘴牛奶嗆到，還噴了幾滴在前襟上。

“What?”  「啥？」

“You and Soobin hyung are dating, right?” Taehyun repeated, which earned a wheeze from the poor guy drenched in milk because no. He didn’t need to hear that twice.
「你和秀彬哥在交往對吧？」泰亨重複道，這句話讓那個可憐的、渾身牛奶的傢伙發出窒息般的聲音——因為不，他實在不需要聽第二遍。

“Gross! I’ve never been so offended.”
「噁心死了！我從來沒這麼不爽過。」

“You were literally smooching with him, don’t think I didn’t see,” the blonde said, filled with disdain as he did so. The spite was explained afterwards as he mumbled something close to this is why I hate couples, always showing off, being in love and shit and Beomgyu wanted to scream.
「你根本就是在跟他親熱，別以為我沒看見。」金髮男子語帶輕蔑地說道。隨後他低聲咕噥著類似「這就是我討厭情侶的原因，老是炫耀、談戀愛什麼的」的話語，那股怨氣表露無遺，讓范奎簡直想尖叫。

Instead, he burst into a hearty laughter, wiping the milk off himself and the floor while storing the carton back into the fridge. After the first damage was cleaned, he moved on to the second, as he shouted towards the living room.
相反地，他爆出一陣爽朗大笑，一邊擦掉身上和地板的牛奶，同時把紙盒塞回冰箱。清理完第一波災情後，他朝客廳大喊著處理第二波。

“Soobin hyung, are we dating?”
「秀彬哥，我們在交往嗎？」

“Gross!” the answer came immediately. Beomgyu smiled brightly at the frown drawn over Taehyun’s face.
「噁心死了！」對方立刻回嘴。范奎看著泰賢皺起的眉頭，笑得一臉燦爛。

“It doesn’t make sense. I mean, I respect it if you two want to keep it a secret, though. Just made me wonder since I could see you two kissing from here.”
「這不合理啊。不過我的意思是，如果你們想保密的話我也尊重啦。只是讓我有點好奇，因為從這裡就能看到你們在接吻。」

Oh. So that’s the reason.
哦。原來是這樣啊。

A few minutes earlier, Beomgyu did cause a scene when he exited his bedroom, opening the door with a bang and throwing a plastic ball towards Soobin who was gaming in the living room. It momentarily tore the leader’s attention away from his computer, just enough for him to throw the ball back at him, and sulked when he missed.
幾分鐘前，范奎走出臥室時確實鬧了一場。他砰地甩開房門，把塑膠球砸向正在客廳打遊戲的秀彬。這讓隊長暫時從電腦螢幕前分神，足以讓他回扔一球——當他沒接住時，還氣鼓鼓地嘟起了嘴。

“You’re such a baby, you know that?” Beomgyu teased him then, sitting on the floor next to him and peeking to the computer screen where the game was still active. “And you’re losing too.”
「你根本就是個小屁孩，知道嗎？」范奎接著調侃他，在地板上挨著他坐下，偷瞄了一眼電腦螢幕上仍在進行中的遊戲。「而且你還輸了。」

“This is because of you.”
「這都是因為你。」

“Have you ever considered the fact that maybe you’re just a loser at this game? I could probably beat you with my eyes closed. Why do you have to try so hard when—“
「你有沒有想過，或許你在這遊戲裡就是個輸家？我閉著眼睛都能打贏你。你幹嘛這麼拼命——」

An exasperated sigh interrupted him first, and then came the assertive grip on Beomgyu’s nape. He was suddenly being pulled closer. A pair of lips swallowed the rest of his words and melting away his teasing smile.
一聲不耐的嘆息先打斷了他，接著是果斷地扣住范奎的後頸。他突然被拉近。一雙唇吞沒了他剩下的話語，也融化了他那戲謔的笑容。

It started out rough, laced with annoyance as Soobin was kissing him with the sole intention of shutting him up. But the quick peck that followed right after was a rather tender one, drawing a softer smile across Beomgyu's lips once they parted. His eyes glittered with excitement. A whole satisfied puppy.
一開始很粗暴，帶著不耐煩，因為秀彬親他只是為了讓他閉嘴。但緊接著的那個輕吻卻異常溫柔，分開時讓范奎的嘴角揚起一抹更柔軟的微笑。他的眼睛閃爍著興奮的光芒，活像隻心滿意足的小狗。

“That’s what you wanted right? Shoo.”
「這不就是你想要的嗎？去去。」

He could depend on his best friend to indulge him on what he wanted, even at the cost of losing his current game round.
他可以依賴他最好的朋友來縱容他想要的，即使代價是輸掉當前的遊戲回合。

“It was just a kiss, though,” Beomgyu said, a genuinely confused frown formed on his face. Head tilted to a side as the expression on Taehyun’s face morphed into an astonished one. “You don’t kiss your friends?”
「不過就是個吻而已，」范奎說，臉上浮現真誠的困惑皺眉。他歪著頭，看著泰亨的表情轉為震驚。「你不會親吻朋友嗎？」

“No?”  「不要？」

“You’re missing out! I would kiss you too right here,” Beomgyu made a move to go around the table and reach the younger, only to sit back down when Taehyun jabbed a fork into his melon piece. A clear message that the next jab might land somewhere on Beomgyu’s precious, flawless skin if he dared to proceed with his intention.
「你錯過好康的啦！我也會在這裡親你，」范奎作勢要繞過桌子靠近忙內，卻在泰亨用叉子戳進他的哈密瓜塊時坐回原位。這明顯是在警告：要是他敢繼續付諸行動，下一叉可能就會落在他寶貴無瑕的肌膚上。

“This doesn’t make sense, hyung. I thought I caught you kissing a few times before too, though more discreet than just now. You meant to say that you two kiss often? Casually?”
「這不合理啊，哥。我記得之前也撞見你們接吻幾次，雖然比剛才低調多了。你是想說你們經常接吻？很隨興的那種？」

Beomgyu nodded. “There was this research that kisses relieve stress, so we have been doing it with each other. I heard that it's normal for best friends to kiss each other too, so it’s a win-win situation, right?”
范奎點點頭。「有研究指出接吻能紓解壓力，所以我們一直這樣互相幫助。聽說好朋友之間接吻也很正常，這不是雙贏嗎？」

“Best friends totally don’t kiss each other.”
「真正的死黨才不會接吻好嗎。」

“We have been doing it for a bit and it worked with the stress problem, so it’s fine for me,” he shrugged. His eyes scanned Taehyun’s face that still looked troubled for a moment, before a smile slowly formed over his face. “It’s all platonic so you don’t have to worry if you want to like, you know, flirt with me or something. I don’t think there is a regulation against office dating for us…AH!”
「我們這樣做一陣子了，確實能緩解壓力問題，我覺得沒差啦。」他聳聳肩，目光掃過泰亨仍顯困擾的臉龐，隨即緩緩綻開笑容。「反正純粹是柏拉圖式關係，你想調情什麼的也不用顧忌。公司應該沒禁止辦公室戀情...啊！」

The long narration was interrupted by his own scream as he spotted the fork getting dangerously close to his hand that was laid on the table. Despite that, there was no annoyance left on Taehyun’s face, only confusion. The gears in his head were still turning in full force, like he was still trying to make sense of this.
長篇大論被自己的尖叫打斷，他眼睜睜看著叉子險險擦過平放桌面的手背。但泰亨臉上不見惱怒，只剩滿滿困惑，腦中思緒仍高速運轉著，彷彿還在試圖理解這一切。

“Are you sure that it was platonic, though? What draws the line between a platonic and a romantic kiss?”
「你確定那真的只是柏拉圖式？柏拉圖式接吻和浪漫接吻的界線到底在哪？」

Now, that was new.  這倒是新鮮事。

Beomgyu was not an expert in kissing and relationships. He had his fair share of experience back in middle school. All those nervous hand holding sessions and clumsy kisses he shared with the people he dated at that time. Being a band member came with its perks, including being popular in the whole dating business.
范奎可不是什麼接吻與戀愛專家。他在國中時期確實累積了一些經驗，那些緊張兮兮的牽手時刻，還有和當時交往對象之間笨拙的親吻。身為樂團成員確實有些好處，包括在戀愛市場上特別受歡迎這點。

The kisses that he shared back then were supposed to be the romantic ones, yet they felt so shallow. He couldn’t even remember his first kiss when people romanticized the hell out of it; all these sayings and quotes about how you bring your first kiss to grave with you.
那些過往的親吻本該浪漫，卻顯得如此膚淺。當人們把初吻神化得天花亂墜時，他甚至記不清自己的初吻——那些關於「初吻會伴你入土」的陳腔濫調。

“Well, you just know,” was the only thing he could offer as an answer to Taehyun’s wondering. His skin was alight with shame for not knowing the exact answer to it. So he played it off, ruffling Taehyun’s hair under the younger’s doubtful look. “You will know when it happens, Taehyun-ah. Just listen to hyung!”
「這個嘛，到時候你就懂了。」面對泰賢的疑惑，他只能擠出這種回答。因無法給出確切答案而羞赧得渾身發燙，他索性揉亂泰賢的頭髮，在對方狐疑的目光下打哈哈：「等時候到了你自然會明白，泰賢啊。聽哥的就對了！」

The second reaction came with a delay, and that caused the impact to hit him harder.
第二波反應來得遲了些，這反而讓衝擊更加強烈。

It hit him as he stared at the ceiling above his face a few hours later. The lamps were turned off and soft wind was blowing into the room from where he left a tiny part of the window open. He hadn’t started thinking about what Taehyun was saying yet, too occupied with a series of thoughts that always hit him at this hour of the night.
幾小時後，當他盯著頭頂的天花板時，這股衝擊猛然襲來。燈已熄滅，微風從他刻意留了條縫的窗戶吹進房內。他還沒開始思考泰亨說的話，此刻腦海正被那些總在深夜時分浮現的思緒佔據。

Then the voice ripped through the calmness of the night, a soft call of his name that pulled him out of the pool of toxins created by his own dark thoughts.
那道嗓音劃破了夜晚的寧靜，輕聲呼喚著他的名字，將他從自己陰暗思緒構築的毒沼中拉了出來。

“Beomgyu, are you still awake?” it was Soobin, who apparently just finished his gaming session and got locked out again by the damned door lock that had a personal vendetta against the leader.
「範奎，你還醒著嗎？」是秀彬的聲音，顯然他剛結束遊戲對戰，又被該死的門鎖擋在門外——那鎖簡直跟隊長有私人恩怨似的。

Despite his sourness every time he addressed this problem towards the fans, Soobin was actually gentle every time he got locked out. There was no banging on the door or loud call of Beomgyu’s name, knowing that the younger would have troubles falling asleep again if he got woken up in the middle of it.
儘管每次向粉絲抱怨這件事時總擺張臭臉，但秀彬每次被鎖在門外時其實都很溫柔。他從不會用力捶門或大聲喊範奎的名字，因為知道如果中途被吵醒，弟弟會很難再入睡。

It filled his chest with warmth when he slid down from the top bunk to unlock the door, welcoming his roommate inside. He returned Soobin’s sour look with an innocent grin.
當他從上鋪溜下來開門迎接室友時，胸口總會湧起一股暖意。他用無辜的笑容回應秀彬的臭臉。

“Careful with your steps, you left your clothes all over the floor,” Beomgyu said as he scurried back to the ladder before the other could nag him for the lock again.
「小心點走，你把衣服丟得滿地都是，」范奎一邊說，一邊趕在對方再次嘮叨鎖頭前溜回梯子旁。

“Can’t sleep?” Soobin asked instead, voice gentle.
「睡不著嗎？」秀彬輕聲問道。

“Mm…”  「嗯…」

“Come here.”  「過來。」

Despite saying that, Soobin was the one who closed the distance between them. Beomgyu turned around to find the elder already crowding into his space. There was a swoop in his stomach realizing that Soobin was so close, pressing his back against the ladder. The solid wood that was digging into his back contrasted with the warmth radiating from Soobin’s chest.
儘管這麼說，秀彬才是主動縮短距離的那個人。范奎轉身發現年長者已經擠進他的空間。當他意識到秀彬靠得如此之近，將他壓在梯子上時，胃部一陣翻騰。堅硬的木頭抵著他的背，與秀彬胸口散發的溫暖形成鮮明對比。

“Sending me to sleep with a kiss? What kind of reverse prince charming you are,” he snorted.
「用吻送我入睡？你這算哪門子的反向白馬王子，」他嗤之以鼻。

“I have another idea, but you might be too tired out for schedules tomorrow,” replied the elder. The hand settled on Beomgyu’s waist held a promise of a next time, with a stroke of Soobin’s thumb on his bare skin right atop the waistband of his shorts.
「我有另一個主意，但你明天可能因為行程太累了。」年長者回答。那隻搭在范奎腰際的手承諾著下一次，修彬的拇指在他短褲腰帶上方的裸露肌膚輕輕摩挲。

His body was too accustomed to Soobin’s touches. It responded on its own accord, and he hated the elder for that.
他的身體太過熟悉修彬的碰觸。未經思考便擅自回應，他為此恨透了這個年長者。

He hated how ready he was to tip his head up and welcomed Soobin’s kiss. He hated the way Soobin stole his thoughts away, leaving nothing but an echo of Taehyun’s words.
他厭惡自己竟如此輕易地仰頭迎接秀彬的吻。他痛恨秀彬就這樣奪走他的思緒，只留下太顯話語的迴響。

What draws the line between a platonic and a romantic kiss?
柏拉圖式親吻與浪漫之吻的界線究竟何在？

Like hell he would know when he always lost his mind the moment Soobin’s lips made contact with his own. 
他怎麼可能會知道，每次當秀彬的唇一碰到他的，他就完全失去理智了。

He could only feel the familiar softness of Soobin's lips against his own, could taste the hint of wetness and a taste of those fruity drinks left on his tongue when the kiss deepened. The slide of Soobin’s tongue in his mouth coaxed a soft noise from his throat, and he didn’t realize that he was clutching onto the front of Soobin’s loose shirt until the leader took his hand away, pinning it against the wooden frame of the bed next to his head.
他只能感受到秀彬那熟悉的柔軟唇瓣貼上自己的，當這個吻加深時，還能嚐到一絲濕潤與殘留在對方舌尖的水果調酒甜味。秀彬的舌滑入他口中時，從他喉間誘出一聲輕喘，直到隊長將他的手拉開、按在床頭木框上時，他才意識到自己一直緊抓著秀彬寬鬆上衣的前襟。

The way their fingers were laced together was too intimate, but it was nothing compared to the kiss. Nothing like making him forget how to breathe like when Soobin dragged his lips along Beomgyu’s jaw, imprinting the ghost of his kisses there too until he stopped right below his earlobe.
他們十指緊扣的方式太過親密，但比起那個吻根本不算什麼。沒有什麼能像秀彬沿著範奎的下顎游移的唇瓣那樣，讓他忘記如何呼吸，直到他在耳垂下方停下，在那裡也留下了他輕如幽靈的親吻痕跡。

“Good night, Beomgyu-yah,” came Soobin’s soft whisper, low and reserved only for him. Beomgyu felt full.
「晚安，範奎啊。」秀彬輕聲低語，那溫柔的嗓音只為他保留。範奎感到無比滿足。

It would’ve worked.  這本來會成功的。

If it were any other day, he would climb back into his bed and sink into the comfort of his bed all sated. He would fall asleep to the sound of Soobin’s even breathing from the bottom bunk. If only it was not for Taehyun’s comments that stuck on his head like a gum to the sole of his shoes.
要是換作平常的日子，他早就心滿意足地爬回自己床上，沉浸在舒適的被窩裡。聽著下鋪秀彬均勻的呼吸聲入睡。要不是泰亨那番話像口香糖黏在鞋底般揮之不去。

Beomgyu might be a newbie to relationships, but he knew as much that the kiss from earlier was nothing platonic.
范奎雖然是戀愛新手，但他很清楚剛才那個吻絕非單純友誼。

Best friends do not kiss that way.
好朋友才不會那樣接吻。

If the first impact came with a punch to his guts, this delayed one was a jab to his chest. It filled up the space inside his rib cages with a liquefied ache. One that stuck to the walls of his chest, coating it in the thick substance, and demanding to be felt.
如果第一次衝擊像是腹部挨了一拳，這次延遲的震撼就是直擊胸口的刺拳。那種液態般的疼痛填滿了他的胸腔，黏附在胸壁內側，像厚重塗層般要求被感知。

He might kiss any other of his group mates and call it platonic, but kissing Soobin was different. 
他或許可以親吻其他團員並稱之為柏拉圖式的愛，但親吻秀彬就是不一樣。

He didn’t know when it started. The accelerated beating of his heart. The longing he felt every time Soobin was not around. The urges to curl up inside Soobin’s arms and make a home in him.
他不知道是從什麼時候開始的。每當秀彬不在身邊時，那種加速的心跳、那份渴望，還有那股想蜷縮在秀彬懷裡、在他身上築巢的衝動。

Taehyun might not be aware of the consequences of his curious statement. It resulted in a sleepless night, where Beomgyu stared at his ceiling for long hours, rewinding every kiss he had shared with Soobin ever since the first time the idea was proposed. And he knew that he was doomed the moment he realized he remembered every single kiss.
泰亨或許沒意識到自己那句好奇的話會帶來什麼後果。這導致了埈奎度過了一個失眠的夜晚，他盯著天花板好幾個小時，不斷重播自從這個點子被提出以來，他和秀彬分享過的每一個吻。而當他發現自己記得每一個吻的細節時，就知道自己完蛋了。

Every single touch, every tender whispers to his ears. To his skin. Into his mouth.
每一次觸碰，每一句輕柔的耳語。對他的肌膚。進入他的唇間。

Six months after he started platonically kissing Soobin, Choi Beomgyu realized that he was in love with his best friend.
在他開始與 Soobin 進行柏拉圖式親吻的六個月後，崔范奎意識到自己愛上了最好的朋友。

//

Beomgyu thought he was brilliant the first time he proposed the idea.
范奎初次提出這個點子時，還以為自己聰明絕頂。

It was a warm summer day inside their newly shared bedroom. Soobin was still playing in the room at that time, since the piles of trinkets weren’t too high that he still had free space on the desk for his gaming laptop.
那是他們剛合租房間的溫暖夏日午後。當時蘇彬仍在房裡打遊戲，因為雜物堆得還不算太高，書桌上仍有足夠空間擺放他的電競筆電。

In retrospect, he should’ve actually read the contents of the research journal. Except, Choi Beomgyu was the type to skim through a long text when he encountered one, relying on the big title atop of it. After all, what was the function of a title being in a bigger font if it wasn’t to distract readers from its actual contents?
事後回想，他真該仔細閱讀那本研究期刊的內容。只不過崔范奎向來是那種遇到長篇文章就快速瀏覽的人，全仰賴頂端的大標題做判斷。畢竟，如果標題用大字體不是為了分散讀者對內文的注意力，那還能是什麼用途呢？

“Soobin hyung,” he called out, peering at the latter from where he laid down on his bunk bed. “You know how we’ve been so stressed lately, right? We have been having more talks and lost more games because of those.”
「秀彬哥，」他從自己躺著的雙層床上探出頭來，望著對方。「你知道我們最近壓力很大吧？因為那些事，我們開會變多了，比賽也輸得更慘。」

“Hmm…” came Soobin’s distracted answer.
「嗯…」秀彬心不在焉地應了一聲。

“What if we kiss?’  「如果我們接吻呢？」

There was a particularly long period of silence, one that almost made Beomgyu regret his decision to open his mouth without thinking further. What if Soobin was grossed out by the idea? Beomgyu didn’t have any qualms about platonic kissing – the stress relieving method offered by the paper. He definitely did not have any qualms about kissing Choi Soobin.
沉默持續了特別久，久到讓范奎幾乎要後悔自己沒多想就脫口而出的決定。要是秀彬覺得這個提議很噁心怎麼辦？范奎對柏拉圖式的親吻毫無心理障礙——畢竟那是論文推薦的紓壓方法。而他對親吻崔秀彬這件事，更是完全沒有任何心理障礙。

Soobin’s lips were to die for, and he had read enough comments on the internet from people who described the pair of lips in descriptive manner, always emphasizing about how they would feel so good in a kiss. All soft and shiny and just. Soobin.
秀彬的嘴唇簡直讓人想為之赴死，他在網上看過太多人用各種華麗辭藻形容那對唇瓣，總是不斷強調接吻時會有多美妙的觸感。那麼柔軟、那麼水潤，完全就是...秀彬的風格。

(Maybe he should’ve considered a possibility that he might get influenced by their fans who were actually in love with Choi Soobin.)
（或許他該考慮到自己可能被那些真心愛著崔秀彬的粉絲們影響了。）

“Are you in love with me?”
「你愛上我了嗎？」

Beomgyu almost dozed off by the time Soobin actually answered. The voice came too close to him, and only then did he realize that the elder had abandoned his game, the way he always did when Beomgyu was close to breaking down from overthinking.
范奎差點就要睡著時，秀彬終於回應了。那聲音離他太近，這時他才發現哥哥已經放下遊戲——每當范奎因過度思考而瀕臨崩潰時，秀彬總是這樣做。

“No!” he replied quickly, all the hint of drowsiness taken away from him so quickly that he might have gotten a whiplash. “But that’s better, isn’t it? If feelings are involved, it will be messy.”
「才不是！」他迅速反駁，所有睡意瞬間消散，快得像是被甩了一鞭。「但這樣更好，不是嗎？如果摻雜感情，事情會變得很麻煩。」

“How are you so sure that you don’t have feelings for me?” Soobin asked, the lines of worries on his face replaced by amusement. The conversation became more lighthearted just like that. “This happened in movies, you know. Asking for a kiss, saying that they’re not in love, only to end up being all dramatic when it had to end.”
「你怎麼能這麼確定你對我沒感覺？」秀彬問道，臉上的憂慮線條被一抹笑意取代。對話就這樣變得輕鬆起來。「電影裡不都這樣演嗎？要求一個吻，說他們沒有戀愛，結果結束時又搞得戲劇性十足。」

“Please, why would I settle for you?”
「拜託，我幹嘛要將就你？」

“Why would you settle with kissing me then?” he arched a brow, challenging.
「那你幹嘛將就著親我？」他挑眉挑釁道。

“Because you’re my best friend and my leader,” the answer came without any second of hesitation, so quick that it surprised the other too. “And I like the shape of your lips.”
「因為你是我最好的朋友兼隊長，」答案毫不猶豫脫口而出，快得連對方都愣住了。「而且我喜歡你嘴唇的形狀。」

“I like your lips too.”
「我也喜歡你的嘴唇。」

“That’s gay.”  「這也太 gay 了吧。」

A hint of irritation crossed Soobin’s face now, along with a press of his lips into a thin line. Beomgyu pushed himself up to sit. “So, kiss?”
秀彬臉上閃過一絲不耐煩，薄唇抿成一條直線。范奎撐起身子坐起來。「所以，要接吻嗎？」

Soobin exhaled a sigh. “How do we do this?”
秀彬嘆了口氣。「我們該怎麼做？」

Their first kiss was an awkward one, driven by curiosity more than anything else.
他們的初吻笨拙而生澀，與其說是情動，不如說是好奇心驅使。

Beomgyu had hurried down from his bunk so he could get to it before Soobin changed his mind, standing right before the elder in a record of time. He ignored the dizziness that took over his head from changing his position too quickly, only to grumble as he had to tip his head up to look at the elder.
范奎飛快從上鋪爬下來，趕在秀彬改變主意前站到對方面前，速度快得破紀錄。他無視因動作太急而襲來的暈眩感，卻在發現得仰頭才能看清哥哥時忍不住咕噥抱怨。

The height difference was not a problem when it came to dancing, but Beomgyu hated it when it got in the way of kissing Soobin.
跳舞時的身高差不是問題，但當這妨礙到親吻秀彬時，范奎就討厭極了。

It was really offensive too, when Soobin had to lean down to match his height. He even brought it up a few times later on, being a menace he was. But Beomgyu was satisfied enough when he felt the pair of plush lips pressing gently against his own in a chaste, fleeting kiss.
更令人惱火的是，秀彬還得彎下腰來配合他的身高。後來范奎甚至多次提起這件事，就像他平常那樣愛鬧。但當那對柔軟的唇瓣輕輕貼上他的，給予一個純潔而短暫的吻時，范奎就已經足夠滿足了。

If he were to describe the kiss, it tasted like the first time you tasted those pink fluffy cotton candies you see at a theme park. It was sweet and exciting, and you would consider getting it again next time.
如果要他形容那個吻，嚐起來就像你第一次在遊樂園裡吃到那種粉紅色蓬鬆棉花糖的感覺。既甜蜜又令人興奮，讓你想著下次還要再來一次。

“Was that okay?” Soobin asked, as if he was going for customer feedback. Who even gives rating to a kiss?
「這樣可以嗎？」秀彬問道，彷彿在徵求客戶意見反饋。誰會給一個吻打分數啊？

“6 out of 10 for a first kiss.”
「初吻的話 6 分吧。」

That’s right, Choi Beomgyu did, and that was the reason this worked out so well between them. Soobin might look like he was so composed, or that he had his life together. The truth is that they shared this single braincell that would bring either their success or demise in this co-op living situation.
沒錯，崔杋圭就是會這麼做，而這也正是他們相處如此融洽的原因。秀彬表面上看起來沉穩冷靜，彷彿人生一切盡在掌握。但事實上，他們共享著同一顆腦細胞，這顆腦細胞決定了他們同居生活究竟會成功還是毀滅。

Beomgyu gave himself a pat on the back, thinking he was such a genius for recommending this kissing arrangement.
杋圭得意地拍拍自己的背，覺得推薦這種接吻協議的自己真是個天才。

//

At least for the first few weeks, it worked well, until it got boring.
至少在前幾週，這招還挺管用的，直到後來變得無聊透頂。

They kissed at random moments, only when they remembered that hey, i have someone i can kiss now! because mostly it happened only when one of them got reminded that kissing exists.
他們總是在不經意的時刻接吻，只因為突然想起：嘿，我現在有可以親吻的人了！畢竟多數時候，這都發生在其中一人突然記起「原來世界上還有接吻這回事」的時候。

In Beomgyu’s case, it was mostly after watching a drama show where the couple actually got together instead of breaking up. He would climb down from his bed and casually joined Soobin in his tiny lower bunk, puckering up his lips.
對范奎來說，通常是在看完某部男女主角終於修成正果（而不是分手收場）的戲劇後。他會從上鋪爬下來，若無其事地擠進秀彬那張狹窄的下鋪，然後噘起嘴唇。

“Smooch?” he would ask. So not romantic of him, but that was the point. The kisses were not supposed to be romantic, it’s just the way Soobin’s lips melted his joints that made it so hard for him to keep being a fool when he was being kissed.
「親一下？」他總是這樣問。一點都不浪漫，但這正是重點。這些吻本就不該帶有浪漫色彩，只是秀彬的唇瓣總能讓他渾身發軟，以至於被親吻時實在很難繼續裝傻。

Whenever Soobin initiated the kiss, it came in more random moments. They could just be zoning out after a tiring dance practice, and as they were about to leave the dancing room, he might pull Beomgyu in a corner to swoop a surprise kiss from his lips.
每當秀彬主動親吻時，總是在更隨興的時刻。可能只是疲憊的舞蹈練習後放空發呆，正當他們準備離開練舞室時，他會突然把杋圭拉到角落，猝不及防地偷走一個吻。

There were also moments where they were left alone in the waiting room before shows, or in the dressing rooms. They were totally random and impulsive, as if Soobin looked at Beomgyu and decided that he wanted to kiss him. Beomgyu decided not to mention his observation in fear that Soobin would stop doing it.
在演出前的休息室或化妝間裡，偶爾也會有他們獨處的時刻。那些親吻總是突如其來又衝動，彷彿秀彬只是看了杋圭一眼，就決定要吻他。杋圭察覺到這點卻選擇不說，生怕一提起秀彬就不會再這麼做了。

And then it got repetitive.
然後這變得重複了。

“Kisses are getting boring, I think I may need an actual boyfriend now to cure my boredom,” Beomgyu said forlornly, dramatically staring at the wall of the studio. He was supposed to sit there in silence while waiting for Soobin to finish reviewing his MC script.
「親吻開始變得無聊了，我想我現在可能需要一個真正的男朋友來治癒我的無聊，」范奎憂鬱地說，戲劇性地盯著工作室的牆壁。他原本應該安靜地坐在那裡，等待秀彬完成他的 MC 腳本審查。

The initial answer that he got was a pensive look when Soobin swivelled around in his chair, a marker still stuck between his teeth until he let it fall into his lap. “Are you asking me out now?”
他最初得到的回應是一個沉思的表情，當秀彬在椅子上轉過身來，一支馬克筆還咬在牙齒間，直到它掉到他的腿上。「你現在是在約我出去嗎？」

“What, no!” he made a disgusted noise at the back of his throat. “Not you.”
「什麼，才不是！」他在喉嚨後方發出一個厭惡的聲音。「不是你。」

“What a loss, I’m getting asked out every week after Music Bank and you’re rejecting me now?”
「真是虧大了，我每週在《Music Bank》後都會被約出去，你現在卻拒絕我？」

Beomgyu scoffed. “Go out with them then.”
Beomgyu 不屑地哼了一聲。「那你就跟他們出去啊。」

“Why would I? It’s not safe to kiss strangers in the middle of the pandemic,” Soobin said with such a serious look that made Beomgyu burst into laughter. “Seriously!”
「我幹嘛要？疫情期間跟陌生人接吻多不安全。」秀彬一臉正經地說，逗得杋圭哈哈大笑。「我是認真的！」

“Dating is not only about kissing, my dear Soobinie hyung. There are other things, like the excitement you feel whenever you see them, or the sparks fly.”
「戀愛又不只是接吻而已，我親愛的秀彬哥。還有很多其他事情，像是每次見到對方時的那種悸動，或是火花四射的感覺。」

“Stop listening to your yearning playlist. Sick of those.”
「別再聽你那張思念歌單了，聽得我都煩了。」

“Anyway! It’s boring with just kissing,” he concluded in the end.
「總之！光接吻太無聊了，」他最後總結道。

Again, he wasn’t thinking much when he said it, only realizing it a little later when Soobin grew quiet. What if the elder thought that kissing him was boring? Before he could explain it further, however, Soobin cut his thoughts off first.
話說出口時他依舊沒想太多，直到稍後秀彬突然沉默才意識到問題。萬一哥哥覺得和他接吻很無趣怎麼辦？然而還沒等他解釋，秀彬就先打斷了他的思緒。

“What if it’s boring only because we’re not doing it right?”
「如果會無聊，會不會只是因為我們方法不對？」

That piqued his interest. “How do people kiss right ? It’s just a kiss. Smooch of lips.”
這句話引起了他的興趣。「怎樣才算正確的接吻？不就是親一下嘛，嘴唇碰嘴唇而已。」

Soobin stared at him with a look so pitiful he was almost offended. He would have thrown hands right there if only the leader didn’t beckon him closer, igniting his curiosity further with the offer.
秀彬用一種近乎冒犯的憐憫眼神盯著他。要不是隊長招手示意他靠近，用這個提議進一步點燃他的好奇心，他當場就要動手了。

“Let me show you,” he said, a waiting hand extended towards him.
「讓我示範給你看，」秀彬說著，向他伸出一隻等待的手。

The walk towards Soobin was uncertain, but every doubt vanished from his head the moment their hands made contact. Soobin’s fingers easily wrapped around his wrist, and Beomgyu was gone.
走向秀彬的步伐帶著不確定，但當他們的手相觸的那一刻，所有疑慮都從他腦海中消散。秀彬的手指輕易地環住他的手腕，而范奎就這樣淪陷了。

If he thought that he was familiar with the way Soobin kiss before; the playful audible smack when he was feeling playful, the gentle kisses that barely traced along Beomgyu’s lips whenever he wanted to kiss the sadness away from the younger’s face, the stolen kisses for when they had to hide from their colleagues’ watchful eyes. All of them were nothing compared to this.
如果他以為自己熟悉玟彬親吻的方式——那些嬉鬧時會發出聲響的啄吻，那些想從弟弟臉上吻去憂傷時輕掠過嘴角的溫柔觸碰，還有躲避同事目光時偷來的短暫親吻——那麼此刻一切都顯得微不足道。

This started from the moment Beomgyu was cornered against the edge of the desk. For once, his breath was taken away even before he was kissed.
一切始於他被逼到辦公桌邊緣的瞬間。生平第一次，他甚至還沒被吻上就已然窒息。

“Hyung—“he choked out, only to have his voice lost in a gasp when the ground disappeared from under his feet.
「哥——」他掙扎出聲，卻在雙腳離地的瞬間化為一聲驚喘。

He found himself seated on the desk, paying no mind to the sound of things clattering down to the floor because he could only focus on Soobin’s hands that were clasped over his hips. Was it that easy to lift him? Beomgyu suddenly felt small, only realizing now how big the elder’s hands looked on him, and how strong his grips could be despite being the designated weakest member of the group.
當他回神時已坐在桌面上，物品墜地的聲響完全無暇顧及，只能專注於玟彬緊扣在他腰際的雙手。原來舉起他這麼容易嗎？他突然覺得自己好小，此刻才驚覺年長者的手掌在自己身上顯得如此寬大，明明是全團公認最弱的那個，指節卻能迸發出這般力道。

And Soobin. Soobin was so close, yet not close enough.
還有秀彬。秀彬明明近在咫尺，卻又遙不可及。

He was probably enjoying this. Beomgyu was expecting an annoying smile smacked over the leader’s lips when he looked up, only for him to shrink under Soobin’s deep gaze.
他大概很享受這一切。範奎抬頭時預期會看到隊長嘴角掛著惱人的笑容，卻在秀彬深邃的目光下瑟縮了。

“Wow, this kiss sure feels different. Not a contact of lips could be spotted,” he deadpanned.
「哇，這個吻感覺真不一樣。連嘴唇碰觸都看不到呢。」他面無表情地說道。

Soobin rolled his eyes at that, but he didn’t bite into the challenge. 
秀彬對此翻了個白眼，但沒有接下這個挑釁。

He seemed to know what he was doing, including what it evoked from Beomgyu, the moment he nudged the younger’s thighs apart and inched closer. Suddenly, the room started to be stripped of its oxygen source and Beomgyu felt lightheaded when he felt the heat of Soobin’s chest against his.
他似乎很清楚自己在做什麼，包括當他分開范奎的雙腿並緩緩靠近時，這舉動會激起范奎什麼反應。突然間，房間裡的氧氣彷彿被抽乾，當秀彬熾熱的胸膛貼上來時，范奎感到一陣暈眩。

He tried to not show any sign of intimidation, although his body betrayed him as he squirmed under the slide of Soobin’s hands on his waist. One of Soobin’s hands settled on the small of his back, keeping him locked in the position, and the other one started trailing up his side. So, so slowly that Beomgyu forgot to breathe.
他試圖不表現出任何畏懼的跡象，儘管當秀彬的手在他腰際游移時，他扭動的身軀已背叛了自己。秀彬一隻手固定在他後腰，將他鎖在原地，另一隻手則開始沿著他身側緩緩上移。那動作如此、如此緩慢，讓范奎忘了呼吸。

“You’re such a brat,” Soobin’s words caressed the side of his face, hot breath against his earlobe and making it grow red under the attention. “Can you even handle this, Beomgyu yah?”
「你真是個小混蛋。」修彬的話語輕撫過他的臉頰，溫熱的氣息噴在他的耳垂上，讓那處肌膚在這樣的關注下逐漸泛紅。「你能承受得了嗎，範奎呀？」

“Shut up. You’re not even kissing me,” he growled, pawing against Soobin’s chest as he shied away from the heat of his breath.
「閉嘴。你根本沒在親我。」他低吼著，一邊用手抵著秀彬的胸口，一邊躲避對方熾熱的呼吸。

He didn’t like how it got under his skin, spreading all over his system and settled deep inside his stomach. He couldn’t put a name into this burning sensation, but it only grew as he could feel Soobin’s wet lips on his skin.
他不喜歡這種感覺在體內蔓延，深入胃底紮根。他無法為這股灼熱感命名，但當秀彬濕潤的唇瓣貼上肌膚時，這感覺只會愈發強烈。

His skin felt too sensitive. Soobin, that little shit, must have done something to him. There was no other explanation to how he was left totally breathless, panting and sweating by the time Soobin’s lips stopped with the kisses, mouthing a little too long on his throat, and suckling gently on the skin by his pulse point.
他的皮膚敏感得過分。秀彬那個小混蛋肯定對他做了什麼。否則無法解釋為何當秀彬的唇終於停止親吻，卻仍在他喉間流連太久，還輕輕吮吸脈搏處的肌膚時，他會完全喘不過氣，只能急促呼吸且渾身發燙。

“I’m kissing you,” he mumbled against his skin.
「我在親你，」他貼著對方的肌膚低聲呢喃。

“Choi Soobin!”  「崔秀彬！」

The laughter was deep and humiliating, but at least it dragged Beomgyu back from that dangerous zone where he was too close to bursting from the heat. He glared at the other male when Soobin looked up again, a smug smile playing on his lips.
那陣低沉的笑聲帶著羞辱意味，但至少成功將范奎從那個危險邊緣拉回來——他差點就要被體內燥熱給逼瘋了。當秀彬再次抬頭時，范奎惡狠狠地瞪著對方，只見那人嘴角正掛著一抹得意的笑容。

Before Beomgyu could slap it away from Soobin’s annoying face, his wrists are grabbed, held down to his side, and he was finally, finally, being kissed.
還沒等范奎能從秀彬那張煩人的臉上拍開，他的手腕就被抓住，按在身側，終於，終於，被吻上了。

His mouth responded to Soobin’s like he hadn't been kissed for years. The heightened senses from being teased for what felt like forever caused him to grow overheated, oversensitive to the taste of Soobin’s lips against his own. The usual gentleness of Soobin’s plush lips was replaced by something akin to hunger, and it stirred something in Beomgyu’s chest, to know that Soobin was just as impatient for this.
他的唇回應著秀彬，彷彿多年未曾被親吻。被挑逗許久的敏感神經讓他渾身發燙，對秀彬唇瓣的觸感過分敏銳。秀彬那慣常柔軟的唇瓣此刻帶著近乎飢渴的力道，這認知在范奎胸口掀起波瀾——原來秀彬也同樣迫不及待。

The warm hand was back to cradling his face, thumb coaxing his lips to part, and fuck.
那隻溫暖的手再次捧住他的臉，拇指誘哄著他分開雙唇，該死。

If he thought that he had tasted Soobin when they kissed before, he was mistaken. The previous kisses didn’t provide him with the sensation of having Soobin’s tongue sneaking into his mouth and invading his taste buds. He had never been kissed like this before. Not with the demanding pressure of lips or the slide of tongue against his own that coaxed a soft noise to form from his throat.
若以為先前的親吻已嘗過秀彬的滋味，那可就錯了。過往的親吻從未讓他有過秀彬的舌頭溜進口腔、侵佔味蕾的體驗。他從未被這樣親吻過——沒有這般強勢的唇壓，也沒有這般纏綿的舌間交纏，惹得他喉間溢出細碎呻吟。

He didn’t register it until later, as Soobin withdrew from the kiss, leaving him dazed and breathless. His face was filled with heat he thought he might pass out, but the thing that made him want to jump off the building was the thin sheen of saliva connecting their lips.
直到稍後他才意識到這件事，當秀彬從這個吻中抽身時，他仍感到暈眩且喘不過氣。他的臉熱得像是要昏過去，但真正讓他恨不得跳樓的，是兩人唇間牽連的那抹銀絲。

What the fuck.  搞什麼鬼。

And Soobin had the audacity to smile like he didn’t just drive the younger so close into the gate of heavens a moment ago, smiling with his usual oh-so-sweet gait, complete with a set of dimples.
而秀彬竟還有臉笑得那麼燦爛，彷彿剛才把弟弟逼到天堂門口的不是他一樣，依舊掛著那副該死的甜蜜笑容，連酒窩都一覽無遺。

“Cute,” he said, squeezing Beomgyu’s hips.
「真可愛。」他說著，捏了捏范奎的腰。

Beomgyu was so gone.  范奎已經完全淪陷了。

//

Nobody dared to address the kiss after that.
在那之後，沒有人敢提起那個吻。

It remained as an elephant in the room, which was bad, because their shared bedroom was small and they couldn’t afford something as big and suffocating as that.
這就像房間裡的大象一樣被刻意忽略，這很糟糕，因為他們共用的臥室很小，根本容不下如此巨大又令人窒息的東西。

Beomgyu couldn’t even ask for a kiss for a while, unable to settle for quick pecks or sweet chaste kisses Soobin had to offer for him. How could he, when all he could think about when looking at Soobin’s lips was having Soobin’s tongue in his mouth?
范奎甚至有好一陣子不敢索吻，無法滿足於秀彬偶爾施捨的輕啄或純潔甜吻。每當看著秀彬的嘴唇，他腦中只想著要讓秀彬的舌頭探進自己嘴裡——這種情況下，他怎麼可能滿足於那些淺嘗輒止的吻呢？

Another thing he hated was that he couldn’t function without the kisses anymore. Despite saying that they were starting to get boring, it felt wrong not to come up to his leader with his lips puckered up, and having the said leader press a kiss to your lips without him expecting it. It’s the attention. The sense of being wanted.
另一件他討厭的事是，他已經離不開這些親吻了。儘管嘴上說著開始覺得無聊，但若不嘟著嘴湊到隊長面前，或是沒能讓隊長出乎意料地在他唇上印下一吻，就感覺渾身不對勁。這全是因為那份關注——那種被需要的感覺。

It was only intensified by his own desire, and it was just a matter of time that he snapped.
這份渴望只會愈發強烈，而他崩潰只是遲早的事。

Soobin didn’t seem surprised when he was woken up that one night, with Beomgyu sitting on top of him, straddling his waist, and hovering in the dark as if he was waiting to pounce. At least his flushed cheeks and red ears wouldn’t be too apparent with the dim lighting of the room, and he would have to squint to see the annoying smirk on Soobin’s face when he finally roused.
所以當那個夜晚被吵醒時，范奎跨坐在他身上、在黑暗中居高臨下地盯著他，彷彿隨時準備撲上來，秀彬似乎一點也不驚訝。至少房間昏暗的燈光能遮掩他發燙的臉頰和通紅的耳朵，而當秀彬終於醒來時，他還得瞇起眼睛才能看清對方臉上那抹惱人的壞笑。

“Is there something you wanted, princess?” Soobin asked, voice deep from his slumber. It only made Beomgyu feel more lightheaded, hot under the sweater he was wearing to sleep.
「公主，妳想要什麼嗎？」秀彬問道，聲音因剛睡醒而低沉。這只讓范奎更加頭暈目眩，穿著睡覺的毛衣下感到一陣燥熱。

“You haven’t kissed me in a while and… and…” he trailed off momentarily when he felt a touch of Soobin’s hand on his thigh, fingers teasing along the hem of his shorts that was ridden up the length of his thighs. He felt exposed. He wanted to be exposed. “I can’t stop thinking about the kiss from back then in the studio. What have you done to me?”
「你很久沒親我了，而且...而且...」當秀彬的手輕觸他的大腿，指尖在他因短褲上捲而裸露的腿根處游移時，范奎的話語戛然而止。他感覺自己無所遁形，卻又渴望這般赤裸。「我滿腦子都是之前在工作室的那個吻，你究竟對我下了什麼魔咒？」

“What do you mean?” Soobin asked, looking so calm and composed, while Beomgyu was about to lose his mind. What a menace.
「什麼意思？」秀彬故作鎮定地問道，此刻范奎卻幾乎要瘋掉了。這傢伙真是個禍害。

“When you kissed me in the studio, it’s different from usual, and I felt so hot in a way I’ve never felt with someone before. I wanted more of that.”
「你在工作室吻我的方式和平常不同，那種炙熱感是我從未體驗過的。我想要更多...更多那樣的吻。」

“That?”  「那個？」

Beomgyu felt tears pricking his eyes. This was so humiliating, yet he still couldn’t stop the heat from brewing in his guts from the way Soobin was touching his thighs. He knew this was a bad decision since Soobin agreed for kisses, and he was tempted by the forbidden apple.
范奎感到眼眶泛淚。這實在太羞恥了，但隨著秀彬撫摸他大腿的動作，他仍無法抑制體內升騰的熱度。他早知道這是個糟糕的決定——從秀彬同意接吻那刻起，他就已被禁果誘惑。

As if reading his mind, Soobin caught him before he could climb off of the elder and rush back to his bed. It only took a blink of eyes, and Beomgyu found himself pressed down into the bed, unable to move under the weight of Soobin’s body atop of his.
彷彿讀懂了他的心思，秀彬在他還來不及從年長者身上爬下來衝回自己床鋪前就抓住了他。僅僅一眨眼的功夫，范奎就發現自己被壓制在床上，在秀彬覆蓋上來的體重下動彈不得。

“Fuck off. You’re going to laugh at me,” he wheezed, covering his face with his fists.
「滾開。你一定會笑我，」他氣喘吁吁地說，用拳頭遮住了臉。

The touch to his hands was gentle when they were pried away from his face, yet the grips on his wrists were a firm one the moment his hands were pinned down above his head. His heart was pounding so hard against his rib cages, and the same pulsing heat was also present in his groin, stirring in the way that made him squirm, trying to close his legs only to have his thighs squeeze against Soobin’s waists.
當他的雙手被從臉上扳開時，觸碰是輕柔的，但當他的手腕被固定到頭頂上方時，那握力卻變得堅定。他的心臟在胸腔裡劇烈跳動，同樣的脈動熱度也出現在他的胯下，那種騷動讓他忍不住扭動身子，試圖夾緊雙腿卻只讓大腿擠壓到秀彬的腰際。

“You need to say it,” Soobin said, closing the distance of their face. He was hyperaware of the slight movement, one that aligned their bodies properly, making them fit together like puzzle pieces and.
「你得說出來，」秀彬說著拉近兩人的臉龐距離。他異常敏銳地察覺到那個細微動作——讓兩人身體完美對齊，像拼圖般緊密貼合。

Oh.  噢。

The heat was unlike anything he ever felt before when Soobin ground his hips down. He had touched himself before, did it too much at one point that he couldn’t derive pleasure from it anymore. But this one was exquisite, bringing desperate tears into his eyes.
當秀彬將臀部往下壓時，那股熱度是他從未感受過的。他以前也曾自慰過，甚至一度過度到無法再從中獲得快感。但這次的感覺如此美妙，讓他眼中湧出渴望的淚水。

“Please, hyung…”  「求你了，哥...」

“You need to say it, Beomgyu-yah,” Soobin kept his gaze at him, eyes dark and lidded. “This isn’t just kissing anymore, and I need to know if you’re aware of what you’re getting into.
「你得說出來，范奎啊。」秀彬緊盯著他，眼神深邃而低垂。「這已經不只是親吻了，我需要知道你明白自己正在踏入什麼境地。」

Beomgyu shook as a sob went through his body. He had never wanted something quite this much, and Soobin was dangling it right in front of his face. He just needed to bite it.
范奎渾身顫抖著抽泣。他從未如此渴望過某件事，而秀彬就這樣將它懸在他面前。他只需要咬住它。

“I want to have sex with you,” he said softly, and Soobin kissed him so hard he forgot his own name.
「我想跟你做愛。」他輕聲說道，於是秀彬吻得他連自己的名字都忘了。

//

What Beomgyu could remember from their first time having sex was the awkwardness. The bed was too small and the room was too hot. Not to mention that the wall right next to the bed was separating their room and Yeonjun’s. Soobin had to slap his hand over Beomgyu’s mouth when he would get too loud.
范奎對他們第一次做愛的記憶只有尷尬。床太小，房間太熱。更別說床旁邊的牆壁就隔著他們和然竣的房間。所以當范奎叫得太大聲時，秀彬不得不摀住他的嘴。

They had laughed it off the next day, agreeing that it was so bad and clumsy, and agreed to perfect it next time they tried again.
隔天他們笑著把這件事帶過，一致認為那實在太糟又笨拙，並約定下次再試時要做得更好。

It stayed tucked in the back of his memory until that night he stayed up the whole night thinking of what Taehyun said to him. He wondered what the younger would offer to the conversation if he was aware that Beomgyu had been sleeping with Soobin, too.
這件事一直藏在他記憶深處，直到那晚他徹夜未眠想著泰賢對他說的話。他好奇如果對方知道他跟秀彬也上過床，會對這段對話提出什麼看法。

Because even Beomgyu, with half a braincell left in his head from sharing it with his best friend, knew that this was bad . Friends do not kiss each other platonically and they definitely do not have sex periodically.
因為就連腦袋裡只剩半個腦細胞（另一半還得分給死黨）的範奎都知道，這情況糟透了。朋友之間不會柏拉圖式地接吻，更不會定期上床。

Maybe some did, but Beomgyu was also sure that it would be different from the sex that he knew.
或許有些人會這樣，但範奎也確信那絕對跟他所經歷的性愛不一樣。

What he had forgotten from his first time having sex with Soobin was the tenderness. It was not just awkward limbs and laughter, but there were also moments where it felt too intimate, too personal that Beomgyu’s heart jumped all over the place, reacting to the way Soobin’s lips traced the places he didn’t know was so sensitive before (no one ever kissed the inside of his thigh before, no one.)
他第一次與秀彬發生關係時所遺忘的，是那份溫柔。那不僅僅是笨拙的肢體與笑聲，還有那些過於親密、過於私密的時刻，讓範奎的心臟四處亂跳——當秀彬的唇瓣輕撫過那些他從不知道如此敏感的部位時（從來沒有人親吻過他的大腿內側，從來沒有）。

He had forgotten the way Soobin gazed at him so fondly when he opened him up with those pretty fingers of his, had been so patient despite his complaints and bites on his shoulder when it hurt. He had forgotten the delicious stretch when he was fucked for the first time, how Soobin had kissed the tears away from the corner of his eyes, and swallowed a particular loud yelp from his mouth when he came.
他已經忘記了秀彬用那雙漂亮的手指打開他時，那充滿愛意的凝視，儘管他抱怨連連、疼痛時咬著秀彬的肩膀，對方依然如此耐心。他忘記了第一次被進入時那美妙的擴張感，秀彬如何吻去他眼角的淚水，以及在他高潮時吞下那一聲特別響亮的嗚咽。

And how they had laughed together in the aftermath, with Soobin kissing him so lovingly afterwards, that Beomgyu felt so full and loved.
而他們在事後一起大笑，秀彬隨後如此深情地吻了他，讓杋圭感到無比滿足與被愛。

At that time, he brushed it off as something normal. Sex does that to people and that included him and his overexcited mind that night. Only now that he started seeing it through Taehyun’s lenses, trying to find the line between having sex as friends and lovers.
當時他只當這是稀鬆平常的事。性愛就是會讓人這樣，包括那晚過度興奮的他與他的腦袋。直到現在透過泰賢的視角來看，他才試圖找出朋友間做愛與戀人間做愛的分界線。

Only now that he figured out that there was no line to begin with.
直到現在他才明白，從一開始就沒有這條界線。

He was so fucked.
他真是完蛋了。

//

This thought that started as an innocent statement had flourished under Beomgyu’s overthinking tendency.
這個最初單純的念頭，在范奎過度思考的傾向下逐漸滋長。

It was not helping that he couldn’t remove himself from the routines.
更糟的是，他無法從日常慣例中抽身。

One time he set a resolution that maybe he would stop agonizing so much about it if he stopped kissing Soobin so much. He went to work happy because hey, maybe it wouldn’t be so hard, only to blink and somehow skipped the day away as he found himself standing naked under the company building’s shower, with the source of his problem staring down at him.
有次他下定決心，或許減少親吻秀彬的次數就能停止為此苦惱。他滿懷希望去上班，心想這應該不難吧，結果一眨眼就莫名其妙地度過了一天，當他回過神時，發現自己正赤身裸體站在公司大樓的淋浴間裡，而困擾的源頭正居高臨下地盯著他。

“What’s on your mind?” Soobin asked, eyes searching all over Beomgyu’s face now that he was no longer in daze.
「你在想什麼？」秀彬問道，目光在不再恍惚的範奎臉上來回搜尋。

“Just trying to remember how we ended up fucking in the gym. I was working out so hard and suddenly I’m here.”
「只是想回憶我們怎麼會在健身房搞起來。我明明練得那麼認真，突然就變成這樣了。」

There was a scoff from the elder, and a hand that crept down his back to pinch at his butt. His yelp only drew a bigger smile on Soobin’s lips. How he wanted to kiss it away. “You’re not in place to be complaining when you were the one who got on your knees first.”
年長者輕嗤一聲，一隻手悄悄滑下他的背脊，捏了捏他的臀部。那聲驚叫只讓秀彬嘴角的笑意更深。他多想用親吻抹去那聲驚呼。「明明是你先跪下的，沒資格抱怨吧。」

Right. That happened.  沒錯。事情就是這樣。

It was just the problem he couldn’t fix, that every time he conditioned his mind to do something, Beomgyu was compelled to do the other way around instead.
這正是他無法解決的問題——每當他試圖說服自己去做某件事時，炳奎反而會不由自主地反其道而行。

That was why the more he told himself to stop thinking, he ended up thinking about it more. It had gotten particularly hard not to think about it when Soobin handled him in the way he shouldn’t. The manhandling was acceptable, so did the bruising grip on his hips that would leave a ghost of Soobin’s fingers on his skin for days on its wake.
這就是為什麼他越是告誡自己不要想，腦海中的念頭就越發猖獗。尤其當秀彬用不該有的方式對待他時，那些念頭更如附骨之疽。粗暴的對待尚可接受，連同那雙在腰際留下瘀青的掌印也無妨，那些指痕會像幽靈般在他皮膚上盤桓數日。

What went into the unacceptable category were the gentle touches and kisses under the warm shower water. He was not even obligated to stay with Beomgyu after giving him that mind blowing orgasm on the gym’s mattress moments ago, let alone take care of him and clean him up, making them the only two people left in the company past midnight.
那些輕柔的觸碰與溫暖水流下的親吻，全都被歸類在「不可接受」的範疇。他明明沒有義務在健身房墊子上讓範奎達到那次神魂顛頂的高潮後還留下來陪他，更別說照顧他、幫他清理乾淨，讓兩人成為公司裡唯二熬過午夜還未離開的人。

“Soobin-ah, do you do this to everyone else? Is this just some kind of bros being bros thing?” he blurted out his question after a momentary daze of watching the elder’s hands sliding down his wet body, cleaning off the soap suds. He hated how Soobin only had to work out a little to have all these prominent lines of muscles forming on his body.
「Soobin 啊，你對其他人也會這樣嗎？還是這只是兄弟間的那種互動？」他愣愣地看著對方的手滑過自己濕漉漉的身體，抹去肥皂泡沫時，突然脫口問道。他討厭 Soobin 只要稍微鍛鍊一下，身上就會浮現這些明顯的肌肉線條。

The question caught the leader by surprise first, and then his initial response was to sport that annoying smirk on his face.
這個問題先是讓隊長愣了一下，接著他第一反應就是露出那副欠揍的痞笑。

“Bros, huh? As expected from someone who can’t call me hyung without cumming.”
「兄弟是吧？果然是個不射出來就沒辦法叫我哥的傢伙。」

Heat exploded on Beomgyu’s face immediately. His mouth opened and closed, trying to articulate a proper curse word as a comeback. He ended up doing what he did best: attacking Soobin by climbing him, his teeth clamped down his shoulder, hard enough that a print of his teeth shape marked the flawless skin.
Beomgyu 的臉瞬間炸紅。他嘴巴開開合合，試圖擠出像樣的髒話回擊，最後還是做了他最擅長的事——整個人攀上 Soobin 發動攻擊，牙齒狠狠咬住對方肩膀，用力到在那完美無瑕的肌膚上留下清晰的齒痕。

“Stop it! Are you a dog?”
「住手！你是狗嗎？」

“You’re so annoying!”  「你真的很煩耶！」

He only loosened his bite once he felt his back hit the cold tiles of the shower. The warm water still cascaded down their frames, while Beomgyu got comfortable in the position, legs wrapped around Soobin’s waist for support. So much for saving water by showering together.
直到背部撞上淋浴間冰冷的磁磚，他才鬆開咬住的力道。溫熱的水流仍不斷沖刷著兩人的身軀，此刻範奎已調整好姿勢，雙腿環繞著秀彬的腰際作為支撐。說什麼一起洗澡省水，根本是騙人的。

“It’s a you and I thing, you know?” Soobin said when they calmed down again, coaxing Beomgyu to look at him again, which was a bad move for the latter because this way, he witnessed the elder’s softening gaze in real time. “I don’t do this with anyone else.”
「這是只屬於我們兩個的事，懂嗎？」當兩人再度平靜下來時，秀彬輕聲說道，同時哄著範奎再次看向自己——這對後者而言真是個糟糕的決定，因為這樣一來，他就能即時目睹哥哥逐漸柔化的眼神。「我從沒跟別人這樣做過。」

What was this? Beomgyu couldn’t even remember what he asked at this point.
這到底是什麼情況？範奎此刻甚至想不起自己剛才問了什麼。

The only thing he knew was the surge of relief that went through him at the confirmation. It was laced with a feeling that tasted alien and new to his tongue; the drop of possessiveness that interrupted the calm ripples of water, turning it into an avalanche.
唯一能確定的是，一股如釋重負的浪潮瞬間席捲了他。這感覺夾雜著某種陌生而新奇的滋味；那抹佔有慾如同打破平靜水面的漣漪，最終引發了排山倒海般的悸動。

“Only with me, huh? Is it because I’m that drama free for you?”
「只對我這樣？是因為跟我相處最輕鬆嗎？」

“Maybe. Or maybe it’s just because of you.”
「或許吧。又或許...單純只是因為是你。」

His eyes were glazed off when they found Soobin’s again, and he couldn’t recognize his voice when he spoke again. A breathy “hyung” in his low, dragged voice. He watched as Soobin’s eyes darkened in response, as his hold on Beomgyu’s hips tightened.
當他再次對上秀彬的視線時，眼神已變得迷濛。連自己再度開口時的聲音都顯得陌生——那聲帶著氣音的「哥」從他低啞的喉間緩緩溢出。他看著秀彬的眼神因這句話轉暗，摟在他腰間的手也收得更緊。

This was how Soobin always held him, making him feel so safe and wanted . He held Beomgyu to make sure he wouldn’t fall, but he didn’t know that Beomgyu had already fallen for him ever since the first time he got held like this.
秀彬總是這樣抱著他，讓他感到無比安心與被珍視。他抱著范奎是為了確保他不會跌倒，卻不知道范奎從第一次被這樣擁抱時，就已經為他傾心。

He wanted to believe it’s not that he couldn’t say ‘hyung’ without cumming, it’s Soobin who lost his mind whenever Beomgyu addressed him as such.
他寧願相信不是自己一喊「哥」就會高潮，而是秀彬每次聽到范奎這樣稱呼他時就會失去理智。

“Let me clean you up,” Soobin said softly, mouth finding his throat and leaving a scorching mark there in contrast to the cooling water from the shower.
「讓我幫你清理。」秀彬輕聲說道，嘴唇尋到他的頸項，在淋浴的涼水對比下烙下炙熱的印記。

Beomgyu’s moans vibrated against Soobin’s mouth the moment he felt a pair of fingers slid inside him.
當范奎感覺到有兩根手指滑入體內時，他的呻吟聲直接在秀彬的唇邊震顫開來。

If only getting Soobin out of his mind was as easy as getting the remnants of cum down the shower drain, Beomgyu wouldn’t be trapped in this love problem.
要是能把秀彬從腦海中趕走，像沖掉精液殘留一樣簡單，范奎就不會被困在這個愛情難題裡了。

//

Beomgyu’s Naver search history that night:
那晚 Beomgyu 的 Naver 搜尋紀錄：

Platonic kissing with your best friend is normal
和死黨柏拉圖式接吻很正常吧

Friends with benefits?   砲友關係？

Aftercare for your friends with benefits?
砲友事後該怎麼照顧？

How do you know that you’ve fallen in love with your friends with benefits
你怎麼知道自己愛上了砲友

//

“I got it!”  「我懂了！」

Kai jerked up from where he was sitting next to the formerly asleep Beomgyu, who was fully awake without any warning.
Kai 從原本坐在熟睡的 Beomgyu 身旁的位置猛然彈起，而 Beomgyu 已經毫無預警地完全清醒了。

“What’s the matter, hyung?” Kai, the poor boy, just had to ask. Now he had to be the victim of Beomgyu’s unsolicited rant about his newfound resolution about his friends with benefits problem. Sometimes he thought he was a genius and it would be a crime to hide that fact from the world.
「怎麼了，哥？」可憐的 Kai 偏偏要開口問。現在他得承受 Beomgyu 關於「朋友以上」問題的新決心所引發的即興長篇大論。有時候 Beomgyu 覺得自己是個天才，而隱瞞這個事實簡直是對世界的犯罪。

“Okay, imagine this. There is something that is potentially bad for you, but you’ve been consuming it for a while and you know it would make you sad if you stop. But what if you just, don’t find out if it’s actually bad or not?”
「好吧，想像一下。有樣東西可能對你有害，但你已經使用了一陣子，而且你知道停止使用會讓你難過。但如果你就...不去確認它到底有沒有害呢？」

“Uhm… are you sure that will cancel the bad?”
「呃...你確定這樣就能消除壞處嗎？」

“Well, no, but it cancels the anxiety that comes every time you eat the bad stuff. What if you just enjoy it while it lasts? We’re going to die in the end anyway.”
「呃，也不是啦，但這樣就能抵消每次吃垃圾食物時的罪惡感啊。何不趁還能享受的時候好好享受呢？反正我們最後都會死掉。」

This conclusion seemed so sound then, that no amount of judging or worried look from Kai wouldn’t bring his spirit down.
這個結論在當時聽起來如此合理，以至於無論凱伊投來多少批判的眼神或擔憂的表情，都無法澆熄他的興致。

Because Beomgyu knew that no matter what he did, he was going to fall for his best friend anyway. He already fell for Choi Soobin. Unknowingly, unconditionally, and unstoppably.
因為范奎知道，無論他做什麼，他終究會愛上他最好的朋友。他早已為崔秀彬傾心。不知不覺、毫無條件、無法自拔地。

Might as well enjoy it while it lasted.
既然如此，何不好好享受這段時光。

//

The thing about eating something that could potentially be bad for your health, you couldn’t condition the toxin to not affect your body no matter how much willpower you channelled to it. Beomgyu’s conclusion worked to soothe his mind. It assured him that it was okay. There was nothing wrong with catching feelings for your best friend.
關於吃下可能有害健康的東西這件事，無論你投入多少意志力，都無法讓毒素不影響你的身體。范奎的這個結論讓他心靈獲得撫慰。這讓他確信沒關係的，對自己最好的朋友產生感情並沒有什麼錯。

Even if the best friend in question had made it clear that he hated drama.
即使那位摯友早已明確表示厭惡戲劇化的情節。

It was especially hard for Beomgyu because he was not a quiet person. He might be quiet at times, but his feelings were vocal. They knocked on the door of his chest, demanding to be heard. They surged up his throat, shaping up a sentence without his brain’s permissions.
對范奎來說這尤其困難，因為他本就不是安靜的人。或許有時他會沉默，但他的情感總是喧嘩。它們敲擊著他胸膛的門扉，要求被傾聽。它們湧上喉頭，未經大腦允許就擅自形成句子。

Beomgyu should’ve seen it coming, that one day this feeling he kept in the back of his heart would creep up on him and strike him when he least expected it.
范奎早該預見這一天——那份被他深藏心底的情感，會在他最不設防時悄然襲來。

Nights like this when he couldn’t feel Soobin’s presence on the lower bunk was the worst for Beomgyu, not to mention that the elder had been spending more time playing game in the living room. The phrase 'distance made the heart grow fonder' was a total scam, since the urge to choke the leader or locking him out for the rest of the night was growing stronger with every second that passed. How dare Soobin avoid being in the same room with him just to focus on his game?
像這樣感受不到下鋪玟準存在的夜晚對范奎來說最難熬，更別說這位哥哥最近總是在客廳打遊戲。「距離產生美」根本就是騙人的鬼話，因為隨著時間一分一秒過去，他越來越想掐死隊長或是把他鎖在門外一整晚。玟準怎麼敢為了專心打遊戲就躲著不跟他同處一室？

Naturally, Beomgyu went to confront him.
於是范奎理所當然地去找他對質了。

“It’s 2AM,” he said, settling down on the sofa right behind Soobin who was sitting on the floor. He could see the game was still going on. That damned shooting game that Soobin wouldn’t stop playing these days.
「現在凌晨兩點了。」他在盤腿坐在地板上的玟準身後沙發坐下，螢幕上該死的射擊遊戲還在進行——就是玟準這幾天玩到停不下來的那款。

“Huh? I lost track of time,” came the curt answer, distractedly. “I’ll finish in a bit and go to bed.”
「嗯？沒注意時間。」玟準心不在焉地簡短回應，「再一下就好，打完就去睡。」

“I got bored being in the room alone, I was thinking of cumming on your pillow.”
「我一個人在房間裡太無聊了，想著要在你的枕頭上射精。」

The elder snorted. “You’re that needy?”
年長者哼了一聲。「你就這麼飢渴？」

“Nope, just wanted to spite you,” he smiled, coursing his fingers through Soobin’s hair as he stared at the newly dyed black locks. “Besides, you’d look pretty with cum in your hair.”
「才不是，只是想氣你而已，」他笑著，手指穿過秀彬新染的黑色髮絲。「而且你頭髮沾到精液的樣子會很性感。」

Momentarily, Soobin tore his attention from his screen just to tip his head back, looking at him upside down before pulling him down for a quick kiss on the lips. It must mean nothing to him. Something playful that managed to make Beomgyu’s heart forget to beat for a second.
秀彬暫時將注意力從螢幕上移開，只是向後仰頭，倒著看向他，然後把他拉下來快速親了一下嘴唇。這對他來說一定不算什麼。只是個讓範奎心跳漏了一拍的玩笑舉動。

“You’re so in love with me.”
「你超愛我的。」

Beomgyu returned the smile with a sweet one of his own. “Fuck off.”
範奎回以一個甜蜜的微笑。「去你的。」

The laughter was rewarding when the elder turned his attention back to his game, fingers clicking on the keyboard rapidly. It just got louder in Beomgyu’s ears, and every second of it made him fume under his skin for no reasons.
當年長者將注意力轉回遊戲上，手指飛快敲擊鍵盤時，那笑聲對範奎來說格外刺耳。那笑聲在他耳中愈發響亮，每一秒都讓他無名火起。

Being a good hyung he was, Soobin let him squeeze himself on the spot between him and the table. Beomgyu sat down on his lap, straddling his hips and inching closer so that there was no space left between them. He tucked his face in the crook of Soobin’s neck, mouthing against his skin.
身為一個好哥哥，秀彬讓他擠進自己和桌子之間的空隙。範奎跨坐在他大腿上，挪動身體直到兩人之間毫無縫隙。他把臉埋進秀彬的頸窩，用嘴唇輕蹭著他的肌膚。

“I’ll make you lose.”  「我會讓你輸掉比賽。」

A scoff sounded from somewhere above his ear, then Soobin’s frame shook a little as he laughed. “You saw that I was already winning, right? Just admit that you’re just horny, Choi Beomgyu.”
一聲嗤笑從他耳邊上方傳來，接著秀彬的身子因為發笑而微微顫動。「你明明看到我已經要贏了，對吧？就承認你只是慾火焚身而已，崔杋圭。」

He scoffed. “Like the sex was that good. You’re 8 out of 10 at most.”
他不屑地哼了一聲。「好像那場性愛有多棒似的。你頂多就八分吧。」

“Uncalled for,” he growled playfully, though the sound that vibrated in his chest almost made Beomgyu shrink from intimidation.
「這可不在預料之中啊，」他半開玩笑地低吼著，但那從胸腔震出的聲響幾乎讓范奎因畏懼而退縮。

Suddenly, he was hyperaware of everything. The heat of Soobin’s body against him, the movement of his chest rising and falling, the way his legs were parted on either sides of the elder’s waist, the position of his ass; how easy it would be for him to grind down and have Soobin hard against him within seconds.
突然間，他對所有細節都異常敏感。秀彬貼著他的體溫、胸膛起伏的律動、自己雙腿分開跨坐在對方腰際的姿勢，還有臀部的位置——只要輕輕往下磨蹭，不出幾秒就能讓秀彬硬挺地抵著他。

That was something he was confident for and relished, the fact that he had that effect on Soobin.
這點他可是信心滿滿且樂在其中，畢竟自己就是能對秀彬產生這種影響。

“8/10 is too mean, baby,” Soobin spoke up again after the dragged silence, and it would’ve made Beomgyu laugh – the fact that he was still thinking about the rating, if only he wasn’t too occupied with screaming mentally about that nickname.
「8 分太苛刻了，寶貝。」在漫長的沉默後秀彬再次開口，要不是范奎正忙著在內心尖叫那個親暱稱呼，對方還在糾結評分這件事本來會讓他笑出來。

He didn’t even notice that the game had ended, and that the laptop was already pushed aside. Soobin’s attention was fully on him now, the warm hands sending more of the fire through his shirt, sliding along the back of his waist as his usual declaration of affection, before it disappeared into his pants.
他甚至沒注意到遊戲已經結束，筆電也被推到一旁。此刻秀彬的注意力全在他身上，那雙溫暖的手透過他的襯衫傳遞更多熱度，像往常表達愛意時那樣滑過他的後腰，接著便探入了他的褲子裡。

“Let’s see if you’d give me more with my hand on your dick.”
「來看看我這樣碰你，你會不會更興奮。」

Choi Soobin could be so mean when he wanted to. This was the prime example, the way his hand enveloped Beomgyu’s length, pumping erratically for a few moments until Beomgyu was wheezing and going all tense, only to stop and let him wind down. He was put on edge several times, muffling his whine and curses against the elder’s skin while the menace was laughing right next to his ear.
崔秀彬想使壞的時候可真是夠狠的。此刻就是最佳例證——他的手包覆著范奎的性器，胡亂擼動幾下直到范奎喘不過氣、全身緊繃，卻又突然停手讓他慢慢冷靜。如此反覆數次，范奎只能把嗚咽與咒罵悶在年長者的肌膚上，而那個惡劣的傢伙正貼在他耳邊輕笑。

“Change your rating if you wanna cum, baby. I’d even fuck you afterwards so your ass won’t be sad anymore.”
「想射就改評分啊，寶貝。我之後還會幹你，這樣你的小屁股就不會難過了。」

“Shut the fuck up,” he groaned. The heat coursing inside him was intensified by shame.
「閉嘴啦，」他呻吟道。羞恥感讓體內的燥熱更加強烈。

And then it snapped. He went limp against the elder that Soobin grew alert for a moment, holding securely around his waist. Beomgyu clawed on Soobin’s hand, taking it off him so he could think for a second. A moment so precious for him to get ahold of his mind, long enough to string up his words into a sentence.
然後那根弦突然斷了。他整個人癱軟在年長者身上，讓秀彬瞬間警覺起來，緊緊環住他的腰。范奎抓著秀彬的手掙脫開來，好讓自己能思考片刻。這珍貴的片刻讓他終於能理清思緒，足夠組織出一句完整的話。

“Do you want to know how to make it 10/10?”
「你想知道怎麼讓它變成滿分十分嗎？」

Soobin’s eyebrows shot up in interest as he gave a squeeze to Beomgyu’s thigh. “Tell me.”
秀彬挑起眉毛，饒有興致地捏了捏范奎的大腿。「說來聽聽。」

“Fuck me on that table, hold me down, and never stop even if I beg you to.”
「在那張桌子上幹我，壓制住我，就算我求你也別停。」

Honestly, what was he thinking?
老實說，他到底在想什麼？

He must be in some kind of daze the whole time, because there was no way he would agree to be stripped down in the middle of their dorm’s living room, exposed to anyone who might be unlucky enough to come out of their bedrooms in the middle of the night.
他肯定整晚都處於某種恍惚狀態，否則怎麼可能同意在宿舍客廳中央被扒光，暴露在任何不幸在半夜走出房門的人面前。

The next thing he knew, he was bent down over the glass table. Cold glass pressed against his swollen nipples, forehead knocking against it with a thud on it as he felt his thighs got nudged apart. And then he felt the head of Soobin’s cock pressing against his opening, a small warning that came right before the whole thing slid inside him, stretching his tight hole around the thick girth.
下一秒，他已經被按在玻璃桌上。冰冷的玻璃緊貼著他腫脹的乳頭，額頭重重撞上桌面發出悶響，同時他感覺自己的大腿被分開。接著，他感受到秀彬的龜頭抵住他的入口，在整根沒入他體內之前，那只是個小小的警告，粗壯的肉刃隨即撐開他緊緻的後穴。

Beomgyu’s mouth fell open in a low groan, which turned into a rather high pitched one when Soobin started fucking him without missing a beat. He was the one who asked for this, yet there was no preparing him for the way Soobin’s weight was pressing him down. Nor did he expect the mouth, hot against his ear and whispering dirty things that he never imagined to materialize in Soobin’s sweet voice.
範奎的嘴張開發出一聲低沉的呻吟，當秀彬毫不遲疑地開始操他時，那呻吟轉變成了相當高亢的叫聲。雖然是他自己要求的，但秀彬的重量壓得他喘不過氣來，這讓他毫無準備。他也沒想到那張嘴會如此熾熱地貼在他耳邊，用他從未想像會從秀彬甜美的嗓音中說出的下流話語低語著。

“Ah, hyung!” he yelped, wasn't expecting the bite.
「啊，哥！」他驚叫出聲，沒預料到會被咬。

He was usually the one who threatened the other with bites and scratches, but this time, Soobin was biting him with a purpose. His face buried into his neck, teeth sinking into the skin and forming various marks down Beomgyu’s neck.
通常他才是那個用咬和抓來威脅對方的人，但這次秀彬咬他是有目的的。他的臉埋在範奎的頸間，牙齒陷入皮膚，在範奎的脖子上留下各種印記。

Eventually, it was too much for Beomgyu. The arousal was surging into him way too quickly, twisting his abdomen in response to the constant stimulation to his prostate and the bites. He thought that he might be too loud, but Soobin made no move to silence him, which only aroused him more. The thought of everyone knowing what they were doing in the living room.
最終，這對範奎來說太過頭了。快感來得太快，由於前列腺不斷受到刺激和被咬，他的腹部緊繃起來。他覺得自己可能叫得太大声了，但秀彬並沒有要讓他安靜下來的意思，這只讓他更加興奮。想到所有人都知道他們在客廳裡做什麼。

If he didn’t know better, he would think that they only riled Soobin up, with how he was only exerting more force into his hips, slamming the smaller male into the side of the table every time his erection sunk inside him.
要是他沒那麼了解狀況，大概會以為他們只是在激怒秀彬，因為秀彬只是更加用力地擺動臀部，每次那硬挺的性器深入時，都把較瘦小的男孩撞向桌邊。

“H-hyung, Soobin hyung,” he whimpered, a little urgent as he could feel his orgasm looming over him, promising him a painful one. “Slow down for a bit! Slow down!” he almost screamed by then.
「秀、秀彬哥，」他嗚咽著，語氣帶著些許急切，因為他能感覺到高潮即將來臨，預示著這將是一次痛苦的釋放。「慢一點！慢一點！」那時他幾乎要尖叫出聲。

What he didn’t expect was that Soobin actually slowed down. The bites turned into soft kisses. Hips grinding against Beomgyu’s ass in a slower pace, more sensual, and more intimate. This made him feel everything more intensely, including his feelings.
他沒料到的是，秀彬真的放慢了速度。啃咬轉為輕柔的親吻。臀部以更緩慢的節奏磨蹭著范奎的臀瓣，更加煽情，也更加親密。這讓他更強烈地感受到一切，包括他的情感。

It drove him over the edge. Beomgyu reached up to grab Soobin’s hair, craning his neck so he could press a kiss to his mouth. It was a messy, desperate kiss, just before his mouth went slack as his orgasm ripped through it.
這將他推向了頂點。范奎伸手抓住秀彬的頭髮，仰起脖子以便能親吻他的唇。那是一個凌亂而絕望的吻，就在他的嘴因高潮襲來而鬆懈之前。

He remembered losing his voice in a silent moan, and the possessive grip tightened around his hips when Soobin fucked him through his sensitivity. He remembered choking on his breaths.
他記得自己在無聲的呻吟中失了聲，當秀彬在他敏感時繼續操他時，那佔有慾十足的握力在他腰間收得更緊。他記得自己幾乎窒息。

Most of all, he remembered when he whispered into Soobin’s mouth. Head clouded by his high.
最重要的是，他記得自己曾對著秀彬的唇低語。腦海因亢奮而一片混沌。

“I love you.”   「我愛你。」

He remembered it all as he laid limp on that table, still shaking from his orgasm as well as Soobin’s cock pounding inside him as he was chasing his own. His eyes were wide open, trying to make sense of what’s happening, and only choking out a last tired groan when he felt Soobin’s release spill inside of him, making him twitch from oversensitivity. 
他渾身癱軟地躺在桌上，仍因高潮而顫抖著，同時秀彬的陰莖在他體內衝刺，追逐著自己的快感。他雙眼圓睜，試圖理解發生了什麼事，當他感受到秀彬在他體內釋放時，只能發出一聲疲憊的最後呻吟，過度敏感讓他抽搐不已。

He had fucked up and confessed in the middle of sex. 
他搞砸了，在性愛中途告白了。

“Was that a ten?” Soobin asked, breathless. 
「那有十分嗎？」秀彬氣喘吁吁地問道。

While pretending not to hear while he was still freaking out mentally, Beomgyu was handled oh so gently to lie on his back. He preened under Soobin’s deep gaze over his naked frame, his thighs closing as he felt a little shy, too exposed. Yet Soobin was the one who pried them apart again, his mouth finding their way along Beomgyu’s inner thighs, cleaning up the mess he made here until the pair of plush lips reached his ass. 
假裝沒聽見，內心還在驚慌失措的范奎被輕柔地放平躺下。在秀彬深邃目光的注視下，他裸露的身軀微微顫抖，雙腿因羞赧而緊閉，感覺太過暴露。然而秀彬卻再次將它們分開，唇瓣沿著范奎大腿內側游移，清理自己留下的痕跡，直到那對豐潤的唇抵達他的臀瓣。

A rather surprised moan escaped Beomgyu’s mouth as he shook through another orgasm. A quicker one this time, expelling a thinner substance from his cock. It was painful. It was exquisite. And he had never seen a prettier sight than the one he caught when he looked down – the sight of Soobin’s face in between his legs, cleaning him up off his own mess. 
範奎的嘴裡發出一聲相當驚訝的呻吟，他在又一次高潮中顫抖著。這次來得更快，從他的陰莖中噴射出較稀薄的液體。這很痛。這很美妙。而當他低頭看時，從未見過比這更美的景象——秀彬的臉就在他雙腿之間，正在清理他自己造成的混亂。

The annoyingly attractive smile on his face didn’t help his case. “I guess that’s a confirmation enough.”
他臉上那副討人厭的迷人笑容簡直是火上加油。「看來這已經夠明顯了。」

Fresh tears formed in Beomgyu’s eyes again, this time for an entirely different reason. 
范奎的眼裡再次湧出淚水，但這次的原因截然不同。

//

Did Soobin hear his confession?
秀彬聽見他的告白了嗎？

He was so close to him when Beomgyu had accidentally let it slip, and his eyes had darkened over with a kind of possessive edge. The same kind was always present on his face when they would play so close to the dangerous grey zone. Those times Beomgyu challenged him to make me yours if you can, dumbass! or the rare occasion where Soobin needed reaffirmation and dragged his foreplay until Beomgyu indulged him and sobbed out You! You’re the only one who can make me feel good. God, can’t you just move?
當范奎不小心說漏嘴時，他離得那麼近，眼神瞬間暗沉下來，帶著某種佔有慾。每當他們遊走在危險灰色地帶邊緣時，他臉上總會浮現這種神情。那些時刻范奎會挑釁地說「有本事就讓我成為你的人啊，笨蛋！」或是偶爾秀彬需要確認心意時，會把前戲拖到范奎終於妥協，啜泣著說「你！只有你能讓我舒服...天啊，你就不能動一下嗎？」

There was a possibility that his accidental confession wasn’t heard, or interpreted the wrong way, but the damage was done. The moment Beomgyu put his feelings into words, in his own voice, it became real. Something palpable instead of a mere fleeting suspicion.
或許他那句無心的告白沒被聽見，或是被誤解了，但傷害已然造成。當范奎親口將感情化為言語的瞬間，一切都變得真實起來。不再是轉瞬即逝的猜疑，而是具體可觸的事實。

“Why are you in my bed? Missed me that much?”
「你幹嘛跑來我床上？想我想成這樣？」

The bed dipped under the owner’s weight, followed by warmth pressed against his back. Beomgyu had his face pressed into a pillow the whole time, breathing in the familiar scent of their shared shampoo and something that reminded him of burying his face in Soobin’s neck. 
床鋪因主人的重量而微微下陷，緊接著一股暖意貼上他的背脊。范奎整張臉都埋在枕頭裡，呼吸間盡是兩人共用的洗髮精香氣，還有某種讓他想起把臉埋進秀彬頸窩的氣息。

“Don’t wanna climb up,” he mumbled, making a small strangled noise at the back of his throat when a pair of arms pulled him into an embrace, slotting their bodies together to fit in that small bed.
「不想爬上去，」他含糊地咕噥著，當一雙手臂將他拉進懷抱時，喉間溢出細小的嗚咽聲。兩具身軀在狹窄的床鋪上緊密貼合。

This was a familiar position, yet it didn’t give him the same comfort as any other day. Not with the twist in his guts, nor the constant clawing in his chest from the idea that Soobin had ignored his confession altogether, brushed it off so easily as if it didn’t take Beomgyu his most vulnerable moment to admit it out loud.
這是個熟悉的姿勢，卻無法像往常那樣帶給他慰藉。不僅因為胃部翻攪的不適，更因為胸口持續的刺痛感——想到秀彬完全無視他的告白，如此輕易地將它拋諸腦後，彷彿范奎耗盡最脆弱的時刻才說出口的話語毫無分量。

“Suspicious, did you cum on my pillow?” grumbled the other, which only made him laugh, hiding the said pillow from within reach by slotting it between his thighs.
「很可疑喔，你該不會射在我枕頭上了吧？」對方嘟囔著，這話只惹得他發笑，趕緊把那個枕頭夾在大腿間不讓對方碰到。

“Maybe I did. Maybe you should feel threatened that your pillow made me cum better than you. Do better!”
「或許吧。你該感到威脅，因為你的枕頭讓我比你更爽。加把勁吧！」

He got a pinch on his thigh for that, which made him yelp and struggle within his tight hold, only to have the pair of arms tightened around him. Soobin always gave him the best hug, one that enveloped his whole body, making him feel small and protected. He grew limp as Soobin’s mouth found his nape, his eyelashes fluttering against his cheek, picturing vividly how the wet pink lips traced along his sensitive skin.
他因此被掐了一下大腿，痛得叫出聲來，在對方緊抱中掙扎，卻只換來環抱的手臂收得更緊。秀彬總能給他最棒的擁抱，那種將他整個人包覆住的擁抱，讓他感覺自己既渺小又被保護著。當秀彬的唇找到他的後頸時，他整個人軟了下來，睫毛輕顫著掃過臉頰，腦中清晰浮現那對濕潤粉唇如何遊走在他敏感的肌膚上。

“That can’t be true,” Soobin said in a deep voice that came as a direct blow to the younger’s guts. “You’re so in love with me.”
「才不是這樣，」秀彬低沉的嗓音直接擊中弟弟的軟肋，「你明明愛我愛得要死。」

Ah. That joke.   啊。又是這個玩笑。

It used to be funny. They threw it around just to spite each other, especially during the moments where they showed kindness instead of being a brat to each other. A praise, a soft smile, then a twitch of lips into a playful smile. Are you in love with me? and then Beomgyu would make an offended face, or when he was in the mood, play along with his own You’re literally the one in love with me!
曾經這玩笑還挺有趣的。他們總愛用這話來互相調侃，特別是在難得對彼此溫柔、而非互相耍任性的時刻。一句讚美、一抹淺笑，接著嘴角就會揚起戲謔的弧度。「你該不會愛上我了吧？」然後杋圭就會擺出受辱的表情，或是興致來時配合演出：「明明是你愛我愛到無法自拔！」

It was funny, until Beomgyu’s brain responded instantly to it. A straight yes! because his brain, much like his whole self, was never shy with emotions or feelings. He loved Choi Soobin. Unknowingly, unconditionally, and unstoppably.
這本來挺好笑的，直到范奎的大腦立刻對此做出反應。一個直截了當的「是」！因為他的大腦，就像他整個人一樣，從不羞於表達情感或感受。他愛崔秀彬。不知不覺地、無條件地、無法阻擋地。

He was pulled away from his own mental battle by a sharp bite on his nape, a persistent one, judging from how he wasn’t let go so easily. His body responded in the way it was accustomed to, melting into Soobin’s chest and groaning out softly. 
他被後頸突如其來的尖銳咬痕拉回現實，從對方遲遲不肯鬆口的舉動來看，這顯然是蓄謀已久的行為。他的身體早已習慣這種親暱，自然而然地癱軟在秀彬懷裡，發出細微的呻吟。

Then he realized that Soobin had been sucking on that one spot with a purpose.
這時他才意識到秀彬吮吻那個位置別有用心。

“Don’t you dare tell me that you left a mark there, and it’s bigger than the size of a coin.”
「你該不會在那裡留了吻痕吧？而且比硬幣還大？」

“The size is not the problem actually…”
「其實尺寸不是重點啦...」

It clicked on his head. The constant stinging on his skin even when Soobin had pulled away gave it away.
他恍然大悟。即使秀彬已經抽身，皮膚上持續的刺痛感還是洩露了真相。

“Choi Soobin, fuck you!” he screamed, responded by an annoyingly high pitched laugh as the elder tried to constrain his struggling. 
「崔秀彬，去你的！」他尖叫著回應，換來對方一陣惱人的高音調笑聲，年長者試圖壓制他掙扎的動作。

Beomgyu could be strong when he wanted to, and even the elder wasn’t able to stop him when he actually wanted to land a punch. This was one of the rare cases, as he broke free from the hold and tried to wrestle his leader. The bed creaked under their movements, followed by a loud thud as they landed on the floor, with Soobin’s back cushioning their fall. He deserved that.
範奎想強硬的時候可是很強的，就連年長者都無法阻止他真正想揮出的拳頭。這屬於罕見情況之一，當他掙脫束縛試圖與隊長扭打時。床鋪在他們動作下發出吱呀聲響，隨後是重重落地聲——秀彬用背部承接了兩人墜落的衝擊。他活該。

The pained groan was enough of a reward for Beomgyu, but he was still losing, finding himself trapped again with his wrists pinned to the floor and a pair of lips stealing his breath and triumphant smile away. He was kissed full in the mouth, reduced into a pliant state so easily. Soobin always had the upper hand, and he knew it, judging from the way he smiled so smugly when they parted.
範奎痛苦的低吟對杋圭來說已是足夠的回報，但他仍處於劣勢，發現自己再次被壓制，雙腕被釘在地板上，一對唇瓣奪走了他的呼吸與勝利的笑容。他被深深吻住，如此輕易地化為順從的姿態。守彬總是佔上風，而他也心知肚明——從兩人分開時他那抹得意的笑容就能看出。

But that was not the problem here. 
但問題並不在這裡。

“Hyung,” he called out, regaining the elder’s attention to him, with a small quirk of eyebrow probably from being called with honorifics for once. “Have you ever thought of doing this with someone you love?”
「哥，」他喚道，成功讓年長者將注意力轉回自己身上，那微微挑起的眉毛或許是因為難得聽見敬稱。「你有想過和愛的人做這種事嗎？」

“This?”   「這種事？」

Beomgyu shut his eyes momentarily, averting his gaze when he did open them again just so he wouldn’t have to look into Soobin’s own. “This. What we’re doing – the kissing, the sex, whatever happened just now. Isn’t it better if you do these with someone you’re in love with?”
范奎閉上眼睛片刻，當他再次睜開時，他移開了視線，這樣他就不必直視秀彬的眼睛。「這個。我們正在做的事——接吻、做愛，剛剛發生的一切。和你愛的人做這些不是更好嗎？」

The grip loosened around his wrists. Beomgyu took his chance to take his hands back, covering his face with his arms.
手腕上的力道鬆開了。范奎抓住機會抽回雙手，用雙臂遮住自己的臉。

“What’s with the sudden question?'' The trace of playfulness and gentleness disappeared from Soobin’s voice. It sent a swoop of cold air into Beomgyu’s chest, veiling his heart in a shadow of winter. This. He was being too much for the elder. Soobin had made it clear since the beginning that he hated messy, or the chance of someone catching feelings like in the rom-com k-dramas he always despised.
「怎麼突然問這個？」秀彬聲音中那絲玩味和溫柔消失了。這讓一股冷空氣竄進范奎胸口，為他的心蒙上一層冬日的陰影。看吧。他對年長者來說太過頭了。秀彬從一開始就明確表示，他討厭混亂，或是像他總是嗤之以鼻的浪漫喜劇韓劇那樣，有人產生感情。

Ironically, Beomgyu went and did exactly that.
諷刺的是，范奎偏偏就做了這樣的事。

“No reason.”  「沒什麼原因。」

“Beomgyu yah, talk to me,” Soobin’s voice grew firmer, yet his hands stayed gentle when he pried Beomgyu’s hands away from his face. His eyes round up when he stared at his hyung. His heartstrings were tugged, then snapped. “Do you want to stop doing this with me?”
「范奎啊，跟我說說，」秀彬的聲音變得更加堅定，但當他將范奎的手從臉上拉開時，動作依然輕柔。范奎睜圓了眼睛盯著哥哥看，心弦被拉扯著，然後斷裂。「你不想再繼續這樣了嗎？」

No.  不要。

“It’s okay. We’re just doing it for fun and stress relief, right? Just tell me and I will leave you alone.”
「沒關係的。我們只是為了玩樂和紓壓才這樣做的，對吧？只要你說出來，我就不會再打擾你。」

No. He can’t lose Soobin like this.
不行。他不能就這樣失去秀彬。

The thoughts materialized into action as he clutched onto the front of Soobin’s shirt, pulling him desperately, way too needy. “No. I’m just wondering if you ever wanted that. You’re not obligated to stay with me. I’m just…” 
這些想法化為行動，他緊緊抓住秀彬的衣襟，拼命地拉扯著，顯得過分渴求。「不是的。我只是在想你是否曾經想要那樣。你沒有義務留在我身邊。我只是...」

What? What is he exactly?
什麼？他到底是什麼？

Friends with benefits? One that Soobin took care of so tenderly every time they had sex. Platonic lovers? If that term even existed. Best friends?
砲友？每次做愛時秀彬都那麼溫柔地照顧他。柏拉圖式戀人？如果這個詞真的存在的話。最好的朋友？

“That’s weirdly considerate of you. But I’m not looking to date right now, and I like this arrangement I have with you, so…”
「你這樣貼心還真奇怪。但我現在沒打算談戀愛，而且我喜歡我們現在這樣的關係，所以…」

Right. He was just that. The other party of the arrangement Soobin agreed with back then, one that he unknowingly got trapped into. If he had heard what Beomgyu said before, this explained why he pretended not to hear. He was not looking for a date, and that included Beomgyu.
沒錯。他就只是這樣的存在。當年秀彬同意的那段關係中的另一方，一個不知不覺陷入其中的角色。如果他早點聽到範奎那番話，這就解釋了為何要假裝沒聽見。他不想談戀愛，而這份「不想」包含了範奎。

They really should’ve drawn a line. That way, it wouldn’t ache this much when Soobin put him back in his rightful place.
他們真該劃清界線的。這樣當秀彬將他推回應有的位置時，就不會這麼痛了。

//

The brand on his neck burned his skin for days afterwards, along with the unhealed scar caused by Soobin’s words.
頸側的烙印在之後灼燒了他的肌膚好幾天，連同秀彬話語留下的那道未癒合的傷疤。

Other days, he would be proud to wear the brand – the purple bruise smacked on his skin like a scarlet letter. These days, it served as a reminder of his place. He was nothing more than a convenient arrangement for Soobin, a body to hold, to pour all affections and love he had in his body without the fear of catching feelings. 
其他日子裡，他會驕傲地展示這個印記——皮膚上那抹紫紅瘀青就像鮮紅的恥辱烙印。但如今，這只提醒著他的定位。對秀彬而言，他不過是個方便的選擇，一具可以擁抱的軀體，能傾注所有情感與愛意卻不必擔心動真心的存在。

After all, why would Soobin fall for Beomgyu? 
畢竟，秀彬怎麼可能愛上范奎？

Someday, they would have to move on from this. They would look back to this day and laugh because fuck , they had so much sex. They kissed so much at one time that their lips didn’t feel like lips anymore. And then Soobin would be proud of him for not catching feelings, for being the perfect friend with benefits the world had to offer.
總有一天，他們得結束這種關係。回首這段日子時，他們會笑著說真該死，他們做愛的次數多到數不清。他們曾接吻到雙唇麻木失去知覺。然後秀彬會為他感到驕傲——驕傲他沒有動心，驕傲他成了這世上最完美的不談感情砲友。

“Did you get bitten by a bug?” 
「你被蟲子咬了嗎？」

He almost choked at the question, which would be bad, considering he had a mouthful of spicy ramyeon in his mouth. The #2 menace of his life had waltzed to join him at the table, proceeding to prod the stinging spot on his neck. He sometimes wondered how Choi Yeonjun changed from his role model to the bane of his existence in just a few months of knowing him. Good thing the eldest made sure to periodically remind him why.
這個問題差點讓他嗆到，這可不太妙，畢竟他嘴裡正塞滿辣味泡麵。他生命中的第二號麻煩人物大搖大擺地加入餐桌，還伸手戳了戳他脖子上刺痛的位置。有時候他真不明白，怎麼認識崔然竣才幾個月，這位模範前輩就變成了他的人生剋星。幸好這位大哥總會定期提醒他原因。

“Stop that,” he hissed, shying away from the touch. 
「別碰，」他嘶聲躲開那隻手。

“Try to hide it better next time,” Yeonjun said with a sigh. “Or actually just, lower your volume if you want to do it at the dorm so we would actually think that it’s just a bug bite.”
「下次記得藏好點，」然竣嘆氣道，「或者乾脆在宿舍時小聲點，這樣我們才會真的以為只是蟲子咬的。」

Now, this actually made him break into a coughing fit. Tears springing up in his eyes as the spices burnt along his throat, a drop of it might have entered the wrong pipe. “Hyung?!”
這下真的讓他嗆得猛咳起來。辛辣感灼燒著喉嚨，眼淚瞬間湧上眼眶，可能有滴辣油跑進氣管裡了。「哥？！」

Yeonjun had an annoying grin smacked over his face initially, but it softened as he handed him a cup of cold water. He even took out a small tube of ointment which he applied onto the bruised part of Beomgyu’s skin, a cool touch on that burned patch. 
原本還掛著欠揍笑容的然竣，此時卻溫柔地遞來一杯冰水。他甚至掏出小藥膏，輕輕塗在杋圭發紅的皮膚上，灼熱處頓時傳來清涼觸感。

“Yeonjun hyung, you’re so annoying.”
「然竣哥，你真的很煩欸。」

“Unprovoked?”  「我招誰惹誰了？」

“But I’m not ashamed to say that I had a crush on you, especially when you’re being nice like this,” he beamed, watching as the displeasure in Yeonjun’s face softened. 
「但我一點也不羞於承認自己對你有好感，尤其是當你像現在這樣溫柔的時候。」他笑著說道，看著然竣臉上的不悅逐漸軟化。

This kind of crush, he knew from the beginning that it was hopeless. From the first time they talked, Yeonjun had always adopted this older brother vibe, ready to fight him but also hug him at the end of the day. This kind of crush was an easy one to get over with. 
這種心動，他從一開始就知道毫無希望。從他們第一次交談起，然竣就總是擺出哥哥的姿態，隨時準備和他鬥嘴，卻又會在一天結束時給他擁抱。這種心動，要放下其實很容易。

“Hyung, will you kiss me?”
「哥，你會吻我嗎？」

Yeonjun blinked. “I thought you got over your crush.”
然竣眨了眨眼。「我以為你已經放下對我的感情了。」

“I did! That’s why I want you to kiss me,” he said, losing the surge of boldness that hit him a moment ago. It was too late to go back. “I want to remember how to kiss without feelings. It will be 100% platonic!”
「我有！所以才要你親我啊，」他說道，方才那股衝動的勇氣正逐漸消退。但現在後悔已經太遲了。「我想記住沒有感情的吻是什麼感覺。這絕對是百分之百的柏拉圖式親吻！」

Yeah, right, Choi Beomgyu. That was what you told Soobin the beginning. 100% platonic kiss, and then a platonic making out, and it ended with a platonic sex.
呵，說得真好聽，崔杋圭。你一開始也是這樣跟秀彬說的。什麼百分之百柏拉圖式的吻，接著是柏拉圖式的親熱，最後還搞出個柏拉圖式的性愛。

He couldn’t even trust himself, so he couldn’t blame Yeonjun for the doubtful look.
他甚至無法信任自己，所以也不能怪罪然俊那懷疑的眼神。

“No, I won’t kiss you,” he decided at last. “But I can tell you this, Beomgyu. As someone who overthinks and tends to hide his feelings to another, please communicate.”
「不，我不會吻你，」他最終決定道。「但我可以告訴你，范奎。作為一個總是過度思考、習慣隱藏自己感情的人，請學會溝通。」

If only it was that easy. 
要是真有那麼簡單就好了。

He did get someone else to kiss him before the day ended.
不過在當天結束前，他確實讓別人吻了他。

It was one of their dancers. Someone his age who hyped him up a lot during their dance practices. He had cornered the poor guy, bought him a drink, and asked sweetly. I want to know how it is to be kissed. Can you show me?
是他們其中一位舞者。一個在練舞時經常為他加油打氣、與他同齡的男孩。他堵住了那可憐的傢伙，請他喝了杯飲料，然後甜膩地請求：我想知道接吻是什麼感覺。你能示範給我看嗎？

The kiss was chaste and cute. The guy was shorter, so he had to tiptoe when he leaned in to press a quick peck to Beomgyu’s lips. And as Beomgyu thanked him, he scurried away, tripping on his own feet. It felt good to be adored, and kissing without any twist in his chest. 
這個吻純潔又可愛。因為男生個子比較矮，他得踮起腳尖才能快速輕啄一下范奎的嘴唇。當范奎向他道謝時，他慌張地跑開，還被自己的腳絆了一下。被人愛慕的感覺很好，而且親吻時胸口沒有那種糾結的感覺。

//

It was nothing new that Choi Beomgyu was famous for his bad ideas, yet this experimental kiss was a particularly bad one because
崔杋圭以餿主意聞名早已不是新鮮事，但這次實驗性的接吻可謂糟糕透頂，因為

1) He realized that he hadn’t felt this way for a long time. 
1) 他意識到自己已經很久沒有這種感覺了。

What should’ve been a promise of a platonic kiss was never platonic to begin with, because the pleasant ache that he felt whenever Soobin kissed him, and he could see the pair of dimples in his cheeks when he parted had always been present since the first kiss they shared.
本該只是友誼之吻的承諾，從一開始就超越了友誼的界線。因為每當秀彬親吻他時，那股令人愉悅的悸動總會湧現，而當雙唇分開時，他總能看見對方臉頰上那對可愛的酒窩——從他們初吻那刻起，這份感覺就未曾消失過。

2) The kiss didn’t stay as a secret.
2) 這個吻沒能成為秘密。

In retrospect, he should’ve probably told Seojun not to tell anyone else. A little too late for that by the time he realized, since the friend had been busy telling their colleagues about it, saying stuff about how cute Beomgyu was, never been kissed. 
回想起來，他或許應該告訴瑞俊別告訴其他人。但當他意識到這點時已經太遲了，因為那位朋友早就忙著向同事們宣傳這件事，還說些什麼「范奎好可愛」、「從來沒接過吻」之類的話。

It was no surprise that the news reached his group mates. Taehyun gave him a weird look, while Kai complained that it could’ve been with him instead. Yeonjun shook his head and muttered something about how stupid he was. And then Soobin.
消息傳到團員們耳裡一點也不意外。泰顯給了他一個怪異的眼神，休寧凱則抱怨說為什麼不是跟他接吻。然竣搖搖頭，嘀咕著說他真是蠢透了。然後是秀彬。

Soobin was a total asshole.
秀彬完全就是個混蛋。

“Never been kissed, huh? Is that how you flirt, now?” he had come up to him at the end of their dance practice session, as if Beomgyu was not already spent. Beaten up by their rigorous dance routines, and now he had to deal with the teasing slash annoying smile on Soobin’s face.
「沒接過吻，是吧？這就是你現在調情的方式？」舞蹈練習結束後，他湊了過來，彷彿范奎還不夠累似的。被嚴苛的舞蹈動作折騰得半死，現在還得面對秀彬臉上那抹討人厭的調侃笑容。

“Technically, I didn’t say that. Told him I wanted to know how to be kissed by him.”
「嚴格來說，我沒那麼說。我只是告訴他我想知道被他親吻是什麼感覺。」

Soobin stared at him for what felt like too long, but Beomgyu was too tired to make sense of it. He kept his eyes shut, chest rising and falling more gently now as he caught up his breath. 
秀彬盯著他看了太久，但杋圭實在太累了，無力去理解這一切。他閉著雙眼，胸膛隨著平緩的呼吸輕輕起伏。

“Maybe you should’ve made it clear to him, then. He seems to think you have a crush on him, and wanted him to take your first kiss,” now he got into his leader mode, giving him unsolicited advice. He was pretty sure that his leader training didn’t cover anything about solving his bandmate’s lover issues.
「或許你該跟他說清楚。他好像以為你暗戀他，還想讓他奪走你的初吻。」此刻秀彬切換成隊長模式，給出未經請求的建議。他很確定隊長培訓課程可沒教過如何解決隊員的感情問題。

“Well maybe there’s nothing to make clear about?” he snapped, eyes finding Soobin’s. “Maybe I wanted him to like me? What is it to you?”
「說不定根本沒什麼好說清楚的？」杋圭突然嗆聲，目光直視秀彬。「說不定我就是想讓他喜歡我？關你什麼事？」

A glint of annoyance crossed Soobin’s eyes for a split second, but that didn’t deter the younger for once, now that he was occupied with his own. A frown didn’t look good on Soobin, though it didn’t last for long, because Soobin’s response to confrontation was always a more passive aggressive approach. 
秀彬眼中閃過一絲惱怒，但這次這沒能嚇退難得堅持己見的忙內。雖然皺眉不適合秀彬，但這表情沒持續多久——畢竟面對衝突時，秀彬向來採取更為消極攻擊的應對方式。

This time, his response came in the understanding look that dawned on his face.
這次，他的回應表現在臉上那恍然大悟的神情。

“Is this why you asked those questions to me? You’re the one who wanted to stop.”
「這就是你問我那些問題的原因嗎？原來是你想喊停。」

No. He didn’t want to stop. Everything would be good even if Soobin would never return his feelings, as long as he got to keep the leader in his arms. As long as Soobin would look at him so tenderly like in most nights they were tangled under the covers.
不，他不想停下來。即使秀彬永遠不會回應他的感情，只要他能繼續將隊長擁在懷中，一切就都很好。只要秀彬能像大多數夜晚他們在被窩裡纏綿時那樣溫柔地看著他。

But his brain took over this time, controlling his voice. “Yes, hyung. It’s been too long, I think it’s time to move on from this stupid game we started.”
但這次他的理智佔了上風，控制著他的聲音。「是的，哥。已經拖太久了，我想是時候結束我們開始的這場愚蠢遊戲了。」

Soobin’s jaws tensed momentarily, as if he was affected by this decision when he was the one who said that this was only for fun and stress relief. It might have something to do with all those possessive holds he had on Beomgyu when they were in bed, maybe something in his subconscious had been conditioned that Beomgyu was his. At least he wanted to believe it; that there was a part of Soobin who wanted him. 
秀彬的下顎瞬間緊繃，彷彿被這個決定所影響——明明是他自己說過這只是為了玩樂和紓壓。或許這與他在床上對範奎那些佔有慾十足的掌控有關，潛意識裡某部分已經認定範奎是屬於他的。至少他想這麼相信；相信秀彬內心某處是渴望他的。

It would be fair, because Beomgyu had always wanted him with his whole heart.
這樣很公平，因為範奎始終全心全意地想要他。

“You should’ve told me earlier. You’re right, though. It’s time to end this.”
「你早該告訴我的。不過你說得對，是時候結束這一切了。」

Nodding, he smiled at the elder, and for a split second, Soobin looked like he wanted to lean in for a kiss. Their bodies had been conditioned for certain things, after all. That included how Soobin always had this instinct to kiss him when he smiled so brightly, said that a smile tasted the best to kiss.
他點點頭對年長者微笑，有那麼一瞬間，秀彬看起來像是想湊過來親吻。畢竟他們的身體早已習慣某些互動模式，包括每當他笑得特別燦爛時，秀彬總會本能地想親吻他，說這樣的笑靨吻起來最甜。

Instead, Soobin just ruffled his damp hair, then walked away from him. 
結果秀彬只是揉了揉他濕漉漉的頭髮，便轉身走開。

Beomgyu thought that it would be easier if he was the one who let go. At least he wouldn’t be the one getting dumped when Soobin found someone he wanted to love properly. Oh, he couldn’t be more wrong for that thought. 
杋圭想著如果由自己先放手會比較輕鬆。至少當秀彬遇見真正想好好愛的人時，他不會是被拋棄的那個。噢，這個念頭簡直錯得離譜。

The ache that pulsed from his chest now was unbearable. It was the only thing that kept him grounded into this cold studio’s floor, watching as Soobin walked away from him while trying to scrape away the thick liquid of affections that coated his heart. It only hurt more because his heart had been trained to be in love with Choi Soobin, to beat faster whenever they kissed, and to fall deeper whenever he whispered sweet nothings to his ear. 
從他胸口傳來的陣陣疼痛此刻已難以忍受。這份痛楚是唯一能將他釘在這間冰冷錄音室地板上的東西，他眼睜睜看著秀彬離去，同時試圖刮除那些糊在心臟上、濃稠得化不開的愛戀。這只會讓痛苦加劇，因為他的心早已被訓練成愛上崔秀彬的模樣——每當他們親吻時便加速跳動，每當那人在耳畔呢喃甜言蜜語時便陷得更深。

Letting go of Soobin came with a foreboding thought that he might as well have to tear his heart away from his chest. This heart didn’t know how to beat without him being in love with his best friend.
放開秀彬的同時，他心中湧起一股不祥的預感，彷彿必須親手將自己的心臟從胸膛裡挖出來。這顆心臟早已忘記該如何跳動——除非它能繼續愛著他最好的朋友。

//

“7PM, right?”  「晚上 7 點，對吧？」

Beomgyu nodded, biting down onto his lower lip as he stared down at the hotel card key. “Will you be there?”
Beomgyu 點點頭，咬著下唇盯著飯店房卡。「你會在那裡嗎？」

There was a long silence, filled with rustles of clothes as Soobin was busy putting on a jacket. Their manager was already waiting outside, ready to drive the leader to his usual Music Bank gig this morning. And here Beomgyu was again, being a hindrance and slowing him down like always.
一陣漫長的沉默，只有 Soobin 忙著穿外套的衣物摩擦聲。經紀人已經在外面等候，準備開車送隊長去參加今早例行的《Music Bank》行程。而 Beomgyu 又來了，像往常一樣成為絆腳石拖慢他的腳步。

“I’ll come,“ he finally said, taking the card away from his fidgeting hands. Beomgyu smiled up at him, only to meet a rather cold expression. A tired one. He must be so tired indulging Beomgyu and his requests, how did he never catch onto this before? 
「我會去的。」他終於開口，將卡片從不安分的手中抽走。范奎仰頭對他露出微笑，卻只對上一張相當冷漠的表情。疲憊的神情。他一定很累吧，總是順著范奎和他的要求，為什麼自己以前從沒發現呢？

“Thank you! I booked this a while ago to surprise you, so it would be a waste if we didn’t go, and I don’t want to be alone there, so—“
「謝謝！我早就訂好這個要給你驚喜，不去就浪費了，而且我也不想一個人去，所以——」

“Beomgyu, I said I’d go,” Soobin cut him when he started rambling again, which was great, because Beomgyu might have started outing himself. “It’s for the last time, right? We’ll make it special.”
「范奎，我說我會去的。」秀彬打斷他又開始的絮絮叨叨，這很好，因為范奎可能差點就要自爆了。「這是最後一次了，對吧？我們要讓它變得特別。」

Soobin smiled at him, and Beomgyu couldn’t resist smiling back, even went as far to tug on the hem of his jackets and lean in to kiss him. He ignored a pang of pain in his chest when Soobin turned his head at the last second. The kiss landed on his cheek.
秀彬對他微笑，范奎忍不住也回以笑容，甚至伸手拉住他的外套下襬，傾身想親吻他。當秀彬在最後一刻別過頭時，他無視了胸口傳來的一陣刺痛。那個吻落在了臉頰上。

He had no rights to kiss Soobin anymore. How could he forget?
他再也沒有權利親吻秀彬了。他怎麼能忘記？

//

If there was one thing that Soobin couldn’t find out, it was the fact that Beomgyu had staged this last date out of sheer desperation.
如果說有一件事是秀彬絕對不能發現的，那就是這最後的約會完全是範奎在絕望中策劃的。

He had booked this hotel last night, then the rest of the lies flowed out of his mouth so easily. The way he made up a complete lie about booking the ticket a while ago just so they could have a night alone somewhere else. How he coaxed Soobin to join him in this trip because it would be such a waste if he went alone. It must be so easy for him to lie as he had been trained to lie the whole time, acting like he was not in love with his best friend. 
他昨晚才訂了這間飯店，然後剩下的謊言就這麼輕易地從他嘴裡溜了出來。他編造了一個完整的謊言，說什麼早就訂好了票，就為了讓他們能在別處共度一晚。他如何哄騙秀彬一起來旅行，說什麼如果自己一個人去就太浪費了。對他來說說謊一定很容易，畢竟他一直在訓練自己說謊，假裝自己沒有愛上最好的朋友。

And Soobin, being the kind, gentle Soobin he was, accepted his invitation.
而秀彬，身為那個善良溫柔的秀彬，接受了他的邀請。

Perhaps it was better if the elder actually looked bothered about it, or stayed cold throughout the whole stay in this five stars hotel he booked for them. That way, it would be easier for Beomgyu to hate him once the night end.
或許年長者真的表現出在意，或是全程都保持冷漠，對他們入住的這間五星級飯店毫不在乎，情況反而會好一些。這樣一來，夜晚結束時，范奎要恨他也會容易些。

Instead, he woke up in the hotel bed to a fleeting kiss to his lips, and a familiar brush of lips against his jaw. He woke up to Soobin’s eyes, staring at him like he had drawn all the stars in the sky. The depth of Soobin’s eyes could be frightening, how badly Beomgyu wanted it to be reserved to him only. Genuinely and not for the fact that they were trapped in this arrangement of platonic-only affections. 
相反地，他在飯店床上醒來時，唇瓣感受到一個轉瞬即逝的輕吻，還有那熟悉的、沿著下顎游移的柔軟觸感。他睜眼就對上秀彬的視線，那雙眼眸凝視他的方式彷彿將整片星空都繪入其中。秀彬眼底的深邃有時令人心驚，而范奎多麼渴望那份深情只為他一人保留。是真摯的、而非因為他們被困在這段僅止於柏拉圖式親密的關係裡。

“Hey,” he whispered, as softly as he could to not break the delicate air that enveloped them. “Fell asleep… sorry.”
「嘿，」他盡可能輕聲細語，生怕打破籠罩兩人的微妙氛圍。「不小心睡著了...抱歉。」

“You must have waited for a long time, seeing that you’re ready,” he glanced down at the length of Beomgyu’s body, clad only in a white bathrobe provided by the hotel. It was on point, since Beomgyu had gotten here two hours prior to the promised time, just enough time to take a shower and catch a quick nap. 
「你肯定等很久了吧，連浴袍都換好了。」他垂眸掃過范奎全身，那具軀體只裹著飯店提供的白色浴袍。這很合理，畢竟范奎比約定時間早到了兩小時，剛好夠沖個澡再小睡片刻。

“Shut up. You’re the slow one,” he groaned, dragging his bare leg up Soobin’s side, along the rough fabric of his pants.
「閉嘴啦，明明是你動作太慢。」范奎哼唧著抱怨，光裸的長腿沿著秀彬身側蹭上去，磨蹭著對方褲子的粗糙布料。

Only then did he notice what Soobin was wearing. Some of the Music Bank’s outfits could be ridiculous, but some could be dangerous to Beomgyu’s health. This one belonged to the latter category, unfortunately. His heart dropped low into his abdomen as he saw the white shirt Soobin was wearing, with the long sleeves rolled up to his elbows, and a black tie hanging loosely around his neck. 
這時他才注意到秀彬穿的是什麼。音樂銀行的服裝有些可能很荒謬，但有些對范奎的健康來說簡直是危險。不幸的是，這套屬於後者。當他看到秀彬穿著那件白色襯衫，長袖捲到手肘，黑色領帶鬆垮地掛在脖子上時，他的心臟直接沉到了腹部。

He hadn’t noticed that he had cursed aloud until it was responded by Soobin’s laughter. 
他直到聽見秀彬的笑聲才意識到自己脫口罵出了髒話。

“Fuck, indeed,” he snorted. The annoying smug smile was drawn over his lips again. “Like what you see?”
「操，確實。」他嗤笑一聲，那抹令人惱火的得意笑容又浮現在唇邊。「喜歡你看到的嗎？」

He wished he didn’t.
他真希望自己不喜歡。

Because then he wouldn’t have ended up in this situation, the humiliating one where he was perched on Soobin’s lap, fingers clutching onto his tie while the elder was slowly undressing him from his bathrobe. The soft fabric dragged over his bare skin in a tantalizingly slow movement, exposing his bare skin slowly while Soobin’s words hung over them. Thick with a promise.
因為這樣他就不會淪落到如此難堪的境地——跨坐在秀彬腿上，手指緊抓著對方的領帶，而年長者正慢條斯理地褪去他的浴袍。柔軟布料以撩人的緩慢速度滑過他裸露的肌膚，隨著秀彬充滿暗示的話語在空氣中懸浮，一寸寸暴露出更多赤裸。

“You have to tell me what you want, then you might actually get it, baby,” (Beomgyu forgot to breathe upon hearing the nickname.) “I will stop if you stop speaking.”
「你得告訴我你想要什麼，這樣你才有可能得到它，寶貝。」（聽到這個暱稱，范奎瞬間忘了呼吸。）「如果你不開口，我就會停下來。」

“I want to… uh, haven’t I said enough already?” he whined, trying to shrug the fabric off his shoulder, squirming in Soobin’s lap just to rile the elder up. He could feel the tent hardening in his pants already, why was he being so annoying?
「我想...呃，我說得還不夠多嗎？」他嘟囔著，試圖把布料從肩上甩開，在秀彬腿上扭動身體只為了惹惱年長者。他已經能感覺到對方褲襠裡硬起的形狀，這傢伙為什麼要這麼煩人？

There was a glint of annoyance in Soobin’s eyes as he snapped his gaze back at the younger, sending a swoop of fright in Beomgyu’s stomach. It was followed by a smack on the side of his thigh, which only made him gasp and cling tighter onto the elder. 
秀彬眼中閃過一絲惱怒，當他猛然將視線轉回年輕男孩身上時，范奎胃部頓時湧起一陣驚慌。緊接著一記巴掌落在他的大腿側，這讓他倒抽一口氣，反而更緊地攀住年長者。

“Stop being a brat.”
「別再耍任性了。」

Tears stung his eyes, more of an angry one than anything else, especially at the fact that it got him more aroused. Soobin’s hands settled on his waist, stopping there because Beomgyu wasn’t talking anymore. “I… I’ve been thinking about you. When I missed this, and you were just sleeping there… so close. Wanted you to fuck me again.”
淚水刺痛他的眼眶，與其說是委屈不如說是氣惱，尤其當他發現這反而讓自己更加興奮。秀彬的雙手停在他腰際，因為范奎終於不再說話。「我...我一直在想你。當我懷念這種感覺時，你卻只是睡在那裡...那麼近。好想讓你再操我一次。」

The bathrobe finally slipped past his shoulders, and his elbows, and he was almost in tears from the relief. The slow touches were agonizing. It was not helping that they looked obscene this way. He could see their reflections from the huge window that displayed the night sky outside; Soobin still fully clothed in his office outfits, and he was fully naked now. It made him feel so dirty. 
浴袍終於滑過他的肩膀，滑過他的手肘，他幾乎因解脫而落淚。那些緩慢的觸碰令人煎熬。更糟的是他們這樣子看起來淫穢不堪。他能從展示著夜空的巨大窗戶看見兩人的倒影；秀彬仍穿著完整的辦公室裝束，而他現在已全身赤裸。這讓他感覺如此骯髒。

“H-hyung,” he hiccupped, fingers clawing red lines onto Soobin’s nape, up into his hair and fisting around a handful when the plush lips replaced his fingers that were playing with his nipple. He tugged a little harshly, earning him a bite that made him yelp. “Fuck… are you going to fuck me? Please hurry up.”
「哥、哥哥……」他抽噎著，手指在秀彬的後頸抓出幾道紅痕，又往上探入髮間，當那柔軟的唇瓣取代正在玩弄他乳頭的手指時，他猛地攥緊一把髮絲。他有些粗暴地扯了一下，換來對方一記咬嚙，讓他吃痛地叫出聲。「操……你到底要不要上我？快點啦。」

“Patience, baby,” he mumbled around the sensitive bud, and Beomgyu wanted to scream at the sight. 
「耐心點，寶貝。」他含著那敏感的蓓蕾含糊說道，這景象讓范奎想尖叫。

He started squirming some more, only to be held in place by a pair of strong arms. A squeeze to his ass cheek caused him to groan, knowing what Soobin would find soon. 
他開始更加不安分地扭動，卻被一雙強壯的手臂牢牢固定。當對方捏了一下他的臀瓣時，他忍不住呻吟出聲，心知肚明秀彬很快就會發現什麼。

“I… I touched myself in the shower just now, thinking of you. I imagined you coming in while I had three fingers inside me, then you could replace them with your cock. Missed it…” 
「我...我剛剛在洗澡時想著你自慰。我幻想你在我用三根手指插進去時闖進來，然後用你的老二取代它們。好想你...」

A finger made its way past his rim, gathering the lube that he had used earlier. It made his chest bloom with a hint of achievement knowing that he was the cause of it, as Soobin cursed aloud. A hint of flush down his neck where sweat was gathering. It’s nice knowing that he made the elder as worked up as he was.
一根手指滑過他的邊緣，沾取了他先前使用的潤滑液。聽到秀彬大聲咒罵，他的胸口湧現一絲成就感，知道這都是因為他。汗水在秀彬泛紅的頸間匯聚。能讓年長者和自己一樣情慾高漲，這種感覺真好。

“Are you going to—ah!” he yelled at the feeling of losing his balance, only to find himself being held securely against Soobin’s frame. He was being carried in the pair of strong arms, while his own wound around Soobin’s neck. 
「你要——啊！」他因失去平衡而驚叫出聲，卻發現自己已被秀彬穩穩地摟在懷裡。那雙有力的臂膀將他橫抱而起，而他的雙手則環繞在秀彬的頸間。

He was being lifted so easily, pressed up against the cold glass, with the night city scenery behind him. Like he cared about the city when he heard the rustle of belt and pants, and then he was being stretched out around Soobin’s cock. It sunk inside him easily, but still a tight fit. And then he was so full, filled to the brim and stretched around the girth. 
他被輕易地舉起，壓在冰冷的玻璃上，身後是夜晚的城市景觀。當他聽到皮帶和褲子的窸窣聲時，哪還在乎什麼城市風景，接著他就被撐開在秀彬的性器周圍。那東西輕易地滑入他體內，卻仍緊緻得令人發顫。然後他就被填得滿滿當當，被那粗壯徹底撐開。

Soobin’s mouth found his neck as he had his head tilted back, lewd moan falling off his lips. 
秀彬的唇找到他後仰的頸項，淫靡的呻吟從他唇間溢出。

“You can be as loud today. It’s just us,” came Soobin’s low voice by his neck. 
「今天你可以盡情叫出聲。只有我們兩個。」秀彬的低語在他頸邊響起。

And he did just that the moment Soobin started rocking against him. His cock dragging over all the sensitive spots inside him that made his toes curl and his cock leak against the white shirt. He was being held so securely against the glass, being made to take the onslaught against his prostate. 
當秀彬開始在他體內抽送時，他確實這麼做了。那根東西刮過體內所有敏感點，讓他腳趾蜷曲，性器在前襟的白襯衫上滲出濕痕。他被牢牢抵在玻璃上，被迫承受著前列腺被不斷撞擊的攻勢。

The scream that escaped his mouth wasn’t a surprise when he came all over his chest, shivering and clawing all over Soobin’s arm, while the elder fucked him through it. The surprise was when he started shaking in the aftermath, feeling the elder slowed down, taking his hand that was furiously brushing the tears away from his face.
當他高潮時，那聲脫口而出的尖叫並不令人意外——他渾身顫抖，手指在秀彬手臂上抓出紅痕，而年長者仍持續在他體內抽送。真正令人意外的是事後的顫慄，當他感覺到年長者放緩節奏，握住他正胡亂抹去臉上淚水的手。

“Hey, Beomgyu,” his voice was more alert now. A shadow of arousal in it, but coated by concerns dripping all over it. “You’re crying too much. Are you okay?”
「嘿，范奎，」他的聲音此刻更加清醒。帶著一絲情慾的陰影，卻被滿溢的擔憂所覆蓋。「你哭得太厲害了。你還好嗎？」

Was he crying? He could feel the shaking, and the wetness, but crying during sex was common, right? He cried most of the time from pleasure.
他在哭嗎？他能感覺到顫抖和濕潤，但做愛時哭泣很正常吧？他大多時候都是因為快感而哭泣。

“I’m sorry,” for ruining what we have. “I’m sorry, hyungie,” for taking advantage of your kindness. “I’m sorry,” for falling in love with you.
「對不起，」為了毀了我們之間的一切。「對不起，哥，」為了利用你的善良。「對不起，」為了愛上你。

“Let’s stop for a bit, okay? Please breathe for me,” 
「我們暫停一下好嗎？拜託為我呼吸，」

“No! Please… Just keep going,” he said, or at least tried to say, because then he noticed that it was hard to speak over his sobs. He was really crying so much, and he could tell that he ruined it for the leader. 
「不要！拜託…繼續下去就好，」他說道，或者至少試圖這麼說，因為他隨即發現自己哭得連話都說不清楚。他真的哭得太厲害了，而且他知道自己搞砸了隊長的事。

Soobin didn’t even get to cum. This was going to be how Soobin remembered about them in the future, especially since this would be the last time they were ever going to be this intimate. After tonight, they would go back to be roommates; back as best friends instead of friends with benefits. He'd have no rights to kiss or touch Soobin like this again, and he just had to ruin it. 
秀彬甚至沒能達到高潮。這將是秀彬未來回憶起他們的方式，尤其是這將是他們最後一次如此親密。過了今晚，他們將恢復室友關係；回到摯友而非砲友的狀態。他再也沒有權利像這樣親吻或觸碰秀彬，而他偏偏搞砸了這一切。

Over the past few minutes, Soobin had been patient, staying there and kissing his tears away from his cheek while Beomgyu clutched around him tightly with his legs. He stopped shaking from crying, and the cloud of emotions cleared away from his head.
在過去的幾分鐘裡，玟碩一直很有耐心，待在那裡輕吻著他臉頰上的淚水，而范奎則用雙腿緊緊纏繞著他。他不再因哭泣而顫抖，腦中混亂的情緒也逐漸消散。

“Hey, Beomgyu yah. Baby. Do you need something?” Soobin kept asking, rubbing over his waist and thumbing his hipbones. The affectionate touch only made another drop of tear spill from a corner of his eyes. There was a small thought that maybe, Soobin really cared about him. 
「嘿，范奎呀。寶貝。你需要什麼嗎？」玟碩不斷詢問，一邊輕撫他的腰際，拇指摩挲著他的髖骨。這般溫柔的觸碰只讓又一滴淚水從他眼角滑落。有個小小的念頭閃過——或許，玟碩是真的在乎他。

Maybe he would also do this last request then. 
或許他也會答應這最後的請求吧。

“Can you… can you act like you’re in love with me? Make tonight a romantic one? Just… for the last time. I want to know how it feels to be loved.” 
「你可以…可以假裝愛我嗎？讓今晚變得浪漫一點？就…最後一次。我想知道被愛是什麼感覺。」

He didn’t get to freak out about his request, because the next thing he knew, he was on the bed. Alone.
他還沒來得及為自己的請求感到慌亂，下一秒就發現自己獨自躺在床上。

A whole different reason to freak out.
這下有了完全不同的慌亂理由。

The bed was cold and there was no trace of Soobin around him and God, he wanted to cry again. Probably would’ve broken down if it was not for the dip of weight that joined him in the bed, and then Soobin was within his reach again.
床鋪冰冷，周圍完全沒有秀彬的蹤跡，天啊，他又想哭了。要不是床墊突然下陷的重量讓他感覺到有人躺了進來，他可能真的會崩潰——然後秀彬又回到了觸手可及的距離。

“Hey, are you feeling better?” he asked.
「嘿，你好點了嗎？」他問道。

Beomgyu winced at the contact of a warm towel on his cheek, wiping the trace of tears away from his face. His glistening eyes gazed up at the elder. “I thought you left.”
范奎因溫熱毛巾碰觸臉頰而瑟縮了一下，毛巾拭去他臉上的淚痕。那雙閃著淚光的眼眸向上望著年長者。「我以為你走了。」

“Why would I leave you? When you look this pretty, all for hyung to have,” he said so casually, as if it didn’t send Beomgyu’s brain into its logging-off mode. “How could you look so pretty even after crying? Where’s the snotty kid I knew from a few years ago?”
「我怎麼會丟下你？當你這麼漂亮，全都是為了讓哥擁有。」他說得如此隨意，彷彿沒注意到這話讓范奎的大腦直接當機。「怎麼連哭過都還能這麼好看？幾年前我認識的那個鼻涕小鬼去哪了？」

“Shut up. Aren’t you supposed to make this romantic?” he grumbled.
「閉嘴啦。你不是應該讓這變得更浪漫一點嗎？」他咕噥著。

“Are you sure you can handle that?” the challenge was present in his voice. “Are you really sure?”
「你確定你能應付得了嗎？」他的語氣中帶著挑釁。「真的確定嗎？」

Soobin was back on top of him again, their bodies were barely touching, but close enough for Beomgyu to feel his body heat. He heard rustles of clothes again as the elder started undressing himself, all while pressing his mouth in a slow journey down Beomgyu’s body. 
秀彬又壓回他身上，兩人身體幾乎沒有接觸，但距離近到讓范奎能感受到他的體溫。年長者開始脫衣服時，他又聽見衣料摩擦的窸窣聲，同時那雙唇正沿著范奎的身體緩緩向下游移。

The noises that left his mouth were mortifying. He sounded so desperate, preening under the attention. The heat spread from the contact of Soobin’s plush lips on his skin, spreading all over his body, and particularly in his abdomen. 
從他嘴裡發出的聲音令人羞恥至極。他聽起來如此渴望，在這樣的關注下沾沾自喜。秀彬柔軟的雙唇接觸他肌膚的熱度蔓延開來，遍布全身，尤其集中在他的腹部。

If this was Soobin’s way of loving, Beomgyu’s soul would’ve ascended so many times already. 
如果這就是秀彬表達愛的方式，范奎的靈魂恐怕早已升天無數次。

Even once the clothes were discarded, Soobin still took his time with his kisses. He left his mark on Beomgyu’s hip, and then a scorching trace of kiss along his thigh. He took his time teasing Beomgyu’s hardening cock with his mouth, tongue peeking between his lips to lap a drop of precum from the head. Beomgyu almost kicked him in the face.
即使衣物早已褪去，秀彬仍不疾不徐地親吻著。他在範奎的腰際留下印記，又沿著大腿烙下一連串炙熱的吻痕。他從容不迫地用唇舌挑逗範奎逐漸硬挺的性器，舌尖輕探出唇縫，舔去頂端滲出的前液。範奎差點一腳踹上他的臉。

In the end, it was when Soobin started fucking him again that Beomgyu lost it. 
最終，當秀彬再次進入他時，範奎徹底崩潰了。

His hands were being held, fingers intertwined above his head. It felt too intimate. As if it was not enough, Soobin just had to whisper in his ear, lips pressed to his earlobe. 
他的雙手被扣住，十指交纏著高舉過頭頂。這親密得令人窒息。彷彿這樣還不夠，秀彬偏要貼著他的耳垂低語。

“I don’t want to act like I’m in love with you. I can’t, because I’m actually in love with you, Beomgyu yah.”
「我不想假裝愛上你。我辦不到，因為我是真的愛你，範奎啊。」

Beomgyu’s eyes widened. He tried to make sure that he was not hearing things because he was being fucked to heaven and back, and Soobin confirmed it again as he swooped a kiss from his mouth. His voice was gentle. 
范奎瞪大了雙眼。他試圖確認自己沒有因為被幹到神魂顛倒而產生幻聽，而秀彬再次用一個深吻證實了這句話。他的聲音溫柔得不可思議。

“I love you, Choi Beomgyu.”
「我愛你，崔范奎。」

Choi Soobin, that asshole, didn’t let him free for a fucking second to clear his mind. He only rocked his hips harder against the younger, fucking him in a way that made his words jumbled in his tongue, reduced into lewd moans and choked screams. But this was okay, because this moment was reserved only for the two of them. 
崔秀彬那個混蛋連他媽一秒鐘都不肯給他清醒思考。他只是更用力地擺動腰胯撞擊身下的人，用那種讓話語在舌尖打結的抽插方式，將所有言語都化為淫靡的呻吟與窒息的尖叫。但這樣很好，因為此刻只屬於他們兩人。

The kiss was broken, and his mouth moved to press a kiss to the inside of Beomgyu’s wrist. Their fingers still locked together.
這個吻結束時，他的唇轉而輕吻范奎手腕內側。兩人的手指仍緊緊交纏。

Beomgyu had never felt something so intimate. To feel so loved. 
范奎從未感受過如此親密的時刻。被如此深愛著的感覺。

He might have passed out when he came with Soobin’s name on his tongue, and that was when Soobin bit down on his wrist, right as he spilled ropes of cum inside him.
當他喊著秀彬的名字達到高潮時，可能已經暈過去了。就在那一刻，秀彬咬住了他的手腕，同時將滾燙的精液射進他體內。

Beomgyu thought that he might die a little there, but at least he was loved.
范奎覺得自己可能會在那瞬間死去一點點，但至少他是被愛著的。

Or maybe he was just dramatic. Even better.
又或者他只是太戲劇化了。這樣更好。

//

The pleasure stayed in his bloodstream, sticking onto his bones, even on the morning after as Beomgyu found himself sitting by the huge window. He was wearing the shirt Soobin was wearing the night before, letting it stay unbuttoned, hanging loose over his smaller frame as he gazed out at the city below. 
愉悅感仍在他的血液中流淌，附著在他的骨頭上，甚至在隔天早晨，范奎發現自己坐在大窗邊時也是如此。他穿著秀彬前一晚穿的那件襯衫，任由鈕扣敞開，衣服鬆垮地掛在他較小的身軀上，他凝視著下方的城市。

There were a lot of thoughts, a lot of insecurity, and mostly fear. The fear that he had asked for too much from Soobin, and the leader was only tolerating him. The fear that everything they felt, it was only because of the sex. 
思緒紛雜，滿是不安，更多的是恐懼。他害怕自己向秀彬索求太多，而隊長只是在容忍他。害怕他們之間的一切感受，都只是因為性。

And then Soobin joined him on the floor, caging him from behind with his arms, and breathing him in with his face pressed to his neck. 
然後秀彬也在地板上挨著他坐下，從背後用雙臂環抱住他，臉頰貼著他的頸窩深深呼吸。

Beomgyu felt at home. 
範奎感覺像回到家一樣安心。

“You’re thinking so loudly, so early in the morning,” came Soobin’s low voice, as he nuzzled into the warmth of Beomgyu’s neck.
「一大早的，你的心思吵得我睡不著。」秀彬低沉的嗓音傳來，同時把臉埋進範奎溫暖的頸窩磨蹭。

The neck that he littered with his marks the night prior. Beomgyu didn’t think that the declaration of love would come with a lot of biting on its wake. He was still considering whether he was regretting it or not. The bite mark on his wrist still stung as he thought about it. 
他前一晚在他頸部留下的那些印記。范奎沒想到愛的告白會伴隨著這麼多咬痕。他還在思考自己是否後悔這件事。當他想起手腕上的咬痕時，那處仍隱隱作痛。

“Just… wondering. What if we never started kissing in the first place, would we still fall for each other in that tiny room of ours? Is it because of all the kisses and sex?”
「只是… 好奇。如果我們一開始就沒有接吻，在那個小房間裡我們還會愛上彼此嗎？是因為那些吻和性嗎？」

“Stupid,” Soobin said, sinking his teeth once more into Beomgyu’s neck and eliciting a tiny yelp from the younger, along with a slap on his bare thigh. 
「笨蛋，」秀彬說著，再次在范奎的脖子上咬了一口，惹得對方發出一聲小小的驚叫，還往他光裸的大腿拍了一巴掌。

“Really! I’m also wondering when it all changed, too. How did our platonic kisses turn into romantic ones? Did it even change? Is there a difference?”
「真的！我也在想這一切是什麼時候改變的。我們原本純友誼的親吻怎麼變成浪漫的吻了？真的有改變嗎？這其中有什麼差別嗎？」

As he was squeezed around his waist, Beomgyu had to shut up. 
范奎被摟住腰時，不得不閉上嘴。

“When I heard you said you loved me back in the living room that night, I thought it was because of the sex, but I wanted it to be true,” Soobin said, his voice dripping with sincerity. “But you started acting weird, avoiding me, and I thought you didn’t want me anymore after that. You might finally got bored or something.”
「那天晚上在客廳聽你說你也愛我時，我以為是因為我們做了那檔事，但我希望那是真的，」秀彬的聲音充滿真摯。「但你開始表現得很奇怪，躲著我，我以為你之後就不想要我了。你可能終於覺得膩了還是什麼的。」

“I thought you ignored me on purpose!” Beomgyu gasped, slapping the arm that was crossed over his abdomen. Soobin hissed at the sting. “Honestly, I get you. I still can’t believe what you said last night too, what if it only happened because of the high of the sex?”
「我還以為你是故意不理我！」范奎倒抽一口氣，拍打那隻橫在他腹部的手臂。秀彬被這記拍打痛得嘶了一聲。「老實說我懂你。我到現在還是不敢相信你昨晚說的話，萬一那只是因為做愛時太嗨才脫口而出的呢？」

“Do you want me to show you how I do my romantic kiss, then? Maybe you can judge on your own,” the leader offered, finally lifting his head from where he hid it. 
「那要我示範一下我的浪漫之吻嗎？或許你可以自己評判看看，」隊長終於從埋頭的地方抬起頭來，提議道。

He still looked sleepy when Beomgyu shifted in his arms, turning his head to face him. Yet he looked so ready, it made him want to challenge. “Show me, then.”
他仍帶著睡意，當范奎在他懷裡動了動，轉過頭面對他時。然而他看起來如此準備就緒，這讓范奎想挑戰看看。「那就證明給我看啊。」

The kiss came as a fleeting one, a brush of lips against his own, then a quick smooch that might be cute if only Beomgyu was not trying to figure out the mystery. He was being kissed over and over, one for each word that escaped Soobin’s lips. 
這個吻來得短暫，先是唇瓣輕觸，接著快速一啄——如果范奎不是正試圖解開謎團的話，或許會覺得很可愛。他不停被親吻著，每當秀彬說出一個字，就落下一個吻。

“I love you, stupid.”
「我愛你，笨蛋。」

“Hey!” he whined, shoving Soobin by his cheek eventually because he could feel the flush in his cheeks. How humiliating. Soobin grabbed his hand, pressing a kiss where he left his bite mark on the inside of Beomgyu’s wrist the previous night. 
「喂！」他抱怨著，最後還是用手推開了秀彬的臉頰，因為他能感覺到自己的臉頰發燙。真是太丟臉了。秀彬抓住他的手，在他昨晚在範奎手腕內側留下的咬痕處親了一下。

“I love you.”  「我愛你。」

He turned his back towards the elder, shrinking into himself and burying his burning face inside his palms “Shut up!” 
他轉身背對年長者，縮成一團，把發燙的臉埋進手掌裡。「閉嘴啦！」

“I’m going to tell you seventeen times before breakfast, since your head seems too thick for the information to get in.”
「我要在早餐前告訴你十七次，因為你的腦袋似乎太遲鈍了，根本聽不進去。」

God. Beomgyu didn’t sign up for this.
天啊。范奎可沒答應要這樣。

//

He figured the answer, okay. There was no difference between the two kinds of kisses to begin with.
他明白了答案，好吧。這兩種吻從一開始就沒有什麼不同。

Unlike what Taehyun implied, there didn’t need to be any line between the two. Beomgyu was still thankful for Taehyun and his big brain for suggesting that, just so he could put his feelings into words. Or else, the two of them would still be dancing around each other by now, pretending that there was nothing behind the kisses they shared daily.
不像泰賢暗示的那樣，他們之間根本不需要任何界線。範奎依然很感謝泰賢和他那聰明的腦袋提出這個建議，這樣他才能將自己的感受化為言語。否則，他們現在可能還在彼此身邊兜圈子，假裝每天分享的那些親吻背後沒有任何意義。

Friends do not kiss each other, and they do not have sex casually.
朋友之間不會親吻對方，也不會隨便發生性關係。

Still, he was thankful for his own silly idea that started this whole thing. In contrary to popular beliefs, perhaps it was okay to come up with stupid ideas at times. 
不過，他還是很感謝自己那個愚蠢的點子開啟了這一切。與普遍認知相反，或許偶爾冒出些傻主意也沒什麼不好。