SAVING HIM
拯救他

CAPTIVATED BY ROMANCE COLLABORATION
被浪漫合作所吸引

SARA HURST
萨拉·赫斯特

CONTENTS
内容

Trigger Warnings
触发警告

Author’s Note
作者注

Team Members
团队成员

SEAL Team Glossary
海豹突击队术语表

Chapter 1
第一章

Chapter 2
第二章

Chapter 3
第三章

Chapter 4
第四章

Chapter 5
第五章

Chapter 6
第6章

Chapter 7
第七章

Chapter 8
第8章

Chapter 9
第9章

Chapter 10
第10章

Chapter 11
第十一章

Chapter 12
第12章

Chapter 13
第13章

Chapter 14
第14章

Chapter 15
第15章

Chapter 16
第16章

Chapter 17
第17章

Epilogue
结语

Captivated by Romance Collaboration
被浪漫合作所吸引

Acknowledgments
确认

Also By Sara Hurst
同样作者：萨拉·赫斯特

About the Author
关于作者

Saving Him
拯救他

First Edition
初版

Copyright © 2023 by Sara Hurst
版权所有 © 2023 萨拉·赫斯特

All rights reserved.
版权所有。

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher. It is illegal to copy this book, post it to a website, or distribute it by any other means without permission.
未经出版商书面许可，不得以任何形式或任何方式（电子、机械、影印、录音、扫描或其他方式）复制、存储或传输本出版物的任何部分。未经许可，复制本书、发布到网站或以任何其他方式分发本书都是违法的。

This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters, and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.
这部小说完全是一部虚构作品。其中刻画的名字、人物和事件都是作者想象的作品。与真实人物、活着的或死去的事件或地点的任何相似之处完全是巧合。

This is a work of fiction that includes sexually explicit language and situations. All characters portrayed in sexual situations are 18 or older.
这是一部包含露骨色情语言和情境的小说作品。所有在性场合中描绘的角色均年满 18 岁。

Sara Hurst asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.
萨拉·赫斯特 （Sara Hurst） 主张被认定为这部作品的作者的道德权利。

Designations used by companies to distinguish their products are often claimed as trademarks. All brand names and product names used in this book and on its cover are trade names, service marks, trademarks, and registered trademarks of their respective owners. The publishers and the book are not associated with any product or vendor mentioned in this book. None of the companies referenced within the book have endorsed the book.
公司用来区分其产品的名称通常被声称为商标。本书及其封面中使用的所有品牌名称和产品名称均为其各自所有者的商品名称、服务标志、商标和注册商标。出版商和本书与本书中提到的任何产品或供应商无关。书中提到的公司都没有认可这本书。

Editing/Interior Formatting: CPR Editing
编辑/内部格式：心肺复苏术编辑

Created with Vellum
用牛皮纸制成

TRIGGER WARNINGS
触发警告

Enemy combatants
敌方战斗人员

POW
战俘

Torture
折磨

Remembered physical child abuse
记忆中的身体虐待儿童

Explicit language
露骨语言

Explicit sexual scenes
露骨的性爱场面

Explicit warfare scenes
露骨的战争场面

MFM sexual scenes
MFM 性爱场面

This book is dedicated to all the men and women who bravely volunteer to serve our country. You are loved and appreciated. This country and its people owe you a great debt. One we as a nation could do more to repay.
这本书献给所有勇敢地自愿为国家服务的男男女女。你被爱和欣赏。这个国家和它的人民欠你一笔巨大的债。作为一个国家，我们可以做更多的事情来回报。

AUTHOR’S NOTE
作者注

I’m hugely patriotic. I have mad respect for those who volunteer to serve our country. I come from a long line of service members. There’s been a member of my family in every war this nation has ever fought in.
我非常爱国。我对那些自愿为我们国家服务的人怀有疯狂的敬意。我来自一长串军人。这个国家参加过的每一场战争中都有我的家人。

Serving our country was my dream job, but due to things beyond my control, I was unable to fulfill that dream. So I pivoted—or, as the USMC would say, adapted and overcame—I found a different way to serve.
为国家服务是我梦想的工作，但由于我无法控制的事情，我无法实现这个梦想。所以我转向——或者，正如美国海军陆战队所说，适应和克服——我找到了一种不同的服务方式。

As a social worker, I have worked with several different populations, but working to house homeless veterans was one of the most rewarding and fulfilling positions I have ever held professionally. It was my way of serving.
作为一名社会工作者，我曾与几个不同的人群合作过，但为无家可归的退伍军人提供住房是我担任过的职业职位中最有价值和最有成就感的职位之一。这是我的服务方式。

Now for the info you need…
现在，您需要的信息...

Please be sure you look through the Team Members and SEAL Team Glossary pages that immediately follows. They will be invaluable as you read this book.
请务必浏览紧随其后的团队成员和海豹突击队术语表页面。当您阅读本书时，它们将是无价的。

Also, the characters in this book are southern. They have a certain way of saying things, such as Goddammit, for example, that may appear to be misspellings. They are not typos. They are slang terms spelled the way they’re said.
此外，这本书中的人物是南方人。他们有某种说法，例如，该死的，可能看起来是拼写错误。它们不是拼写错误。它们是俚语，拼写方式相同。

With that said, everyone is human and while this book has been edited and read by many before being published, a typo or error could have been missed. If you see an error or typo, please do not report the book to Amazon. Please message me directly either through social media or email. My email is sarahurstwrites@gmail.com and my social media links can be found at https://subscribepages.io/SaraHurst.
话虽如此，每个人都是人，虽然这本书在出版前已经被许多人编辑和阅读，但可能会遗漏拼写错误或错误。如果您看到错误或拼写错误，请不要向亚马逊报告该图书。请通过社交媒体或电子邮件直接给我留言。我的电子邮件已 sarahurstwrites@gmail.com，我的社交媒体链接可以在 https://subscribepages.io/SaraHurst 找到。

TEAM MEMBERS
团队成员

ALPHA TEAM
阿尔法团队

Lieutenant Foster Holt
福斯特·霍尔特中尉

Senior Chief Adam DuBois
高级主管亚当·杜波依斯

Chief Petty Officer Brock Jones
首席士官布洛克·琼斯

Chief Petty Officer Finlay Ryan
军士长芬利·瑞安

Petty Officer Second Class James Pearson
二等士官詹姆斯·皮尔逊

Petty Officer Second Class Carson Wilcox
二等士官卡森·威尔科克斯

Petty Officer First Class Alex Madison
一级士官亚历克斯·麦迪逊

Petty Officer First Class Eric Duncan
一级士官埃里克·邓肯

SEAL TEAM GLOSSARY
海豹突击队术语表

AO - Area of operations
AO - 运营区域

Brass - Naval Command
黄铜 - 海军司令部

BUD/S - Basic Underwater Demolition/SEAL Training. BUD/S is the 26-week basic course of SEAL instruction. Described in the military lexicon as “demanding physically and mentally,” dropout rates of 80-90% are not uncommon. It is the crucible in which SEALS are made.
BUD/S - 基本水下爆破/海豹突击队训练。BUD/S 是为期 26 周的海豹突击队教学基础课程。在军事词典中被描述为“对身体和精神都要求很高”，80-90% 的辍学率并不少见。它是制造 SEALS 的坩埚。

Burn In - As a verb, it describes a parachute malfunction. A total burn-in usually results in a bad case of "dirt poisoning.”
烧录 - 作为动词，它描述了降落伞故障。完全烧屏通常会导致严重的“污垢中毒”。

CACO - Casualty Assistance Calls Officer
CACO - 伤员援助呼叫官

Cake Eater - Derogatory term for Navy officers. They are nicknamed because they have “cushy desk jobs” and aren’t on the front lines taking fire.
吃蛋糕的人 - 对海军军官的贬义词。他们之所以被昵称为“舒适的办公桌工作”，而且不在前线开火。

Charlie Mike - Continuing Mission
查理·迈克 - 持续使命

COD - Call of Duty
COD - 使命召唤

DevGru - Naval Special Warfare Developmental Group, also known as SEAL Team Six.
DevGru - 海军特种作战发展小组，也称为海豹突击队六队。

DOD - Department of Defense
DOD - 国防部

Double Tap - 2 quick gunshots typically to the chest at center mass, a.k.a the heart or the head.
双击 - 2 次快速枪击，通常射向胸部中心质量，又名心脏或头部。

DUSTWUN - Duty Status: Whereabouts Unknown
DUSTWUN - 任务状态：下落不明

RTB - Return to Base
RTB - 返回基地

E&E Kit - Escape and Evade Kit. There are standard items, but most people customize them to fit their needs and area of operation.
E&E 套件 - 逃生和躲避套件。有标准项目，但大多数人会根据自己的需求和作领域进行定制。

Exfil - Exfiltration
Exfil - 渗透

Frog Hog - A female SEAL groupie
青蛙猪 - 雌性海豹突击队追星族

Frogman - A nickname for Navy SEAL
蛙人 - 海豹突击队的昵称

HAHO - High Altitude, High Opening. A method of parachute insertion where a ram-air parachute, opened at altitude, is flown toward the target. Great distances can be covered by this method.
HAHO - 高海拔，高开口。一种降落伞插入方法，其中在高空打开的冲压空气降落伞向目标飞行。这种方法可以覆盖很远的距离。

HALO - High Altitude, Low Opening. Converse of above on exiting high, the parachute is deployed at a low altitude directly over the target.
光环 - 高海拔，低开口。与上述相反，在高空退出时，降落伞直接在目标上方的低空展开。

HooYah - Class frogman yell. ("HooYah, HooYah, HooYah, HEY! Today's gonna be another easy day!")
HooYah - 班级蛙人大喊大叫。（“呼耶，呼耶，呼耶，嘿！今天又会是轻松的一天！

HUMINT - Human Intelligence
HUMINT - 人类智能

HVT - High-Value Target
HVT - 高价值靶标

IC - In charge. Preceded by a number shows team hierarchy. Ex. - 1IC = Team Leader, 2IC = 2nd in charge, etc.
IC - 负责。前面的数字表示团队层次结构。例如- 1IC = 组长，2IC = 第二负责人，依此类推。

Infil - Infiltration
渗透 - 渗透

ISR - Intelligence, Surveillance, and Reconnaissance
ISR - 情报、监视和侦察

J-Bad - What the Forward Operating Base in Jalalabad, Afghanistan is called.
J-Bad - 阿富汗贾拉拉巴德的前沿作战基地叫什么。

JSOC - Joint Special Operations Command
联合特种作战司令部 - 联合特种作战司令部

K-Bar - Navy issue diving and fighting knife. Also called the “rusty trusty.”
K-Bar - 海军配发的潜水和战斗刀。也称为“生锈的信赖”。

Klick - One kilometer. Roughly 0.62 miles
Klick - 一公里。大约 0.62 英里

Lima Charlie - Loud & Clear
利马查理 - 响亮而清晰

Little Creek - US Navy base in Virginia Beach
小溪 - 美国海军在弗吉尼亚海滩的基地

NOK - Next of Kin
NOK - 近亲

Op - A special warfare operation
Op - 特种作战行动

Oscar Mike - On the Move or On Mission
奥斯卡·迈克 - 在移动中或执行任务

PCS - Permanent Change of Station
PCS - 永久更换车站

POS - Position
POS - 位置

QRF - US Marine Quick Reaction Force
QRF - 美国海军陆战队快速反应部队

RDC - Recruit Division Coordinator
RDC - 新兵部门协调员

SIGINT - Signal Intelligence
SIGINT - 信号情报

Smooth Dog - As a noun, a slick-talking womanizer. As a verb, it means to talk your way out of a tough situation.
Smooth Dog - 作为名词，一个能说话的好色之徒。作为动词，它的意思是用语言摆脱困境。

Strap - Someone along for the ride on an operation who is not a Tier One Operator or a member of the primary SEAL team assigned to the operation.
绑带 - 参加行动的人不是一级作员或分配给该行动的海豹突击队主要小组成员。

Tangos - Target
探戈 - 目标

Tinnitus - Ringing in the ears
耳鸣 - 耳鸣

The Teams - The Navy Special Warfare Community.
团队 - 海军特种作战社区。

TOC - Tactical Operations Center. This can have its own call sign, depending on the mission.
TOC - 战术作战中心。这可以有自己的呼号，具体取决于任务。

TTP - The Pakistani Taliban. The organization was originally named the Tehreek-e-Taliban-e-Pakistan. Various Islamist armed militant groups operating along the Afghan–Pakistani border fall under their umbrella. Their goal is to remove power from the Pakistani government and military in Islamabad and Khyber Pakhtunkhwa Province.
TTP - 巴基斯坦塔利班。该组织最初名为 Tehreek-e-Taliban-e-Pakistan。在阿富汗-巴基斯坦边境活动的各种伊斯兰武装激进组织都属于他们的保护伞。他们的目标是从伊斯兰堡和开伯尔-普赫图赫瓦省的巴基斯坦政府和军队手中夺走权力。

Vah Beach - A common nickname for Virginia Beach.
瓦海滩 - 弗吉尼亚海滩的常见昵称。

Winchester - Out of ammunition or almost out of ammunition. The term comes from the single-shot lever action of a Winchester firearm.
温彻斯特 - 弹药耗尽或几乎耗尽弹药。该术语来自温彻斯特枪支的单发杠杆动作。

Zodiac - A type of boat SEALs use
十二生肖 - 海豹突击队使用的一种船

CHAPTER 1
第一章

ADAM
亚当

SUMMER 2009
2009年夏季

“Alpha One, this is Alpha Two. I have northern overwatch. How copy?” I requested confirmation.
“阿尔法一号，这是阿尔法二号。我有北方守望先锋。怎么复制？我请求确认。

“Strong copy, Alpha Two. Alpha team in position to breach,” Alpha One replied.
“强副本，阿尔法二号。阿尔法小队处于突破位置，“阿尔法一号回答道。

Alpha One was Foster Holt. He’d joined the team recently, and at first, I had worried about the fit. Legacies either went one way or the other. Foster definitely went the good way.
阿尔法一号是福斯特·霍尔特。他最近才加入团队，起初，我担心是否合适。遗产要么以一种方式发展，要么以另一种方式发展。福斯特绝对走了一条好路。

I’d wanted the job myself. Badly. I understood Mercer and the command’s decision. Foster had more time and a hell of a lot more experience, and…well, you couldn’t discount the fact that his daddy was one of the first SEALs ever. All that notwithstanding, he was shaping up to be a damn good team leader. So much so that the initial anger I’d felt at being passed over was burning out after being spun up and walking outside the wire with him.
我自己也想要这份工作。严重。我理解默瑟和指挥部的决定。福斯特有更多的时间和更多的经验，而且......好吧，你不能忽视这样一个事实，即他的父亲是有史以来最早的海豹突击队成员之一。尽管如此，他正在成为一名该死的优秀团队领导者。以至于我最初对被忽视的愤怒在被旋转并和他一起走出电线后燃烧殆尽。

“Bravo team in position to breach. How copy?” Finlay Ryan, Alpha Four, reported.
“Bravo 团队处于突破位置。怎么复制？芬利·瑞安，阿尔法四号，报道。

“Strong copy, Bravo team,” Foster replied.
“强大的副本，Bravo 团队，”福斯特回答道。

“Alpha Six has southern overwatch. How copy?”
“阿尔法六号有南方的守望者。怎么复制？

“Strong copy, Six.” I checked my scope. “TOC, this is Alpha Two. How copy?”
“强文案，六号。”我检查了我的范围。“TOC，这是阿尔法二号。怎么复制？

The radio crackled in my ear.
收音机在我耳边噼啪作响。

“Lima Charlie, Alpha Two. Strong copy all around. You are cleared hot. Repeat. You’re cleared hot,” Commander Mercer replied.
“利马查理，阿尔法二号。到处都是强文案。你被清除了。重复。你已经被清除了，“默瑟指挥官回答道。

I took a deep breath. I’d been tapped by Foster to oversee this op since he was still getting the lay of the team. It wasn’t the first I’d ever led, but something about this one felt more significant.
我深吸了一口气。福斯特邀请我来监督这个行动，因为他还在了解团队的状况。这不是我第一次领导，但这次的某些东西感觉更重要。

“You guys heard that. Breach on my mark.” I checked my scope again, and then my watch. The seconds ticked down. “Three, two, one. Execute. Execute. Execute.”
“你们听到了。突破我的标记。我再次检查了我的瞄准镜，然后检查了我的手表。时间一分一秒地流逝。“三、二、一。执行。执行。执行。

I was too far away to hear the boys breach the building, so I eagle-eyed the site, watching the building for anything out of the ordinary. I swept the site and the surroundings over and over. The area was supposed to be a hotbed, but this was as cold as a witch’s tit in the dead of winter. Not a single fucking squirter.
我离得太远了，听不到男孩们闯入大楼的声音，所以我敏锐地观察着这座大楼是否有任何异常。我一遍又一遍地扫过现场和周围环境。该地区本应是温床，但这里却像严冬时节的女巫的山雀一样寒冷。没有一个他妈的潮吹者。

I did another sweep. Everything was silent. Still. Eerily so. So much so, the hair on the back of my neck—hell, on my whole damn body—stood on end.
我又做了一次扫荡。一切都很寂静。还。出奇地如此。以至于，我脖子后面的头发——见鬼，我该死的整个身体——都竖了起来。

“Alpha Six, check in,” I called. Something was off. I knew it. I could feel it in my bones.
“阿尔法六号，办理入住手续，”我喊道。有些不对劲。我就知道。我能从骨子里感觉到。

“All clear, Alpha Two. Too clear. Over.”
“一切都清楚了，阿尔法二号。太清楚了。结束了。

Alpha Six was Carson Wilcox. He was our best sniper, but covering a field this size, we’d drawn straws as to who would help him. I’d pulled the short one.
阿尔法六号是卡森·威尔科克斯。他是我们最好的狙击手，但覆盖这么大的场地，我们已经为谁会帮助他画了一根稻草。我拉了短的。

Fucking short straw.
他妈的短稻草。

I fucking hated doing overwatch, but we were a team. 2IC or not, I took teamwork seriously. Plus, I had confidence in both Foster and Rocket. They could handle their shit with or without me, even if I was used to being one of the ones busting through doors. We’d been training for this shit with Foster from the moment he took over. So, even though this was our first trip outside the wire with him, I knew we were humming like a well-oiled machine.
我他妈的讨厌做守望先锋，但我们是一个团队。无论是否是 2IC，我都认真对待团队合作。另外，我对福斯特和火箭都有信心。无论有没有我，他们都可以处理他们的狗屎，即使我习惯了成为破门而入的人之一。从福斯特接手的那一刻起，我们就一直在和他一起训练这个狗屎。所以，尽管这是我们第一次和他一起走出电线，但我知道我们像一台运转良好的机器一样嗡嗡作响。

Another sweep through the scope, and I said, “Roger that, Alpha Six…”
又扫过了瞄准镜，我说，“罗杰，阿尔法六号......”

I shut my trap and turned my radio down to a whisper. There was someone or something out there. I stilled my breath, listening for the slightest sound.
我关上陷阱，把收音机调低，低声说。那里有人或某事。我屏住呼吸，听着最轻微的声音。

There it was. A noise. A small one. Just a tiny rustle. Whoever it was, they were damn good. It was hard as fuck to move silently in this terrain.
就在那里。噪音。一个小的。只是一声微小的沙沙声。不管是谁，他们都该死的好。在这种地形上安静地移动真是太难了。

I keyed the distress signal on my mic, slowly pulled my sidearm, and waited. Moving was out of the question, but I was a sitting duck with my back exposed. I was damned if I did or damned if I didn’t at this point.
我按下麦克风上的求救信号，慢慢地拉动我的随身武器，等待着。搬家是不可能的，但我是一只裸露背部的坐鸭子。如果我这样做了，我就会被诅咒，如果我不这样做，我就会被诅咒。

The team chattered in my ear to TOC. The HVT was not on site.
团队在我耳边喋喋不休地对着 TOC。HVT 不在现场。

A fucking trap. That’s what this is.
一个他妈的陷阱。这就是这个。

A rustle of sand under someone’s feet sounded again, this time at five o’clock. Then another off to the left at nine.
某人脚下的沙沙声再次响起，这次是在五点钟。然后在九点左边又跑了一圈。

Motherfucker. They’ve got me surrounded.
混蛋。他们把我包围了。

I glanced first to the right. The guy to that side was still out of my sight line. I chanced a look to the left, and a figure on the edge of my field of vision moved there, sneaking up on me. I keyed my mic again, rolled, and fired.
我先向右看了一眼。那边的那个人还在我的视线之外。我偶然向左看了一眼，我视野边缘的一个人影移动到那里，偷偷地向我走来。我再次按下麦克风，滚动，然后开火。

My side caught fire, just under my vest, as I watched my double tap to drop the guy at five o’clock to the ground. Ignoring the pain, I rolled and fired again. Nine o’clock dropped too. I reached for my M4.
我的侧面着火了，就在我的背心下面，当我看着我双击将五点钟的家伙摔倒在地时。我不顾疼痛，翻滚并再次开枪。九点钟也下降了。我伸手去拿我的 M4。

Pain detonated throughout my chest, robbing me of my breath. A round struck my vest center mass. It didn’t penetrate, though. I would’ve been dead if it had.
疼痛在我的胸膛中引爆，夺走了我的呼吸。一发子弹击中了我的背心中心。不过，它没有穿透。如果是这样，我早就死了。

I staggered to my feet, but another shot burned through my outer thigh. I fired in the direction that round came from, advancing with each shot. They might take me—and I knew that was the plan, because otherwise they would’ve and could’ve dropped me without giving away their position. So, yeah, they might capture my ass, but I would take a few of the fuckers out before they got their hands on me.
我踉踉跄跄地站起来，但另一枪却烧穿了我的大腿外侧。我朝那发子弹的方向开枪，每一发子弹都在前进。他们可能会带走我——我知道这就是计划，否则他们会而且可能会在不放弃他们的职位的情况下放弃我。所以，是的，他们可能会抓住我的屁股，但我会在他们抓住我之前把几个混蛋干掉。

I advanced on two more of my would-be captors, taking one out just as my knees were cut out from under me. I pulled my K-bar, sinking it deep into the thigh of the guy behind me. I twisted it as I pulled it free, slicing it across his throat as he fell forward.
我又向两个可能绑架的人前进，在我的膝盖从我身下被割掉时，我干掉了一个。我拉动我的 K 杆，将它深深地插入我身后那个人的大腿里。我一边扭动它，一边把它拉出来，当他向前倒下时，它划过他的喉咙。

I attempted to get to my feet again, but the muzzle of an AK was thrust into my face, stopping me in my tracks.
我试图再次站起来，但 AK 的枪口被刺到了我的脸上，让我停下了脚步。

The suck exploded. That’s for damn sure.
吸吮爆炸了。这是肯定的。

Then everything went dark.
然后一切都变暗了。

I “came to,” if you could call it that. I hadn’t been knocked out, at least not completely, but my awareness had diminished a bit, but I had still been able to see and hear what was happening around me.
我“来到了”，如果你可以这么称呼它的话。我没有被击倒，至少没有完全被击倒，但我的意识已经减弱了一点，但我仍然能够看到和听到周围发生的事情。

My awareness spiked as my head bounced off whatever I was lying on. I tried to sit up, and this time, I bounced my head off whatever was above me. Feeling around me, I came to the sudden and scary realization that I was in a box. A motherfucking box.
当我的头从我躺着的任何东西上弹开时，我的意识飙升。我试着坐起来，这一次，我的头从我头顶上的任何东西上弹了起来。感觉到周围，我突然而可怕地意识到我身处一个盒子里。一个他妈的盒子。

I’m a man in a box.
我是一个盒子里的人。

I laughed ruefully. If that didn’t fucking take the cake. It’s one of my favorite songs, thanks to Rocket, who played the damned thing incessantly. Now, I was the epitome of the man in the box, and they were blaring that fucking song at me.
我遗憾地笑了起来。如果这他妈的没有拿蛋糕的话。这是我最喜欢的歌曲之一，这要归功于 Rocket，他不停地演奏这该死的东西。现在，我是包厢里那个人的缩影，他们对着我大声唱着那该死的歌。

Irony fucking sucks. I’m just saying.
讽刺他妈的很糟糕。我只是说。

Mixed with the music was a cacophony of ear-piercing sounds—a woman screaming, a baby crying, and Muslim prayers. The combination was enough to make your teeth rattle and your bones ache. They’d learned this from the shit televised about what the U.S. had done to Noriega all those years ago. We used it because it was fucking effective. The same reason they stole it.
与音乐混合在一起的是刺耳的刺耳声音——一个女人的尖叫声、一个婴儿的哭声和穆斯林的祈祷声。这种组合足以让你的牙齿嘎嘎作响，骨头疼痛。他们是从电视转播的关于美国多年前对诺列加做了什么的狗屎中了解到这一点的。我们使用它是因为它他妈的有效。他们偷走它的原因也是一样的。

It drove you crazy, being unable to escape the constant blaring sounds. I was slowly losing my goddamn mind.
它让你发疯，无法逃脱持续不断的刺耳声音。我慢慢地失去了我该死的理智。

I closed my eyes, allowing calm to wash over me like standing in the rain during a summer shower on the farm back in Tennessee. The water was warm, soft, gentle, and refreshing, cooling you off as you lifted your face to the sun. The heat and light lifted you like nothing else ever could.
我闭上眼睛，让平静笼罩着我，就像在田纳西州农场的夏日阵雨中站在雨中一样。水温暖、柔软、温和、清爽，当你把脸抬到阳光下时，你会感到凉爽。热量和光线以前所未有的方式提升了你。

A deep breath in and out. Then I did it again. I opened my eyes back up to my current personal hell.
深吸一口气。然后我又做了一次。我睁开眼睛，重新看到了我目前的个人地狱。

I looked around the space they’d stowed me in, and for one of the few times in my life, I was happy I wasn’t a behemoth like Brock and some others in the teams. Yes, I was built like a brick outhouse, but I barely brushed six feet, whereas Rocket was nearly half a foot taller.
我环顾了他们把我存放在的空间，这是我一生中为数不多的一次，我很高兴我不像布洛克和团队中的其他一些人那样是一个庞然大物。是的，我像一个砖砌的外屋，但我几乎没有刷到六英尺，而火箭则高了将近半英尺。

Thank God Rocket wasn’t the one taken.
谢天谢地，火箭不是被带走的人。

Brock had been my best friend since we met on the way to Basic. He’d annoyed the shit out of me, but after a few days—yes, they’d even bunked us together—I’d realized his constant rattling was due to him having ADHD.
自从我们在去 Basic 的路上认识以来，Brock 一直是我最好的朋友。他把我惹恼了，但几天后——是的，他们甚至把我们挤在一起——我意识到他不断的嘎嘎声是由于他患有多动症。

Realized. He told me. Same difference.
实现。他告诉我。同样的区别。

That didn’t mean it was any easier to deal with on some days—and in some cases, some hours because, fuck, Rocket could be a lot to deal with. Most of the time, he had the attention span of a two-year-old on an Easter Basket with a massive chocolate bunny high, but he had slowly become my right hand. We’d even somehow managed to make it into BUD/S together.
这并不意味着在某些日子里处理起来更容易——在某些情况下，有些小时，因为，他妈的，火箭可能有很多事情要处理。大多数时候，他的注意力就像一个两岁的孩子在复活节篮子上，拿着一只巨大的巧克力兔子，但他已经慢慢变成了我的得力助手。我们甚至以某种方式设法一起进入了 BUD/S。

I took a few deep breaths and let my thoughts of my swim buddy fall away. I needed to get my shit together and figure out how to get myself out of this damn mess.
我深吸了几口气，让我对我的游泳伙伴的思绪消失了。我需要整理好我的狗屎，想办法让自己摆脱这个该死的烂摊子。

The box was made entirely of corrugated metal like a shipping container, but it was a miniature version. I could sit straight, with my back to the short side, and stretch my legs out in front of me. I could even lie down on my side with my legs drawn up toward my chest, but that was about it. There wasn’t much wiggle room.
这个盒子完全由波纹金属制成，就像一个集装箱，但它是一个微型版本。我可以坐直，背对着短边，然后将双腿伸到身前。我甚至可以侧躺，双腿向胸前拉，但仅此而已。没有太多回旋余地。

I lay down and rolled onto my belly, then finagled my way toward the end they’d shoved me into. The fuckers had thrown me in so hard I’d hit my head. Hard. Luckily, I’d not been knocked out. It had been close, though. My vision had gone wonky for a bit.
我躺下，趴在地上，然后小心翼翼地走向他们把我推入的尽头。那些混蛋把我扔进去，我都撞到了头。硬。幸运的是，我没有被击倒。不过，它已经很接近了。我的视力有点不稳定了。

When I finally reached where the door to the box was, I felt all around, slowly cataloging every groove.
当我终于到达盒子的门所在的地方时，我感觉到周围，慢慢地对每一个凹槽进行分类。

Nothing!
无！

“Fuck,” I growled under my breath.
“操，”我低声咆哮。

There was absolutely nothing that distinguished itself as a latch or hinges. I turned myself back around the way they’d put me in. Along the way, I did the same thing with the side wall. Still nothing.
绝对没有什么能像闩锁或铰链一样与众不同。我把自己转回了他们把我放进去的方式。一路上，我对侧壁做了同样的事情。还是什么都没有。

I continued along the entire box, looking for any weak points or deviations that could be helpful. I found some things I would’ve liked to investigate further, but I’d have to wait until I had more light. I was sure one was a camera and a couple of things that could be speakers or metal mesh portholes.
我继续沿着整个盒子前进，寻找任何可能有帮助的弱点或偏差。我发现了一些我想进一步调查的事情，但我必须等到我有更多的光线。我确信其中一个是相机和一些东西，可能是扬声器或金属网舷窗。

It had been just approaching dusk when we’d been attacked, and I’d been grabbed from my overwatch position. My team wouldn’t think I’d deserted, but I didn’t know how they’d come through the firefight. We’d definitely been outnumbered. At least my sniper spot had been, but I didn’t think there were enough people left after I’d been tossed into the vehicle that I had to be overly worried about them being overrun.
我们遭到袭击时刚刚接近黄昏，我被从守望者的位置上抓住了。我的团队不会认为我开小差了，但我不知道他们是如何度过交火的。我们绝对寡不敌众。至少我的狙击手位置是，但我认为在我被扔进车里后，剩下的人还不够多，我不得不过度担心他们被占领。

Let him be okay. Please let them all be okay.
让他没事吧。请让他们都没事。

They’d taken my dive watch, so I wasn’t sure exactly what time it was, but I knew it couldn’t be daybreak yet. I usually had a great sense of time; if I wasn’t mistaken, it was after 0300. Since it was still most likely dark outside, I’d have to wait until the sun came up to see if there were any weaknesses I couldn’t feel.
他们拿走了我的潜水表，所以我不确定现在是几点，但我知道现在还不是天亮。我通常对时间有很强的感觉;如果我没记错的话，那是在 0300 之后。由于外面很可能还是很黑的，我必须等到太阳升起，看看是否有任何我感觉不到的弱点。

As much as I didn’t want to remain in this damn box for another few hours, I knew the alternative was worse. And by worse, I meant it was going to fucking suck.
尽管我不想在这个该死的盒子里再呆几个小时，但我知道另一种选择更糟糕。更糟糕的是，我的意思是它会他妈的很糟糕。

They were going to do one of two things. They were going to hold me hostage, torture me, and then kill me, or they were going to hold me hostage, torture me, and use me as leverage to get something they wanted in return.
他们要做两件事之一。他们会把我扣为人质，折磨我，然后杀死我，或者他们要把我扣为人质，折磨我，并利用我作为筹码来获得他们想要的东西作为回报。

Sometimes that resulted in death as well. Only time would tell. I just needed to work the problem, and that was gather as much fucking intel as possible and find a way out.
有时这也会导致死亡。只有时间会给出答案。我只需要解决这个问题，那就是收集尽可能多的情报并找到出路。

Oh, and stay alive because dying would fucking suck, and I wasn’t ready to fucking die. I had shit left to do in this life.
哦，还要活下去，因为死了他妈的很糟糕，而且我还没有准备好他妈的死。我这辈子还剩下狗屎要做。

Voices sounded outside, coming closer and closer, pulling me from my thoughts. I stayed quiet, reminding myself of SERE training. I’d always heard that was the training you prayed you never used. I thought that about a lot of the shit we did, but SERE definitely headed up my list.
外面响起的声音越来越近，把我从思绪中拉了出来。我保持安静，提醒自己 SERE 训练。我一直听说那是你祈祷的训练，你从未使用过。我对我们所做的很多事情都这么认为，但 SERE 绝对是我的名单上的佼佼者。

The voices were so fucking close now. I could hear footsteps approaching as well. It was going to be bad. The exercises we’d been put through had taught me that. It had also taught me that my job now was to resist and escape. I just had to find the right opening.
现在声音太近了。我也能听到脚步声走近。这将很糟糕。我们所经历的练习教会了我这一点。它还教会了我，我现在的工作就是抵抗和逃避。我只需要找到合适的开口。

I scooched myself back as far into the cage as possible, making myself as small as possible without looking like I was cowering. Let them crawl their asses in here to get me. I would fuck up their world.
我把自己尽可能地塞回笼子里，让自己尽可能小，但又不显得我畏缩着。让他们把屁股爬进来抓我。我会搞砸他们的世界。

Metal raked across metal. The scraping and clanging unnerved me. I was set on edge, waiting for the box to be flooded with light as I was yanked out of this tiny-ass prison.
金属耙过金属。刮擦声和叮当声让我感到不安。我紧张不安，等待着盒子被光线淹没，因为我被从这个狭小的监狱里拉出来。

Screams filled the air. Then metal slammed against metal.
空气中弥漫着尖叫声。然后金属撞击金属。

I sighed, relieved sobs wracking my body silently. More screaming and shouting in Arabic filled the air, blended into one jumbled mess until I couldn’t make it out. The sounds, too, melded together to discern, especially as they moved away from my location.
我叹了口气，如释重负的抽泣声无声地折磨着我的身体。空气中弥漫着更多阿拉伯语的尖叫声和喊叫声，混杂成一团乱七八糟的声音，直到我听不清。这些声音也融合在一起进行辨别，尤其是当它们远离我的位置时。

Listening to those screams, their agony and terror, turned my stomach. I started praying—something I’d not done in years. I’d stopped believing in God a long time ago, but I could hear my grandmother’s voice in my head, guiding me through the prayers she said daily. Prayers to keep those she loved safe and free from harm.
听着那些尖叫声，他们的痛苦和恐惧，让我反胃。我开始祷告——这是我多年来从未做过的事情。我很久以前就不再相信上帝了，但我能在脑海中听到祖母的声音，引导我完成她每天的祈祷。祈祷保护她所爱的人安全并免受伤害。

I didn’t know if anyone was listening, and at this point, I wasn’t sure if I was praying for myself or for the person dragged away screaming their head off.
我不知道是否有人在听，此时，我不确定自己是在为自己祈祷，还是为那个尖叫着拖走的人祈祷。

I sat there for who knew how long, my knees pulled up to my chest, elbows resting on them with my head in my hands. I was relieved that I’d not been pulled out of the box, but now I wished I had been. There was no hope locked inside here.
我坐在那里不知道多久，我的膝盖拉到胸前，肘部放在膝盖上，双手抱头。我松了一口气，因为我没有被从盒子里拉出来，但现在我希望我能被拉出来。这里没有希望。

All that resided in this box was despair, and I needed to be as far away from that as fucking possible. Despair meant I was out of the fight, and that shit didn’t compute. A SEAL never gave up. He never quit. He was never out of the fucking fight.
这个盒子里只有绝望，我需要尽可能远离它。绝望意味着我退出了战斗，而那狗屎没有计算出来。海豹突击队从未放弃。他从未放弃过。他从未摆脱过这场他妈的战斗。

As hopelessness and the warrior inside me fought one another, tossing like a zodiac in rough seas, I weighed every one of my options. The only plan I could come up with was shock and awe. The problem with that plan was I was the shock and awe. The overwhelming might. Just me. I didn’t have anything at all to use as a weapon.
当绝望和我内心的战士相互争斗，像黄道十二宫一样在波涛汹涌的大海中翻腾时，我权衡了我的每一个选择。我唯一能想出的计划就是震惊和敬畏。这个计划的问题是我感到震惊和敬畏。压倒性的力量。就我自己。我根本没有任何东西可以用作武器。

My best option was to bide my time and gather some intel on the location to devise a better plan. I just wasn’t sure I could risk that. I’d never been one to wait around for things to happen. If I wanted something or felt it needed to be changed, I did what I needed to do to obtain my goal or change things. Of course, the most significant changes in my life were the ones Brock had brought about.
我最好的选择是等待时间并收集一些有关该地点的情报，以制定更好的计划。我只是不确定我能不能冒这个风险。我从来不是一个等待事情发生的人。如果我想要某样东西或觉得它需要改变，我会做我需要做的事情来实现我的目标或改变事情。当然，我生命中最重要的变化是布洛克带来的变化。

MAY 2001
2001年5月

I was on my way to Basic when I first met Brock Jones. That was the first time he changed my life. I’d enlisted in the Navy several months prior, and much to the recruiter’s frustration, I refused to sign the paperwork until I’d gotten what I wanted. A contract that guaranteed me a shot at BUD/S. I knew I probably only had one shot at making the teams, but I wouldn’t let anything get in my way.
当我第一次见到布洛克·琼斯时，我正在去 Basic 的路上。那是他第一次改变我的生活。几个月前我入伍了海军，令招募人员非常沮丧的是，在我得到我想要的东西之前，我拒绝签署文件。一份保证我有机会进入 BUD/S 的合同。我知道我可能只有一次机会进入球队，但我不会让任何事情阻碍我。

I worked my ass off for a solid year. I read everything I could get my hands on. I changed the way I slept, ate, and worked out. I watched every documentary, movie, and TV show. I sought out every vet I could find in my little-ass town. I soaked up every bit of knowledge I could.
我辛勤工作了一年。我阅读了所有我能得到的东西。我改变了我的睡眠、饮食和锻炼方式。我看过每部纪录片、电影和电视节目。我在我的小镇上寻找了我能找到的每一位兽医。我吸收了我能吸收的每一点知识。

When the time came to ship out, I was eighteen years old, still wet behind the ears, but I was determined to be a Navy SEAL and make my mark on the world. On my way to Illinois, I first met Brock “Rocket” Jones. I didn’t know how he knew I was heading to Great Lakes, too, but he’d struck up a conversation anyway.
当出海时，我已经十八岁了，耳后还湿漉漉的，但我决心成为一名海豹突击队，在世界上留下自己的印记。在前往伊利诺伊州的路上，我第一次见到了 Brock “Rocket” Jones。我不知道他怎么知道我也要去五大湖，但无论如何他还是搭讪了。

By conversation, I meant he didn’t fucking shut up the entire flight. He’d talked and talked and talked to everyone around us. I’d faked sleep on the plane. I had no desire to make nice. I didn’t need or want to make friends with the other recruits. I didn’t want anything to distract me from my goal, but when we’d been transferred to the buses, Brock had followed me into a seat, and then it was my turn to listen to him yammer on.
我所说的谈话，是说他他妈的没有让整个飞行都闭嘴。他和我们周围的每个人都说了又说。我在飞机上假装睡觉。我不想变得好。我不需要也不想和其他新兵交朋友。我不想让任何事情分散我对目标的注意力，但当我们被转移到公共汽车上时，布洛克跟着我坐到座位上，然后轮到我听他喋喋不休了。

The guy didn’t fucking shut up the entire damn trip. I wanted to ask what his malfunction was, but I figured even though I didn’t want to make friends, getting off to a bad start with someone who would be tortured alongside me was probably a bad idea.
这家伙他妈的没有让整个该死的旅行闭嘴。我想问问他的故障是什么，但我想，尽管我不想交朋友，但与一个和我一起受折磨的人有一个糟糕的开端可能是一个坏主意。

God, I fucking hope he’s not in my group.
天哪，我他妈的希望他不在我的团队中。

Maybe, he was just one of those nervous fuckers whose head rattled like the thing on my granny’s pressure cooker when she was canning. I hated the sound of that damn thing. It set my teeth on edge. Kind of like the guy next to me.
也许，他只是那些紧张的混蛋之一，当我奶奶做罐头时，他的头会嘎嘎作响。我讨厌那个该死的东西的声音。这让我紧张不安。有点像我旁边的那个人。

“Where did you say you’re from?” the rattletrap asked.
“你说你来自哪里？”

Yep. Just like Granny’s canner.
是的。就像奶奶的罐头匠一样。

I sighed, trying to keep my cool. I didn’t know why I was worried about this guy or even why he was annoying the shit out of me. Usually, guys like him didn’t get to me. It was rare anything got my feathers ruffled, but something about him set me on fucking edge.
我叹了口气，努力保持冷静。我不知道我为什么担心这个家伙，甚至不知道他为什么惹恼我。通常，像他这样的人不会找到我。很少有事情能让我感到愤怒，但他的某些东西让我他妈的紧张起来。

I glanced at him. He looked at me with his mouth open, like he was preparing to say something.
我看了他一眼。他张着嘴看着我，似乎准备说些什么。

I sighed, “I didn’t.”
我叹了口气，“我没有。

I watched as his eyes lit up. His mouth closed, but after a moment, it popped back open. I groaned under my breath.
我看着他的眼睛亮了起来。他的嘴闭上了，但过了一会儿，又张开了。我低声呻吟着。

“I’m from Memphis,” I sighed.
“我来自孟菲斯，”我叹了口气。

“Another Southern boy,” he said as he nodded as if it made us kindred spirits or some shit. “I’m from Virginia. A no-name town near Blacksburg. I’m Brock, by the way.”
“又是一个南方男孩，”他点点头说，仿佛这让我们变得志同道合或一些狗屎。“我来自弗吉尼亚州。布莱克斯堡附近的一个无名小镇。顺便说一句，我是布洛克。

“Adam.”
“亚当。”

Finally.
最后。

That one word was the only thought in my head as the bus rolled to a stop and the doors slid open.
当公共汽车停下来，车门滑开时，这个词是我脑海中唯一的想法。

“RUN! HURRY UP! LET’S GO! LET’S GO! LET’S GO!”
“快跑！快点！我们走吧！我们走吧！我们走吧！

The first commands from the RDCs scared the shit out of me. Probably because Brock hadn’t fucking shut up and had distracted me. Those commands also excited me. I’d been waiting for this day for so damn long, and it was finally here.
RDC 发出的第一声命令吓坏了我。可能是因为布洛克他妈的没有闭嘴，分散了我的注意力。这些命令也让我兴奋不已。我等了这一天太久了，终于来了。

As I looked to my right, Brock stood beside me, and you could see the energy vibrating inside him. He was like that old TV Gramps had, whose picture would sometimes go wonky, bouncing, with the colors dancing weirdly across the screen.
当我向右看时，布洛克站在我身边，你可以看到他体内的能量在振动。他就像那个老电视奶奶一样，他的画面有时会摇摇晃晃，弹跳，颜色在屏幕上奇怪地舞动。

Glancing toward the instructor on the opposite end of the line from us screaming in the face of another recruit, I whispered, “Breathe, dude.”
我瞥了一眼对着另一名新兵尖叫的队伍对面的教官，低声说：“呼吸，伙计。

A deep inhale and exhale rushed out of him with a nearly silent “Thank you.”
他深深地吸了一口气，呼了一口气，几乎是无声的“谢谢”。

The waves of energy that had been crashing into me calmed. They didn’t disappear, but settled down to a gentle ebb and flow.
冲击我的能量波平静了下来。它们并没有消失，而是平缓地潮起潮落。

Seeing the RDC coming down the line toward us, screaming his head off, I made sure I faced completely fucking forward, wiped my face of any emotion and affect, and straightened my body into the stiffest posture I could muster.
看到 RDC 从我们身边朝我们走来，尖叫着把头甩下来，我确保我完全面向前方，擦去脸上的任何情绪和影响，然后挺直身体，摆出我能召集的最僵硬的姿势。

The RDC coming toward us stopped at every recruit in line, screaming at them to correct this or that. Then he got to Brock.
向我们走来的 RDC 在排队的每一个新兵面前停下来，尖叫着让他们纠正这个或那个。然后他到了布洛克。

“You’ve gotta be the worst of the bunch. Stand up straight. Look forward. Straight forward!” the RDC yelled at Brock.
“你一定是这群人中最糟糕的。站直。向前看。直截了当！

We were shoulder-to-shoulder. It sounded like the guy was screaming in my ear.
我们肩并肩。听起来那个家伙在我耳边尖叫。

“Fix yourself!”
“修理自己！”

If I was stuck with this guy for the next ten weeks, he would have to get his shit together.
如果我在接下来的十周里一直和这个家伙在一起，他就得收拾好他的狗屎了。

I’d practiced all this crap for a reason. I planned to keep my head down and do what I was told, when I was told, and how I was taught.
我练习所有这些废话是有原因的。我打算低着头，按照别人的吩咐、什么时候、怎么教的去做。

The RDC stopped in front of me. He looked me up and down.
RDC 停在我面前。他上下打量了我一眼。

He yelled, “Chin up,” then walked on.
他大喊，“抬起下巴”，然后继续走。

I kept my face blank, but inside, I was crowing in victory. I was going to rock the shit out of this. I had a plan, and this was just the first fucking step.
我面无表情，但内心却在欢呼着胜利。我本来想把这件事搞砸。我有一个计划，这只是他妈的第一步。

CHAPTER 2
第二章

BROCK
布 洛 克

SUMMER 2009
2009年夏季

“Alpha One, this is Alpha Two. I have northern overwatch. How copy?” Adam relayed to Foster Holt, our new team leader.
“阿尔法一号，这是阿尔法二号。我有北方守望先锋。怎么复制？亚当转达给我们的新团队负责人福斯特·霍尔特。

This was his first walk outside the wire with us, and we were all a little on edge.
这是他第一次和我们一起走出铁丝网，我们都有点紧张。

“Strong copy, Alpha Two. Alpha team in position to breach,” Foster relayed back.
“强副本，阿尔法二号。阿尔法团队处于突破位置，“福斯特转述道。

I liked Foster. I did. I always had. He was a damn good guy, but was still new to the team. He was still feeling his way around our group, still finding his footing as 1IC.
我喜欢福斯特。我做了。我一直都是这样。他是一个该死的好人，但对球队来说仍然是新手。他仍然在我们小组中摸索着，仍然在 1IC 中找到自己的立足点。

I’d been pissed when Adam hadn’t gotten the nod as Alpha team leader. Adam had done his voodoo magic and cooled my jets when he’d been passed over for the position Foster now held. Our team leader, Moses, had been medically discharged with more injuries than he could overcome and continue operating.
当亚当没有得到阿尔法团队负责人的认可时，我很生气。亚当施展了他的巫毒魔法，并在福斯特现在担任的职位上被超越时冷却了我的喷气式飞机。我们的队长摩西因伤势出院，无法克服并继续手术。

We’d all been so fucking excited for Adam. And then, out of the fucking blue, Foster showed up. Command brought in Foster to take Moses’s place instead of pushing Adam into the spot I and several other of our brothers had felt was Adam’s. As usual, there’d been zero fucking explanation, but that was the Navy for you.
我们都为亚当感到非常兴奋。然后，他妈的突然出现了，福斯特出现了。指挥部请来福斯特来代替摩西的位置，而不是把亚当推到我和其他几个兄弟认为是亚当的位置上。像往常一样，他妈的解释为零，但那是海军适合你的。

“Bravo team in position to breach. How copy?” Alex Madison said. Alex had been the next loudest protestor when Foster Holt got the top spot.
“Bravo 团队处于突破位置。怎么复制？亚历克斯·麦迪逊说。当福斯特·霍尔特 （Foster Holt） 获得头把交椅时，亚历克斯是下一个最响亮的抗议者。

“Strong copy, Bravo Team,” Adam responded.
“强大的副本，Bravo Team，”亚当回应道。

“Alpha Six has Southern Overwatch. How copy?”
“阿尔法六号有南方守望先锋。怎么复制？

“Strong copy, Six. TOC, this is Alpha Two. How copy?”
“强文案，六号。TOC，这是 Alpha Two。怎么复制？

The radio crackled in my ear.
收音机在我耳边噼啪作响。

“Lima Charlie, Alpha Two. Strong copy all around. You are cleared hot. Repeat. You’re cleared hot,” Commander Mercer replied.
“利马查理，阿尔法二号。到处都是强文案。你被清除了。重复。你已经被清除了，“默瑟指挥官回答道。

“You guys heard that. Breach on my mark.” Adam’s voice rang out through my headset again, and I felt a calm wash over me like it did before every door we kicked in.
“你们听到了。突破我的标记。亚当的声音再次通过我的耳机响起，我感到一种平静笼罩着我，就像我们每扇门进去之前一样。

I closed my eyes and said a quick prayer that we all came through this one alive, like always, and then I checked my weapon while waiting for Adam’s command.
我闭上眼睛，快速祈祷我们都能像往常一样活着度过这次难关，然后我在等待亚当的命令时检查了我的武器。

“Three, two, one. Execute. Execute. Execute,” Adam commanded.
“三、二、一。执行。执行。执行，“亚当命令道。

Foster kicked in the door.
福斯特一脚踢进了门。

“Crash out!” he called as he threw the crash grenade.
“撞出去！”他一边扔出防撞手榴弹一边喊道。

I rushed through the door, taking out two fighting-aged men reaching for the AKs sitting beside them.
我冲进门，干掉两个伸手去拿坐在他们旁边的 AK 的战斗年龄的男人。

Foster followed me through first deck before splitting off to do the same as I was on the other side of the building, searching for any potential intel or hiding spots.
福斯特跟着我穿过第一层甲板，然后分开去做同样的事情，就像我在大楼的另一边一样，寻找任何潜在的情报或藏身之处。

“One, this is Three. This side of first deck is dry,” I radioed to the team.
“一，这是三。第一层甲板的这一侧是干燥的，“我用无线电告诉团队。

“Copy Three. Four, this is One. What’ve ya got?” Foster asked as he met me in the center hall. He eyed me, shaking his head.
“副本三。四，这是一。你有什么？福斯特在中央大厅与我见面时问道。他看着我，摇了摇头。

“This is Four. Second deck is a dry hole, Alpha One,” Alex replied.
“这是四号。第二层甲板是一个干洞，阿尔法一号，“亚历克斯回答道。

Then, in the silence, a series of mic clicks filled my ear. The rest of the team tromped down the steps of the house and stopped in front of Foster and me. All our eyes went wide at the distress call. We stared at one another. Rushing out without knowing could get us all killed, as well as the brother in distress.
然后，在寂静中，一连串的麦克风咔嗒声充满了我的耳朵。团队的其他成员蹒跚而下，在福斯特和我面前停了下来。我们所有人都瞪大了眼睛，听到了求救信号。我们互相凝视着对方。在不知情的情况下冲出去可能会让我们所有人丧命，以及陷入困境的兄弟。

It was either Adam or Carson. Everyone else was standing in front of me. Foster and I glanced at one another.
要么是亚当，要么是卡森。其他人都站在我面前。福斯特和我对视一眼。

“TOC, this is Alpha One. Did you register a distress call?”
“TOC，这是阿尔法一号。你登记了求救信号吗？

Before Mercer or anyone else from the team could respond, another series of clicks, along with gunshots to the north, pierced the air.
在默瑟或团队中的任何其他人做出反应之前，又一连串的咔哒声以及北方的枪声划破了空气。

ADAM!
亚当！

My mind screamed. My feet were rooted to the floor until one of my brothers pushed my ass into action. It wasn’t the first time he’d ever been in trouble and alone, but something about this felt so fucking different. I didn’t know how or what exactly, but this time, a dark cloud of despair fell upon me. A dry hole that was supposed to be a motherlode, and now Adam firing and signaling distress.
我的大脑尖叫着。我的脚踩在地板上，直到我的一个兄弟推了我的屁股。这不是他第一次遇到麻烦和孤独，但这感觉有些他妈的不同。我不知道到底是怎么做的，也不知道到底是什么，但这一次，一团绝望的乌云笼罩着我。一个干涸的洞，本应是母矿，现在亚当开火并发出求救信号。

More gunfire. A combination of AK and Sig rounds with M4 joining in. Motherfucker, he was out there on his fucking own, fighting for his life.
更多的枪声。AK 和 Sig 弹的组合，M4 加入。混蛋，他他妈的一个人在外面，为自己的生命而战。

We hoofed our asses out of the building; I dropped my night vision over my eyes as we raced toward Adam’s location, slipping and sliding across the rocky, sandy terrain.
我们把驴蹄赶出了大楼;当我们冲向亚当的位置时，我把夜视仪放在眼睛上，在岩石和沙质地形上滑行。

Foster called out over the radio as we ran. “TOC, this is one. Do you have eyes on Two?”
当我们奔跑时，福斯特通过无线电喊道。“TOC，这是其中之一。你有关注二号吗？

“Negative, one. Two is not in sight. We are attempting to locate him. He is not in position. What we do see is two vehicles via ISR that are speeding out of the vicinity. One going west and the other east,” Commander Mercer relayed.
“负面，一个。两个看不到。我们正试图找到他。他没有就位。我们确实看到的是两辆通过 ISR 的车辆正在附近超速驶出。一个向西，另一个向东，“默瑟指挥官转述道。

I stopped, and the others did the same. I turned to them. The question burning a hole in my head was doing the same to them. Why hadn’t they had eyes on Adam to see what the fuck had gone down?
我停了下来，其他人也做了同样的事情。我转向他们。这个问题在我脑海中烧了一个洞，对他们也做了同样的事情。为什么他们没有盯着亚当看看他妈的发生了什么？

Dread filled me, rooting my feet in the sand as if it had turned to quicksand. My blood bubbled and fizzed frantically.
恐惧充斥着我，我的脚扎在沙子里，仿佛它变成了流沙。我的血液疯狂地冒泡和嘶嘶作响。

“Repeat your last, TOC?” I asked.
“重复你上次的话，目录？”我问。

It wasn’t my responsibility, but it was Adam. I didn’t care if I was breaking protocol.
这不是我的责任，而是亚当的责任。我不在乎我是否违反了协议。

“Alpha Three, Alpha Two is not visible at the moment. Two is DUSTWUN.”
“阿尔法三号，阿尔法二号目前看不见。二是 DUSTWUN。

I didn’t know how Mercer kept that flat tone all the time. It never mattered how dire our Sit Rep was. He always sounded the same.
我不知道 Mercer 是如何一直保持这种平淡的语气的。我们的 Sit Rep 有多可怕并不重要。他听起来总是一样的。

“Repeat your last, TOC? Did you say Two is Duty Station: Whereabouts Unknown?” I asked.
“重复你上次的话，目录？你说过《二号是工作地点：下落不明》吗？我问。

My insides felt like they were on a Tilt-A-Whirl. My center of gravity spun frantically.
我的内心感觉就像在旋转。我的重心疯狂地旋转着。

“That is correct, Three. Two appears to have been captured,” Mercer said.
“没错，三号。两个似乎被俘虏了，“默瑟说。

Foster, James, Finlay, and Alex stared at one another as I stormed off, passing Carson as he raced toward us. I grabbed him.
当我冲走时，福斯特、詹姆斯、芬利和亚历克斯互相凝视着，当卡森向我们冲来时，他从他身边经过。我抓住了他。

“What the fuck happened?” I shouted in his face.
“他妈的发生了什么？”我当着他的面喊道。

Carson blanched. “I don’t know, Brock. I was scanning left of him when his first two shots sounded.”
卡森脸色发白。“我不知道，布洛克。当他的前两枪响起时，我正在扫视他的左侧。

I nodded, letting Carson go as I raced toward where Adam had set up overwatch. This had to be a fucking mistake. He was just hunkered down, and the ISR wasn’t picking him up for some reason.
我点点头，放开卡森，同时我冲向亚当设置守望先锋的地方。这一定是一个他妈的错误。他只是蜷缩着，ISR 出于某种原因没有接他。

In my ear, I heard Foster talking with Mercer, arguing about pursuing the two vehicles, one of which Adam had to be in. I knew it would be shot down as soon as Foster asked. There were two vehicles and no indication as to which one Adam was in, and they were going in opposite directions.
在我耳边，我听到福斯特和默瑟说话，争论着追赶那两辆车，其中一辆亚当必须坐着。我知道只要福斯特提出要求，它就会被击落。有两辆车，没有迹象表明亚当在哪一辆车上，而且它们朝相反的方向行驶。

When I was far enough away that I could still hear my teammates, but that I had a modicum of privacy to wrap my head around the situation, I started fucking praying, begging God to rewind time. When I got to Adam’s hide site, if you could fucking call it that, there wasn’t much cover to be found in this area of the country. I stood there for God only knew how long with my head down. Devastation flooded my system, choking me.
当我离得足够远，我仍然能听到队友的声音，但我有一点隐私来理解这种情况时，我开始他妈的祈祷，恳求上帝让时间倒带。当我到达亚当的藏身之处时，如果你他妈的可以这么称呼它的话，在这个国家的这个地区没有太多的掩体可以找到。我站在那里，因为上帝只知道我低着头要多久。毁灭淹没了我的系统，让我窒息。

The suck just exploded.
吸吮就爆炸了。

That was what Adam would say. I’d heard it from him so much over the years since we’d met. Whenever anything went off the rails, that phrase would be the one he bandied about. As intelligent and analytical as Adam was, he tended to state the obvious, even when it was apparent to everyone around him.
亚当会这么说。自从我们认识以来，这些年来我从他那里听到了很多。每当有什么事情偏离轨道时，他就会大肆谈论这句话。亚当像亚当一样聪明和分析，他倾向于陈述显而易见的事情，即使他周围的每个人都是显而易见的。

I felt someone walk up behind me.
我感觉到有人在我身后走来。

“We’ve been ordered to gather any intel and EXFIL,” Foster said.
“我们奉命收集任何情报并撤离，”福斯特说。

Of course, we were ordered RTB because the people back at command are a bunch of paper-pushing, cake-eating pussies. Except Mercer. He’s a frogman from way back.
当然，我们被命令 RTB，因为指挥部的人是一群推纸、吃蛋糕的猫。除了美世。他很久以前就是一个蛙人。

I nodded. I followed my teammates as we scoured the area, taking photos of the guys Adam dropped and pulling all the info from their corpses that we could find.
我点点头。我跟着我的队友在该地区搜索，为亚当掉落的家伙拍照，并从他们的尸体中提取我们能找到的所有信息。

When we were done, Foster said, “Alright, boys. Let’s move out.”
当我们完成后，福斯特说：“好吧，孩子们。我们搬出去吧。

I turned to Foster, my eyes burning. As much as I wanted to give chase, our INFIL had been a ten-mile hike. We had no hope of chasing down both of those vehicles on foot. Foster’s brow raised in question, and I nodded before I waved him ahead of me.
我转向福斯特，眼睛灼热。尽管我很想追赶，但我们的 INFIL 已经徒步了十英里。我们没有希望步行追赶这两辆车。福斯特疑惑地扬起眉头，我点了点头，然后向他挥手示意。

“After you, boss.”
“跟你走，老大。”

Foster studied at me, then nodded. He flipped his night vision goggles and said, “On point, Finlay. Lead us out of here.”
福斯特看了看我，然后点了点头。他翻转夜视镜说：“说得对，芬利。带我们离开这里。

Finlay took the lead, and Foster and I hung back while the rest of the team fell in. When it was my turn to head out, I looked around. I clenched my teeth to hold off the well of emotions. I didn’t think I could walk away. I looked down at my feet. This was the spot I’d left Adam. The last place I’d laid eyes on him.
芬利取得领先，福斯特和我退缩，而团队的其他成员则陷入困境。轮到我出门时，我环顾四周。我咬紧牙关，忍住情绪的井。我认为我不能走开。我低头看着自己的脚。这是我离开亚当的地方。这是我最后一次看到他的地方。

Foster gripped my shoulder. “I get it. I don’t like this any more than you do. Believe me. I will be as far up Mercer’s ass as possible until he lets us go get our brother. I promise you that.”
福斯特抓住了我的肩膀。“我明白了。我和你一样不喜欢这样。相信我。我会尽可能地接近默瑟的屁股，直到他让我们去接我们的兄弟。我向你保证。

Foster thought he got it, but he didn’t. The person he loved was in Vah Beach taking care of their kids, while the person I loved was lost to me somewhere in the dark of night. Possibly forever.
福斯特以为他明白了，但他没有。他所爱的人在瓦海滩照顾他们的孩子，而我所爱的人则在漆黑的夜色中失去了我。可能永远。

Anger and disbelief bubbled up within me. We’d been called in to discuss options. I didn’t know what the fuck there was to fucking discuss. One of ours was being held in some godforsaken corner of the world in fuck knew what kind of conditions. The only fucking option was to get loaded for bear, take back what was ours, and make the ones responsible feel the wrath of the Trident.
愤怒和难以置信在我内心涌现。我们被叫来讨论各种选择。我不知道他妈的有什么好讨论的。我们中的一个人被关押在世界上某个被遗弃的角落，他妈的知道是什么样的条件。唯一他妈的选择就是装满熊，夺回属于我们的东西，让责任人感受到三叉戟的愤怒。

I sat there, dumbfounded, as people who freaking knew what being held hostage could do to a person discussed Adam as if he was a robot. They knew him. Most of them had served with us when we were coming up. Granted, most of the time, Adam did a damn good imitation of a cyborg, but he was a man. A SEAL. And these fucksticks were talking about leaving him in enemy hands.
我坐在那里，目瞪口呆，因为那些知道被扣为人质会对一个人造成什么影响的人，把亚当当作机器人来讨论。他们认识他。当我们上来时，他们中的大多数人都曾和我们一起服役。诚然，大多数时候，亚当对半机械人的模仿非常好，但他是一个男人。海豹突击队。这些混蛋正在谈论要把他交到敌人手中。

Not their call. They’re just following orders.
不是他们的电话。他们只是听从命令。

Adam’s voice sounded in my head as it did on a regular basis. He was the one who kept my head screwed on straight. I was the one who made sure he didn’t take himself or anything else too seriously. We balanced each other out. We had from the jump.
亚当的声音像往常一样在我的脑海中响起。他是那个让我保持头脑清醒的人。我是那个确保他不会太认真地对待自己或其他任何事情的人。我们互相平衡。我们从一开始就有了。

Adam “Woody” DuBois annoyed the hell out of me, but I didn’t know how to be me without him. We’d met on the way to Great Lakes and had been together ever since. Side-by-side from day one. Even when we decided to go to BUD/S, we’d done it together. I’d never been a SEAL or gone into combat without him by my side, reminding me that not everything was fun and games, and sometimes, being serious meant making it back home to Vah Beach.
亚当“伍迪”杜波依斯让我非常恼火，但没有他我不知道如何做我。我们在去五大湖的路上相遇，从那时起就一直在一起。从第一天起就并肩作战。即使我们决定去 BUD/S 时，我们也是一起做的。我从来没有当过海豹突击队，也从未在没有他在身边参加过战斗，这提醒我，并非一切都是有趣的和游戏，有时，认真意味着回到瓦海滩的家。

Now an unknown enemy was holding Adam, and the higher-ups in Washington were twiddling their thumbs. DOD and the political types were running the pros and cons and the possibilities of blowback on them and the others they gave a fuck about, while the team was told to stand the fuck down.
现在，一个未知的敌人正在抓住亚当，华盛顿的高层正在摆弄他们的拇指。国防部和政治人士正在对他们和他们大肆关注的其他人进行利弊和反击的可能性，而团队却被告知要站起来。

I was beyond fucking pissed. Especially in light of Adam being who and what he was to this team and our teammates. Despite Foster being our leader, Adam was the tip of our spear. Where he led, we followed. He was the goddamn glue. He held this fucking team together, and he had singlehandedly saved this country and our government more times than I could count. Now they were leaving him out to fucking dry.
我他妈的生气得要命。特别是考虑到亚当对这支球队和我们的队友来说是谁和他是什么。尽管福斯特是我们的领袖，但亚当却是我们的矛尖。他带领的地方，我们跟随。他是该死的胶水。他把这个该死的团队团结在一起，他以一己之力拯救了这个国家和我们的政府，次数多得我数不清。现在他们把他妈的干了。

As for what Adam meant to me personally, outside of him being Alpha Two and my best fucking friend, Adam was the love of my life. While I might not have been the love of his life because he was too goddamn scared to admit it, unlike Adam, I wasn’t too much of a pussy to admit I loved him, and I’d be damned if I brought him home in a flag-draped box.
至于亚当对我个人的意义，除了他是阿尔法二号和我最好的朋友之外，亚当是我一生的挚爱。虽然我可能不是他一生的挚爱，因为他太害怕了不敢承认这一点，但与亚当不同的是，我并不是一个太阴户，无法承认我爱他，如果我把他带回家，我会被诅咒的挂着旗帜的盒子。

I slammed out of the TOC as soon as Commander Mercer said, “Dismissed.” I stormed down the hall. People scattered as I shoved past some young sailor who’d been in the wrong place at the wrong time.
默瑟指挥官一说“解雇”，我就猛地退出了目录。我冲下大厅。当我推过一些在错误的时间出现在错误地点的年轻水手时，人们四散而去。

Behind me, I heard my brothers yelling out to me, but fuck that shit. I needed to get away.
在我身后，我听到我的兄弟们对我大喊大叫，但去他妈的。我需要离开。

Someone grabbed my arm. I whirled on them, fist raised, ready to take them the fuck out. Luckily, I realized who was standing in front of me before I tanked my damn career.
有人抓住了我的胳膊。我向他们转身，举起拳头，准备把他们干掉。幸运的是，在我该死的职业生涯失败之前，我意识到谁站在我面前。

“Rocket, man, you’ve gotta chill,” Foster said.
“火箭，伙计，你必须冷静下来，”福斯特说。

I glared at Foster. I knew he was right. He typically always was, even before he came over to Alpha. He was known across DevGru as always being right and having all the answers. It was a huge character flaw in my opinion, but I knew I needed to slow my roll.
我瞪了福斯特一眼。我知道他是对的。他通常总是这样，甚至在他来到阿尔法之前。他在整个 DevGru 中都以总是正确并且拥有所有答案而闻名。在我看来，这是一个巨大的性格缺陷，但我知道我需要放慢脚步。

Goddammit, this is Adam we are talking about, though.
该死的，不过，这就是我们正在谈论的亚当。

The thought flashed through my mind. A fucking flashing neon sign that wouldn’t fucking go away.
这个念头在我的脑海中闪过。一个他妈的闪烁的霓虹灯招牌，他妈的不会消失。

I pulled away from Foster as I stared at him. Sighing, I nodded.
我盯着福斯特看着他，从他身边拉开了距离。叹了口气，我点了点头。

I started to say something, but Foster sighed and pulled me aside. He glanced around and whispered, “I’m not fucking blind, Brock. I know there’s more to what you’re feeling and going through than what the rest of us are.”
我开始说些什么，但福斯特叹了口气，把我拉到一边。他环顾四周，低声说：“我他妈的不是瞎子，布洛克。我知道你的感受和经历比我们其他人更多。

I opened my mouth to protest, but he waved me off. Then he said, “And it’s fine with me. I don’t give a shit. You both do your damn job, and there’s never been any question in my mind where your head is at when you’re outside the wire. But unless you wanna clue command in on all the things you’ve been keeping to yourself, you need to fucking rein it in.”
我张开嘴想抗议，但他挥手让我离开。然后他说：“我没关系。我不在乎。你们俩都做了你该死的工作，在我看来，当你在电线之外时，你的头脑在哪里，从来没有任何问题。但除非你想掌握你一直保密的所有事情，否则你需要他妈的控制住它。

I swallowed, glaring at him, but like Adam, Foster just waited me out. He was giving me time to come to the realization on my own, which I always did.
我咽了咽口水，瞪着他，但和亚当一样，福斯特只是等着我出去。他给了我时间让我自己意识到这一点，我总是这样做的。

“Fuck,” I growled and walked away.
“操，”我咆哮着走开了。

“Rocket?” Foster called.
“火箭？”福斯特打电话。

I turned and looked at him silently.
我转过身来，默默地看着他。

He walked toward me. Foster had that fatherly vibe to him, which was a good thing since he has a whole passel of kids. I could never remember how many, but he’d knocked his woman up regularly for years.
他朝我走来。福斯特有一种父亲般的氛围，这是一件好事，因为他有一大群孩子。我永远记不清有多少次，但多年来他经常打倒他的女人。

“I’m here. You understand? If you need to talk or feel yourself spiraling, you come find me,” Foster said.
“我在这。你明白？如果你需要交谈或感觉自己在螺旋式上升，你可以来找我，“福斯特说。

My emotions had run close to the surface since I’d realized Adam had been captured. I clenched my teeth until they felt close to busting. I nodded, lowering my head as I threaded my fingers through my hair. “Yeah. I hear you. I think I’m going to head back to my place. Beer and video games sound good.”
自从我意识到亚当被俘虏以来，我的情绪就已经接近表面。我咬紧牙关，直到它们感觉快要爆裂了。我点点头，低下头，用手指穿过头发。“是的。我听到了。我想我要回到我的地方了。啤酒和电子游戏听起来不错。

Foster stared at me. You could see the wheels and gears spinning in his head. Other than Adam, Foster was the most analytical motherfucker I’d ever met. Foster had a bit of a leg up on Adam since there’d been a Holt on the teams since the beginning.
福斯特盯着我。你可以看到车轮和齿轮在他的脑海中旋转。除了亚当之外，福斯特是我见过的最善于分析的混蛋。福斯特在亚当身上有一点优势，因为球队从一开始就有一个霍尔特。

I’d met Foster’s old man. He was a character, but he’d made it to admiral from enlisted back when that just wasn’t done. He was brilliant as fuck, and the gears never stopped spinning. You could see them turning whenever you looked in this face. Admiral Matthew Holt might have been getting up there in years, but he still had the operator mentality, and he’d definitely handed that shit down to his kids.
我见过福斯特的老人。他是一个角色，但他从入伍到海军上将，当时还没有完成。他他妈的很聪明，齿轮从未停止旋转。每当你看这张脸时，你都可以看到他们转身。马修·霍尔特海军上将可能已经上了几年了，但他仍然有操作员的心态，而且他肯定会把这些东西传给了他的孩子们。

“That sounds like a good time. I’ll grab the boys and we’ll make a night of it,” Foster said, pulling me out of my head.
“这听起来是一段美好的时光。我会抓住男孩们，我们会度过一个愉快的夜晚，“福斯特说，把我从脑海中拉了出来。

“Bring your older two. We’ve gotta make sure they’re growing up right,” I suggested.
“带上你的大两个。我们必须确保他们正确成长，“我建议道。

SEALs didn’t get a lot of time with their kids. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t taking time away from his.
海豹突击队没有太多时间陪伴他们的孩子。我想确保我不会占用他的时间。

Foster grinned and slapped me on the back. “Wilco! Asher and Bauer will love spending the afternoon with their honorary uncles.”
福斯特咧嘴一笑，拍了拍我的背。“威尔科！Asher 和 Bauer 会喜欢和他们的荣誉叔叔一起度过一个下午。

“I’d say your kids are lucky your moms and pops gave you a couple of brothers, so those kids of yours have better role models than a bunch of frogmen, but I seem to remember you have a brother who’s a Raider and another on Delta team. So, those kids are shit out of luck. Might as well ruin ‘em while we can,” I laughed dryly, trying to do what Adam would want.
“我想说你的孩子很幸运，你的爸爸妈妈给了你几个兄弟，所以你的那些孩子比一群蛙人有更好的榜样，但我似乎记得你有一个兄弟是突袭者，另一个是三角洲队的兄弟。所以，那些孩子运气不好。还不如趁我们能毁掉他们，“我干巴巴地笑了起来，试图做亚当想要的事情。

Hours later, my living room, which wasn’t big enough for this shit, was filled with the team and Foster’s two oldest—twins.
几个小时后，我的客厅不够大，无法容纳这些狗屎，却挤满了团队和福斯特的两个最大的双胞胎。

Fucking twins. I can’t fucking imagine having one kid, much less two at once.
他妈的双胞胎。我他妈的无法想象有一个孩子，更不用说同时生两个了。

Looking around this room, I felt Adam’s absence even more than I had on the trip stateside. My other half was fucking missing.
环顾这个房间，我比在美国旅行时更能感受到亚当的缺席。我的另一半他妈的失踪了。

I was so fucking tired, but sleeping wasn’t in the equation right now. Whenever I closed my eyes, I saw Adam strung up in some medieval torture pose designed to inflict the most pain possible. And that was when my brain wasn’t conjuring up images of him dead.
我他妈的累了，但现在睡觉不在等式中。每当我闭上眼睛时，我都会看到亚当以某种中世纪的酷刑姿势被吊起来，旨在造成尽可能大的痛苦。那是我的大脑没有想象出他死去的画面的时候。

Scrubbing my hands over my face, I stood and walked out on the back deck. I flopped down in the chair tucked in the corner, back to the wall. Even here, in my own home, I wasn’t comfortable with my back being exposed. One would’ve thought that was a SEAL thing, but they would’ve been mistaken. It started long before I ever got wet and sandy the first time.
我用手擦了擦脸，站起来，走到后甲板上。我扑通一声倒在角落里的椅子上，背靠在墙上。即使在我自己的家里，我也对我的背部暴露感到不舒服。人们会认为这是海豹突击队的事情，但他们错了。早在我第一次湿漉漉的沙质之前，它就开始了。

NOVEMBER 1990
1990年11月

I had seen it coming, and I’d taken off, running through the fields on the farm and over the hills to hide behind the barn. The window to get away was shorter than a bald man’s hairstyle.
我已经看到了它的到来，我起飞了，跑过农场的田野，翻过山丘，躲在谷仓后面。逃跑的窗口比秃头男人的发型还短。

“Get back here, boy!”
“回到这里，孩子！”

I ran as hard and as fast and as far as I could from that drunken, rage-filled voice. Every drink I watched go down his gullet was yet another eraser mark that changed my old man from the loving, caring guy he was when sober to the hateful, mean bastard he became when drunk. The man who replaced my dad was more likely than not to beat my ass until I couldn’t sit down for a week or go to school. He was a man to be avoided at all costs.
我尽可能地努力、尽可能快地跑离那个醉酒、充满愤怒的声音。我看到他的每一杯酒都流进了他的食道，这又是一个橡皮擦的印记，它把我的老人从清醒时的那个充满爱心、关怀的人变成了醉酒时的可恶、卑鄙的混蛋。取代我父亲的那个人更有可能打我的屁股，直到我一个星期不能坐下来或上学。他是一个不惜一切代价都要避开的人。

“When I find you, boy, I’m going to beat your mama out of you. You’re just like that cunt! Useless and disloyal,” he screamed into the night.
“当我找到你时，孩子，我要把妈打败。你就像那个屄一样！无用和不忠诚，“他在夜色中尖叫。

I slid into my hidey-hole. I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing. My heart raced so fast it pounded in my ears, making staying put even harder. Tears raced down my cheeks. Sobs caused my chest to clench, and I shook so hard I felt like I was rattling apart.
我滑进了我的藏身洞。我闭上眼睛，专注于自己的呼吸。我的心跳得如此之快，以至于在我的耳朵里砰砰直跳，让留在原地变得更加困难。眼泪顺着我的脸颊流了下来。抽泣声让我的胸口紧缩，我颤抖得如此之重，以至于我感觉自己快要碎裂了。

Fear consumed me. If I stayed still and silent, he wouldn’t find me. I prayed so hard. Last time, he’d found me. I’d just gone back to school a few days ago. I had thought I’d gotten away, but he’d found me. I still had the bruises. They reminded me how much my dad hated and blamed me for what my mama had done. All because I looked like her.
恐惧吞噬了我。如果我保持静止和沉默，他就不会找到我。我非常努力地祈祷。上次，他找到了我。几天前我刚回到学校。我以为我已经逃脱了，但他找到了我。我还有瘀伤。他们提醒我，我爸爸是多么讨厌我，因为我妈妈的所作所为而责备我。这一切都是因为我长得像她。

“There you are, you little shit!”
“你来了，你这个小狗屎！”

“No! Daddy, please!”
“不！爸爸，求求你了！

He snatched me by my arm, jerking me through the hole in the barn wall. I just barely fit if I crawled in slowly. The broken, jagged pieces of wood gouged into me, cutting my back open as he yanked me out of my hiding spot.
他抓住我的胳膊，把我从谷仓墙上的洞里猛拉。如果我慢慢爬进去，我就勉强适应了。那些破碎的、锯齿状的木头碎片凿入了我体内，当他把我从藏身之处拉出来时，我的背部被割开了。

“I’m going to teach you not to hide from me once and for all!” he yelled at me.
“我要教你不要一劳永逸地躲着我！”

Spit flew from his mouth, covering my face. The moisture made the slap that followed sting that much more. After the slap came a backhand and several punches to my belly and ribs.
口水从他嘴里飞了出来，捂住了我的脸。湿气让随后的耳光更加刺痛。耳光打完后，我反手打了几拳打在我的腹部和肋骨上。

The attack was worse than any before, and I’d thought the last one was as bad as it could be.
这次袭击比以往任何一次都严重，我以为最后一次已经非常糟糕了。

I cried and begged and prayed, but it went on and on and on. Realizing that every sound I made only made him angrier, I just shut up, clenching my teeth to keep the sounds inside. The pain in my mouth as I locked my jaw shut radiated through my skull, and I cried out.
我哭泣、恳求、祈祷，但这种情况一直持续下去。意识到我发出的每一个声音只会让他更生气，我只是闭嘴，咬紧牙关把声音藏在里面。当我闭上下巴时，我嘴里的疼痛穿过我的头骨，我大叫起来。

He grabbed me, shaking me violently, slamming me against the tractor left to rust beside the barn. I bit my cheek and tongue as I bounced off the fender. The ringing in my head blinded me to his enraged face as it struck the metal.
他抓住我，猛烈地摇晃我，把我撞到谷仓旁边生锈的拖拉机上。当我从挡泥板上弹起时，我咬住了脸颊和舌头。我脑海中的铃声使我看不清他撞击金属时愤怒的脸。

The beating went on.
殴打仍在继续。

I prayed it would end.
我祈祷它会结束。

I prayed to join Mama and Mandy in heaven.
我祈祷能在天堂与妈妈和曼迪团聚。

Somehow, I ended up on the ground. Everything hurt. Daddy still screamed at me, cursing me for being just like my mother. He told me over and over how much like her I was and how he wished she’d never died because she got off easy, so it was now my responsibility to pay for her mistakes.
不知何故，我最终倒在了地上。一切都很痛。爸爸仍然对我尖叫，咒骂我和我妈妈一样。他一遍又一遍地告诉我，我有多像她，他多么希望她永远不会死，因为她很容易就脱身了，所以现在我有责任为她的错误付出代价。

I puked when he kicked me the first time, which infuriated him. He just kept kicking me. I grabbed his leg, holding it to me to lessen the blows.
当他第一次踢我时，我呕吐了，这激怒了他。他只是不停地踢我。我抓住他的腿，把它握在我身边以减轻打击。

I woke up cold and covered in the first snowfall of the fall. I was shivering and numb, shocked that nothing really hurt right now. My head felt heavy, and so did my arms and legs.
我醒来时很冷，浑身都是秋天的第一场雪。我浑身发抖，麻木了，震惊地发现现在没有什么真正痛的。我的头感觉很重，我的胳膊和腿也很重。

I looked around. It was morning. I could still hear the rooster from Old Man Thomas’s place beside ours.
我环顾四周。那是早上。我还能听到我们旁边托马斯老人家传来的公鸡叫声。

“BROCK!”
“布洛克！”

I cowered in fear at the sound of my name being shouted.
我害怕地畏缩着，听到有人喊我的名字。

No! God, please, no!
不！上帝，请不要！

“BROCK!”
“布洛克！”

The sound of the person shouting came to me again, but this time, I realized who it was.
那个人的喊叫声再次传到我的脑海中，但这一次，我意识到了那是谁。

“Miss Rachel?” I whispered, afraid my dad was still there, just waiting to lay into me again.
“瑞秋小姐？”我低声说，害怕我爸爸还在那里，只是等着再次躺在我身上。

“Sheriff, I know Mr. Jones said he sent Brock to school, but I’m telling you that little boy never made it on the school bus. Feel free to ask the driver. Marcus Jones is beating his son. I would stake my career on it,” Miss Rachel said.
“警长，我知道琼斯先生说他送布洛克去学校，但我告诉你，那个小男孩从来没有上过校车。请随时询问司机。马库斯·琼斯正在殴打他的儿子。我会把我的职业生涯押在上面，“雷切尔小姐说。

“Brock! It’s Miss Rachel. Where are you, sweetheart?”
“布洛克！是雷切尔小姐。你在哪里，亲爱的？

Shouting pulled me out of the past and into the present. Glancing around, I breathed a sigh of relief that the shouting was from a neighbor’s house and not anyone inside coming out to disturb my solitude. I threw the beer can in my hand so hard it bounced off the side of the garage. All this shit with Adam was dredging up stuff I’d buried a long, damn time ago. That had been the last time he’d beaten me.
大喊大叫把我从过去拉进了现在。环顾四周，我松了一口气，因为喊叫声是隔壁家传来的，里面没有人出来打扰我的孤独。我把手里的啤酒罐扔得太用力了，从车库的一侧弹了起来。亚当的所有这些狗屎都在挖掘我很久很久以前埋藏的东西。那是他最后一次打败我。

He hadn’t always been that man. We’d had the perfect family when Mama and Mandy were still alive. Two-point-two kids, a dog for me, a cat for Mandy, and Mama pregnant again. It had been a massive embarrassment for me as a thirteen-year-old boy, but it was all good. Daddy didn’t drink, and he’d never raised a hand to me.
他并不总是那样的人。当妈妈和曼迪还活着的时候，我们就有一个完美的家庭。两点两个孩子，我有一只狗，曼迪一只猫，妈妈又怀孕了。对于我这个 13 岁的男孩来说，这是一个巨大的尴尬，但一切都很好。爸爸不喝酒，也从来没有向我举过手。

Then it all went to shit. Mama and Mandy died in a car accident. They were in the car with the man Mama had been seeing on the sly. Come to find out, the baby she was carrying wasn’t Daddy’s, and she’d been planning to leave him. That’s why she had Mandy in the car with her. She was taking Mandy with her and leaving me behind with Daddy.
然后一切都变成了狗屎。妈妈和曼迪死于一场车祸。他们和妈妈偷偷见到的那个人一起在车里。后来发现，她怀的孩子不是爸爸的，她一直打算离开他。这就是为什么她让曼迪和她一起上车。她带着曼迪，把我留在爸爸身边。

That day Miss Rachel showed up on the farm was the last day I’d set foot on the property. When the old man died a few years ago, I had the realtor sell the house and farm as-is to the first bidder. Then, I donated the money to an organization that helped children rescued from severe abuse and neglect.
雷切尔小姐出现在农场的那一天是我踏上农场的最后一天。几年前老人去世时，我让房地产经纪人将房子和农场按原样卖给第一个竞标者。然后，我把这笔钱捐给了一个帮助儿童从严重虐待和忽视中获救的组织。

The only person who knew about my past was Adam. I’d confided in him one night when we were drunk off our asses. He’d seen me stripped down so many times, same for me with him, but he’d been mostly unblemished until we joined the teams, whereas my body was riddled with scars left over from my childhood. The worst was the scar that ran down my back from being dragged out of the barn that last night I spent on the farm.
唯一知道我过去的人是亚当。有一天晚上，当我们喝醉了屁股时，我向他吐露了心声。他见过我脱光衣服很多次，我和他在一起也是如此，但在我们加入球队之前，他基本上毫无瑕疵，而我的身上却布满了童年留下的伤疤。最糟糕的是昨晚我在农场度过的被拖出谷仓后从我背上流下来的伤疤。

CHAPTER 3
第 3 章

ADAM
亚当

SUMMER 2009
2009年夏季

Three days.
三天。

At least, that was my best guess. I could see the sun rising and setting through a crack in the metal near the door.
至少，这是我最好的猜测。我可以通过门附近的金属缝隙看到太阳升起和落下。

The majority of the days since being captured had been spent stuffed in this tiny-ass metal box. Twice a day, they came. They pulled me out of the box. It was during those times when I was removed from my cage that I prayed for the solace of this spot. Especially after I’d tried to escape. Clearly, I’d not succeeded.
自从被俘虏以来，大部分时间都是被塞在这个小屁股的金属盒子里度过的。他们一天来两次。他们把我从盒子里拉了出来。正是在我被从笼子里移出的那段时间里，我为这个地方的安慰祈祷。尤其是在我试图逃跑之后。显然，我没有成功。

Who they were, I had no clue. I hadn’t seen my abductors when they grabbed me, and they stayed covered while in my presence. The only piece of skin I’d seen was around their eyes, that showed through their masks.
他们是谁，我一无所知。当绑架者抓住我时，我还没有看到他们，当我在场时，他们一直被遮住。我唯一看到的一块皮肤是他们的眼睛周围，透过他们的面具露出来。

What I could see of their skin tone coincided with where I’d been captured. The issue was, we were on a black op. Completely clandestine. No one knew we were here outside of a handful of vetted senior SpecOps commanders and one or two well-trusted individuals in the intelligence community.
我看到的他们的肤色与我被抓到的地方不谋而合。问题是，我们正在进行黑色行动。完全是秘密的。除了少数经过审查的高级特种部队指挥官和情报界一两个值得信赖的人之外，没有人知道我们在这里。

Someone said something to someone.
有人对某人说了些什么。

I didn’t want to go down that route. These men and women held my life, the lives of my teammates, and the other operators in their hands. If one of them had divulged info, we were all screwed. The package we were after was high-value. If the details of our mission got out, we were all dead. And our families, too.
我不想走那条路。这些男人和女人掌握着我的生命、我的队友和其他作员的生命。如果其中一个人泄露了信息，我们都完蛋了。我们追求的包裹价值很高。如果我们任务的细节被泄露，我们都死了。还有我们的家人。

The door opened, startling me. I’d not heard them approach this time. Light flooded the box as someone snagged my ankle and dragged me from my safe space. Or at least the safest space I had at the moment.
门打开了，把我吓了一跳。这次我没有听到他们靠近。光线洒满了盒子，有人抓住了我的脚踝，把我从安全的地方拖了出来。或者至少是我目前拥有的最安全的空间。

The guttural sounds of Arabic sounded around me as they bagged and flex-cuffed me yet again. They’d learned their lessons the other day when they’d pulled me out the first time. I whipped ass until someone had shot me with a non-lethal round. I had dropped to the ground like a sack of potatoes.
阿拉伯语的喉音在我周围响起，他们再次将我装袋并戴上手铐。前几天，当他们第一次把我拉出来时，他们已经吸取了教训。我鞭打屁股，直到有人用非致命子弹射中了我。我像一袋土豆一样倒在地上。

They’d also taken my shoes and clothes the other day when I’d pulled my Houdini routine. The motherfuckers. I’d just gotten those boots broken in good.
前几天，当我完成我的 Houdini 套路时，他们还拿走了我的鞋子和衣服。混蛋们。我刚刚把那双靴子弄坏了。

Once secured me, they half-dragged, half-carried me along between them. I couldn’t see anything other than shadows. I knew exactly where we were heading. Given that they’d pulled me out of that fucking box so many times over the last couple of days, I knew the direction and route. There was a sharp stone coming up that they always bounced my knees off of.
一旦固定住我，他们就半拖半扛着我穿过他们。除了影子，我什么也看不见。我确切地知道我们要去哪里。鉴于他们在过去几天里多次把我从那个该死的盒子里拉出来，我知道方向和路线。有一块锋利的石头上来，他们总是把我的膝盖弹开。

Fuck, that hurt.
他妈的，好痛。

As usual, they managed to hit it dead on the money. My knees were fucking killing me. Hell, everything fucking hurt. I’d been beaten, electrocuted, and waterboarded. I was sure that was what I was in for again today.
像往常一样，他们设法在钱上死了。我的膝盖他妈的要了我的命。见鬼，一切都他妈的疼。我被殴打、电击和水刑。我确信这就是我今天再次遇到的事情。

They might as well fucking kill me, because I would die before I broke. They wanted troop info. Shit that, yes, I knew, to a point, but no way in hell would I ever divulge.
他们还不如他妈的杀了我，因为我会在崩溃之前死去。他们想要部队信息。妈的，是的，我知道，在某种程度上，但我绝不会透露。

I bounced off the ground as they slung me into the room. I didn’t know if it was the same one as before. I’d bounced off the hard floor so often you’d think I’d be intimately acquainted with it.
当他们把我扔进房间时，我从地上弹了起来。不知道是不是和以前一样。我经常从坚硬的地板上弹起，以至于你会认为我会非常熟悉它。

“You are stubborn man, Navy SEAL,” a voice said from above me in heavily accented English.
“你是个固执的人，海豹突击队，”一个声音从我头顶用重口音的英语说。

The man was a native Arabic speaker. He was the same man who had interrogated me whenever they pulled me from the box. I found out that smarting off to him didn’t get as much of a rise out of him as staying silent.
这名男子的母语是阿拉伯语。他就是每当他们把我从包厢里拉出来时审问我的那个人。我发现，对他聪明不语并没有像保持沉默那样让他振奋起来。

Mute it was, then.
那时，它是哑巴。

He revealed shit when angry. Shit said in Farsi that he probably thought I didn’t know. I sucked at languages. At least speaking them. I could do it, but I never sounded like a native.
他生气时就暴露了狗屎。狗屎用波斯语说，他可能以为我不知道。我对语言很糟糕。至少说它们。我可以做到，但我听起来从来不像本地人。

Unlike Foster and Rocket.
与福斯特和火箭不同。

I’d taken so many damn voice and acting classes to rid myself of the twang, but I kept that Tennessee accent no matter how hard I tried. Foster and Rocket spoke ten-plus languages apiece; no matter what they spoke, they sounded like they were born and bred in the country. On the other hand, while I knew a handful of the dialects spoken in the area, with my accent hanging on like a hair in a biscuit, conversing with someone in any of the languages I was fluent in was a nightmare.
我上了很多该死的配音和表演课来摆脱口音，但无论我多么努力，我都保持着田纳西州的口音。福斯特和火箭每人会说十多种语言;无论他们说什么，听起来都像是在乡下土生土长的。另一方面，虽然我知道该地区的一些方言，但我的口音像饼干里的头发一样悬垂着，但用我流利的任何一种语言与人交谈都是一场噩梦。

“Silence, again?” the voice asked as he grabbed the hood on my head, pulling my head up off the ground before shoving it away.
“又是沉默了？”那个声音问道，他抓住了我头上的兜帽，把我的头从地上拉了起来，然后把它推开。

My head bounced off the stone floor again. Lights flashed, and my brain throbbed.
我的头又从石头地板上弹了起来。灯光闪烁，我的大脑在跳动。

I’ll be lucky if I don’t come out of this fucking braindead.
如果我没有从这个他妈的脑残中走出来，我就很幸运了。

Or just dead.
或者只是死了。

“Tell me what I want to know! Why were US troops at that house?” he yelled into my face.
“告诉我我想知道什么！为什么美军会在那所房子里？

I responded as I had to every question presented to me since being captured. “Senior Chief Adam DuBois. United States Navy. 3487439012. February twenty-first, 1983.”
我回答了自从被俘以来向我提出的每一个问题。“高级酋长亚当·杜波依斯。美国海军。3487439012. 1983 年 2 月 21 日。

He growled, backhanding me. His fist connected with my cheekbone in just the right spot to make my eyeball feel like it had been popped. Pain struck my face like lightning, radiating throughout my body.
他咆哮着，反手打了我。他的拳头与我的颧骨连接在正确的位置，让我的眼球感觉就像被戳破了一样。疼痛像闪电一样击中我的脸，辐射到我的全身。

“You will talk to me, American. Eventually, I will find the thing that breaks you,” he said in that same garbled, broken English.
“你会和我谈谈的，美国人。最终，我会找到让你崩溃的东西，“他用同样乱码、蹩脚的英语说。

Good luck with that.
祝你好运。

“Do not fool yourself. Everyone has a breaking point.” He grabbed me by the hood again and pulled me into a sitting position.
“不要自欺欺人。每个人都有一个临界点。他再次抓住我的引擎盖，把我拉到坐姿。

I knew what was coming next. Electrodes to the sensitive areas of my body. It wasn’t the first time. It wouldn’t be so bad if it were just the electrodes, but they liked to add water to the fun and games. That was when things got real.
我知道接下来会发生什么。电极连接到我身体的敏感区域。这不是第一次了。如果只是电极也没那么糟糕，但他们喜欢在乐趣和游戏中加水。那时事情变得真实了。

As my bound hands were dragged over my head and fastened to the pulley, I let myself check out. Even though I couldn’t see anything, I closed my eyes and let memories of better days float to me. It was like I was swimming or treading water in a sea of all the best memories and events I’d ever experienced, and they ebbed and flowed until one was enough to overshadow what was happening to me physically. The memory latched onto my psyche and took over.
当我被绑住的双手被拖过头顶并固定在滑轮上时，我让自己检查了一下。尽管我什么也看不见，但我还是闭上眼睛，让美好日子的记忆浮现在我的脑海中。这就像我在我经历过的所有最美好的记忆和事件的海洋中游泳或踩水，它们潮起潮落，直到一个足以掩盖发生在我身体上的事情。记忆抓住了我的心灵并占据了主导地位。

SPRING 2004
2004 年春季

The team had been gearing up for deployment for the last few weeks. It was one of our last nights in Vah Beach. We’d only just gotten here, and we were getting ready to leave.
过去几周，该团队一直在为部署做准备。这是我们在瓦海滩的最后一晚。我们才刚到这里，就准备离开了。

I planned to get as much damn sleep in my own damn bed as I could. I was working my ass off to make it to Green Team. If things went well on this deployment, when I came home, I’d be heading to Tier One operator school.
我打算尽可能多地在自己该死的床上睡一觉。我正在努力进入绿队。如果这次部署进展顺利，当我回家时，我将前往一级作员学校。

Now that I was this close, I was doing everything I could to make sure I was up to speed on what we were heading into. I’d chatted with my counterpart, whose spot I would be taking when he rotated home, and I’d studied everything I could get my hands on about the region.
现在我已经这么接近了，我正在尽我所能确保我跟上我们即将进入的事情。我和我的对手聊天，当他轮换回家时，我将取代他的位置，我研究了我能接触到的关于该地区的一切。

It wasn’t my first deployment as a SEAL. Rocket and I’d both been sent outside the wire a few times with a few different teams to fill in when a team member was undeployable. I still couldn’t believe my dream job was now a reality.
这不是我作为海豹突击队的第一次部署。Rocket 和我都曾几次被派往电线外，与几个不同的团队一起填补团队成员无法部署的空缺。我仍然不敢相信我梦想的工作现在变成了现实。

Mine and Rocket’s.
我的和火箭的。

Brock and I had both joined the Navy on the fast track to this point. We’d walked side-by-side, saving each other’s asses every step of the way. I still couldn’t believe we’d both been chosen for the same BUD/S class, much less put on the same team upon graduation.
布洛克和我都加入了海军，走上了这一步的快车道。我们并肩而行，每一步都拯救了彼此的屁股。我仍然不敢相信我们都被选入同一个 BUD/S 班级，更不用说毕业后被编入同一个团队了。

We were transferred to Vah Beach to fill a couple of spots on the same team, which shocked us both. The reason the team had two openings was scary as fuck. Any time an operator or any service member was killed fucking sucked, but when it was someone you knew, it really fucking sucked.
我们被调到瓦海滩，填补同一团队的几个位置，这让我们俩都感到震惊。球队有两个空缺的原因他妈的可怕。任何时候，任何操作员或任何军人被杀，他妈的都很糟糕，但当它是你认识的人时，那真的他妈的很糟糕。

BANG! BANG! BANG!
砰！砰！砰！

I strode to the door and snatched it open.
我大步走到门前，把门抢开了。

“What the fuck are you doing here?” I asked the asshole on the other side.
“你他妈的在这里做什么？”我问另一边的混蛋。

Rocket held up a thirty rack and a fifth, his eyebrow cocked. “Um, I live here motherfucker.” He pushed past me. “I forgot my key.”
火箭举起一个三十个架子和第五个架子，眉毛翘起。“嗯，我住在这里，混蛋。”他推开了我。“我忘了钥匙。”

Fucking Rocket.
他妈的火箭。

He didn’t know the definition of moderation. It was all or nothing. He went all-out all the time. No stop.
他不知道适度的定义。要么全有，要么全无。他一直全力以赴。没有停止。

“So much for getting some rest,” I laughed as Brock pulled out the shot glasses. He poured us both a couple of shots and popped the lids off a couple of beers.
“休息一下就这么多了，”当布洛克掏出小酒杯时，我笑了起来。他给我们俩倒了几杯酒，然后打开了几杯啤酒的盖子。

“Fuck rest. We’re getting ready to head out for our last deployment before getting the nod for Green Team,” Rocket said as he held out a shot glass to me.
“他妈的休息吧。我们正准备在获得绿队的认可之前进行最后一次部署，“火箭一边说，一边向我递出一个小酒杯。

I took the glass, clinked it with his, slammed it on the kitchen bar, and yelled, “HOOYAH!” before I downed the shot.
我拿起杯子，与他的杯子碰了碰，把它砸在厨房的吧台上，然后大喊了一声，“HOOYAH！

If I couldn’t spend what could be my last night stateside getting some rest, I couldn’t imagine hanging out with anyone else. Everyone else on the teams had been in this exact spot. Same as I had before. Every one of us could commiserate with the nerves and anticipation that churned in my belly.
如果我不能在美国度过最后一个晚上休息一下，我无法想象和其他人一起出去玩。团队中的其他人都曾在这个位置。和我以前一样。我们每个人都能同情我肚子里翻腾的紧张和期待。

That wobbly feeling was something we all experienced the last few days at home, but Brock and I had been side-by-side from the get-go. So, no one knew exactly what I was feeling as much as Brock. He’d been right there with me; it was his last deployment before we took that final step to being Tier One operators.
这种摇摇欲坠的感觉是我们过去几天在家里都经历过的，但布洛克和我从一开始就并肩作战。所以，没有人像布洛克一样确切地知道我的感受。他就和我在一起;这是他在我们迈出成为一级运营商的最后一步之前的最后一次部署。

Plus, we were filling some pretty fucking big shoes. The guys that the team had lost were long-time members of the teams. Both had more than ten years under their belts.
另外，我们还填补了一些他妈的大鞋子。球队失去的球员都是球队的长期成员。两人都有十多年的经验。

Hours later, we were in a bar. We’d run out of Jameson and beer at the apartment, so we’d made our way to a local frogman drinking hole. It was filled with frog hogs looking for a roll in the hay with a SEAL, or maybe even two. Some were looking for something more permanent, but they were mostly clueless. SEALs were never fucking home. The divorce and breakup rate was high for us.
几个小时后，我们来到了一家酒吧。我们在公寓里喝完了詹姆森和啤酒，所以我们去了当地的蛙人酒馆。里面挤满了青蛙猪，它们用海豹突击队甚至两个在干草里寻找一卷。有些人正在寻找更永久的东西，但他们大多一无所知。海豹突击队从来都不是他妈的回家。我们的离婚和分手率很高。

My head was foggy, and my vision was swimmy. I shook my head, trying to get my eyes to both point in the same direction at the same time.
我的脑袋很模糊，我的视线在游泳。我摇了摇头，试图让我的眼睛同时指向同一个方向。

“How’d we get here?” I said to no one in particular.
“我们是怎么到这里的？”我没有特别对任何人说。

A giggle next to me pulled my attention. I swung my head around, and my whole body felt rocked as if I were in a boat in the waves offshore at Coronado.
我旁边的咯咯笑声引起了我的注意。我转过头来，整个身体都感觉摇晃着，仿佛在科罗纳多近海的海浪中乘船。

“Fuck! How much?” I asked as I teetered on my barstool. I felt like I’d been swimming in heavy surf.
“操！多少钱？我一边在高脚凳上摇摇晃晃地问道。我感觉自己就像在大浪中游泳一样。

“You motherfucker! I’m not a prostitute!” Stomping and swearing combined with a crash and laughing.
“你这个混蛋！我不是！跺脚和咒骂，再加上撞击和大笑。

I looked after her, confused. Was I talking to her? Was she talking to me?
我困惑地照顾着她。我在和她说话吗？她在和我说话吗？

“What the fuck?” I shook my head, trying to jolt the scattered pieces of my brain back into place.
“他妈的？”我摇了摇头，试图将分散的大脑碎片震回原位。

Who the fuck is laughing?
他妈的笑的是谁？

Someone slapped my shoulder. “C’mon, buddy. Lesh, get home.”
有人拍了拍我的肩膀。“来吧，伙计。莱什，回家吧。

“Whosh, Lesh?” I asked. “Why didn’t that smell…fuck! Sound right?”
“谁，莱什？”我问。“为什么没有闻起来......他妈的！听起来对吗？

A girl laughed. “Probably because you and your buddy drank more liquor tonight than six other people combined.”
一个女孩笑了起来。“可能是因为你和你的伙伴今晚喝的酒比其他六个人加起来还要多。”

Brock yelled, “Six! More like eight at leash!”
布洛克大喊：“六！更像是八个被拴住的！

The girl laughed again. “Okay, Lesh and Leash.” She laughed some more. “Let’s get you two froggies home.”
女孩又笑了起来。“好吧，莱什和皮丝。”她又笑了起来。“我们送你两只青蛙回家吧。”

“Whash your name go ge or us?” I asked. “That didn’t sound wight too.”
“你的名字是去吗，还是我们？”我问。“这听起来也不奇怪。”

She giggled while walking between Brock and me. “It’s okay, go ge or us. I understood. I’m Carly.”
她在布洛克和我之间走来走去时咯咯地笑着。“没关系，去 ge 或者我们。我理解。我是卡莉。

“Ish Carly married, Brock? Didju check?” I asked.
“伊什·卡莉结婚了，布洛克？Didju 检查？我问。

More laughter as we stumbled along.
当我们跌跌撞撞地走着时，笑声更多了。

“Yep. Shesh, all good,” Brock replied. “You assed her so many times.”
“是的。Shesh，一切都很好，“Brock 回答道。“你骂她太多次了。”

“Carly, you okay with them?” someone asked—a guy.
“卡莉，你对他们还好吗？”有人问——一个男人。

I spun on him. “You back off. Shesh jush fine.”
我转身攻击他。“你退后一步。谢什，很好。

“Come on, big guy. Time to go,” Carly said.
“来吧，大个子。是时候走了，“卡莉说。

“Not the big guy. Thash Brock. I’m big in better ways,” I replied.
“不是那个大个子。塔斯·布洛克。我在更好的方面很大，“我回答道。

I might not have been a giant, but I was packing in all the best ways.
我可能不是一个巨人，但我正在以所有最好的方式打包。

“Hey! I’m big in all the ways!” Brock yelled as Carly helped us into the car.
“嘿！我在各方面都很大！布洛克大喊，卡莉扶我们上车。

Carly laughed at us some more.
卡莉又嘲笑了我们。

“Whosh car is thish?” I asked.
“这是谁的车？”我问。

“Well, since I have no clue what either of you drive, it’s mine.” Carly opened the door to the backseat, but before she let me near the door, she said, “Do not puke in my car. Do you understand?”
“好吧，既然我不知道你们俩开什么车，那就是我的。”卡莉打开了后座的车门，但在她让我靠近车门之前，她说：“不要在我的车里呕吐。你明白吗？

I nodded my head with less control than a bobblehead and crossed my heart like I was five. “Promish.”
我点了点头，控制力不如摇头娃娃，像五岁一样划过我的心。“普罗米什。”

Carly stared at me and then at Brock. I looked at him too. I pointed at him, poking him in the chest.
卡莉盯着我看，然后盯着布洛克。我也看着他。我指着他，戳了戳他的胸口。

“No puking in the pretty girl’s car,” I told him. My head wobbled the whole time.
“不要在漂亮女孩的车里呕吐，”我告诉他。我的头一直在摇晃。

Brock saluted me. “Aye, aye!”
布洛克向我敬礼。“哎呀，哎呀！”

“Just get in the car,” Carly sighed. She walked around the car, getting behind the wheel. “I think breakfast is in order.”
“上车吧，”卡莉叹了口气。她绕着车走来走去，坐在方向盘后面。“我认为早餐是有序的。”

Breakfast was a whole ordeal, but a necessary evil. Biscuits, gravy, eggs, and fried potatoes sopped up most of the alcohol. Enough so I could appreciate just how “go ge or us” Carly was. I hadn’t realized I’d fucked up the word so badly until she corrected me on it.
早餐是一场完整的磨难，但却是一种必要的罪恶。饼干、肉汁、鸡蛋和炸土豆吸收了大部分酒精。足够了，这样我就可以体会到卡莉是多么“去吧，或者我们”。我没有意识到我把这个词搞砸了，直到她纠正了我。

Carly was fucking funny as hell. She kept up with the banter, even saddled with two drunk-ass frogs. I was happy for my buddy. Brock had found a decent girl in a sea of…well, my granny would wash my mouth out with soap if I finished that thought.
卡莉他妈的太有趣了。她跟上了玩笑，甚至背着两只醉驴青蛙。我为我的伙伴感到高兴。布洛克在一片......好吧，如果我完成这个想法，我的奶奶会用肥皂洗掉我的嘴。

“So, boys, what’s next for the two of you?” Carly asked as she wiped her mouth with the napkin from her lap.
“那么，孩子们，你们两个的下一步是什么？”卡莉一边问，一边用腿上的餐巾纸擦了擦嘴。

It had been a long time since I’d eaten with a woman. Hell, with anyone with manners or the time to use them.
我已经很久没有和女人一起吃饭了。见鬼，与任何有礼貌或有时间使用它们的人在一起。

Brock, the awkward motherfucker, just raised his eyebrows and continued shoveling food in his mouth. I scoffed and shook my head at him.
布洛克，这个笨拙的混蛋，只是扬起眉毛，继续把食物塞进嘴里。我嗤之以鼻，对他摇了摇头。

Looking back at Carly, I said, “Deployment in a few days.”
回头看着卡莉，我说：“几天后部署。

She sighed, glancing between both of us. “You’re on the same team?”
她叹了口气，瞥了一眼我们俩。“你们是同一个团队？”

Brock nodded, as did I.
布洛克点点头，我也是。

“Yep.”
“是的。”

“Well, boys, what say we have a little fun before you go play in the sand?” Carly said with a wink.
“好吧，孩子们，在你们去沙滩上玩耍之前，我们有什么意思？”卡莉眨了眨眼说。

I stared at her as a smirk spread across my face like the Grinch’s as he stared down at Whoville. I looked at Brock, and his eyes were as big as saucers. He swallowed hard; his eyes darted between Carly and me as he nodded.
我盯着她，脸上洋溢着笑容，就像格林奇低头盯着胡维尔一样。我看着布洛克，他的眼睛像碟子一样大。他用力咽了咽口水;当他点点头时，他的目光在卡莉和我之间飞来飞去。

Less than half an hour later, I shoved Carly up against the wall next to my apartment door as Brock pulled my keys out of my front pocket.
不到半小时后，我把卡莉推到公寓门旁边的墙上，布洛克从我的前口袋里掏出我的钥匙。

My brain registered how his fingers brushed over my cock before pulling out the keyring and unlocking the door. Stronger and harder, Brock’s hand felt different, but not that fucking much, and damn it actually felt good.
我的大脑记录了他的手指是如何擦过我的阴茎的，然后拔出钥匙圈并打开门。布洛克的手越来越强壮，越来越硬，但不是那么他妈的，而且该死的感觉真的很好。

Brock wrapped an arm around my chest, pulling me back to this chest. “Inside.”
布洛克用一只手臂搂住我的胸口，把我拉回这个胸口。“在里面。”

Why is that so freaking hot?
为什么这么热？

I glanced up at him as he gazed down at me.
我抬头看了他一眼，他低头看着我。

Carly rose on her tiptoes, holding onto my neck to steady herself as she whispered against Brock’s lips. “You should do that growly, sexy thing more often. It sent tingles to all the best places.”
卡莉踮起脚尖，抓住我的脖子稳住自己，同时对着布洛克的嘴唇低语。“你应该更频繁地做那种成长、性感的事情。它给所有最好的地方带来了刺痛感。

Carly captured Brock’s lips, and I felt him grow hard against my lower back.
卡莉抓住了布洛克的嘴唇，我感觉到他越来越硬地贴着我的下背部。

That’s different.
这是不同的。

I heard a door open down the hall, and I hot-footed us into my apartment before some kid saw something they didn’t need to see.
我听到走廊里有一扇门开了，我趁着我们走进我的公寓，然后一个孩子看到了他们不需要看到的东西。

Once the door closed behind us, clothes flew and hands roved. Male female…it didn’t matter who was touching what or when. All I knew were sensations. If a rough, callused hand felt better than a smooth, soft hand, it was noted, but it didn’t penetrate completely. The haze of passion and lust filled me, making my eardrums hammer erratically and keeping the logical side of my brain from working. Much.
当门在我们身后关上时，衣服飞扬，手在游荡。男 女...谁在触摸什么或何时触摸并不重要。我只知道感觉。如果一只粗糙、长满老茧的手感觉比一只光滑、柔软的手感觉更好，那么它并没有完全渗透。激情和欲望的阴霾充斥着我，让我的耳膜不稳定地敲击，让我大脑的逻辑方面无法工作。多。

The gasps and moans of Carly and Brock as I watched her suck his dick made my blood thunder through my veins like a locomotive. His cock was long and thick, stretching her mouth wide as I stretched her lips down below around my cock, pushing into her until she gagged on Brock’s dick.
当我看着卡莉和布洛克吸吮他的鸡巴时，她的喘息和呻吟声让我的血液像火车头一样在我的血管中雷鸣。他的鸡巴又长又粗，当我将她的嘴唇向下伸展到我的鸡巴周围时，她的嘴张得大大的，推入她体内，直到她堵住布洛克的鸡巴。

Brock’s eyes met mine as he threw his head back, shoving his cock further into Carly’s mouth as I set a punishing pace. I locked my eyes on Brock’s, watching pleasure catch fire and turn into an inferno inside his eyes.
布洛克的目光与我的目光相遇，他把头向后仰，将他的鸡巴进一步塞进卡莉的嘴里，而我则采取了惩罚性的步伐。我把目光锁定在布洛克的身上，看着快乐着火，在他眼中变成地狱。

I’d had threesomes in the past—several, in fact—but never like this. Never once had I noticed the other guy’s cock or pleasure. I’d never given a fuck how good he looked, what made him gasp or groan, but I noticed everything when it came to Brock. I noticed that when Carly deepthroated him, she didn’t get as much of a response as when he was only halfway in her mouth, and his cock seemed to be pushing up against the roof of her mouth.
我过去有过三人行——事实上有过几次——但从来没有像这样。我从来没有注意到对方的鸡巴或快感。我从来没有想过他长得有多好，是什么让他喘气或呻吟，但当谈到布洛克时，我注意到了一切。我注意到，当卡莉深喉他时，她并没有得到那么大的反应，当他只在她的嘴里吃一半时，他的鸡巴似乎在顶着她的上颚。

Then something struck me. A realization that came out of left field.
然后我突然想到了。这是从左外野出来的认识。

There’s never been a time when I’ve done this and it was just me with a couple of chicks.
我从来没有这样做过，只有我和几只小鸡。

Continuing to stare into Brock’s eyes, the rage of lust that blazed there burned me—melded me into something I’d never considered before. Something I’d never thought to consider. That something lit my soul on fire.
继续凝视着布洛克的眼睛，那里燃烧的欲望之怒灼烧着我——将我融入了我以前从未考虑过的东西。我从未想过要考虑的事情。那件事点燃了我的灵魂。

The body between his and mine dissolved as I moved in and out of it. I let my head roll back on my shoulders and squeezed my eyes shut to push out the thoughts that should have felt weird or foreign but didn’t. I focused on the feeling of a tight pussy around my cock, a set of soft, thick thighs before me, and a round ass in my hands.
当我进进出出时，他和我之间的尸体溶解了。我把头靠在肩膀上，闭上眼睛，把那些本该感觉奇怪或陌生但却没有的想法推出去。我专注于阴茎周围紧绷的阴户的感觉，我面前有一对柔软粗壮的大腿，以及我手中的圆屁股。

Another moan, long and low, drew my gaze. And there, waiting for me, was Brock’s gaze. His eyes were focused on my face and chest as he fucked Carly’s face.
另一声又长又低的呻吟声吸引了我的目光。在那里，等待着我的是布洛克的目光。当他操卡莉的脸时，他的眼睛集中在我的脸和胸部。

Did it seem like she was just a vessel for him too? That it was just the two of us in bed together?
难道她对他来说也只是一个容器吗？只有我们两个人一起在床上？

The thought that what was happening was between just him and me exploded in a kaleidoscope of sensations lighting up my soul. A spotlight casting all the shadows out of my mind, setting loose something I didn’t know was there but that I couldn’t fucking deny.
一想到正在发生的事情只有他和我之间，就在万花筒般的感觉中爆发，照亮了我的灵魂。聚光灯将我脑海中所有的阴影都抛开了，释放了一些我不知道在那里但又他妈无法否认的东西。

The blast of emotion settled at the base of my spine, drawing all my focus other than my gaze. That was reserved for my swim buddy. The tingling in my spine grabbed hold, forcing me into submission.
情绪的冲击波落在我的脊椎根部，吸引了我除了目光之外的所有注意力。那是为我的游泳伙伴保留的。我脊背的刺痛感抓住了我，迫使我屈服。

Spasms racked my body. I slammed my teeth together to hold back the scream that climbed up my throat. It didn’t keep it from bulldozing through my head and taking up residence like marquee lights on Broadway.
痉挛折磨着我的身体。我咬紧牙关，忍住爬上喉咙的尖叫声。它并没有阻止它像百老汇的大帐篷一样从我的脑海中推土机推平并占据主导地位。

BROCK!
布 洛 克！

“Who is Brock? Hmm?” The stilted, heavily accented voice pulled me from my happy place.
“布洛克是谁？嗯？生硬、重口音的声音把我从快乐的地方拉了出来。

I stared at the man until he chuckled. He patted me on my face.
我盯着那个人，直到他咯咯地笑了起来。他拍了拍我的脸。

“See, I knew you’d say something other than your military information, eventually.” He turned and left the room, chaining the metal door closed as he went.
“看，我知道你最终会说出你的军事信息以外的其他话。”他转身离开了房间，边走边把铁门锁上。

I sighed. I was thankful for a reprieve and that I’d not divulged anything too personal. I needed to escape, but I also needed to keep my wits about me.
我叹了口气。我很庆幸能得到缓刑，而且我没有泄露任何太私人的事情。我需要逃避，但我也需要保持理智。

As if keeping my wits about me has ever been an option with Brock Jones.
好像保持对我的智慧一直是布洛克·琼斯的一种选择。

That first night in bed with Brock was one I visited often. I visited every moment I’d spent with him. I relished them all, but it was the night I realized I’d found my person. It was also the night I realized just how much of a sense of humor God had. The few fleeting moments Brock and I had snatched over the years were all we would ever have. So, while I’d found my person, I’d never be able to have him and the career I had always dreamed of having.
和布洛克上床的第一个晚上是我经常去的。我拜访了与他共度的每一刻。我很享受它们，但那天晚上我意识到我找到了我的人。也是那个晚上，我意识到上帝有多么幽默感。这些年来，布洛克和我抢来的转瞬即逝的瞬间，就是我们所拥有的一切。所以，虽然我找到了我的人，但我永远无法拥有他和我一直梦想拥有的职业。

Everything sucks.
一切都很糟糕。

I’d never been a complainer. Brock was the team’s complainer. He complained about everything. Hot, cold, wet, dry…you name it, he bitched about it. He never let it keep him from getting shit done, but he bitched about it while doing it.
我从来不是一个抱怨者。布洛克是球队的抱怨者。他抱怨一切。热、冷、湿、干......凡是你能想到的，他都喋喋不休。他从不让它阻止他完成事情，但他在做这件事时却在抱怨。

I felt justified in my bitchiness, though. I mean, let’s be honest. If anyone had a right to bitch it was me. Instead of being returned to my cage, they’d left me strung up like a field-dressed deer in November.
不过，我觉得我的婊子是有道理的。我的意思是，说实话。如果有人有权利婊子，那就是我。他们没有被放回我的笼子里，而是把我像一只穿着野战的鹿一样挂在 11 月。

Thankfully, that’s where the resemblance to the deer ended. I hadn’t been gutted. Yet.
值得庆幸的是，与鹿的相似之处就到此为止。我没有被打碎。还。

How fucked do things have to be to be pissed you weren’t shoved into a metal crate to bake in the fucking sun?
事情要有多糟糕才能生气，你没有被塞进金属板条箱在他妈的阳光下烘烤？

My shoulders burned, though. Bad. Everything did. Pressure points were sore. I laughed at that.
不过，我的肩膀很灼热。坏。一切都做到了。压力点很痛。我笑了。

Sore?
疮？

Sore didn’t even begin to cover it. I felt like a fucking Mack truck had hit me at a hundred miles per hour. And now we needed to add crazy to the list of ailments. Because apparently I was losing my fucking mind, since I had started talking to myself.
疮甚至没有开始遮盖它。我感觉就像一辆该死的麦克卡车以每小时一百英里的速度撞到了我。现在我们需要将疯狂添加到疾病列表中。因为显然我他妈的失去了理智，因为我开始自言自语。

Granny always said the sign of senility was when you talked to yourself, and you answered back.
奶奶总是说，衰老的标志是你自言自语，然后你回答。

I wiggled in my bonds, trying to relieve some of the fire that had set up shop in my joints. The restraints offered little movement. Just enough that my joints felt loose and burned, but not enough to get any relief from the position they’d left me in.
我在束缚中扭动着，试图缓解一些在我关节中生起的火焰。束缚装置几乎没有动静。刚好让我的关节感到松弛和灼热，但还不足以从他们让我处于的位置上得到任何缓解。

Yep. The suck just got worse.
是的。糟糕的情况变得更糟了。

CHAPTER 4
第4章

BROCK
布 洛 克

SUMMER 2009
2009年夏季

We were immediately transported home upon returning to base the night Adam had been captured. Probably because they knew if they left us in country, the lot of us might just go rogue, telling command to go fuck themselves. That RTB order fucking gutted me.
亚当被俘当晚返回基地后，我们立即被送回家。可能是因为他们知道，如果他们把我们留在乡下，我们中的许多人可能会变得无赖，告诉指挥部去操自己。那个 RTB 命令他妈的让我心碎。

A Navy SEAL had been taken prisoner.
一名海豹突击队被俘。

Just the thought of it was beyond comprehension. Granted, we’d been stripped down without any identifying insignia when we’d INFIL’ed, but when—because there was no if—they started interrogating Adam, he’d identify himself as Navy.
光是想到这一点就无法理解。诚然，当我们渗透时，我们被剥光了，没有任何识别徽章，但当——因为没有如果——他们开始审问亚当时，他会表明自己是海军。

There were very few reasons for a Navy man to be geared up executing a mission like the one we’d been on, so there would be no fucking doubt as to who we were. Once the realization set in, they’d torture him to find out what we were doing there.
一个海军士兵几乎没有理由准备执行像我们曾经执行过的任务，所以我们是谁是谁是毫无疑问的。一旦意识到这一点，他们就会折磨他，以找出我们在那里做什么。

When we returned to Vah Beach, Foster didn’t even go home, which was rare. Usually, his wife, Julie, was waiting on him as soon as we were wheels-down, and she whisked him away ASAP—after giving the whole team a lesson on how best to welcome your frogman home.
当我们回到瓦海滩时，福斯特甚至没有回家，这是罕见的。通常，他的妻子朱莉（Julie）在我们停下来后立即等着他，她会尽快把他带走——在给整个团队上了一堂关于如何最好地欢迎你的蛙人回家的课程之后。

This time, instead of a show, as soon as the ramp on the plane opened, Foster had ordered us all to the cages. We’d geared up and headed to the training facility.
这一次，福斯特没有表演，而是飞机上的停机坪一打开，就命令我们所有人进入笼子。我们整装待发，前往训练设施。

Foster put us to work, pushing us relentlessly. He ran us through several training ops. And by several, I meant days of the fucking things. I didn’t think we gone home for the first three days we were stateside. We’d gone over so many different ways to breach a fucking door, I’d lost count.
福斯特让我们工作，不懈地推动我们。他带领我们进行了几次训练。我所说的几天，是指他妈的事情的日子。我不认为我们在美国的头三天没有回家。我们用了太多不同的方法来破门而入，我已经数不清了。

With Adam missing from the dynamic, Foster seemed fucking determined to get the team humming without him. It pissed me the fuck off, but he was right to fucking do it. We had to be ready when they found him. And it was when, because I fucking refused to consider the alternative.
由于亚当不在动态中，福斯特似乎他妈的决心在没有他的情况下让球队嗡嗡作响。这他妈的惹我生气了，但他他妈的这么做是对的。当他们找到他时，我们必须做好准备。就在什么时候，因为我他妈的拒绝考虑替代方案。

We’d run fucking drills, until we were falling the fuck down. We were so damn tired. Then he’d made us do it again. The sun had gone down and come back up and was heading back toward the horizon when he’d finally called it quits.
我们会进行他妈的训练，直到我们他妈的摔倒。我们太累了。然后他让我们再做一次。太阳已经下山了又升起，正朝着地平线走去，这时他终于宣布结束了。

Foster was hanging his hammock in his cage when Mercer came in.
福斯特正在把吊床挂在笼子里，这时默瑟进来了。

“Go home,” Mercer commanded as soon as the door shut behind him.
“回家吧，”门一关上，默瑟就命令道。

I turned to look at him. He was not fucking happy. Legs spread, arms crossed with that pissed-off look we rarely saw directed at us because it was usually reserved for the brass when they did something fucking stupid.
我转过身来看着他。他他妈的不高兴。双腿张开，双臂交叉，带着我们很少看到的那种生气的表情，因为当他们做一些他妈的愚蠢的事情时，这通常是为铜管保留的。

Like sending us fucking home when one of our own was sitting in some unknown hellhole.
就像当我们自己的人坐在某个未知的地狱里时，把我们送回家一样。

Foster ignored him, plopping his ass in his hammock. “Not happening.”
福斯特没有理会他，把屁股扑通一声放在吊床上。“没有发生。”

Mercer walked toward Foster. “Don’t make me order you to go the fuck home. Or worse, make me call Julie and let her know you’ve been stateside for several days without coming to see her and your kids.”
默瑟走向福斯特。“别让我命令你他妈的回家。或者更糟糕的是，让我给朱莉打电话，让她知道你已经在美国呆了好几天没有来看她和你的孩子了。

Foster glared at Mercer as he stood. “With all due respect, Commander, leave my wife out of this. The team is staying here so that word doesn’t spread that a SEAL has been captured. All Adam needs is for the media to give those motherfuckers a fucking stage to spew their bullshit.”
福斯特站着时瞪了默瑟一眼。“恕我直言，指挥官，不要让我的妻子参与其中。该团队留在这里，以免海豹突击队被俘的消息传开。亚当所需要的只是媒体给那些混蛋一个他妈的舞台来吐出他们的废话。

Foster lay back down in the hammock, and we followed suit. Mercer sighed and turned to walk away.
福斯特躺回吊床上，我们也跟着躺了下来。默瑟叹了口气，转身走开。

Just as Mercer got to the door, Foster called, “By the way, Mercer, Julie knows I’m home, and she told me to keep my fucking ass on base if I knew what was good for me.”
就在默瑟走到门口时，福斯特打来电话，“顺便说一句，默瑟，朱莉知道我到家了，她告诉我，如果我知道什么对我有好处，就把我他妈的屁股留在基地里。

Mercer laughed as he glanced over his shoulder at us. “Of course she did. Y’all get some sleep.”
默瑟笑了起来，他越过肩膀看了我们一眼。“她当然知道了。你们都睡一会儿。

Julie Holt is a damn fine Navy wife and a good fucking woman.
朱莉·霍尔特 （Julie Holt） 是一位非常优秀的海军妻子，也是一个他妈的好女人。

Lying there as the rest of the team dropped off to sleep, I stewed in the dark, scary-ass mess that had taken over my mind.
当团队的其他成员都睡着时，我躺在那里，沉浸在占据我思绪的黑暗、可怕的混乱中。

My life had changed the moment I met Adam DuBois. I’d found the person who was my other half, who made me feel shit I never thought I’d get to feel. I’d never be the same if he didn’t make it home.
当我遇到亚当·杜波依斯的那一刻，我的生活发生了变化。我找到了那个人，他是我的另一半，他让我感觉很糟糕，我从未想过我会有这种感觉。如果他没有回家，我就永远不会像以前一样了。

I sighed. Sitting on my ass waiting spun me up worse than anything on this planet. It was one thing to be waiting on a target package. That meant training. Specific training, not the generalized shit Foster had us doing. It meant gearing up, and—oh, yeah—if Foster Holt and Adam DuBois were your one and two, some more training never hurt. Much. They were sadists.
我叹了口气。坐在我的屁股上等待，让我比这个星球上的任何东西都更糟糕。等待目标包裹是一回事。这意味着培训。具体训练，而不是福斯特让我们做的笼统的狗屎。这意味着做好准备，而且——哦，是的——如果福斯特·霍尔特和亚当·杜波依斯是你的一号和二号，那么多训练永远不会有什么坏处。多。他们是虐待狂。

Doing nothing but waiting, praying a lead was uncovered or a source was found that had the information we needed, was driving us all fucking nuts. It was complete fucking hell. We weren’t just waiting for word as to whether a rescue mission would be given the green light. We also had to wait for Adam to be found when we should have still been outside the wire, kicking in doors. I still couldn’t get those fucking words out of my head.
除了等待之外什么都不做，祈祷发现线索或找到拥有我们所需信息的消息来源，这让我们都他妈的发疯。这完全是他妈的地狱。我们不仅仅是在等待救援任务是否会获得批准的消息。我们还必须等待亚当被找到，而我们本应该还在电线外，踢门。我仍然无法从脑海中抹去那些他妈的话。

“We must weigh the gravity of sending in a ground force rescue team versus the gravity of leaving things as is for the time being. We will go get our man, but we cannot kick in every door in the Middle East to do so.”
“我们必须权衡派遣地面部队救援队的严重性与暂时保持原样的严重性。我们会去找我们的人，但我们不能踢开中东的每一扇门来这样做。

The mealy-mouth cake eater who had spewed those fucking words should be thankful he was in D.C. on the other side of a screen when he’d mouthed off that fucking nonsense. We were home in Vah Beach, and I’d have been lying if I said I hadn’t given some serious thought to driving up to that viper’s nest in D.C. and taking off the admiral’s head.
那个吐出这些该死的话的吃粉嘴蛋糕的人应该庆幸他在华盛顿特区的屏幕另一边说出这些他妈的废话。我们当时在瓦海滩的家，如果我说我没有认真考虑过开车到华盛顿特区的那条毒蛇巢穴并摘下海军上将的头颅，那我就是在撒谎。

Adam had been in those fucking monsters’ hands for a week. There’d been no communication from the hostage takers. We had no fucking idea where they’d taken him, or even any clarification of what enemy combatant group had Adam.
亚当已经在那些该死的怪物手中一个星期了。人质劫持者没有任何通信。我们他妈的不知道他们把他带到了哪里，甚至不知道亚当是哪个敌方战斗组织。

We just knew he’d been taken by what appeared to be an enemy force who had come upon Adam when he was out there providing overwatch for the team. Hell, neither Daniel Lennox, the CIA agent, nor Lieutenant Maree Rakes, the Naval Intelligence officer embedded with our team, knew what group we were dealing with.
我们只知道他被一支似乎是敌军带走了，当亚当在那里为团队提供监督时，他遇到了他。见鬼，无论是中央情报局特工丹尼尔·伦诺克斯（Daniel Lennox）还是我们团队中的海军情报官员玛丽·雷克斯（Maree Rakes）中尉，都不知道我们在与哪个组织打交道。

Daniel and Maree had scoured every scrap of intel they could find since the op had gone sideways and a fuck-ton of shit leading up to the op. Daniel was good, but Maree was the absolute GOAT when it came to finding things other people couldn’t. I swore she could find shit the cavemen lost when the dinosaurs still roamed.
丹尼尔和玛丽已经搜索了他们能找到的每一个情报，因为行动已经偏离了方向，而且行动发生了一大堆狗屎。丹尼尔很好，但玛丽在发现别人找不到的东西方面绝对是山羊。我发誓她能找到恐龙还在漫游时穴居人丢失的狗屎。

That skill was proving extremely handy now. Maree had followed the vehicle Adam had been shoved into until it drove into what appeared to be an abandoned warehouse. Appeared being the operative word there, because it had been far from it.
现在事实证明，这项技能非常方便。玛丽一直跟着亚当被推上去的车辆，直到它驶入一个似乎是一个废弃的仓库。似乎是那里的作词，因为它离它很远。

Twenty minutes after rolling inside that warehouse, five identical vehicles had left. All five had exited and took off in different directions. That wouldn’t have presented too much trouble if those five hadn’t gone into three more abandoned buildings, and five more identical vehicles hadn’t, in turn, left each one of those buildings.
滚进仓库二十分钟后，五辆一模一样的车离开了。五人都离开了，并朝不同的方向起飞。如果这五辆车没有进入另外三座废弃的建筑物，而另外五辆相同的车辆又没有离开这些建筑物中的每一座，那就不会造成太大的麻烦。

Fifteen fucking identical vehicles to track.
十五辆他妈的一模一样的车辆要跟踪。

The following day, when we returned from chow, Alpha Team was pulled into another meeting. When the team got the Sit Rep, I grabbed the opportunity to do something productive and offered to help.
第二天，当我们从食物回来时，阿尔法小队被拉进了另一个会议。当团队获得 Sit 代表时，我抓住机会做一些富有成效的事情并主动提出提供帮助。

“I can watch some footage. Let me help,” I said.
“我可以看一些镜头。让我帮忙，“我说。

Everyone stared at me. They all knew there was no love lost between me and electronics, but fuck, I could watch some film. I’d been a football player. I’d spent my teens watching game film like I was being paid to do it. It had landed me several D-1 offers, but I’d turned them down for a ticket to the Great Lakes.
每个人都盯着我看。他们都知道我和电子产品之间没有失去爱，但是他妈的，我可以看一些电影。我曾经是一名足球运动员。我十几岁的时候一直在看比赛电影，就像我有报酬一样。它为我带来了几份 D-1 录取通知书，但我拒绝了他们，换取了一张去五大湖的机票。

“Jones…” Commander Mercer began.
“琼斯......”默瑟指挥官开始说。

I heard the skepticism in his voice, and it pissed me off.
我听到他声音中的怀疑，这让我很生气。

I interrupted him, “As long as it’s just fast-forwarding and rewinding videos, I can help. I cannot sit on my fucking ass and do nothing anymore.”
我打断他的话，“只要只是快进和快退视频，我都能帮忙。我不能再坐在我他妈的屁股上什么都不做了。

The room cracked up. A couple of the guys spewed whatever liquid they were drinking across the table because they thought the situation was so fucking funny.
房间里裂开了。几个人把他们喝的液体喷到桌子对面，因为他们觉得这种情况太他妈的有趣了。

Finlay Ryan, the wise-ass first-generation Irishman we had on the team, said, “Brock, mon, I know ye spend a wee bit o’ time with yer right hand. That don’ mean yer porn addiction will come in handy.”
芬利·瑞安（Finlay Ryan），我们队里聪明的第一代爱尔兰人，他说：“布洛克，老兄，我知道你花一点时间和你的右手在一起。这并不意味着你的色情成瘾会派上用场。

We were lucky that Finlay’s brogue only came out when he was pissed, drunk, or laughing his “arse” off like he was now.
我们很幸运，芬利的布洛克鞋只有在他像现在一样生气、喝醉或笑掉他的“屁股”时才会出现。

When drunk, Finlay got to the point where we all had difficulty understanding him. Except Foster because he had a full-blooded, real-life Irish grandmother who he swore never lost the lilt, as he called it.
喝醉后，芬利到了我们都难以理解他的地步。除了福斯特，因为他有一位血统纯正的、现实生活中的爱尔兰祖母，他发誓她永远不会失去他所说的轻快。

“Fuck off, you Irish bastard. I don’t need fucking porn. For your information, I spent most of my life playing football, watching film, and analyzing shit for the next game. Oh, and the football I play? It was the real deal. Not that shit you leprechauns from across the pond try to pass off as football,” I fired back at him, knowing that would get a rise.
“滚蛋，你这个爱尔兰混蛋。我他妈的不需要色情片。供您参考，我一生的大部分时间都在踢足球、看电影和为下一场比赛分析狗屎。哦，我踢的足球呢？这是真正的交易。不是你们这些来自大洋彼岸的小妖精试图冒充足球，“我向他回击，知道这会得到提升。

“Leprechauns? Ye fecking gobshite!” he yelled, banging his fist on the table as he stood to come after me. “I’ll show you a leprechaun! Ye Yanks wouldna fecking know football if one hit ye upside ye fecking heads! Wrapped up in bubble wrap like a wee one still on its mam’s tit. Fecking pussies!”
“妖精？你这些混蛋！“他大喊，一边用拳头敲打桌子，一边站起来追我。“我给你看一个小妖精！你们这些混蛋，如果有人把你们的脑袋打倒，他们就不会懂足球了！被气泡膜包裹着，就像一只还在妈妈奶子上的小狗一样。该死的阴户！

Finlay mixed up his slang and colloquialisms when pissed off. I loved getting him riled up until he lost it. He did the same to me. We poked fun at one another until we lost our cool, and then we sat back and enjoyed the show. I’d considered selling tickets as a side hustle.
芬利生气时混淆了俚语和口语。我喜欢让他生气，直到他失去它。他对我做了同样的事情。我们互相取笑，直到失去冷静，然后我们坐下来欣赏表演。我曾考虑过将卖票作为副业。

Foster shoved the raging Finlay back into his chair as I laughed.
福斯特把愤怒的芬利推回椅子上，我笑了起来。

And then it hit me. Like a ton of bricks. The realization that for the first time since Adam had been taken, I’d laughed.
然后它击中了我。就像一吨砖头一样。意识到自从亚当被带走以来，我第一次笑了。

Just as quickly, though, all joy and fun faded as guilt rushed in. I closed my eyes, stood, and walked out, punching the wall as I went through the door.
然而，同样很快，所有的快乐和乐趣都随着内疚的涌入而消失。我闭上眼睛，站起来，走出去，一边进门，一边打在墙上。

I walked until the anger in me exploded, forcing me into a dead run. I’d get my ass chewed for running through the halls of the building, but I didn’t give a fuck. Nothing fucking made sense.
我走到我内心的愤怒爆发，迫使我走入死路。我会因为跑过大楼的大厅而被咬屁股，但我没有他妈的。他妈的没有任何意义。

I hit my stride and headed to the O-Course. I’d been avoiding so many places on base and around town. Without Adam, I just couldn’t face going to our favorite spots or spending time where we’d made so many memories. But I needed to burn off some of these damn emotions. Maybe if I could get myself front-sight focused, I’d be able to keep my fucking self in check.
我迈开大步，前往 O 赛道。我一直在避开基地和城镇周围的很多地方。没有亚当，我无法面对去我们最喜欢的地方或度过我们留下如此多回忆的地方。但我需要烧掉一些这些该死的情绪。也许如果我能让自己专注于前视，我就能控制住我他妈的自己。

My feet pounded the ground. My heart raced frantically, but no matter how hard I pushed my body, my mind and the thoughts swirling inside could not be caught. Memories spun so fast that they blinded me. So, I just kept running.
我的脚踩在地上。我的心疯狂地跳动着，但无论我如何用力推动自己的身体，我的思想和内心盘旋的思绪都无法捕捉到。记忆旋转得如此之快，以至于它们使我失明。所以，我只是继续奔跑。

Thuds sounded around me. I knew the sound of feet hitting the ground around me as well as my own. My brothers. The eight of us were a unit, but the tempo was out of sync. There was a set of thuds missing. And that silence, that gaping fucking hole in our team’s cadence, just reminded me of what I—we—were missing.
砰砰声在我周围响起。我知道脚踩在我周围地面的声音，也知道我自己的声音。我的兄弟们。我们八个人是一个整体，但节奏不同步。缺少一组砰砰声。而那种沉默，我们团队节奏中那个他妈的洞，只是让我想起了我——我们——错过了什么。

I stopped, glancing down at my watch, and saw I’d been at it for quite a while. I’d clocked nine miles in just about an hour. That I did it in jeans and boots just went to prove the forty percent rule. Even when your brain said you were down for the count, you still had sixty percent left to give.
我停了下来，低头看了一眼手表，发现我已经做了很长一段时间了。我在大约一个小时内跑完了九英里。我穿着牛仔裤和靴子这样做只是为了证明百分之四十的规则。即使你的大脑说你已经倒下了，你仍然有 60% 可以付出。

I had so much left in the tank, and I had to put all that effort and energy into finding Adam. Not running myself fucking ragged on the O-Course. Adam was fucking coming home if it was the last fucking thing I did. He would set foot on American soil again, and it wouldn’t be inside a fucking box.
我的油箱里还剩下太多东西，我必须付出所有的努力和精力来寻找亚当。我他妈的在 O 赛道上衣衫褴褛地跑。如果这是我做的最后一件他妈的事情，亚当他妈的回家了。他会再次踏上美国的土地，而且它不会在一个该死的盒子里。

“You done with PT for the day, Jones?” Finlay asked.
“你今天的 PT 已经结束了，琼斯？”芬利问道。

The run must’ve burned off his bad temper. He was sweating and smiling like we hadn’t just damn near sprinted for the last hour.
这次奔跑一定烧掉了他的坏脾气。他满头大汗，面带微笑，就像我们在过去一个小时里没有差点冲刺一样。

“Yep.” I pulled my t-shirt up, wiped my face, and ran my hands through my hair. “I need chow, and a shower and a change of clothes. Then I’m going to pop a squat in the command center to watch TV until I see a friendly face.”
“是的。”我拉起 T 恤，擦了擦脸，用手捋了捋头发。“我需要食物、淋浴和换洗衣服。然后我要蹲在指挥中心看电视，直到我看到一张友好的脸。

Later that day, after refueling and scrubbing the stank off, I walked into the command center. Maree showed me to a computer, assured me I couldn’t fuck anything up too badly, and got the film rolling.
那天晚些时候，在加油并擦去臭味后，我走进了指挥中心。玛丽带我去一台电脑前，向我保证我不会把任何事情搞砸得太糟糕，然后开始了电影。

That was where I stayed over the next several days. In the command center, in front of that computer, watching every video link I was given, helping them pour over the footage. So far, we’d gotten some identifying info off about half of the vehicles. We were still looking for several of them that seemed to have disappeared off the face of the planet.
接下来的几天，我就在那里住了。在指挥中心，在那台电脑前，观看给我的每一个视频链接，帮助他们翻阅录像。到目前为止，我们已经从大约一半的车辆上获得了一些身份信息。我们仍在寻找其中几颗似乎已经从地球表面消失的鸟。

I rubbed my burning eyes and dragged my hand through my shaggy hair. I couldn’t have told you the last time I’d showered other than it was when Maree threatened to pull me in front of command for assaulting an officer. When I argued, she’d said the smell was enough to knock her down.
我揉了揉灼热的眼睛，用手拽着蓬松的头发。我不能告诉你我上次洗澡是什么时候，除了玛丽威胁要把我拉到指挥部面前，因为我袭击了一名警官。当我争吵时，她说气味足以让她击倒。

My eyes burned so damn bad. I’d been staring at a screen and not getting any fucking sleep for the last hundred or so hours, which was a great fucking cover story. But I couldn’t deny that some of the bleary vision, gritty feeling, and redness was due to my emotions getting the better of me. Tears had plagued me off and on over the last week, especially when I’d been idle. That was why I was here. When I was front-sight focused, I could keep shit at bay for the most part.
我的眼睛灼伤得厉害。在过去的一百个多小时里，我一直盯着屏幕，没有睡过觉，这是一个很棒的封面故事。但我不能否认，一些模糊的视力、坚韧不拔的感觉和发红是由于我的情绪战胜了我。在过去的一周里，眼泪断断续续地困扰着我，尤其是当我无所事事的时候。这就是我在这里的原因。当我专注于前视时，我大部分时间都可以把狗屎拒之门外。

I zeroed in, laser-focused on finding Adam. I scoured every second of the footage. I’d gone over some bits and pieces ten or more times.
我将注意力集中在寻找亚当上。我搜索了镜头的每一秒。我已经把一些零碎的东西看了十次或更多次。

The lack of progress was killing me. I needed a target to hit. Since my fuse was short enough as it was, the longer this dragged out, the more my mood deteriorated and the shorter my fuse got. I glanced at the BS going on over at the coffee pot and reached for my headphones to drown out the chatter going on around me.
缺乏进展正在杀死我。我需要一个目标来击中。由于我的保险丝足够短，拖的时间越长，我的情绪就越糟糕，我的保险丝就越短。我瞥了一眼咖啡壶那边的 BS，伸手去拿耳机，以淹没周围的喋喋不休。

Maree had suggested I’d put on my headphones yesterday when I’d almost taken the head off an Ensign for cracking a joke.
昨天，当我因为开个玩笑而差点把少尉的头砍下来时，玛丽建议我戴上耳机。

Don’t these assholes realize Adam is on borrowed fucking time?
难道这些混蛋没有意识到亚当是借来的他妈的时间吗？

I glared at the two Chatty Cathys and turned up the volume on my headset. The playlist that blared in my ears was the one I used to zone out. I was a diehard grunge fan. I’d even partially converted Adam from his beloved country to the edgier, grungier side of music.
我瞪了两个健谈的凯茜，调高了耳机的音量。在我耳边响起的播放列表是我曾经分心的播放列表。我是一个铁杆垃圾摇滚粉丝。我什至将亚当从他心爱的国家部分转变为音乐中更前卫、更粗犷的一面。

As the song flipped to something raw, the bass line fucking filthy just the way I liked it, I caught sight of something we’d all been searching for for days.
当这首歌变成一些原始的东西时，低音线他妈的肮脏，就像我喜欢的那样，我看到了我们几天来一直在寻找的东西。

I clicked some buttons, and there on the screen, big as the hole in my fucking heart, was a sign. Adam’s call sign patch was in the back glass of the SUV I’d just come across. I sank into my chair. It would’ve been so easy to miss.
我点击了一些按钮，屏幕上有一个标志，就像我他妈的心脏上的洞一样大。亚当的呼号贴片在我刚刚遇到的 SUV 的后玻璃上。我坐在椅子上。很容易错过。

“I FOUND HIM!” I yelled, jumping up from my chair as I yanked my headphones from my head.
“我找到他了！”我大喊一声，从椅子上跳起来，同时把耳机从头上拉下来。

Daniel and Maree came running. When they stopped behind my chair, I pointed out the patch. Maree shoved me aside, did some of her voodoo magic computer shit, and hugged me.
丹尼尔和玛丽跑了过来。当他们停在我的椅子后面时，我指着补丁。玛丽把我推到一边，做了一些她的巫毒魔法电脑狗屎，然后拥抱了我。

“That’s him. You did it, you big-ass lummox! We might make you something other than a knuckle-dragging door kicker yet.” Her voice rose at least an octave as excitement and relief took over.
“就是他。你做到了，你这个大屁股的 lummox！我们可能会给你做一些别的东西，而不是一个拖着指关节的踢门器。她的声音提高了至少一个八度，兴奋和宽慰占据了上风。

I dropped back into the chair I’d spent most of the last week in. My head fell into my hands as I tried to curb the emotions slowly bubbling up inside me. It wasn’t much. I knew that. I also knew we were still days behind, but at least we now knew the direction Adam had been transported.
我坐回了上周大部分时间都坐着的椅子上。当我试图抑制内心慢慢涌现的情绪时，我的头落在了我的手中。这并不多。我知道这一点。我也知道我们还落后了几天，但至少我们现在知道亚当被传送到了哪个方向。

“Okay. You need to shower, grab some grub, and rack out for a bit,” Maree said softly.
“好的。你需要洗澡，拿点蛴螬，然后躺一会儿，“玛丽轻声说。

I looked at her and noticed everyone else had shuffled off to their respective stations. I opened my mouth, and she steeled her spine and gaze, the officer showing up instead of my friend.
我看着她，注意到其他人都拖着脚步走到了各自的岗位上。我张开嘴，她坚定了脊梁和目光，警官代替我的朋友出现了。

Maree crossed her arms, arched her brow, and said, “Do not argue with me, Brock. When we find a target, you need to be ready, because we will send everything we’ve got after Adam.”
玛丽交叉双臂，拱起眉头，说：“不要和我争论，布洛克。当我们找到目标时，你需要做好准备，因为我们会把我们所有的一切都送到亚当身上。

I nodded. She was right. I couldn’t risk being seen as undeployable when the time came, and if I continued down this path, I would be. Commander Mercer and Foster Holt would not hesitate to order me to sit my ass at home if either of them thought I wasn’t ready to spin up when the call came.
我点点头。她是对的。我不能冒着在时机成熟时被视为无法部署的风险，如果我继续沿着这条路走下去，我就会这样做。默瑟指挥官和福斯特·霍尔特会毫不犹豫地命令我坐在家里，如果他们中的任何一个认为我在电话来时还没有准备好旋转。

Standing from the chair, I straightened to my full height. Maree wasn’t a tiny woman, but I towered nearly a foot taller than her.
我从椅子上站起来，挺直了身子。玛丽不是一个小女人，但我比她高了将近一英尺。

She was around five and a half feet tall, but built like a straight boy’s wet dream. Her arms were cut, and I knew for a fact she was hiding a six-pack underneath that uniform shirt. She liked to run with the team, and she did so in a pair of leggings and a sports bra, even though we ragged her for it since we ran in full gear. She would laugh and say she didn’t have to do asinine shit like that unless she wanted to, and she wasn’t that stupid.
她大约有五英尺半高，但身材却像一个异性恋男孩的梦遗。她的手臂被割伤了，我知道她在那件制服衬衫下面藏着一个六块腹肌。她喜欢和团队一起跑步，她穿着一条紧身裤和一件运动胸罩，尽管我们全副武装地跑步，所以我们因此让她衣衫褴褛。她会笑着说，除非她愿意，否则她不必做那样的狗屎，而且她并没有那么愚蠢。

“Aye, aye, Lieutenant,” I smarted off, giving her a two-finger salute as I strode out of the command center.
“是的，是的，中尉，”我聪明地离开了，在大步走出指挥中心时向她敬了两根手指。

I strode down the hall to the showers and cages. I stripped down and slipped under the scalding hot water. I still couldn’t believe how long it’d been since I’d last seen Adam’s gorgeous face. I could remember the first time I admitted I was attracted to him.
我大步沿着走廊走到淋浴间和笼子里。我脱光衣服，滑到滚烫的热水下。我仍然不敢相信我已经有多久没有看到亚当美丽的脸庞了。我还记得我第一次承认我被他吸引的情景。

SPRING 2004
2004 年春季

Fucking sand every-damn-where. I mean, yeah, we were in the fucking desert. I expected it to be everywhere when you were outside, but motherfucker, it was inside, outside, floating in the air, in the sheets on your bed. Just everywhere. And to make it even worse, I fucking swore I ate more sand than I did chow.
到处都是他妈的沙子。我的意思是，是的，我们在该死的沙漠里。当你在外面时，我以为它会无处不在，但该死的，它在里面，在外面，漂浮在空中，在你床上的床单上。无处不在。更糟糕的是，我他妈的发誓我吃的沙子比吃沙子还多。

One of the new guys on the team that had rotated home when we had rotated in told me it was fucking awful, but Jesus Christ. It was overwhelming how you couldn’t get away from the sand. Not even a shower worked. As soon as you washed it off, the second you stepped out of the shower, you were covered in the fucking irritating shit immediately.
当我们轮换时，团队中的一个新人告诉我，这他妈的太糟糕了，但耶稣基督。你无法摆脱沙滩，真是令人难以承受。连淋浴都不起作用。你一洗掉它，你从淋浴间出来的那一刻，你立刻就被他妈的恼人的狗屎弄得满身都是。

If we were doing something other than settling in and getting our shit sorted, maybe that would have helped take my mind off shit, but we’d only been here two days.
如果我们做点什么而不是安顿下来并整理好我们的狗屎，也许这会帮助我摆脱狗屎，但我们只在这里呆了两天。

After two fucking years of training and a two-year deployment rotation in Coronado, Adam and I were finally headed to Vah Beach. We were fucking Navy SEALs, and we were only a step away from getting our shot.
经过两年的训练和在科罗纳多的两年部署轮换，亚当和我终于前往瓦海滩。我们他妈的海豹突击队，我们离开枪只有一步之遥。

Adam and I both had one more goal we wanted to achieve, but we were trained and deployed with our team. Only one more deployment after this, and we would get recommended to Green Team, the training team for DevGru. At least, that was the hope.
亚当和我都有一个我们想要实现的目标，但我们接受了培训并与我们的团队一起部署。在此之后，只需再进行一次部署，我们就会被推荐给 DevGru 的培训团队 Green Team。至少，这是希望。

They were the tip of the spear. The elite of the elite. They were our ultimate goal.
他们是矛尖。精英中的精英。他们是我们的最终目标。

We’d settled into Adam’s apartment when we’d gotten to Vah Beach from Coronado. We’d found a couple of units in the same building. Adam’s unit had been ready when we’d arrived, but mine would be a few weeks. The sailor who lived there was still deployed because the ship’s orders had changed.
当我们从科罗纳多到达瓦海滩时，我们已经住进了亚当的公寓。我们在同一栋楼里找到了几个单元。我们到达时，亚当的单位已经准备就绪，但我的单位需要几周的时间。住在那里的水手仍然被部署，因为船的命令发生了变化。

We hadn’t been so lucky when we’d gotten assigned our SEAL Team because the team was up for almost immediate deployment when we got to Vah Beach. With deployment looming over our heads, we’d decided to share the unit until we got back from where-the-fuck-ever.
当我们被分配到海豹突击队时，我们就没那么幸运了，因为当我们到达瓦海滩时，海豹突击队几乎立即部署。随着部署迫在眉睫，我们决定共享这个单位，直到我们从他妈的任何地方回来。

With all the upheaval, I knew Adam was stressed. It was his default setting when unknown shit popped up. He could handle anything thrown at him, but he liked having a plan in place.
在所有的动荡中，我知道亚当压力很大。这是他的默认设置，当未知的狗屎突然出现时。他可以处理任何扔给他的东西，但他喜欢有一个计划。

Me? I was called Rocket for any number of reasons. I was fast as fuck, and I flew by the seat of my pants on the regular.
我？出于多种原因，我被称为火箭。我他妈的快得要命，而且我从我的裤子座位上飞过。

We’d been with our team for two weeks when we’d finally gone wheels up. Which was also just a few days after the night Carly took us home.
我们和我们的团队在一起两周后，我们终于开始了。这也是卡莉带我们回家的那天晚上几天后。

Or did we take her home?
还是我们带她回家了？

I mean, she’d driven, but it was Adam’s place, and we’d both fucked her. Or rather, Adam had fucked her while I watched. I mean, yeah, Carly had sucked my cock like a pro, which most of the women I’d let down there sucked at—and not in a good way—but she hadn’t been my focus.
我的意思是，她开车了，但那是亚当的地方，我们都操过她。或者更确切地说，亚当在我看着的时候操了她。我的意思是，是的，卡莉像专业人士一样吸吮我的鸡巴，我让大多数女人都吸吮过——而且不是以一种好的方式——但她并不是我的焦点。

Not in the fucking least. No matter how good she was at giving head, neither she nor the orgasm that hit me could have distracted me from the sight of Adam DuBois blowing his load, even if Carly had been on the receiving end.
他妈的一点也不。无论她多么擅长给头，无论是她还是击中我的高潮都无法分散我对亚当·杜波依斯吹气的景象的注意力，即使卡莉是接收端。

If I was honest with myself—and I’d promised myself I was done denying who and what I was—I’d been attracted to Adam the moment I’d laid eyes on him.
如果我对自己诚实——并且我向自己保证，我已经不再否认我是谁和我是什么了——当我看到亚当的那一刻，我就被他所吸引。

He was so fucking gorgeous. When we’d first met nearly four years ago, the towers hadn’t come down, and we were both scrawny-ass little shits entirely out of our element on our way to hand our lives over to the United States Government.
他他妈的太漂亮了。将近四年前，当我们第一次见面时，塔楼还没有倒塌，我们俩都是骨瘦如柴的小狗屎，在将生命交给美国政府的路上完全不合时宜。

I thought that would be the defining moment of my life. But I was wrong—so damn wrong. The moment I saw Adam, my soul recognized him, and any thought of anyone else took a backseat on the spare bus that had broken down at least half a mile back.
我以为那将是我人生的决定性时刻。但我错了——大错特错。当我看到亚当的那一刻，我的灵魂认出了他，在至少半英里后抛锚的备用公共汽车上，任何对其他人的想法都退居二线。

Adam DuBois was my person. My other half. I was just the unlucky bastard whose soulmate was straight. At least, I thought so. Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell kept me from being positive.
亚当·杜波依斯是我的人。我的另一半。我只是一个灵魂伴侣是异性恋的倒霉蛋。至少，我是这么认为的。“不问，不说”让我无法保持积极态度。

The longer I thought about that night with Carly, the more I remembered Adam staring into my eyes as he came.
我越想和卡莉在一起的那个晚上，我就越想起亚当来的时候盯着我的眼睛。

What if I’m wrong? What if he’s not straight?
如果我错了怎么办？如果他不是异性恋怎么办？

CHAPTER 5
第五章

ADAM
亚当

SUMMER 2009
2009年夏季

The only easy day was yesterday.
唯一轻松的一天是昨天。

Some might have thought yesterday wasn’t easy. I was a POW, but I’d made it through the day alive. I’d lived to fight another day. That was what mattered.
有些人可能认为昨天并不容易。我是一名战俘，但我活着度过了这一天。我还活着再战一天。这才是最重要的。

I wasn’t so sure about the person they’d dragged out of the box next to me that first day. At least, I assumed it was a box next to me. There was a distinct sound of metal gliding on metal like when I had been shoved into this fucking box.
我不太确定第一天他们从我旁边的盒子里拖出来的人。至少，我以为这是我旁边的一个盒子。有一种明显的金属在金属上滑动的声音，就像我被塞进这个该死的盒子里一样。

I was lying down, my arms folded behind my head, my knees bent so I’d fit inside my dog crate. It was the best way to describe the metal box they’d shoved me into. The front portion of the box was so fucking hot during the day. It had to be sitting out in the open with the sun hitting it from sunup to sundown. There wasn’t any other way for it to be that fucking hot. It was only the first few feet from the door, though. The rest was hot inside the box, but the metal itself wasn’t hot to the touch.
我躺着，双臂交叉在脑后，膝盖弯曲，这样我就可以放进我的狗笼里了。这是描述他们把我塞进去的金属盒子的最好方式。盒子的前部白天他妈的太热了。它必须坐在露天，从日出到日落，阳光照射着它。没有其他方法可以让它变得那么热。不过，这只是离门的最初几英尺。盒子里的其余部分很热，但金属本身摸起来并不热。

Stuck inside this box for what I believed to be a week, I had nothing to keep me occupied. Other than the times they came for me. The times they tortured me. I didn’t let that shit into my mind. So whenever they popped up, I pushed them out of my mind.
我被困在这个盒子里，我相信已经是一个星期了，我没有什么可以让我有事可做的。除了他们来找我的时候。他们折磨我的时候。我没有让这些狗屎进入我的脑海。所以每当它们出现时，我都会把它们从脑海中挤出来。

I had to keep the good shit in my head. I couldn’t allow them to break me. That meant I had to find other things to keep my mind occupied. The thing was, there was nothing but thoughts of what I might lose if I never made it back home to right the fuck-ups I’d made.
我必须把好东西记在脑子里。我不能让他们击垮我。这意味着我必须找到其他事情来保持我的注意力。问题是，除了想到如果我永远无法回家纠正我所犯的错误，我可能会失去什么。

SPRING 2004
2004 年春季

My cock was hard as fucking rock. Nestled up against something soft and warm. The body spooned in front of me felt soft and lush, but the one under my hand wasn’t.
我的鸡巴像他妈的石头一样坚硬。依偎在柔软温暖的东西上。舀在我面前的尸体感觉柔软而茂盛，但我手下的那具却不是。

My eyes popped open. Sunlight streamed through the blinds that hadn’t been closed the night before. The brightness pierced my skull, burning a hole through my head into my brain.
我睁开了眼睛。阳光透过前一天晚上还没有关上的百叶窗洒进来。光芒刺穿了我的头骨，从我的脑袋里烧出了一个洞。

I blinked several times until my eyes adjusted to the light. When things finally settled into place and I no longer felt like the sun had taken up residence in my head, shock filled me.
我眨了好几下眼睛，直到我的眼睛适应了光线。当事情终于稳定下来，我不再觉得太阳在我的脑海中占据了位置时，我感到震惊。

Holy fucking shit!
天哪，他妈的！

I was in bed with Brock. My hand gripped his thigh just below his fucking ass. And my dick was half-hard.
我和布洛克在床上。我的手抓住了他的大腿，就在他他妈的屁股下面。我的鸡巴半硬了。

What the fucking hell?
他妈的是什么鬼？

A soft sigh came from between him and me. I looked down and saw a mane of dark curly hair covering a girl’s face where she had it pressed into Brock’s thick, hairy chest. Her hand was curled under her chin, twisted in his chest hair.
我和他之间发出一声轻柔的叹息。我低头一看，看到一头深色卷发覆盖着一个女孩的脸，她把它压在布洛克厚实多毛的胸膛里。她的手蜷缩在下巴下，扭动在他的胸毛上。

Chest hair that looked soft and springy. My fingers tingled with the urge to touch it. I closed my eyes and refocused on the girl.
胸毛看起来柔软而有弹性。我的手指因想要触摸它的冲动而刺痛。我闭上眼睛，重新聚焦在女孩身上。

What is her name? Chelsea? Cami? Car…Carly! That’s it.
她叫什么名字？切尔西？卡米？汽车。。。卡莉！就是这样。

Her ass was nestled into my lap. Brock’s legs were twined with hers and mine. I took a deep breath, ready to roll away, but Brock’s eyes opened.
她的屁股依偎在我的腿上。布洛克的腿与她和我的双腿缠绕在一起。我深吸了一口气，准备，但布洛克的眼睛睁开了。

Those bright blue eyes that seemed to be able to see my soul peered at me. They burned with a heat I’d recognized from last night. His leg twitched under my hand, and when Carly burrowed deeper between us, I realized where Brock’s hand was and that it wasn’t just Carly’s ass that had caused the massive boner that was making me lightheaded.
那双明亮的蓝眼睛，仿佛能看见我的灵魂，凝视着我。它们燃烧着我昨晚认出的热量。他的腿在我的手下抽搐，当卡莉在我们之间钻得更深时，我意识到布洛克的手在哪里，而且不仅仅是卡莉的屁股导致了让我头晕目眩的巨大勃起。

Brock’s hand gripped Carly’s ass cheek…and also my dick. Lust pooled in my balls, making them ache so bad I couldn’t hold still. I thrust forward, and his hand tightened around me.
布洛克的手抓住了卡莉的屁股脸颊......还有我的鸡巴。欲望积聚在我的睾丸里，让它们疼痛得我无法保持静止。我向前挺了一下，他的手紧紧地搂住了我。

I swallowed. Brock’s eyes dropped to watch my mouth and throat. He leaned in, pressing himself closer. His eyes never left mine. I stared at his mouth as his tongue came out to lick his lips. My cock was hard enough to pound nails.
我咽了咽口水。布洛克垂下眼睛看着我的嘴和喉咙。他俯身，将自己压得更近。他的眼睛从未离开过我的眼睛。我盯着他的嘴，他的舌头伸出来舔他的嘴唇。我的鸡巴硬到可以敲指甲。

Watching Brock come closer, the heat in his eyes flashed. His lips were wet and pink, maybe even a little swollen and puffy from the night before. It sent a shot of adrenaline to my heart and lungs, causing my heart to race, and my breaths come in soft, shallow pants.
看着布洛克走近，他眼中闪过一丝热度。他的嘴唇湿漉漉的，呈粉红色，甚至可能因为前一天晚上而有点肿胀和浮肿。它向我的心脏和肺部输送了一股肾上腺素，让我的心跳加速，我的呼吸在柔软、浅的裤子里传来。

My brain screamed at me while my eyes drifted closed, reminding me that I wasn’t gay. I ignored it because everything in me wanted to know how his lips felt against mine. If they felt half as good as his hand did against my cock, I would…
我的大脑对我尖叫，同时我闭上眼睛，提醒我我不是同性恋。我忽略了它，因为我内心的一切都想知道他的嘴唇贴在我的嘴唇上的感觉如何。如果它们的感觉只有他手对我鸡巴的感觉一半，我会......

BUZZ!
巴 斯！

BUZZ!
巴 斯！

Twin buzzes caused my eyes to flash open. Brock’s gaze met mine. The fire in his smoldering blue eyes went out immediately as the walls flew up, shutting out all the emotion as he backed away.
双声嗡嗡声让我睁开了眼睛。布洛克的目光与我的目光相遇。当墙壁飞起时，他阴燃的蓝眼睛里的火焰立即熄灭，当他后退时，所有的情绪都被拒之门外。

“Turn off the alarm,” mumbled a girlish voice. The sound was muffled by Brock’s chest and from under the riotous mess of hair.
“关掉闹钟，”一个少女般的声音喃喃自语。声音被布洛克的胸膛和乱七八糟的头发下面压制住了。

I rolled my ass out of the bed to find our phones. My pants and Brock’s jeans were in a heap with a pair of tiny-ass tennis shoes and a miniskirt. I pulled my jeans on, leaving the fly open. I grabbed Brock and Carly’s clothes and headed back to the bedroom.
我从床上滚了起来，去找我们的手机。我的裤子和布洛克的牛仔裤堆成一堆，还有一双小屁股网球鞋和一条迷你裙。我穿上牛仔裤，让门襟敞开。我抓起布洛克和卡莉的衣服，回到卧室。

Brock was sitting on the side of the bed with his head in his hands while Carly climbed out of the bed, wrapping the sheet around her as she stared over her shoulder at Brock’s back. Carly walked by me, stopping to drop a kiss at the corner of my mouth. Brock glanced over at us, but quickly turned away.
布洛克坐在床边，双手抱着头，而卡莉则从床上爬下来，用床单裹住她，同时她越过肩膀盯着布洛克的背影。卡莉从我身边走过，停下来在我的嘴角吻了一下。布洛克瞥了我们一眼，但很快就转过身去。

Carly took her clothes from me and said, “I had a blast last night, but I’ve gotta get out of here. Y’all be safe.”
卡莉从我手中夺过她的衣服，说：“我昨晚玩得很开心，但我必须离开这里。你们都注意安全。

She disappeared into the bathroom.
她消失在浴室里。

“You cool?” I asked once the bathroom door was shut.
“你很酷？”浴室门关上后，我问道。

Brock huffed a laugh. “Yeah, man. I’m cool.”
布洛克笑了起来。“是的，伙计。我很酷。

He stood, taking his jeans from me. I couldn’t help it when my eyes roamed his chest and abs. That need to touch and explore flared back to life as I stared at him.
他站起来，从我手中夺走了牛仔裤。当我的目光游荡在他的胸部和腹肌上时，我忍不住了。当我盯着他时，那种触摸和探索的需求又重新燃起。

My eyes returned to his face when I finally pulled my gaze away from his body. A confused Brock stared back at me. He’d been watching me check him out.
当我终于将视线从他的身体上移开时，我的目光又回到了他的脸上。困惑的布洛克回头盯着我。他一直在看着我检查他。

I sighed and pulled my phone from my pocket. “Fuck! We’ve been called to base. They’re deploying us today.”
我叹了口气，从口袋里掏出手机。“操！我们被召唤到基地。他们今天正在部署我们。

Ten hours later, we were wheels up and headed to the sandpit. The brass had decided to send our team ahead of the rest of the unit to relieve the team already in country so they could rotate home after a couple of bad ops.
十个小时后，我们举起车轮前往沙坑。高层决定派我们的团队领先于该部队的其他成员，以解救已经在国内的团队，这样他们就可以在几次糟糕的行动后轮换回家。

I’d wanted desperately to talk to Brock about what happened before we left so that we had all our shit together and there wasn’t any weirdness, but even after a week in Iraq, I still hadn’t broached the topic.
我本来很想和布洛克谈谈我们离开之前发生的事情，这样我们就可以把所有的事情都放在一起，没有任何奇怪的事情，但即使在伊拉克呆了一个星期后，我仍然没有提出这个话题。

I was a complete chickenshit, but a week or so later, Brock found the nerve I didn’t think I ever would’ve.
我是一个彻头彻尾的鸡屎，但大约一周后，布洛克找到了我认为我永远不会的神经。

“Do you do stuff like that often?” Brock asked as we sat out next to the fire pit, trying not to freeze our nuts off.
“你经常做这样的事情吗？”布洛克问道，我们坐在火坑旁边，尽量不冻死我们的坚果。

“Stuff like what?” I asked.
“什么？”我问。

I knew what he meant, but I wasn’t ready to discuss it. I was fucking confused as fuck. The realization I’d had while I was balls-deep in Carly’s pussy had me fucked up.
我知道他的意思，但我还没有准备好讨论它。我他妈的糊涂得他妈的。当我在卡莉的阴户里深陷时，我意识到这让我搞砸了。

He looked around before he simply said, “Carly.”
他环顾四周，然后简单地说：“卡莉。

I stared straight into that fire, hoping the heat in my cheeks could be blamed on the heat from the flames.
我直视着那团火，希望我脸颊上的热能归咎于火焰的热量。

“Woody? Did you hear me?” Brock asked.
“伍迪？你听到了吗？布洛克问道。

I grabbed water and chugged it, tossing the empty bottle toward the trash can.
我抓起水大口大口喝，把空瓶子扔向垃圾桶。

“Yeah, and no. Not often. I’ve done it a couple of times, but it’s not a regular thing.” I leaned forward, propping my elbows on my knees. I lowered my voice and asked, “Um, what about you?”
“是的，也不是。不经常。我已经这样做过几次了，但这不是一件经常发生的事情。我身体前倾，肘部撑在膝盖上。我压低声音问：“嗯，那你呢？

He shook his head no but didn’t say anything for the longest time. “No. I’ve never done that before.”
他摇摇头，没有，但很久没有说什么。“没有。我以前从未这样做过。

I stared at him, trying to decide whether he was okay with it or not. He was down at the time. His cock had been so fucking hard I could see the veins popping out along the shaft.
我盯着他，试图决定他是否同意。当时他很沮丧。他的鸡巴太硬了，我可以看到血管沿着阴茎弹出。

Worried he was weirded out about sex with a dude, even though we hadn’t touched—much—and the shit the morning after had been interrupted, I said, “You okay with how shit played out?”
我担心他对和一个男人发生性关系感到奇怪，尽管我们没有接触——太多——而且第二天早上的狗屎被打断了，我说，“你对狗屎的结果还好吗？

“Yeah, man. I’m cool,” he said.
“是的，伙计。我很酷，“他说。

But Brock Jones and I had been pretty much joined at the hip since the first day of boot camp. His mouth said one thing, but his tone and body language said something different. I was just getting ready to say something when he stood from the chair he was sitting in and walked away, mumbling about getting some sleep.
但布洛克·琼斯和我从新兵训练营的第一天起就几乎是一体的。他的嘴说的是一件事，但他的语气和肢体语言却说了不同的东西。我正准备说些什么，他从他坐的椅子上站起来，走开了，嘟囔着要睡一会儿。

Over the next week, I pushed gently, trying to get him to open up about whatever was bothering him. He shut me down every time, saying he was fine with it, but I knew there was something he was keeping from me.
在接下来的一周里，我轻轻地推动，试图让他敞开心扉谈论困扰他的事情。他每次都让我闭嘴，说他没问题，但我知道他有一些事情对我隐瞒。

Finally, a couple of weeks later, we were again sitting out at the fire pit. We’d been outside the wire more than we’d been on base. We were all tired and just trying to chill. We grabbed showers and chow and then planted our asses here. We’d been here for hours. It was late, and most of the camp was sacked out. My pushing finally shoved him over the edge, and the issue came to a head.
终于，几周后，我们再次坐在火坑旁。我们在电线外的次数比在基地的时间还要多。我们都很累，只是想放松一下。我们洗了个澡，吃了东西，然后把屁股放在这里。我们在这里呆了几个小时。天色已晚，营地大部分人都被洗劫一空。我的推搡终于把他推到了边缘，问题达到了顶峰。

“Damn it! I’m fucking fine. I’ve said it over and over. Why are you harping on it?” he yelled, but kept his voice low, flat, and even.
“该死的！我他妈的没事。我已经说过一遍又一遍了。你为什么要喋喋不休？“他大喊，但声音保持低沉、平淡、均匀。

I didn’t believe a word of it. He’d been twitchy since it happened. The longer time wore on, the worse he got. He was quiet, and that scared me because you couldn’t ever shut the fucker up. Now it was like pulling fucking teeth to get a word out of the jackass.
我一个字都不相信。自从这件事发生以来，他一直抽搐着。时间越长，他的情况就越糟糕。他很安静，这让我很害怕，因为你永远无法让这个混蛋闭嘴。现在这就像他妈的拔牙一样，想从混蛋那里说出一句话。

I sighed. “Because you’re not telling me the truth. You’re not yourself, Rocket.”
我叹了口气。“因为你没有告诉我真相。你不是你自己，火箭。

He had a right to his privacy, but he’d never kept shit from me before. Sometimes he shared too much.
他有隐私权，但他以前从来没有对我隐瞒过。有时他分享太多。

“I don’t know who you think I am, but I’m the same guy you’ve known for four fucking years.”
“我不知道你以为我是谁，但我就是你认识四年的那个人。”

“Goddammit! Talk to me! If you don’t, I’ll wipe the ground with your motherfucking ass until you get square,” I growled under my breath to keep from cluing anyone around us into our conversation.
“该死的！跟我说说话！如果你不这样做，我会用你他妈的屁股擦地，直到你变得方正，“我低声咆哮，以免让我们周围的任何人进入我们的谈话。

“What do you want me to say, Woody? Huh? It’s a little fucking odd sharing a chick with your best fucking friend,” he sighed.
“你想让我说什么，伍迪？哼？和你他妈的最好的朋友分享一个小妞有点他妈的奇怪，“他叹了口气。

“I want to know that a drunken romp with a chick didn’t fuck shit up with my best fucking friend,” I whispered as I watched someone approach the opening the firepit was in.
“我想知道，醉酒后和一个小妞嬉戏并没有和我最好的他妈的朋友搞砸，”我看着有人走近火坑的开口，低声说道。

Brock sighed, scrubbing his face and head before looking at me seriously. “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I promise.”
布洛克叹了口气，擦了擦脸和头，然后认真地看着我。“你没有什么可担心的。我保证。

A few more weeks went by before Brock’s true feelings came out. We were outside the wire—again—sitting back to back. We were watching for a car to show up so we could take out the guy riding in it and hightail it back to base.
又过了几周，布洛克的真实感受才显露出来。我们又一次背靠背地坐在电线外。我们一直在观察一辆车的出现，这样我们就可以干掉乘坐它的人，然后把它高尾带回基地。

“I wouldn’t mind a hot shower, a hot meal, and a decent bed to sleep in,” I said. My ass had gone numb, and the numbness was trickling down the backs of my legs.
“我不介意洗个热水澡，吃一顿热饭，睡一张像样的床，”我说。我的屁股已经麻木了，麻木感顺着我的腿后部流下来。

“I wouldn’t mind another night in bed with you,” he whispered.
“我不介意和你再上床一晚，”他低声说。

I spun my head around, trying to get a good look at him. Was he thinking…did he mean…? He’d said with me. But did he mean just me? Or did he mean me and Carly?
我转过头来，想好好看看他。他在想......他的意思是......？他和我说过。但他的意思只是我吗？还是他指的是我和卡莉？

“What did you say?” I tried to play it off like I hadn’t heard him, but I had.
“你说什么？”我试图装扮得好像我没有听到他的声音，但我听到了。

The zing of interest that pulsed through my body shocked me. It shouldn’t have because that night with Carly, it was Brock’s name, not Carly’s, that had choked me as I came.
我全身涌动的兴趣让我震惊。不应该，因为和卡莉在一起的那个晚上，是布洛克的名字，而不是卡莉的名字，在我来的时候让我窒息了。

“I didn’t say anything.”
“我什么也没说。”

Liar!
说谎者！

Brock had an uncanny knack for altering my life with seemingly little effort. That comment would not leave me alone. I thought about it day and fucking night. It was with me inside the wire and out. Every time I saw Brock’s face or heard his voice, it played in my mind like a song stuck on repeat.
布洛克有一种不可思议的本领，可以毫不费力地改变我的生活。“这句话不会让我孤单。我日日夜夜都在想这件事。它和我一起在电线里和外面。每次我看到布洛克的脸或听到他的声音，它都会在我的脑海中播放，就像一首重复播放的歌曲。

What am I supposed to do with that?
我应该用它做什么？

Several weeks later, we were returning from a week-long trek outside the wire searching for intel on an HVT, and I was fucking exhausted. I closed my eyes and dropped off to sleep. I was plagued by dreams all night. The night with Carly replayed itself like a movie, only I wasn’t a participant. I was an observer who knew the inner workings of one participant’s mind. Mine.
几周后，我们结束了为期一周的长途跋涉，在电线外寻找有关 HVT 的情报，我他妈的筋疲力尽。我闭上眼睛，睡着了。我整晚都被梦困扰着。和卡莉在一起的夜晚像电影一样重播，只是我没有参与其中。我是一个观察者，知道一个参与者的内心运作。矿山。

I saw it all. Every sneaking glance I took at Brock. The way he stared at me. How he gripped my thigh and not Carly’s or her hair while she sucked him off. Every single vivid fucking detail was right there, and it scared me.
我看到了这一切。我偷偷看了布洛克一眼。他盯着我看的样子。当她吸吮他时，他是如何抓住我的大腿而不是卡莉或她的头发的。每一个生动的细节都在那里，这让我感到害怕。

But it also excited me.
但这也让我兴奋。

CHAPTER 6
第6章

BROCK
布 洛 克

SUMMER 2009
2009年夏季

We were stripping off our gear after yet another training exercise when Foster said, “Before you boys head home, you are to report to the address I texted you tomorrow at 0900 with a fifth of liquor and a case of beer.”
在又一次训练后，我们正在脱掉装备，这时福斯特说：“在你们回家之前，你们要到我明天 0900 给你们发短信的地址报到，并带上五分之一的酒和一箱啤酒。

Finlay groaned. He was a notorious skirt chaser, and he spent every minute not downrange trying to go downrange.
芬利呻吟着。他是一个臭名昭著的裙子追逐者，他每一分钟都没有试图向下射程。

Foster arched his brow as he stared Finlay down. “You got a problem with that, Ryan?”
福斯特皱起眉头，盯着芬利。“你对此有意见，瑞安？”

“No, boss. I’m good. I’ll be sure to bring the good shit,” Finlay replied as if he didn’t give a shit that we’d just lost a Saturday.
“不，老板。我很好。我一定会带来好东西，“芬利回答道，就好像他不屑于我们刚刚失去一个星期六一样。

My day would be spent getting as shitfaced as possible anyway, so whether I did it with my brothers or alone didn’t much matter to me.
无论如何，我的一天都会尽可能地变得狗屎，所以无论我和我的兄弟们一起做还是独自做对我来说都无关紧要。

We were still waiting on intel and the green light to come down from on high about Adam’s rescue mission. The brass was still dragging their damn feet while our teammate was being held hostage.
我们仍在等待关于亚当营救任务的情报和从高处降下的绿灯。当我们的队友被扣为人质时，高层仍然拖着他们该死的脚。

I didn’t know what Foster had planned. Didn’t really give a fuck either. I’d do as ordered, but if something didn’t happen soon, I’d be putting in for leave and reaching out to some of my private military contacts. Someone had to go get Adam, and if the United States Government wouldn’t fucking do it, I would find someone who would. Or do it my damn self.
我不知道福斯特有什么计划。也没真的他妈的。我会按照命令去做，但如果没有很快发生什么事情，我会请假并联系我的一些私人军事联系人。必须有人去抓亚当，如果美国政府他妈的不这样做，我会找一个会这样做的人。或者做我该死的自己。

I pulled up to the address Foster gave us the following day and found him sitting on the tailgate of his big-ass truck in the driveway at the massive beach house his parents owned. A couple of his wife, Julie’s German Shepherds with him—Greta and Otto—were running around the street, chasing one another, and fighting over a toy.
第二天，我把车停在福斯特给我们的地址，发现他坐在他父母拥有的那栋巨大海滨别墅的车道上，他的大卡车的后挡板上。他的几对妻子，朱莉的德国牧羊犬——格蕾塔和奥托——在街上跑来跑去，互相追逐，为了一个玩具而打架。

“Lieu,” I greeted him as I sat my donation to today’s drunk-fest in the bed of his truck.
“刘，”我坐在他卡车的车厢里，向他打招呼。

Foster nodded silently, then said, “Jones.”
福斯特默默地点了点头，然后说：“琼斯。

I nodded. We sat together, neither saying anything. Everything had been said already. Both of us were pissed as fuck to be sitting in Virginia with our hands tied while our teammate was fighting for his life as a prisoner of war.
我点点头。我们坐在一起，什么也没说。一切都已经说完了。我们俩都他妈的生气了，因为我们的队友正在为战俘的生命而战，而我们的双手被绑着坐在弗吉尼亚州。

The silence stretched out between us, only broken up by the dogs. We watched the dogs play for a bit, with Foster occasionally giving them a command in German. The dogs were fucking badass.
我们之间的沉默一直延伸开来，只有狗打破了。我们看着狗们玩耍了一会儿，福斯特偶尔会用德语命令它们。这些狗他妈的坏蛋。

Foster’s wife, Julie, fucking amazed me. As if she wasn’t busy enough with five freaking kids, she raised trained tactical guard dogs, military spec ops canines, bomb sniffers, and drug dogs. You name it, she could teach a dog to do it. Matilda, the dog we currently used on the team, was one of hers, and Greta had saved all our peaches a time or two.
福斯特的妻子朱莉，他妈的让我大吃一惊。好像她还不够忙于照顾五个该死的孩子，她养了训练有素的战术护卫犬、军事特种部队犬、炸弹嗅探员和缉毒犬。凡是你能想到的，她都可以教狗做。我们目前在团队中使用的狗玛蒂尔达是她的一只，格蕾塔已经救了我们所有的桃子一两次。

Otto, the bigger of the two dogs came back to the truck with the rope and jumped in the truck bed, nudging me. Foster handed me a ball. I tossed it for the dogs and watched them take off down the street. The big dog shocked the fuck out of me when he launched himself out of the truck bed.
奥托，两只狗中体型较大的一只拿着绳子回到卡车上，跳进卡车车厢，推了推我。福斯特递给我一个球。我把它扔给狗，看着它们在街上起飞。当这只大狗从卡车车厢里跳出来时，我他妈的震惊了。

Foster whistled. “Nice throw. I thought you were a defensive guy, not a quarterback.”
福斯特吹了口哨。“不错的投掷。我以为你是一个防守型的人，而不是四分卫。

I cocked my head at him, shocked he knew that. “Yeah. How…”
我对他歪着头，震惊地发现他知道这一点。“是的。怎么......”

He laughed. “My dad is a huge fucking college football fan. You enlisting pissed him off. He hoped you would be heading to Texas or, at the very least, the Naval Academy.”
他笑了。“我父亲是一个他妈的大学橄榄球迷。你入伍惹恼了他。他希望你能去德克萨斯州，或者至少去海军学院。

“I thought about it, but I knew what I wanted, and I didn’t want to put it off for four years,” I explained vaguely.
“我想过，但我知道我想要什么，我不想拖延四年，”我含糊地解释道。

The Naval Academy, then the SEALs, had been the dream, but being a foster kid with no familial support made the Naval Academy a difficult road to travel, so I’d chosen the shorter route. I still got to where I wanted to be.
海军学院，然后是海豹突击队，一直是我的梦想，但作为一个没有家庭支持的寄养孩子，海军学院是一条艰难的道路，所以我选择了较短的路线。我仍然到达了我想去的地方。

Some might’ve felt short-changed a bit, but I didn’t. If I’d gone to the Naval Academy, I wouldn’t have been in the right spot to meet Adam. And missing out on the greatest thing that’d ever happened to me was high on the suck list.
有些人可能觉得有点短暂，但我没有。如果我去海军学院，我就不会在合适的地方见到亚当。错过发生在我身上的最伟大的事情是最糟糕的清单上的重中之重。

Another twenty minutes later, the other guys started trickling into the parking area in front of the house.
又过了二十分钟，其他人开始悄悄地涌进房子前面的停车场。

But as a few of them headed toward the path around the house to the backyard, Foster called, “Hold up!”
但当他们中的一些人走向房子周围通往后院的小路时，福斯特喊道：“等一下！

We all looked at him.
我们都看着他。

“Adam never misses an Army/Navy game if he can help it, so I thought we’d hang out and watch the game in his honor.”
“如果亚当能帮忙的话，他从不错过陆军/海军的比赛，所以我想我们会出去玩并观看比赛以纪念他。”

The guys all looked as mudsucked as I felt. They nodded, and I hoped whatever it was I did passed as a nod as well. My head felt wobbly, and my knees were weak. I swallowed. Bile churned in my stomach. I’d been so focused on pushing the brass and Mercer toward a rescue mission that I’d forgotten what day it was.
这些家伙看起来都和我感觉一样泥泞。他们点了点头，我希望无论我做了什么，也能点头。我的头感觉摇摇晃晃，膝盖发软。我咽了咽口水。胆汁在我的胃里翻腾。我太专注于推动铜管和美世执行救援任务，以至于我忘记了今天是哪一天。

As we settled in for the game and started drinking, I was thrown back to another day. To another game. That day, it had just been Adam and me. We’d just finished our first deployment, and I’d moved into an apartment even though the Navy wouldn’t pay for off-base housing for single enlisted. Adam had thought I was nuts, but I had my reasons for needing privacy. Reasons I was forbidden to speak about.
当我们安顿下来参加比赛并开始喝酒时，我又回到了另一天。到另一场比赛。那天，只有亚当和我。我们刚刚完成第一次部署，我搬进了一套公寓，尽管海军不会为单身士兵支付基地外住房费用。亚当以为我疯了，但我有理由需要隐私。我被禁止谈论的原因。

FALL 2004
2004 年秋季

It was a rare day off from Green Team’s crazy as fuck training schedule. So, Adam and I grabbed some beer and steaks and settled in for a day of college football and day drinking. We were shooting the shit during the Army-Navy game when Adam turned to me, a question burning in his eyes. Somehow, I knew I wouldn’t like what came out of his mouth next.
这是绿队疯狂训练计划中难得的休息日。所以，亚当和我买了一些啤酒和牛排，安顿下来，享受了一天的大学橄榄球和一天的饮酒。在陆军与海军的比赛中，我们正在拍摄狗屎，这时亚当转向我，他的眼中燃烧着一个问题。不知何故，我知道我不会喜欢接下来从他嘴里说出来的话。

“I’ve always wondered…” he started.
“我一直在想......”他开始了。

“What?” I asked.
“什么？”我问。

My heart sped up, and my skin turned clammy. I’d never kept anything from him that he’d directly asked me about, but there were things I’d kept to myself. He was my best friend, but there were things I couldn’t tell him.
我的心跳加速，我的皮肤变得湿漉漉的。我从来没有对他隐瞒过他直接问过我的事情，但有些事情我一直保密。他是我最好的朋友，但有些事情我不能告诉他。

My sexual orientation was not something I ever discussed. I’d known I was on the gay side of bisexual since middle school. Girls, in general, just never did it for me. I’d slept with a few women over the years, but soft curves under me couldn’t hold a candle to rough hands and a chiseled body over me.
我的性取向不是我从来没有讨论过的事情。我从中学起就知道自己是双性恋的同性恋者。一般来说，女孩们从来不为我做过。这些年来，我和几个女人上过床，但我身下柔软的曲线无法容纳粗糙的手和轮廓分明的身体。

My desire to be a Navy SEAL was the thing that kept me from leaving women in the past forever. DADT kept me from being who I wanted to be, who I really was. It kept me from being honest with my friends and teammates. Hence, the women and the facade I’d put on.
我成为海豹突击队的愿望使我永远不会离开过去的女性。DADT 让我无法成为我想成为的人，真正的我。这让我无法对我的朋友和队友诚实。因此，我所穿的女人和外表。

Then there was Adam. He presented one hell of a problem. Not that he was aware he was a problem. He thought everything was hunky-fucking-dory, but it was far from it.
然后是亚当。他提出了一个地狱般的问题。并不是说他意识到自己是个问题。他以为一切都是笨蛋，但事实远非如此。

I’d been attracted to him from the jump, but I’d kept that to myself too. DADT was part of that as well, but if I’d had any inkling that Adam returned those feelings, I’d have risked it all. But he was decidedly straight—even if there had been some blurry lines when he and I picked up a woman to share for the night.
我从一开始就被他吸引，但我也把这件事藏在心里。DADT 也是其中的一部分，但如果我有任何迹象表明 Adam 回报了这些感觉，我会冒着一切风险。但他绝对是异性恋——即使当他和我搭讪一个女人分享过夜时，有一些模糊的界限。

The other thing I’d never really spoken to him about was my family or childhood. Adam knew I was a foster kid and that I didn’t have any family at all. Being severely abused made people leery of adopting me, so I’d bounced around for years until I’d turned eighteen.
我从未真正和他谈论过的另一件事是我的家庭或童年。亚当知道我是一个寄养孩子，我根本没有任何家庭。受到严重虐待让人们对收养我持怀疑态度，所以我多年来一直跳来跳去，直到我十八岁。

I feared he would ask about something I wasn’t ready or able to discuss. I hoped like hell I was reading this situation wrong, and he was going to ask something about the mission we had in the works.
我担心他会问一些我还没有准备好或无法讨论的事情。我希望我看错了这种情况，他会问一些关于我们正在进行的任务的事情。

I didn’t get off that lucky. Adam asked about one of the two things I never spoke about.
我没有那么幸运。亚当问了我从未谈论过的两件事之一。

“How’d you get that scar?”
“你怎么会留下那个疤痕的？”

I peered at him, wetting my lips. “What scar? I’ve got quite a few, and you know the stories behind most of them.”
我凝视着他，湿润了我的嘴唇。“什么疤痕？我有很多，你知道其中大部分背后的故事。

We were both riddled with scars. You didn’t go through BUD/S without getting hurt and sometimes even injured. Adam and I’d both gotten lucky and weren’t ever hurt enough to constitute being recycled into the next class and starting BUD/S over.
我们俩都伤痕累累。你在经历 BUD/S 时不会受伤，有时甚至受伤。亚当和我都很幸运，没有受到伤害到被回收到下一堂课并重新开始 BUD/S 的程度。

Undeterred as always, Adam said, “The one on your back, Rocket. That huge-ass one that you’ve always had.”
亚当一如既往地没有被吓倒，说道：“你背上的那个，火箭。你一直拥有的那个大屁股。

I huffed softly. “I got it on the farm when I was about ten.”
我轻声喘气。“我十岁左右的时候在农场得到了它。”

Adam studied me, his head cocked. “What the fuck happened? It looks gruesome.”
亚当端起头打量着我。“他妈的发生了什么？看起来很可怕。

I sucked my lips in between my teeth, biting down on them. Walking into the kitchen, I pulled the Jameson from the cabinet. I walked back to where Adam sat waiting, poured a couple of fingers into both glasses and offered him one.
我把嘴唇吸进牙齿之间，咬住它们。走进厨房，我从柜子里拿出了詹姆森。我走回亚当坐着等的地方，把几根手指倒进两个杯子里，递给他一个。

Adam wasn’t a whiskey man, but I’d gotten him used to drinking it on occasion. He sipped it, whereas I’d down the shit like it was fucking water and I was a man dying of thirst. I watched him grimace as he sipped his. I swallowed mine, then poured another and sat back down. I placed the glass and the bottle on the table before me. The smell of the whiskey burned my nose as I leaned over my legs with my elbows on my knees.
亚当不是一个威士忌爱好者，但我已经让他习惯了偶尔喝威士忌。他啜饮着它，而我却像他妈的水一样把狗屎喝下去，我是一个渴得死去的人。我看着他一边喝着他的酒，一边做鬼脸。我吞下了我的，然后又倒了一杯，坐了回去。我把玻璃杯和瓶子放在我面前的桌子上。威士忌的味道灼伤了我的鼻子，我靠在腿上，肘部放在膝盖上。

“Rocket…” he started.
“火箭......”他开始了。

I waved him off. “When I was a kid, I talked about this shit so much I should be used to it, but I’m not. It still turns my stomach and puts me back on the farm, half-frozen with more broken bones than not. I’m fucking lucky to be sitting here, honestly.”
我挥手打发他。“当我还是个孩子的时候，我经常谈论这种狗屎，我应该习惯它，但我不是。它仍然让我的胃转过来，让我回到农场，半冻半冻，骨折的骨头比没有的还要多。老实说，我他妈的很幸运能坐在这里。

Adam opened his mouth. I was sure he would ask a bunch of questions, but I cut him off and told him the whole sordid tale while I downed shot after shot of Irish whiskey. By the night’s end, I was so drunk I couldn’t remember my own name.
亚当张开了嘴。我确信他会问一堆问题，但我打断了他的话，一边喝了一杯又一杯的爱尔兰威士忌，告诉了他整个肮脏的故事。到了晚上，我喝得酩酊大醉，不记得自己的名字了。

I remembered Adam’s, though, and I remembered how much he turned me on when I let my guard down. As I drank that night, I had no filter and divulged way more than I should. Way more than I ever intended, and not all of it with words coming out the piehole in my fucking face.
不过，我想起了亚当的，我记得当我放松警惕时，他让我兴奋不已。那天晚上我喝酒时，我没有过滤器，泄露的比我应该泄露的要多得多。比我想象的要多得多，而且并不是所有的话都是从我他妈的脸上的馅饼洞里说出来的。

Adam helped me to bed, promising to stay with me. “I’ve got you, Rocket. Let’s get you to bed."
亚当扶我上床睡觉，答应陪我。“我抓到你了，火箭。让我们让你上床睡觉吧。

“Fuck, you’re gorgeous, Woody,” I said, cupping his cheek and pulling his lips to mine.
“操，你真漂亮，伍迪，”我说，捧着他的脸颊，把他的嘴唇拉到我的嘴唇上。

I took his mouth like I’d been dreaming of since we met all those years ago. Years of pent-up sexual frustration and fantasies all came out as I pulled him closer and closer, determined to enjoy every second of our first kiss without a girl sharing it with us. He wrenched his mouth from mine.
我含住他的嘴，就像我们多年前见面以来一直梦想的那样。当我把他拉得越来越近时，多年来压抑的性挫败感和幻想都出来了，决心享受我们初吻的每一秒，而没有女孩与我们分享。他把嘴从我的嘴上扯了下来。

Adam’s eyes burned into mine as he licked his lips. “Okay, Rocket, it’s time for you to go to bed and for me to sack out on the couch.”
亚当舔了舔嘴唇，眼睛灼热地盯着我的眼睛。“好吧，火箭，你该上床睡觉了，我该躺在沙发上。”

He pushed me back on the bed and pulled the blankets over me. As Adam turned to go back to the living room, I grabbed his hand, tugging it to get his attention.
他把我推回床上，把毯子盖在我身上。当亚当转身回到客厅时，我抓住他的手，拉着它来引起他的注意。

“You could always slide in next to me. I don’t bite. Not unless you ask nicely.”
“你总是可以滑到我旁边。我不咬人。除非你问得好，否则不会。

“You’re officially cut off from Irish whiskey if not all whiskey in general.” Adam laughed dryly and walked away, leaving me with a raging hard-on.
“即使不是所有威士忌，你也正式与爱尔兰威士忌断绝了联系。”亚当干巴巴地笑了笑，走开了，给我留下了愤怒的硬汉。

The following day, when I woke up, the feel of his lips against mine and the taste of his mouth were embossed on my mind. Heat suffused my face, making my cheeks catch fire.
第二天，当我醒来时，他的嘴唇贴在我的嘴唇上的感觉和他嘴的味道都印在我的脑海中。热气充斥着我的脸，让我的脸颊着火了。

Jesus fucking Christ! What the fuck did I do?
耶稣他妈的基督！我他妈做了什么？

I’d sucked my best friend’s face. My straight best friend’s face.
我吸吮了我最好朋友的脸。我最好的异性恋朋友的脸。

A knock at the door catapulted me out of bed toward the bathroom. I couldn’t fucking face that man today. Not after what I’d done. Not after everything I’d told him.
一阵敲门声把我从床上弹向浴室。我今天他妈的无法面对那个男人。不是在我做了什么之后。在我告诉他的一切之后。

“Brock?” he called.
“布洛克？”

He was right outside the bathroom door, so he must have heard the door close behind me and came on in.
他就在浴室门外，所以他一定听到我身后关门的声音，然后进来了。

“I’ll be out in a few. I feel like a troll shit in my mouth,” I said.
“我会在几场比赛中出去。我觉得我嘴里像个巨魔，“我说。

I heard him chuckle. I flipped on the sink and tub faucet, trying to drown him out. That deep, throaty sound went straight to my fucking cock. RDC Chambers would’ve been proud of Brock Jr., because he stood at attention better than any recruit he’d ever had.
我听到他咯咯地笑了起来。我打开水槽和浴缸的水龙头，试图淹没他。那低沉的喉咙声直传到我他妈的鸡巴上。RDC 钱伯斯会为小布洛克感到骄傲，因为他比他遇到过的任何新兵都更受关注。

“What the fuck am I going to do?” I whispered.
“我他妈的要做什么？”我低声说。

“Did you say something?” Adam called through the door.
“你说了什么吗？”亚当隔着门呼唤。

He sounded further away than before, so he must have been walking back to the living room when he heard me whisper.
他的声音比之前更远，所以当他听到我窃窃私语时，他一定是在走回客厅时。

I stared incredulously at the door. Did the man have superhuman hearing?
我难以置信地盯着门口。这个人有超人的听力吗？

I lied, “No. I didn’t say anything.”
我撒谎说：“没有。我什么也没说。

I waited, listening. He never moved. Time hung suspended for the longest time. I swore I heard him sigh as a slight rasping sound came through the door as it moved in his frame, as if Adam had pressed his palm against it. I splashed water in the sink, but pretended he wasn’t out there.
我等着，听着。他从未动过。时间悬而未决的时间最长。我发誓我听到他叹了口气，门在他的框架里移动时，门里传来轻微的刺耳声，就好像亚当用手掌压在门上一样。我在水槽里泼水，但假装他不在外面。

Several minutes passed, and then the sound of carpet-softened footsteps drifted back to me before the sound of a door closing softly. I blew out a breath. The blood in my veins felt fizzy, and my brain was just as bad. My fingers tingled. Chaos raged throughout my body, taking my breath.
几分钟过去了，然后地毯柔和的脚步声又飘回了我身边，然后是门轻轻关上的声音。我呼出一口气。我血管里的血液感觉起泡，我的大脑也同样糟糕。我的手指发麻。混乱在我的全身肆虐，让我喘不过气来。

Panting, trembling, tingling, I became lightheaded and weak. Overwhelmed, my vision swam like I’d been clocked in the head. I braced myself against the sink, holding myself up. My breaths came hard and fast and so fucking short and shallow.
气喘吁吁、颤抖、刺痛，我变得头晕目眩，虚弱无力。不知所措，我的视线就像被打钟一样游动。我靠在水槽上，把自己撑起来。我的呼吸又急又快，又短又浅。

I stayed on my feet through sheer fucking willpower. At least until the black specks in my vision turned to blobs and then a complete blackout. The last thing I saw was my face going white in the mirror until it slipped from view, and I was lights fucking out.
我靠着纯粹的意志力站了起来。至少在我视野中的黑点变成斑点，然后完全停电之前是这样。我最后看到的是我的脸在镜子里变白，直到它从视线中消失，我被灯光熄灭了。

I returned to the land of the living to the sight of Adam kneeling over me. I startled and jumped, pushing myself away from him. His face, which had been furrowed with worry, fell.
我回到活人之地，看到亚当跪在我身上。我吓了一跳，把自己从他身边推开。他因担忧而皱起的脸沉了下来。

“So that’s how you’re going to be? You’re going to act like I’m a fucking leper because I know your secret?” Adam said to me as he dropped to his ass against the bathroom door.
“所以你会这样吗？你要表现得像我他妈的麻风病人一样，因为我知道你的秘密？亚当一边对我说，一边趴在浴室门上。

Sweat broke out on my upper lip, and my stomach churned.
我的上唇冒出了汗水，我的胃在翻腾。

I swallowed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
我咽了咽口水。“我不知道你在说什么。”

Adam’s jaw clenched hard. The muscles popped and jumped as he gritted his teeth. “Bullshit. You fucking kissed me last night, and now you’re freaking the fuck out.”
亚当的下巴紧紧地咬着。当他咬紧牙关时，肌肉弹跳。“胡说八道。你他妈的昨晚吻了我，现在你他妈的吓坏了。

My gaze dropped to my hands, and that weird fucking feeling started all over again. I didn’t know what a panic attack felt like. I’d never had one, but if they felt like this, I wasn’t a fan of a repeat performance.
我的目光落在我的手上，那种奇怪的感觉又重新开始了。我不知道惊恐发作是什么感觉。我从来没有过，但如果他们有这样的感觉，我就不喜欢重复表演。

I remained stoic, refusing to look at or comment on his outburst.
我保持坚忍，拒绝看或评论他的爆发。

“Goddammit! Look at me!” Adam yelled.
“该死的！看看我！亚当大喊道。

I looked up at him, shocked. Adam didn’t let his emotions get to him. At least not like that, anyway. “What do you want me to say?” I asked. I was damned if I did. Damned if I didn’t. DADT put a fucking line in the sand. It tied my fucking hands. It dictated what I could and couldn’t say and what I could and couldn’t do. No matter what, as a gay man, I was fucked in this situation.
我抬头看着他，震惊不已。亚当没有让他的情绪影响到他。无论如何，至少不是那样的。“你想让我说什么？”我问。如果我这样做了，我就会被诅咒。如果我不这样做，那就该死了。DADT 在沙子里放了一条他妈的线。它绑住了我他妈的手。它决定了我能说什么，不能说什么，我能说什么，不能做什么。不管怎样，作为一个男同性恋者，我在这种情况下被操了。

“The truth, Rocket. Are you gay?”
“真相，火箭。你是同性恋吗？

I stared at him, wetting my lips. “You could get discharged for asking that question.”
我盯着他，湿润了嘴唇。“你可能会因为问这个问题而被解雇。”

He smirked. “Yep, but you could get discharged for kissing me, and hell, that threesome with Carly would raise eyebrows.”
他笑了笑。“是的，但你可能会因为亲吻我而被解雇，见鬼，和卡莉的三人行会引起人们的注意。”

I huffed a small laugh. “Guess we’re both in the same boat, then.”
我哼了一声。“那么，我想我们都在同一条船上。”

Now that I realized his game plan, I wasn’t freaking out so hard.
现在我意识到了他的比赛计划，我没有那么害怕了。

“We always have been—from day one,” Woody said.
“从第一天起，我们就一直如此，”伍迪说。

Being coined Woody was a given, considering DuBois literally meant “wood,” but Woody had gotten it for being solid and steadfast. The guy who always had your fucking back. Who was the calm in the storm, weathering the shit and coming out stronger on the other side. He was living up to that nickname today.
“伍迪”是理所当然的，因为杜波依斯的字面意思是“木头”，但伍迪是因为坚固而坚定而得到的。那个总是支持你的家伙。谁是暴风雨中的平静，经受住了狗屎的考验，在另一边变得更强大。他今天名副其实。

I nodded. “Yeah. We have been. I’m on the gay side of bi. I’ve done both, but guys are more my thing.”
我点点头。“是的。我们一直。我是双性恋的同性恋者。我都做过，但男生更适合我。

Woody nodded. “Okay. Now, will you please let me butterfly that fucking gash on your chin?”
伍迪点点头。“好的。现在，你能让我在你下巴上划掉那个他妈的伤口吗？

I laughed. He stood and helped me to my feet before patching me up.
我笑了。他站起来扶我站起来，然后给我修补。

A tap on my shoulder brought me back to reality. A can of beer was the first damn thing I saw. I followed the hand holding it up to Finlay’s face. Concerned marred his features.
轻拍我的肩膀，让我回到了现实。一罐啤酒是我看到的第一件该死的东西。我顺着那只手举到芬利的脸上。担心损害了他的五官。

“You good?” he asked.
“你好吗？”

I nodded, which was a total fucking lie. I was not good. Not in the fucking least. My swim buddy, my battle boo, the only best friend I’d ever fucking had, and the love of my fucking life was a prisoner of war.
我点点头，这完全是他妈的谎言。我不好。他妈的一点也不。我的游泳伙伴，我的战斗嘘声，我他妈的只有最好的朋友，我他妈的一生的挚爱是战俘。

Oh, and the government we’d handed our lives over to had zero inclination to rescue him.
哦，我们把生命交给的政府根本没有拯救他的意愿。

CHAPTER 7
第7章

ADAM
亚当

SUMMER 2009
2009年夏季

I fell through the air, no chute in sight. I twisted and tumbled as I plunged toward the ground belly first. Arms and legs were akimbo, flailing crazily.
我从空中掉下来，看不到滑道。我扭动着翻滚着，首先向地面腹部扑去。胳膊和腿弯曲，疯狂地挥舞着。

It was so weird. I wasn’t the least bit frantic or worried. I wasn’t scared at all. That had to be the strangest thing because I was always scared when jumping. Considering the number of times we jumped out of planes, you’d think I’d have gotten over it, but nah, dog, jumping out of a goddamned plane was scary as fuck.
这太奇怪了。我一点也不疯狂或担心。我一点也不害怕。这一定是最奇怪的事情，因为我在跳跃时总是很害怕。考虑到我们从飞机上跳下来的次数，你可能会认为我已经克服了它，但不，狗，从该死的飞机上跳下来真是太可怕了。

But not this time.
但这次不是。

The ground was coming closer and closer. I flipped in the air again, staring up into the inky abyss. Yet still, I remained calm.
地面越来越近了。我再次在空中翻转，抬头凝视着漆黑的深渊。然而，我仍然保持冷静。

The air rushing past my ears sped up. The sound got louder. The ground approached.
从我耳边掠过的空气加速了。声音越来越大。地面接近了。

I fell faster and faster and faster.
我摔得越来越快。

My eyes flew open just as I “hit” the ground.
当我“撞”到地面时，我的眼睛飞了起来。

“AHH!” I gasped, flying upright. My head smacked something.
“啊！”我喘着粗气，直立飞行。我的脑袋砰砰作响。

My breaths came hard and fast. My heart pounded. I pushed myself back to lean against the stone wall behind me, trying my damnedest to quit breathing like I’d just run ten miles in under an hour in the Afghan heat.
我的呼吸急促而急促。我的心砰砰直跳。我把自己往后推，靠在身后的石墙上，尽我最大的努力停止呼吸，就像我在阿富汗的炎热天气里不到一个小时跑了十英里一样。

Or like a kid who just watched their first scary movie.
或者就像一个刚刚看过第一部恐怖电影的孩子一样。

After a few minutes, I realized the dream wasn’t what had me wigging out. It was a couple of different things. It was the fact I didn’t remember being moved back inside the box from the torture chamber, but mostly, it was that sunny winter day nearly five years ago when life took an unexpected turn. It was the reminder of the time Brock had been the one falling through the air chuteless.
几分钟后，我意识到这个梦并不是让我发抖的原因。这是几件不同的事情。事实上，我不记得从酷刑室被移回盒子里，但最重要的是，那是将近五年前那个阳光明媚的冬日，生活发生了意想不到的转变。这提醒着布洛克曾经是那个从空中坠落的人。

That was one of the worst days and one of the best.
那是最糟糕的日子之一，也是最好的一天。

WINTER 2004
2004 年冬季

He nearly fucking died. It was fucking scary as hell. The training op included a HALO jump, and Brock’s primary didn’t open. It happened. What we did was dangerous, so training was too. So yeah, it fucking happened. To all of us.
他他妈的差点死了。这他妈的太可怕了。训练行动包括 HALO 跳跃，布洛克的主要跳跃没有打开。它发生了。我们所做的是危险的，所以训练也很危险。所以，是的，它他妈的发生了。对我们所有人。

Hell, this wasn’t even the first time Brock’s primary had failed, but this time, it was different for me as his teammate. As I watched him plummet to earth, I got sick. Physically sick. I lost my cookies, yakking right there in the middle of the team as we all stood watching our brother’s life flash before our eyes. Unlike the others, the possibilities of all the things that had plagued me since that night with Carly also flashed through my mind.
见鬼，这甚至不是布洛克的初选第一次失败，但这一次，对于我作为他的队友来说，情况有所不同。当我看着他坠落到地面时，我生病了。身体不适。我丢了饼干，在团队中间牦牛，我们都站着看着我们兄弟的生活在我们眼前闪现。与其他人不同的是，自从那天晚上和卡莉在一起以来困扰我的所有事情的可能性也在我的脑海中闪过。

As soon as Brock got his backup open and touched down—a.k.a. smacked the fucking ground hard enough to knock him fucking cold—the realization of all the shit I’d been feeling for the last six to eight months finally hit me. Along with all the crazy mixed-up feelings from when Brock had kissed me and called me gorgeous a few months ago.
当布洛克打开他的备用并降落时——又名他妈的狠狠地拍打地面，把他妈的打得冷了——我终于意识到了过去六到八个月里我所感受到的所有狗屎。还有几个月前布洛克亲吻我并称我为美女时所有疯狂的混合感觉。

When we returned to the apartment, I was still losing my shit. I bitched about the parachute packer. I bitched about the pilots and all sorts of other shit. All the while, Brock remained silent. He never made a fucking sound.
当我们回到公寓时，我还在失去我的狗屎。我对降落伞包装机嗤之以鼻。我对飞行员和各种其他狗屎嗤之以鼻。一直以来，布洛克都保持沉默。他从来没有发出过他妈的声音。

And it pissed me the fuck off.
这让我他妈的生气了。

“How are you just fucking sitting there? You nearly fucking died!” I yelled at him as I paced the living room.
“你他妈的怎么坐在那里？你他妈的差点死了！我在客厅里踱步时对他大喊大叫。

Brock was making himself a sandwich in the kitchen. He glanced at me, confused.
布洛克正在厨房里给自己做一个三明治。他困惑地看了我一眼。

“Yeah, I did. It isn’t the first time one of us has almost died, Adam. It won’t be the last.”
“是的，我做到了。亚当，这不是我们第一次差点死去。这不会是最后一次。

He walked past me, chomping away on that fucking sandwich like he hadn’t just almost left me alone in this world. That was the final fucking straw. I fucking lost it. I smacked the sandwich and beer out of his hands and shoved him against the wall, cracking the drywall and leaving a Brock-sized dent behind.
他从我身边走过，大口大口地吃着那个该死的三明治，就像他差点把我一个人留在这个世界上一样。那是最后一根稻草。我他妈的丢了。我把三明治和啤酒从他手中拍下来，把他推到墙上，石膏板裂开了，留下了一个布洛克大小的凹痕。

As soon as Brock’s back hit the wall, his face transformed in an instant. The nonchalance and the calm that were so foreign to him disintegrated as passion and lust took their place. Before I could process the change entirely, he grabbed me and pulled me against him. His mouth crashed into mine.
布洛克的背一撞到墙上，他的脸色瞬间就变了。对他来说如此陌生的漫不经心和平静随着激情和欲望的取而代之。在我完全处理变化之前，他抓住了我，把我拉到他身上。他的嘴撞到了我的嘴里。

Shock forced a gasp from me like I was a teenage girl. Brock pushed his tongue into my mouth. He licked and sucked the rest of the shocked gasps from me.
震惊迫使我喘着粗气，就像我是一个十几岁的女孩一样。布洛克把舌头伸进我的嘴里。他舔舐并吸吮我剩余的震惊喘息声。

His mouth on mine was like Brock himself: crazy, chaotic, no rhyme or reason. There was no pattern to follow. There was no plan in place. He was flying by the seat of his damn pants. He took what he wanted and needed, and I tried my damnedest to keep up. Finally, I gave up and let him lead.
他对着我的嘴就像布洛克本人一样：疯狂、混乱、没有韵律或理由。没有可遵循的模式。没有制定任何计划。他飞过他该死的裤子的座位。他拿走了他想要和需要的东西，而我则竭尽全力跟上。最后，我放弃了，让他带头。

The brushing of our lips, the burn of his longer beard against my shorter stubble, and how he held my face were all at odds. The savage taking, the bite of pain, and the tenderness warred within me. I was so fucking confused.
我们嘴唇的擦过，他较长的胡须在我较短的胡茬上燃烧，以及他如何捧着我的脸，都格格不入。野蛮的掠夺、痛苦的咬伤和温柔在我内心交战。我他妈的很困惑。

And hard. I’m gonna have the imprint of my jeans on my cock.
而且很难。我要在我的鸡巴上留下牛仔裤的印记。

I stepped closer toward Brock’s bigger body, and he flipped us so I was the one leaning against the wall. He slumped down, evening out our height difference. He broke the kiss and stared into my eyes. I wasn’t sure what he was seeing, but the man’s looks finally registered in my idiotic head.
我靠近布洛克更大的身体，他把我们翻转过来，让我成为靠在墙上的人。他瘫倒在地，平衡了我们的身高差。他打破了这个吻，盯着我的眼睛。我不确定他在看到什么，但那个男人的眼神终于出现在我愚蠢的脑海中。

Damn! He’s fucking hot.
该死的！他他妈的很性感。

He stepped closer, just enough so that our cocks brushed one another if we breathed deep. Which was all the damn time, since we were huffing as we tried to catch our breath after that kiss.
他走近了，刚好让我们的在深呼吸时互相擦过。这该死的时间一直都是，因为在那个吻之后，我们试图喘口气。

A kiss that changed so fucking much. All the puzzle pieces that made me Adam DuBois started realigning themselves. I could see them shifting, turning, and moving into new places. It was as if the pieces made two different versions of me, depending on how they were put together. One version was the one I’d always been, and the other was kept under lock and key until Brock Jones turned all that chaotic, passionate nature of his on me and me alone.
一个他妈的改变如此之大的吻。所有让我成为亚当·杜波依斯的拼图都开始重新排列。我可以看到他们移动、转身并进入新的地方。就好像这些作品塑造了两个不同的版本的我，这取决于它们是如何组合在一起的。一个版本是我一直以来的版本，另一个版本一直被锁起来，直到布洛克·琼斯将他所有混乱、热情的本性都转移到我身上，而且只有我一个人。

He rearranged all the pieces that made me who I was into something I hadn’t considered, but wouldn’t give up now that I had it.
他将所有让我成为我的东西重新排列成我从未考虑过的东西，但现在我拥有了它就不会放弃。

Brock’s hands were still cupping my face as he stared at me. I didn’t know what he was looking for, but he worried me.
布洛克的手仍然捧着我的脸，盯着我。我不知道他在找什么，但他让我担心。

Does he regret it?
他后悔吗？

The last time Brock had kissed me, he was drunk as fuck, and the following day, he’d wigged the fuck out. He’d passed out cold, laying open his chin as he went down. My hands had found a home at some point. I squeezed his waist, trying to get a reaction from him. He just gazed at me. Occasionally, he bit his lip like he did when trying to figure something out.
布洛克上次吻我时，他妈的喝醉了，第二天，他把他妈的假发都甩了出来。他冷得昏倒了，下去时张开了下巴。我的手在某个时候找到了归宿。我捏了捏他的腰，试图得到他的反应。他只是凝视着我。偶尔，他会咬着嘴唇，就像他试图弄清楚什么时所做的那样。

Biding my time, I dragged my tongue across my lips. Brock’s eyes followed the movement wholly. His tongue mimicked mine, and I realized why he had become so enraptured with the movement.
等待时间，我用舌头在嘴唇上拖着。布洛克的眼睛完全跟随着这个动作。他的舌头模仿了我的舌头，我明白了为什么他对这个动作如此着迷。

Watching him lick his lips turned the temperature up in my groin.
看着他舔嘴唇，我腹股沟的温度升高了。

My breathing sped back up, and I asked, staring at his mouth, “You okay?”
我的呼吸又加快了，我盯着他的嘴问道，“你还好吗？

He chuckled softly, a slow, sexy smirk spreading across his face. “I should probably be the one asking that question.”
他轻轻地笑了笑，脸上浮现出缓慢而性感的笑容。“我可能应该是问这个问题的人。”

Where’s this easy banter been with the women I’ve fucked? I’ve never laughed with a sex partner before.
和我操过的女人开这种轻松的玩笑是怎么回事？我以前从未和性伴侣一起笑过。

Fucked? Sex partner?
操了？性伴侣？

My dick yelled at me. He’d been without since Carly. He was a miserable, depressed fellow. He didn’t seem to give a shit that the person making him stand at attention was a freaking dude or that it was Brock.
我的鸡巴对我大喊大叫。自从卡莉之后，他就没有了。他是一个悲惨、沮丧的家伙。他似乎毫不在意让他站起来的人是一个该死的家伙，或者是布洛克。

I ignored that voice in my head, the one on my shoulders and the one in my pants, and I smiled at Brock.
我忽略了脑海中的那个声音，那个在我肩膀上的声音，那个在我裤子里的声音，我对布洛克微笑。

I could feel the heat in my face as I laughed softly. “I’m good.”
当我轻轻地笑时，我能感觉到脸上的热度。“我很好。”

And I was. As strange as I thought kissing Brock or him kissing me would be, I’d thought of it so fucking much since that night with Carly.
我是。尽管我认为亲吻布洛克或他亲吻我会很奇怪，但自从那天晚上和卡莉在一起以来，我就一直想得那么他妈的。

Brock licked his lips again, and my cock surged at the sight.
布洛克再次舔了舔嘴唇，我的鸡巴一看到就涌动起来。

Down, boy!
下来，孩子！

But my cock refused to listen. He wanted. Hell, I wanted. I hungered. So, I leaned forward, keeping my eyes on his until I became crossed-eyed.
但我的鸡巴拒绝听。他想要。见鬼，我想要。我饿了。于是，我身体前倾，一直盯着他，直到我变得斗鸡眼。

Just before our lips touched, Brock whispered, “Yes,” which spurred me.
就在我们的嘴唇接触之前，布洛克低声说：“是的”，这刺激了我。

I surged forward the last few millimeters. Our mouths crashed together. Tongues dueled. Teeth clashed.
我向前冲了最后几毫米。我们的嘴撞在一起。舌头决斗。牙齿碰撞在一起。

And I wouldn’t have had it any other way. He and I were strong, alpha men. We were naturally dominant and fought for that dominance now that I wasn’t two steps behind or caught by surprise.
我不会有任何其他方式。他和我都是坚强的阿尔法人。我们天生占据主导地位，并为这种统治地位而战，因为我没有落后两步或措手不及。

The difference between a soft, feminine body and Brock’s was bigger than the Grand Canyon or the fucking Great Wall of China, but it wasn’t bad or weird. It was so fucking erotic. I couldn’t get enough.
柔软、女性化的身体和布洛克的身体之间的区别比大峡谷或他妈的中国长城还要大，但这并不糟糕或奇怪。这太他妈的色情了。我爱不释手。

My hands roamed. One came up between our chests, and I rubbed his nipple through his shirt. He groaned as the cotton rasped against the hard nub. A hum of pleasure vibrated in my chest at the sound he made. That sound went straight to my dick. As if it could get any fucking harder.
我的手在游荡。一个出现在我们的胸膛之间，我隔着他的衬衫摩擦他的。当棉花摩擦着坚硬的小块时，他呻吟着。他发出的声音让我的胸口发出一阵愉悦的嗡嗡声。那声音直接传到了我的鸡巴上。好像它他妈的可以变得更难。

My other hand slid around his waist and down to his ass. I gripped the hard flesh hidden under the denim and squeezed, pulling him toward me.
我的另一只手绕着他的腰滑到他的屁股上。我抓住隐藏在牛仔布下的坚硬肉体，挤压，把他拉向我。

He wrenched his mouth from mine.
他把嘴从我的嘴上扯了下来。

“Jesus Christ…” he called as his head fell against the wall.
“耶稣基督......”他一边喊着，一边把头靠在墙上。

I chuckled as he ground his cock into mine, where I had us pressed together, holding him there. “No. Just Woody.”
当他将他的阴茎磨进我的阴茎时，我咯咯地笑了起来，我把我们压在一起，把他抱在那里。“没有。只是伍迪。

He laughed as he leaned toward me, still cupping my face. “You’re definitely living up to that nickname.”
他笑着向我靠来，仍然捧着我的脸。“你绝对名副其实。”

I laughed.
我笑了。

His eyes shined with amusement. His mouth closed over mine. I pulled him away from the wall so we were pressed together. The change in height reminded me of the night with Carly when Brock had pulled me back against his chest. The difference in our size made my blood boil. Brock had always made me feel safe, but now that feeling was melded with a new, hotter feeling.
他的眼睛里闪烁着好笑的光芒。他的嘴闭上了我的嘴。我把他从墙上拉开，这样我们就压在一起了。身高的变化让我想起了和卡莉在一起的那个晚上，布洛克把我拉回他的胸前。我们体型的差异让我热血沸腾。布洛克一直让我感到安全，但现在这种感觉与一种新的、更热的感觉融为一体。

I pushed him, maneuvering him toward my room. I needed to feel him against me. I didn’t think I was ready for much more than what we were doing, mainly because I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing, and I didn’t know what Brock liked in bed with a man, but I wanted more than a liplock in the kitchen.
我推了推他，把他推向我的房间。我需要感觉到他反对我。我认为我还没有准备好做更多的事情，主要是因为我不知道我他妈在做什么，我也不知道布洛克喜欢和男人在床上做什么，但我想要的不仅仅是厨房里的唇发。

“Where you taking me, Woody?” he asked against my lips.
“伍迪，你带我去哪里？”他贴着我的嘴唇问道。

I tilted my head back and looked up at him. “I wanna feel you next to me.”
我把头向后仰，抬头看着他。“我想在我身边感受你。”

Brock stopped. His hands slid from my face down to my chest and arms, pulling my hands into his. “Are you sure?”
布洛克停了下来。他的手从我的脸下滑到我的胸膛和手臂，将我的手拉进他的手里。“你确定吗？”

I pulled his hand to my crotch, pressing it there. The feel of his hand against my dick, even through the fabric of my pants, made me dizzy. What blood was left in the rest of my body rushed to where his palm cupped my cock.
我把他的手拉到我的胯部，按在那里。他的手贴在我的鸡巴上的感觉，甚至隔着我的裤子布料，都让我头晕目眩。我身体其他部位残留的血冲向了他的手掌捧住我的阴茎的地方。

“I’m pretty damn sure.”
“我非常确定。”

Brock’s eyes slid closed. He kissed my lips, licking softly at my mouth before saying, “I know you’re horny. I am too, but like you said in Fallujah, I want to make sure that a romp doesn’t fuck shit up with my best fucking friend.”
布洛克闭上了眼睛。他亲吻我的嘴唇，轻轻舔了舔我的嘴，然后说：“我知道你很饥渴。我也是，但就像你在费卢杰说的那样，我想确保嬉戏不会和我最好的他妈的朋友发生关系。

I remembered the conversation like it was yesterday. “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I promise.”
我记得那段对话就像昨天一样。“你没有什么可担心的。我保证。

That hearty, raspy laugh that always made me smile washed over me.
那种总是让我微笑的爽朗、刺耳的笑声冲刷了我。

Brock dropped a kiss against my mouth, then continued kissing along my jaw to that soft spot behind my ear before whispering, “Then take me to bed. I’m yours to do with as you want.”
布洛克在我的嘴上吻了一下，然后继续沿着我的下巴亲吻到我耳后的软点，然后低声说：“那就带我上床睡觉吧。我是你的，随心所欲。

“You sure about that?” I asked.
“你确定吗？”我问。

He was leaving the door wide fucking open with a statement like that.
他把门他妈的敞开着，说出这样的声明。

His hands wrapped around my body as he murmured, “As much or as little as you want.”
他的双手搂着我的身体，低声说：“随心所欲。

Jealousy slammed into me like an RPG hitting the side of a building. I growled in the back of my throat. The thought of him with someone else, experiencing those things without me, created a sinkhole in my soul.
嫉妒就像角色扮演游戏撞击建筑物的侧面一样猛烈地袭击着我。我在喉咙深处咆哮着。一想到他和其他人在一起，在没有我的情况下经历这些事情，就在我的灵魂中造成了一个天坑。

What the fuck? I’ve never been jealous before.
搞什么？我以前从来没有嫉妒过。

Brock smirked. His lips twitched as he tried to hold back a smile.
布洛克傻笑着。他的嘴唇抽搐着，试图忍住微笑。

“Are you jealous?” he asked incredulously, that fucking smirk still jerking like a crackhead jonesing for a fix.
“你嫉妒吗？”他难以置信地问道，那他妈的傻笑仍然像一个疯子一样在急促地寻求解决问题。

“Shut up and get in the fucking bed,” I growled at him, annoyed at him and the evil green monster that made my skin feel too fucking small.
“闭嘴，上他妈的床，”我对他咆哮，对他和那个让我的皮肤感觉太小的邪恶绿色怪物感到恼火。

“Damn, that voice,” Brock moaned as he attacked my mouth, pulling me into my room.
“该死的，那个声音，”布洛克一边呻吟着，一边攻击我的嘴，把我拉进了我的房间。

His mouth left mine as he started stripping. He reached behind his head, yanking his shirt off. I had seen him unclothed so many times. This time, my mouth went bone dry. I’d run my hands over his chest and whole body as I’d treated his injuries, but to have Brock in front of me, stripping for just me and not for any reason other than wanting to be naked with me, blew my mind. I stood there as he popped the buttons on his pants. As the zipper lowered and I realized he had gone commando, I pounced.
当他开始脱衣时，他的嘴离开了我的嘴。他把手伸到脑后，把衬衫拉了下来。我见过他脱衣服很多次了。这一次，我的嘴干了。当我治疗他的伤势时，我会用手抚摸他的胸部和全身，但布洛克在我面前，只为我脱光衣服，除了想和我赤身裸体之外没有任何原因，这让我大吃一惊。我站在那里，看着他拉开裤子上的纽扣。当拉链放下，我意识到他已经去突击队时，我扑了上去。

I’d never been this fucking turned on in my damned life. I tackled him to the bed, fusing our mouths together. My hands slid down his body, pushing his pants off.
在我该死的一生中，我从来没有这么他妈的兴奋过。我把他拽到床上，把我们的嘴融合在一起。我的手顺着他的身体滑落，推开他的裤子。

He shoved my shirt up under my armpits but growled against my mouth. “Dammit, strip. I need to touch you, too.”
他把我的衬衫塞到我的腋下，但对着我的嘴咆哮。“该死的，脱衣舞。我也需要摸摸你。

I pulled my shirt off and then stood up to drop my jeans. I hesitated as I reached for my boxer briefs.
我脱掉衬衫，然后站起来脱下牛仔裤。我犹豫了一下，伸手去拿平角内裤。

Brock sat up, his hands gripping my hips. “As much or as little as you want.”
布洛克坐了起来，双手抓着我的臀部。“随心所欲。”

“I want everything,” I told him.
“我什么都想要，”我告诉他。

It was true, but I had no fucking clue what I was doing when it came to gay sex. I didn’t know the rules.
这是真的，但我他妈的不知道我在做什么。我不知道规则。

“Are you ready for everything? Or are you just curious?” Brock asked.
“你准备好了吗？还是你只是好奇？布洛克问道。

I carded my fingers through his thick, dark hair. “I’m definitely curious.”
我用手指梳理着他浓密的黑发。“我绝对很好奇。”

After another minute or so, I decided to shuck my underwear. I slid them off, kicking them aside.
又过了一分钟左右，我决定脱掉内衣。我把它们滑下来，把它们踢到一边。

“Jesus, Woody. Your body has always made my mouth water…” Brock said, running his hand down my chest to my cock. He looked at me, his eyes pleading. “Can I?”
“天哪，伍迪。你的身体一直让我垂涎欲滴......”布洛克说，把手顺着我的胸膛抚到我的阴茎上。他看着我，眼神恳求。“我可以吗？”

I didn’t know what he fucking wanted, but if it had anything to do with him touching my dick, I was on board.
我不知道他他妈的想要什么，但如果这与他触摸我的鸡巴有关，我就会同意。

I nodded. “Yes, please.”
我点点头。“是的，请。”

Brock gazed up at me as he slowly leaned in and licked my cock from root to tip.
布洛克抬头凝视着我，慢慢地俯身从根部舔舐我的阴茎。

“JESUS FUUUUCK!” I shoved my fingers in his hair, gripping it harshly.
“耶稣呜！”我用手指伸进他的头发里，狠狠地抓着它。

Brock, the smug bastard, chuckled. “Just wait, baby. It only gets better.”
布洛克，这个自鸣得意的混蛋，笑了起来。“等着吧，宝贝。它只会变得更好。

He wasn’t fucking wrong, either. He took my cock in his mouth. His fucking mouth was like heaven on earth and Utopia had a baby. Jesus Christ, the man’s mouth did things I didn’t fucking know were possible.
他他妈的也没有错。他把我的鸡巴含在嘴里。他他妈的嘴就像人间天堂，乌托邦生了一个孩子。耶稣基督，这个男人的嘴做了一些我他妈不知道的事情。

Brock’s head bobbed as he sucked me. His tongue swirled and lapped at my shaft. The man was a cock-sucking maestro.
布洛克在吸吮我时摇了摇头。他的舌头在我的上旋转并舔舐。这个男人是一位吸吮鸡巴的大师。

“Fucking hell, Rocket. You’re gonna make me come,” I moaned as he dipped his tongue in my slit.
“该死的，火箭。你会让我高潮的，“当他将舌头浸入我的缝隙时，我呻吟着。

I was gushing precum like a geyser, but he didn’t seem to give a fuck. He just hummed and sucked harder.
我像间歇泉一样喷出精液，但他似乎没有他妈的。他只是哼哼着，更用力地吸吮。

Rocket pulled off my cock, a ribbon of spit connecting the head of my junk to those full, glistening pink lips of his. He surged back forward and sucked me down again, his eyes locked onto mine.
火箭拔下了我的鸡巴，一条唾液丝带将我的垃圾头和他那饱满、闪闪发光的粉红色嘴唇连接起来。他向前冲了回去，再次将我吸了下来，他的眼睛锁定在我的身上。

“Hmm, so fucking good,” he said when he pulled away a second time. He lazily stroked my dick. “I want you to come. I wanna taste it. I want you to fucking shoot your load down my throat, but I’m up for suggestions for this op.”
“嗯，太他妈的好了，”当他第二次抽身离开时，他说。他懒洋洋地抚摸着我的鸡巴。“我要你来。我想尝尝它。我他妈的要你把你的精液射进我的喉咙里，但我愿意为这个行动提供建议。

I traced his swollen lips.
我抚摸着他肿胀的嘴唇。

“I thought you might want something more,” I hedged.
“我以为你可能还想要更多的东西，”我对冲道。

I’d had anal sex, but was it different for a gay guy than a girl.
我有过，但男同性恋者和女孩有什么不同吗？

Brock stood up, his cock brushing against mine, causing me to shudder. I just barely kept from coming. I wrapped my arms around his waist as he cupped my face.
布洛克站了起来，他的阴茎擦过我的阴茎，让我不寒而栗。我只是勉强不来。当他捧起我的脸时，我用双臂搂住他的腰。

“This isn’t about what I want. It’s about what you’re ready for. I never asked…” he started.
“这不是我想要的。这是关于你准备好了什么。我从来没问过......”他开始了。

I gazed at his mouth, longing for him to kiss me again. “Asked what?”
我凝视着他的嘴，渴望他能再次亲吻我。“问什么？”

“I just assumed—and before you say it, yes, I know what that makes me—but I think I assumed wrong,” Brock said.
“我只是假设——在你说之前，是的，我知道这让我是什么——但我认为我假设错了，”布洛克说。

I looked up at him. Staring at his mouth had me overheated, but meeting his gaze, the heat was different, less lusty, and more shy even though his dick was pressed against mine and the orgasm that was still bubbling at the base of my spine threatened to go off at any moment. I was so fucking removed from being a virgin, but that was how Brock made me feel.
我抬头看着他。盯着他的嘴让我过热了，但与他的目光对视，热度不同了，不那么淫荡，更害羞了，尽管他的鸡巴压在我的鸡巴上，而且仍然在我脊椎底部冒泡的高潮随时可能消失。我他妈的离处女太远了，但这就是布洛克给我的感觉。

“What did you assume?” I asked.
“你假设了什么？”我问。

I thought I knew, but he’d surprised me so fucking much in the last few months that I couldn’t be sure.
我以为我知道，但在过去的几个月里，他让我大吃一惊，以至于我无法确定。

“That you’re straight.”
“你是异性恋。”

I sighed. “I was, or I thought I was, until that night with Carly. But when I came, it was your name that got stuck in my throat. Not hers.”
我叹了口气。“我曾经，或者我认为我是，直到那天晚上和卡莉在一起。但当我来的时候，你的名字卡在了我的喉咙里。不是她的。

The confession was so low I didn’t know if he’d heard me.
忏悔太低了，我不知道他是否听到了我的声音。

“Same. Seeing you come pushed me over the edge,” Brock said. His hands brushed the hair off my forehead. “Hopefully she wasn’t disappointed with us both more into each other than her.”
“一样。看到你来把我推到了边缘，“布洛克说。他的手拂了拂我额头上的头发。“希望她不会对我们俩感到失望，比她更喜欢对方。”

I didn’t want to talk about Carly, because I didn’t want to explain to Brock what happened earlier in the week, so I said, “Wanna get in bed and discuss this op a bit more?”
我不想谈论卡莉，因为我不想向布洛克解释本周早些时候发生的事情，所以我说，“想上床再讨论一下这个手术吗？

Brock laughed as he knee-walked backward, pulling me along with him. “Sounds like a game plan. What else do you need to know?”
布洛克笑着向后跪着走，拉着我一起走。“听起来像是一个游戏计划。你还需要知道什么？

I sucked in a breath as he pulled me back into his arms, and our cocks slotted in next to one another like they were meant to be there.
当他把我拉回他的怀里时，我吸了一口气，我们的鸡巴并排插入，就像它们注定要在那里一样。

“The rules,” I gasped as Brock rained kisses along my collarbone.
“规则，”当布洛克沿着我的锁骨如雨点般亲吻时，我喘着粗气。

“What rules?” he asked as his mouth moved up my neck to that fucking spot below my ear that felt like it was a fucking trigger for my cock.
“什么规则？”他问道，同时他的嘴沿着我的脖子移动到我耳朵下方的那个他妈的地方，感觉就像它是我鸡巴的他妈的触发器。

“Gahh! Umm, fuck!”
“啊！嗯，他妈的！

He’d wrapped his hand around my cock. Did he really think I would be able to fucking answer him?
他用手搂住我的鸡巴。他真的认为我他妈的能够回答他吗？

Brock continued stroking me, but not with enough firmness to do more than tease me. He murmured against my neck, “Hmm, rules? The only rule I can think of is the one that says I want this big, gorgeous cock of yours in my ass as soon as you’re up for it.”
布洛克继续抚摸着我，但除了挑逗我之外，还不够坚定。他在我的脖子上喃喃自语，“嗯，规则？我能想到的唯一规则就是说，一旦你愿意，我就想要你这根又大又漂亮的鸡巴插进我的屁股里。

I pushed him away from my neck so I could look at him.
我把他从我的脖子上推开，这样我就可以看着他了。

“You…um, you like that? You’re a big guy. I figured you’d like it the other way,” I said bashfully.
“你......嗯，你喜欢吗？你是个大个子。我想你会喜欢另一种方式，“我害羞地说。

Brock chuckled. “Don’t mistake size for role. Same as you wouldn’t mistake size for strength or ability. Liking a dick in my ass shouldn’t be off-limits because I’m a mini-giant.” He tugged at my dick. “Plus, this is a work of fucking art. Long and thick with a big head that’s sure to choke the shit out of me when you shove it down my throat or peg my prostate without fail.”
布洛克笑了笑。“不要将尺寸误认为是角色。就像你不会把尺寸误认为力量或能力一样。喜欢我屁股里的鸡巴不应该是禁区，因为我是一个迷你巨人。他拉扯着我的鸡巴。“另外，这是一件他妈的艺术品。又长又粗，脑袋很大，当你把它塞进我的喉咙或钉住我的前列腺时，肯定会把我的狗屎呛出来。

I gasped at the dirty talk. Lust flashed through me. I wanted all that and more.
我听到这句脏话倒吸一口凉气。欲望在我身上闪过。我想要这一切，甚至更多。

Jesus, who knew that shit could be such a fucking turn-on?
天哪，谁知道狗屎会如此他妈的兴奋？

“Yes,” I gasped. “All that.”
“是的，”我喘着粗气。“所有这些。”

My breaths were short and harsh, made worse when Brock wrapped an arm around my waist and dropped me to the bed on my back. He followed me down, swallowing my gasp as he kissed me deeply. His tongue delved into the recesses of my mouth, brushing and caressing every inch.
我的呼吸急促而刺耳，当布洛克用一只手臂搂住我的腰，把我仰面摔倒在床上时，情况变得更糟。他跟着我下来，吞下我的喘息声，深深地吻了我。他的舌头深入我的嘴里，抚摸着每一寸。

I buried my hands in his hair, jerking his mouth from mine.
我把手埋在他的头发里，把他的嘴从我的嘴上抽开。

“Quit stalling,” I growled. “I feel like I’ve been hard for hours.”
“别拖延了，”我咆哮道。“我觉得我已经硬了几个小时了。”

“Do you know how long I’ve wanted this? How much I’ve fantasized about being in your arms?” Brock asked, his voice husky and his eyes shiny.
“你知道我想要这个多久了吗？我有多幻想在你怀里？布洛克问道，他的声音沙哑，眼睛闪闪发光。

I touched his nose with mine as I gazed into those gorgeous blue eyes. “How… Why did it take me so long to see what was standing right beside me all this time?”
我用我的鼻子摸了摸他的鼻子，凝视着那双美丽的蓝眼睛。“怎么......为什么我花了这么长时间才看到站在我身边的东西？

Brock kissed me, grinding his dick into my groin, forcing my cock into his.
布洛克吻了我，用他的鸡巴磨进我的腹股沟，把我的鸡巴塞进他的阴茎里。

I gasped as he whispered, “I’m just glad you’re seeing it now.”
当他低声说时，我倒吸一口凉气，“我很高兴你现在看到了它。

Another deep kiss, some more grinding, and I was getting close.
又是一个深吻，又磨擦了一下，我越来越近了。

Brock asked against my lips, “Do you have lube?”
布洛克贴着我的嘴唇问道：“你有润滑油吗？

I reached for the nightstand drawer and handed him the tube. “Do we need a condom?”
我伸手去拿床头柜抽屉，把管子递给他。“我们需要避孕套吗？”

As much as I didn’t want to think about him being with other people, I knew he had. But I was also aware of the fact that we were tested for everything known to man and some things probably only known to the military, so I knew we were clean.
尽管我不想想到他和其他人在一起，但我知道他有。但我也意识到，我们接受了人类已知的一切测试，有些事情可能只有军方知道，所以我知道我们是干净的。

“Up to you. The only person I’ve been with in the last couple of months is you and Carly,” Brock said as he opened the tube, squirting some on his fingers.
“由你决定。在过去的几个月里，我唯一和我在一起的人就是你和卡莉，“布洛克一边说，一边打开管子，在手指上喷了一些。

I was fucking flabbergasted. He’d said he’d done this before, but when was the last time? Why the long dry spell?
我他妈的都惊呆了。他说过他以前做过这件事，但最后一次是什么时候？为什么会有长时间的干旱？

The questions just kept spinning through my head as I watched Brock reach behind himself, and the look on his face as he prepped himself had me taking my cock in hand. Jesus fucking Christ, the man was sexy as hell.
当我看着布洛克把手伸到自己身后时，这些问题一直在我的脑海中盘旋，当他准备自己时，他脸上的表情让我把我的鸡巴握在手里。耶稣他妈的基督，这个男人性感得要命。

How am I just now seeing this? We’ve been friends for years.
我现在怎么看到这个？我们是多年的朋友。

The sound of Brock’s fingers moving in his ass and the sounds he made had me trembling with need as I toyed with myself, trying to keep from coming by watching and listening to him.
布洛克手指在他屁股里移动的声音和他发出的声音让我在玩弄自己时因需要而颤抖，试图通过观察和聆听他来阻止高潮。

I reached up, grabbed him by the neck, and pulled him toward me. “You need to hurry that shit along, or I’m going to come on your cock and not in your ass.”
我伸手抓住他的脖子，把他拉向我。“你需要快点，否则我会攻击你的鸡巴而不是你的屁股。”

Brock huffed a laugh. He kissed me savagely as he positioned himself over my cock and lowered himself slowly. I held myself steady, but fuck, it was so goddamn hard not to thrust up into him. I gripped his hips and forced myself to stay still, groaning with the effort.
布洛克笑了起来。他野蛮地吻了我，将自己放在我的阴茎上，慢慢地放低了身子。我稳住自己，但是他妈的，不插进他体内真是太难了。我抓住他的臀部，强迫自己保持静止，用力呻吟。

“Holy fuck, you feel good. So fucking tight,” I gritted out through my teeth.
“天哪，你感觉很好。太紧了，“我咬牙切齿。

I watched a tear roll down his face as he leaned forward over me, whispering into the crook of my neck, “Fuck, you’re big, baby. So damn big.”
我看着他的脸上流下了泪水，他身体前倾，对着我的颈弯低语，“操，你很大，宝贝。太该死了。

As hard as it was, I waited for him to let me know he was ready for more.
尽管这很艰难，但我等着他让我知道他已经准备好接受更多了。

“You okay?” I asked.
“你还好吗？”我问。

He nodded and moved.
他点点头，动了动。

“Sweet fuck, Brock!”
“亲爱的，布洛克！”

Just that tiny little bit of movement sent lightning bolts through me. This wouldn’t last long if the Fourth of July detonated inside me every time he moved.
就在那一点点的动作让我身上闪电般涌入。如果每次他移动时，七月四日都会在我体内引爆，这种情况不会持续太久。

“Move,” he whispered.
“移动，”他低声说。

“Thank fuck,” I growled, thrusting into him, and he mewled into my neck.
“谢谢他妈的，”我咆哮着，插入他体内，他对着我的脖子喵喵叫着。

Groaning, I continued moving in and out of him as he rode my cock, meeting every thrust. Writhing against each other was fucking amazing. Who the fuck knew gay sex felt so damn good? I might have tried it sooner if I’d known it was like this.
呻吟着，我继续在他身上进进出出，他骑着我的鸡巴，迎接每一次抽插。互相扭动真是太神奇了。谁他妈知道同性恋性行为感觉如此美妙？如果我知道它是这样的，我可能会早点尝试。

Brock’s litany of “harder” and “more” got louder and louder until I flipped him on his back, never missing a beat. I thrust into him several times, fighting against his writhing and our sweat-soaked skin to find just the right position and grip. Suddenly, his body bowed, his head burrowing back into the pillows as his mouth fell open in a silent scream that quickly turned into a garbled growl.
布洛克一连串的“更难”和“更多”的声音越来越大，直到我把他翻过来，从未错过任何一个节拍。我多次插入他体内，与他的扭动和我们被汗水浸湿的皮肤作斗争，以找到合适的位置和抓握力。突然，他的身体低下，头又钻进了枕头里，嘴巴张开，发出无声的尖叫，很快就变成了乱码的咆哮。

“FUCK!” I cried out as his body clamped down on mine, stilling my movements and milking the orgasm that had been building at the base of my spine out of me without warning.
“操！”当他的身体压住我的身体时，我大叫起来，让我的动作平静下来，毫无征兆地将我脊椎根部的高潮从我身上挤出来。

I dropped onto him, relieved when I felt his cock still jumping from his orgasm. It would have been really fucking bad if I’d failed to get the man off. I’d never been a selfish lover in the past, but Brock was bringing out all sorts of shit I didn’t realize I’d had locked up inside me.
我扑到他身上，当我感觉到他的鸡巴仍然从高潮中跳跃时，我松了一口气。如果我没能把那个人弄掉，那就太糟糕了。我过去从来都不是一个自私的情人，但布洛克却把各种我没有意识到自己锁在内心的狗屎都拿出来了。

Like feelings for your best friend?
喜欢对你最好的朋友的感情吗？

Ignoring the smartass that lived in my head, I rolled off Brock as my cock softened. We lay there in bed, side-by-side, as our breaths continued to come fast and harsh.
我无视我脑海中的聪明，随着我的鸡巴变软，我从布洛克身上滚了下来。我们并排躺在床上，呼吸继续急促而刺耳。

To say my mind was reeling was putting it mildly. It sped around so rapidly that I felt like one of those characters in the old cartoons I’d watched with my grandparents as a kid. If I were them or they were me, butterflies would be swirling around their head, and they’d be wobbling, barely able to stay upright.
说我的思绪摇摇欲坠是委婉的。它飞得如此之快，以至于我感觉自己就像小时候和祖父母一起看过的老卡通片中的那些角色之一。如果我是他们或他们是我，蝴蝶就会在他们的头上盘旋，他们会摇摇晃晃，几乎无法保持直立。

I just fucked my best friend.
我刚刚操了我最好的朋友。

The words screamed in my head, flashing like headlights on a pitch-black night before my eyes. I knew it had happened. I could still feel his ass around my cock. My very sore cock.
这句话在我的脑海中尖叫，就像一个漆黑的夜晚的车灯在我眼前闪烁。我知道它已经发生了。我仍然能感觉到他的屁股围绕着我的鸡巴。我非常酸痛的鸡巴。

Am I…gay?
我是......男同？

I nearly laughed out loud. If you fuck guys, you’re gay. Or at least bi. Right? That was the definition. If you only fuck dudes, you’re gay. If you fuck both, you’re bi.
我差点笑出声来。如果你和男人做爱，你就是同性恋。或者至少是双性恋。右？这就是定义。如果你只操男人，你就是同性恋。如果你两个都操，你就是双性恋。

Guess I’m bi, then, because I’ve fucked a lot of women over the years.
那么，我想我是双性恋，因为这些年来我操过很多女人。

Hell, I’d fucked Carly in the stock room at the bar the other night. I didn’t even remember how it happened or who had initiated things. What I did remember, was it wasn’t my most stellar performance.
见鬼，前几天晚上我在酒吧的储藏室里操过卡莉。我什至不记得它是如何发生的，也不记得是谁发起了事情。我记得的是，这不是我最出色的表演。

Carly was a great lay and always up for a good time. Brock and I had tag-teamed her before we’d deployed the last time, but the other night had been the first time I’d fucked her on my own. That was the problem. At least I thought so, because from what I remembered, Brock’s face and body—and dear God, the noises the man made when his cock was being sucked—were all I could think about.
卡莉是一个很棒的躺下者，总是乐于享受美好时光。布洛克和我在上次部署之前就已经和她搭档了，但前几天晚上是我第一次独自操她。这就是问题所在。至少我是这么认为的，因为据我记忆，布洛克的脸和身体——以及亲爱的上帝，那个男人在吸吮他的鸡巴时发出的声音——就是我所能想到的。

As I thought about it more, I realized what triggered the situation with Carly was receiving a text from Brock blowing me off, saying he had something planned already with one of the guys from Echo Team. When I asked who, my blood boiled. Conley Portland was built a lot like me. Everyone commented on how we could be twins.
当我仔细思考时，我意识到引发卡莉情况的是收到布洛克发来的一条短信，让我大吃一惊，说他已经和回声队的一个人计划了一些事情。当我问是谁时，我热血沸腾。康利波特兰的建造很像我。每个人都评论我们怎么能成为双胞胎。

I didn’t know why, but I hated the motherfucker. I had seen him visually devour Brock at the gym when the three of us were there one day. He was fucking blatant about it.
我不知道为什么，但我讨厌这个混蛋。有一天，当我们三个人在那里时，我看到他在健身房里视觉上吞噬了布洛克。他他妈的明目张胆。

I’d tossed my phone down, pissed off. I was sitting at the bar Carly worked at, the same one we’d met her in months ago. It was every Vah Beach SEAL’s go-to place to tie one on or find a frog hog to warm your dick. The next thing I knew, I was balls deep inside her, thinking about him.
我把手机扔了下来，很生气。我坐在卡莉工作的酒吧里，就是我们几个月前认识她的那家酒吧。这是每个 Vah Beach 海豹突击队的首选地点，可以系上一个或找一只青蛙猪来温暖你的鸡巴。接下来我知道的事情是，我深深地在她体内，想着他。

Wipe that thought from your head.
把这个想法从你的脑海中抹去。

My subconscious was right. DADT was a thing, and I needed to be fucking careful. Being a SEAL was my dream job. It was who and what I was. If anyone caught wind of this—and, hell, even the shit with Brock and Carly—he and I would both be out on our asses.
我的潜意识是对的。DADT 是一回事，我他妈的需要小心。成为海豹突击队队员是我梦想的工作。这是我是谁和我是什么。如果有人听说这件事——甚至是布洛克和卡莉的狗屎——他和我都会大吃一惊。

I thought it was fucking ridiculous. Who you fucked didn’t fucking make you more or less of a man. I knew that Brock was as masculine as you can get. A complete alpha male. He was fucking fearless, aggressive as fuck, and…so fucking sexy.
我觉得这他妈的太荒谬了。你操了谁，他妈的并没有让你或多或少成为一个男人。我知道布洛克是你能得到的最好的男性化。一个完整的阿尔法男性。他他妈的无所畏惧，咄咄逼人，而且......太他妈的性感了。

“You good?” Brock asked as he rolled toward me, interrupting my thoughts.
“你好吗？”布洛克一边问道，一边向我滚来，打断了我的思绪。

I nodded, but continued staring at the ceiling.
我点点头，但继续盯着天花板。

What the fuck did we just do?
我们他妈的刚才做了什么？

CHAPTER 8
第8章

BROCK
布 洛 克

SUMMER 2009
2009年夏季

After another SitRep that was yet another order to sit and fucking spin, I walked out of the conference room, leaving Foster and the others behind. I needed some space. I needed to figure some shit out, and I couldn’t do it under the magnifying gaze of my team leader and our commander.
在又一次 SitRep 之后，我又一次被命令坐下来他妈的旋转，我走出了会议室，留下了福斯特和其他人。我需要一些空间。我需要弄清楚一些问题，但在我的团队领导和我们的指挥官放大的目光下我无法做到这一点。

The higher-ups in Washington were twiddling their thumbs while Adam was held hostage. DOD and the political types were running the pros and cons and the possibilities of blowback on them and the others they gave a fuck about while the team was told to stand the fuck down. And Adam was being tortured.
华盛顿的高层在亚当被扣为人质时摆弄着他们的拇指。国防部和政治派正在对他们和他们进行反击的可能性，而他们却被告知要他妈的站起来。亚当正在遭受折磨。

I was beyond fucking pissed.
我他妈的生气得要命。

We needed to fucking go get him. I didn’t understand what the hold-up was. Even though they’d explained it, it didn’t fucking make a lick of sense.
我们他妈的需要去找他。我不明白阻碍是什么。尽管他们已经解释过了，但这他妈的一点意义都没有。

When I drove through the base’s front gates, I headed to Adam’s apartment instead of going home. I had been keeping the negative thoughts and shit under wraps as much as possible, but I was officially getting scared after the shit we’d just heard. I needed to be as close to him as possible. My heart and soul needed to feel him.
当我开车穿过基地的前门时，我没有回家，而是前往亚当的公寓。我一直在尽可能地将消极的想法和狗屎保密，但在我们刚刚听到的狗屎之后，我正式开始害怕了。我需要尽可能靠近他。我的心和灵魂需要感受他。

When did I become the cheesy romantic fucker that says shit like that?
我什么时候变成那个说这样狗屎的俗气浪漫混蛋了？

Probably when I fell in love with Adam.
可能是当我爱上亚当的时候。

Adam’s granny had always said that talking to yourself was a sign of senility.
亚当的奶奶一直说，自言自语是衰老的表现。

I laughed. She was right. I was fucking losing it. As for the cheesy romantic shit, I’d said similar shit to Adam a few times over the years, and he’d laughed his ass off at me.
我笑了。她是对的。我他妈的要失去它了。至于俗气的浪漫狗屎，这些年来我对亚当说过几次类似的狗屎，他都对我一笑置之。

I pulled into his parking spot and stared up at the building. I shook off the gut punch being here without him caused, and I opened my truck door. I walked up the sidewalk slowly. My feet just wouldn’t fucking move any faster.
我把车停在他的停车位上，抬头凝视着大楼。我摆脱了在没有他造成的情况下在这里的内脏重击，然后我打开了卡车门。我慢慢地走上人行道。我的脚他妈的不会移动得更快。

When I finally reached the door, I used my key, the only thing I’d kept after we’d split the last time. I unlocked the door and pushed it open. Holding it there, I stared into the space. It was like he was in there. Like he was home, waiting for me to come over.
当我终于走到门口时，我用了钥匙，这是我们上次分手后唯一保留的东西。我打开门锁，推开了门。我拿着它，凝视着这个空间。就像他在那里一样。就像他在家，等我过来一样。

Using my foot, I propped open the door and leaned back against the wall. Now that I was here, I didn’t know if I could fucking go inside.
我用脚撑开门，靠在墙上。现在我来了，我不知道我他妈的能不能进去。

There were so many fucking memories in this place. So many experiences were shared within these walls. It was here that we first shared the same bed sexually. Albeit with a woman between us, but still, our first sexual experience happened right here on the other side of the wall I was standing next to. Our second one, that time just the two of us, was also right inside.
这个地方有太多他妈的回忆。在这些围墙内分享了很多经验。正是在这里，我们第一次在性方面同床共枕。尽管我们中间有一个女人，但我们的第一次性经历就发生在我站在墙的另一边。我们的第二个，当时只有我们两个人，也在里面。

Our first kiss was in my apartment, which had been just down the hall. It was the one I was supposed to move into when we first PCS’d to Vah Beach. Right before we came home from Iraq, the sailor I was taking over the apartment from had messaged me, said he was finally moving, and asked if I was still interested.
我们的初吻是在我的公寓里，就在走廊下面。这是我们第一次 PCS 到 Vah 海滩时我应该搬进去的那个。就在我们从伊拉克回家之前，我接管公寓的水手给我发了信息，说他终于要搬家了，并问我是否还有兴趣。

After the shit that happened with Carly and me finally admitting that I had feelings for Adam, I knew I needed to put some space between us. Adam wasn’t happy with the idea for some weird reason he couldn’t articulate. Since he couldn’t or wouldn’t tell me why he didn’t want me to move, I did just that, and I lived down the hall until I’d bought my house.
在卡莉和我终于承认我对亚当有感情之后，我知道我需要在我们之间留出一些空间。亚当对这个想法不满意，因为他无法表达出一些奇怪的原因。由于他不能或不愿告诉我为什么他不想让我搬家，所以我就这么做了，我一直住在走廊下面，直到我买了房子。

That shit with Carly had been a drunken lapse of restraint on my part. I’d not been with a woman in years, but it opened the door enough that about three months into our six-month deployment, Adam started opening up and sharing shit. We were already close, but he shared more than the Navy with me now. He asked about my hopes and dreams, and I asked about his.
和卡莉的那件事是我醉酒后的克制失误。我已经很多年没有和女人在一起了，但它打开了大门，以至于在我们六个月的部署大约三个月后，亚当开始敞开心扉并分享狗屎。我们已经很亲密了，但他现在和我分享的不仅仅是海军。他问我的希望和梦想，我问他的。

We’d talked about anything and everything. Our conversation was held over three long months throughout our deployment to Iraq. It was split up with a couple of injuries and more than one battle. We were in the thick of Fallujah at the time, so sometimes, we’d go days in between talking about nothing but work. But when work was done and we had some downtime, we’d pick right back up where we’d left off.
我们谈论过任何事情。在我们部署到伊拉克的整个过程中，我们的谈话持续了三个多月。它因几次受伤和不止一场战斗而分裂。当时我们身处费卢杰的喧嚣，所以有时，我们会隔着几天，只谈论工作。但是当工作完成并且我们有一些休息时间时，我们会从上次中断的地方继续。

We were the low men on the team and shared a hooch with four other guys, so moments alone were few and far between, but we made them count. Privacy was nonexistent. Even if you got a minute alone, you weren’t guaranteed that minute would last. Not that we were talking about anything sexual or private, at least not much, but things had definitely changed when we’d gotten home.
我们是团队中地位低下的人，与其他四个人共用一个圈子，所以独处的时刻很少，但我们让它们变得有意义。隐私是不存在的。即使你有一分钟的时间独处，也不能保证这一分钟会持续下去。并不是说我们谈论任何性或私人的事情，至少没有太多，但当我们回到家时，情况肯定发生了变化。

I heard a door open, so I finally forced myself to enter the apartment. I stopped just inside. That was as far as I could get. I fell back against the door. My head banged against the steel. A thud sounded from the impact. I blamed it for the rush of tears that burned my eyes and nose. I slid down the door, ignoring my phone.
我听到一扇门开了，于是我终于强迫自己进入了公寓。我刚好在里面停了下来。这是我能达到的距离。我靠在门上。我的头撞到了钢铁上。撞击声传来砰砰声。我把眼泪灼伤了我的眼睛和鼻子，都归咎于它。我滑下门，没有理会我的手机。

They can all go fuck themselves.
他们都可以去操自己。

How long I sat there, I didn’t know. When I arrived, morning sunlight had streamed through the blinds, waking up the apartment the same as it was the earth. Now, it had become a beacon, shining brightly through the curtains Granny hung during one of her visits. My face was sticky from the tears. My nose was stuffed up.
我不知道我在那里坐了多久。当我到达时，早晨的阳光透过百叶窗洒进来，把公寓和大地一样醒来。现在，它已经变成了一盏灯塔，透过奶奶在一次拜访时挂的窗帘闪闪发光。我的脸被眼泪弄得粘糊糊的。我的鼻子被塞住了。

I sighed and got up, wandering through the apartment. Another wave of tears rushed to the surface. The sobs ripped through me as I sat on his bed. I ran my hand over his blankets before I lay down, clutching that stupid pancake rock that Adam called a pillow to my chest.
我叹了口气，站起来，在公寓里闲逛。又一波泪水冲上水面。当我坐在他的床上时，抽泣声撕裂了我。在我躺下之前，我用手抚摸着他的毯子，把亚当称之为枕头的那块愚蠢的煎饼石攥在我的胸前。

I lay there, trying to absorb every bit of Adam possible. I needed to maintain my cool when I walked out of his door because if I lost it, command and the cake eaters at the Pentagon and probably the White House would dig in their heels. I’d never get him back, even if it was just as a friend and teammate.
我躺在那里，试图吸收亚当的每一点。当我走出他的门时，我需要保持冷静，因为如果我失去了它，五角大楼的指挥部和吃蛋糕的人，可能还有白宫会紧随其后。我永远不会把他找回来，即使只是作为朋友和队友。

This had been the first and last place we’d made love. And that was what it was. Even if Adam had denied it, I knew. We were meant to be together. I’d known it the moment we met, the day we’d kissed one another the first time.
这是我们做爱的第一个也是最后一个地方。事实就是这样。即使亚当否认了，我也知道。我们注定要在一起。从我们见面的那一刻起，我们第一次亲吻对方的那一天，我就知道了。

SPRING 2005
2005 年春季

“Goddammit! Stop fucking lying to me. Stop lying to yourself,” I screamed at him.
“该死的！别再骗我了。别再骗自己了，“我对他尖叫。

Ever the stoic motherfucker, Adam said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
亚当一直是个坚忍的混蛋，他说：“我不知道你在说什么。

I laughed mirthlessly. “Bullshit. And fuck you for being a damn coward.”
我无情地笑了起来。“胡说八道。去你妈的，因为你是个该死的懦夫。

Rage consumed him. He turned violent fucking red. It started at his waistband, climbing up his naked chest to his neck and face. It wasn’t the first time I’d seen him overcome with anger.
愤怒吞噬了他。他他妈的脸红了。它从他的腰带开始，沿着他赤裸的胸膛爬到他的脖子和脸上。这不是我第一次看到他被愤怒所淹没。

“Coward? Have you lost your fucking mind? It’s not fucking cowardice. It’s fucking self-preservation. Do you think I like the options? Because I fucking don’t, damn it, but they are what they are. We’re lucky it was something innocent enough we could pass off as just two straight friends having fucking dinner!”
“懦夫？你他妈的失去了理智吗？这他妈的不是怯懦。这他妈的是自我保护。你认为我喜欢这些选项吗？因为我他妈的不，该死的，但他们就是他们本来的样子。我们很幸运，这是一件天真无邪的事情，我们可以冒充成两个异性恋朋友在吃他妈的晚餐！

My world disintegrated at my feet like my bones had turned to dust. I slid to the floor, my head in my hands. All along, I’d known that was all we could ever be to one another—two straight battle buddies. I knew it, but I fucking loved the asshole, and I wanted to spend my life with him.
我的世界在我的脚下瓦解，就像我的骨头变成了灰尘一样。我滑倒在地，双手抱头。一直以来，我都知道这就是我们彼此所能成为的一切——两个直截了当的战友。我知道，但我他妈的爱这个混蛋，我想和他共度一生。

I knew he wasn’t a fucking coward. He was courageous, strong, and brave. We were fucking SEALs. We were the baddest motherfuckers there were. And Adam DuBois was the best of us.
我知道他他妈的不是一个胆小鬼。他勇敢、坚强、勇敢。我们他妈的是海豹突击队。我们是那里最坏的混蛋。亚当·杜波依斯是我们中最好的。

I loved being a team guy. I loved my brothers, and I loved the Navy, but it was so fucking unfair that loving my career and serving my country meant living a life in the shadows, even more so than what being a frogman already required.
我喜欢做一个团队合作的人。我爱我的兄弟们，我爱海军，但热爱我的事业并为我的国家服务意味着在阴影中生活，这太不公平了，甚至比成为蛙人已经需要的生活还要多。

Being gay in the Navy wasn’t allowed. And yes, I’d known that when I joined up. Every gay service member knew it, but we wanted to protect and defend our country, so, yeah, we lied. DADT was mine and Adam’s biggest obstacle, but add to that, we were also teammates, which made what most gay service members did even more of an impossibility for us. We could’ve lived our life together in the shadows…if we weren’t teammates.
在海军中成为同性恋是不被允许的。是的，当我加入时，我就知道这一点。每个同性恋军人都知道这一点，但我们想保护和保卫我们的国家，所以，是的，我们撒了谎。DADT 是我和 Adam 最大的障碍，但除此之外，我们也是队友，这使得大多数同性恋军人所做的事情对我们来说更加不可能。我们本可以在阴影中一起生活......如果我们不是队友的话。

SEAL teams spent every fucking day together, sometimes every damn minute. It would fucking come out eventually.
海豹突击队每天都在一起度过，有时是该死的每一分钟。它他妈的最终会出来的。

Adam sat beside me, his hand gripping my inner thigh, just below my boxer briefs. My dick took notice immediately. It always did when he was near, especially if he touched me. My cock always stood up like an overly excited nerd squirming in his seat with his hand in the air, silently screaming, “ME! ME! ME!”
亚当坐在我身边，他的手抓住了我的大腿内侧，就在我的平角内裤下面。我的鸡巴立即注意到了。当他靠近时总是如此，尤其是当他碰到我时。我的鸡巴总是像一个过度兴奋的书呆子一样站起来，在座位上蠕动，手举在空中，无声地尖叫着：“我！我！我！

“It fucking sucks,” he whispered. The sadness and defeat were as clear as day. “I just want you to know that if I saw a way for us, I’d be all in immediately, and I’d never back the fuck off, but…”
“这他妈的很糟糕，”他低声说。悲伤和失败就像白天一样清晰。“我只是想让你知道，如果我看到适合我们的办法，我会立即全力以赴，而且我永远不会退缩，但是......”

An unbidden tear rolled down my cheek. My throat closed up, and my body vibrated with the effort to keep from sobbing like a damn baby. I nodded.
一滴不由自主的眼泪顺着我的脸颊滑落。我的喉咙闭上了，我的身体颤抖着，努力不让自己像个该死的婴儿一样抽泣。我点点头。

I laid my hand on his thigh, mirroring his action. “The suck just exploded.”
我把手放在他的大腿上，模仿他的动作。“吸吮就爆炸了。”

“That it did. So…” he started, but stopped. He clenched his teeth and whispered, “We have to embrace the suck."
“确实如此。所以......”他开始了，但又停了下来。他咬紧牙关，低声说：“我们必须拥抱这种吸吮。

We sat there, side-by-side, for so damn long my ass went numb, but I knew if I got up—when I got up—that would be that. My shot at happiness would be over. Life with the man I loved would forever dangle in front of me like a carrot, always within reach, in view, but completely and utterly unattainable.
我们并排坐在那里，有那么长的时间，我的屁股都麻木了，但我知道如果我站起来——当我站起来时——就是这样。我获得幸福的机会就结束了。与我所爱的男人在一起的生活将永远像胡萝卜一样悬在我面前，总是触手可及，在视线范围内，但完全无法实现。

I closed my eyes and let my head roll toward him. I wanted to look into those deep, soulful eyes and see more than my battle buddy. I wanted to see a future, but I knew he would pull away from me soon, and I would have to find a way to live life in half measure, content with just being his best fucking friend.
我闭上眼睛，让头朝他转去。我想看着那双深邃、深情的眼睛，看到的不仅仅是我的战友。我想看到一个未来，但我知道他很快就会离开我，我必须找到一种方法过半途而废的生活，满足于做他最好的他妈的朋友。

His hand cupped my cheek. His thumb brushed my cheek. “Brock?”
他的手捧着我的脸颊。他的拇指拂过我的脸颊。“布洛克？”

The softness of his voice caused my chin to tremble as I lost control of my emotions. I opened my eyes, and his were staring back at me. Tears welled up, brimming on his eyelashes. Seeing him as emotional as I was about the end of us lightened my load.
他轻柔的声音让我的下巴颤抖，我失去了对情绪的控制。我睁开眼睛，他正盯着我。泪水夺眶而出，溢在他的睫毛上。看到他和我一样情绪激动，我对我们的尽头感到沮丧。

“How can you be so fucking lucky while also being the most unlucky motherfucker there is?” I asked.
“你怎么能这么他妈的幸运，同时又是最倒霉的混蛋？”我问。

“I don’t know. Anyone who finds their person is one lucky sumbitch, but finding your person and not being able to make it work has got to be the worst pain there is,” Adam said while stroking my face, smoothing down my beard.
“我不知道。任何找到自己的人都是一个幸运的傻瓜，但找到你的人却无法让它发挥作用一定是最痛苦的，“亚当一边说，一边抚摸着我的脸，抚平了我的胡须。

I leaned my forehead against his and closed my eyes, relishing the close contact. “Don’t sell us short, Woody. We’d rock this shit if the obstacles weren’t what they were.”
我把额头靠在他身上，闭上眼睛，享受着这种亲密的接触。“不要卖空我们，伍迪。如果障碍不是它们本来的样子，我们就会摇摆不定。

“Yeah,” he sighed, his head banging against the wall behind us. He grinned. “We would rock this shit.” The smile faded. “If DADT weren’t in our way…”
“是啊，”他叹了口气，头撞在我们身后的墙上。他咧嘴一笑。“我们会摇滚这个狗屎。”笑容消失了。“如果 DADT 没有挡住我们的路......”

I held my breath, waiting with bated breath. I wanted to hear him say the words just one damn time.
我屏住呼吸，屏息以待。我想听他说一次该死的话。

After several minutes of silence, I sighed. “Yeah. That’s the insurmountable problem. It’s the only one that we cannot get around.”
沉默了几分钟后，我叹了口气。“是的。这是无法克服的问题。这是我们唯一无法绕过的。

“What do you mean? We’re on the same team. That doesn’t work either.”
“你什么意思？我们是同一个团队。那也行不通。

“Adam, if it meant being able to be with you the way I want to be with you, I’d leave Alpha team.”
“亚当，如果这意味着能够以我想要的方式和你在一起，我会离开阿尔法团队。”

Shock filled his face. His mouth fell open. He looked ridiculous, to be honest, like a fish out of water, gawping at me.
他的脸上充满了震惊。他的嘴张开了。老实说，他看起来很可笑，就像一条离开水的鱼，瞪着我。

Finally, the shock faded somewhat, and he asked, “You’d leave Alpha? Leave me?”
最后，震惊稍微消退了，他问道，“你会离开阿尔法吗？离开我？

“I’ll never leave you, Wood. Never. But to have you, be able to acknowledge you as mine publicly? Yeah. I’d walk away from the teams,” I said, turning to him, taking his face in my hands so he could realize the depth and breadth of my feelings for him.
“我永远不会离开你，伍德。从不。但是要有你，能够公开承认你是我的？是的。我会离开球队，“我说，转向他，双手捧住他的脸，这样他就能意识到我对他的感情的深度和广度。

This wasn’t just sexual to me. I could get my rocks off anytime with pretty much my pick of guys. But I didn’t want them. I wanted what Adam and I were building together. Fantastic sex, a great friendship that was growing into something so much more. What I felt for Adam DuBois was next realm shit. As cheesy as it sounded-—he completed me. He was the other half of my soul.
这对我来说不仅仅是性问题。我可以随时和我选择的男人一起摆脱我的石头。但我不想要它们。我想要亚当和我一起建造的东西。美妙的性爱，一段伟大的友谊，正在成长为更多的东西。我对亚当·杜波依斯的感觉是下一个领域的狗屎。尽管听起来很俗气——他完成了我。他是我灵魂的另一半。

“Where would you go?” His voice was small and unsure.
“你会去哪里？”他的声音很小，不确定。

“I don’t know. I’d have to put some feelers out,” I said. “Maybe as an instructor for Green Team. They could always use an extra set of hands.”
“我不知道。我必须把一些触角拿出来，“我说。“也许是作为绿队的教练。他们总是可以使用额外的双手。

“We’re gone three hundred days a year. When would we see each other?”
“我们每年要离开三百天。我们什么时候才能见面？

“I know, and being away from you would suck, but if DADT is repealed and I left Alpha, we’d be able to be together.”
“我知道，离开你会很糟糕，但如果 DADT 被废除并且我离开 Alpha，我们就能在一起。”

“No matter what, we’re together, but apart. It seems to be our only option.”
“无论如何，我们在一起，但又分开。这似乎是我们唯一的选择。

I frowned. He wasn’t wrong. If DADT was repealed…
我皱起了眉头。他没有错。如果 DADT 被废除......

Please, God, let it be repealed. Not just for us, but for so damn many of us in the service who live in fear and must hide to serve our country.
上帝啊，请让它被废除。不仅是为了我们，也是为了我们中许多生活在恐惧中、必须躲起来为我们的国家服务的人。

But if it was repealed and Adam and I wanted to be together fully, one of us would have to transfer.
但如果它被废除，亚当和我想完全在一起，我们中的一个人就必须转移。

“Damned if we do and damned if we don’t,” I said.
“如果我们这样做就该死，如果我们不这样做，该死，”我说。

His forehead dropped against mine for several moments until he pulled back, staring into my eyes. I didn’t know what he was looking for, but he must have found it because his mouth turned into a slight grin and he kissed me.
他的额头贴在我的额头上好一会儿，直到他向后退，盯着我的眼睛。我不知道他在找什么，但他一定找到了，因为他的嘴角变成了微微的笑容，吻了我。

Our mouths moved together slowly. Knowing this was likely the last chance we had with one another, I didn’t want to rush it. I wanted to savor every second.
我们的嘴慢慢地并拢在一起。知道这可能是我们彼此相处的最后机会，我不想之过急。我想细细品味每一秒。

One of our phones buzzed on the coffee table. Then the other one buzzed too.
我们的一部手机在咖啡桌上嗡嗡作响。然后另一个也嗡嗡作响。

We pulled away from one another, our heads turning to where our phones lay. They continued to vibrate. That vibration could only mean one thing.
我们彼此拉开距离，把头转向手机所在的地方。他们继续振动。这种振动只能意味着一件事。

I stood, walked to the phones, and tossed Adam his. I looked at my phone, seeing exactly what I didn’t want to see, but what I knew would be there.
我站起来，走到电话前，把亚当扔给他的。我看着手机，看到了我不想看到的东西，但我知道会在那里。

I wanted to cry. It wasn’t fucking fair. We needed more time.
我想哭。这他妈的不公平。我们需要更多时间。

Will more time change anything?
更多的时间会改变什么吗？

I pushed the thought away. I didn’t need to answer the question. It wouldn’t change fucking anything. We were Winchester, pinned down between a rock and a hard place with nowhere to go and no other options. Our goose was cooked, and that was that.
我把这个念头推开了。我不需要回答这个问题。这他妈的什么都不会改变。我们是温彻斯特，被困在岩石和坚硬的地方之间，无处可去，也没有其他选择。我们的鹅煮熟了，仅此而已。

I knew this was likely the last chance we’d get to be together like this, but I couldn’t lose him. Not like this. Not over something so tiny that we’d been able to laugh off and explain away. We’d been seen eating dinner together by some pissy-ass little twerp. We’d been careless. Or rather, I’d been careless. I’d touched Adam’s hand where it lay on the table.
我知道这可能是我们这样在一起的最后一次机会，但我不能失去他。不是这样的。不是因为一件小事，我们能够一笑置之并解释。有人看到我们一起吃晚饭，被一些小屁孩的小电臀舞者看到。我们粗心大意了。或者更确切地说，我粗心大意了。我摸了摸亚当放在桌子上的手。

That had been the end of us as anything more than friends and teammates. I’d had hopes that things might change. The repeal was in the works, but gays were still being dishonorably discharged. If it did change, military wheels turned slow, it would take some time, and then there was the team issue.
这就是我们作为朋友和队友的终结。我曾希望事情可能会改变。废除法案正在进行中，但同性恋者仍然被不光彩地开除。如果它真的改变了，军轮转慢了，这需要一些时间，然后是团队问题。

The issue I thought would split us up hadn’t even come into play. After Adam and I’d fucked that first time, I figured he’d wig the fuck out and say it was a mistake and butt stuff wasn’t his thing, but he hadn’t. He’d embraced his spot on the sexuality spectrum with vigor.
我以为会让我们分手的问题甚至没有发挥作用。在亚当和我第一次做爱之后，我想他会把他妈的假发化出来，说这是一个错误，屁股的东西不是他的菜，但他没有。他充满活力地接受了自己在性取向光谱上的位置。

The next five months were the best of my life. My best friend, the man I had come to know and love, couldn’t fucking keep his hands off me. And I was just as bad. Adam was a stud in the sack. He’d fucked me in every inch of his place and mine.
接下来的五个月是我一生中最美好的时光。我最好的朋友，我认识和爱的那个男人，他妈的无法将他的手从我身上移开。我也同样糟糕。亚当是麻袋里的种马。他操过我和我的地方的每一寸。

But then everything went to hell.
但后来一切都变成了地狱。

I might not be the love of his life, but he is mine, and I’ll be damned if I bring him home under a fucking flag.
我可能不是他一生的挚爱，但他是我的，如果我把他带回家，我会被诅咒的。

My phone buzzed in my pocket again. It had been buzzing for a while now. But I didn’t fucking care. It wasn’t the notification to report, which was the only message I wanted to get.
我的手机又在口袋里嗡嗡作响。它已经嗡嗡作响了一段时间了。但我他妈的不在乎。这不是要报告的通知，这是我唯一想得到的消息。

I needed help. I gazed at the apartment, seeing him in every nook and cranny. Ghost-like images of him walked around the apartment with a multitude of expressions: laughing so hard tears ran down his face, angry, frustrated, horny as hell, possessed with the sexual predator that he kept locked away until it burst forth and went berserk. Jesus Christ, I missed being with him.
我需要帮助。我凝视着公寓，在每一个角落和缝隙中都看到他。他的幽灵般的形象在公寓里走来走去，表情各异：笑得很厉害，泪水从他的脸上流下来，愤怒、沮丧、饥渴得要命，被他锁起来的性掠夺者附身，直到它爆发出来发狂。耶稣基督，我想念和他在一起。

God, if you’re listening, I’ll do whatever you want. Just save him. Please, God, bring him home to us, alive and well.
上帝，如果你在听，我会为你做任何你想做的事。救救他就行了。上帝啊，请把他带回家，活着，好好地回到我们身边。

Tears filled my eyes as I texted the team, asking them to meet me at my place. I wouldn’t out the relationship, only my feelings for Adam, but I needed the team’s help because I refused to sit on my ass while Adam was tortured and possibly killed.
当我给团队发短信时，我的眼泪充满了，请他们到我家见我。我不会透露这段关系，只会透露我对亚当的感情，但我需要团队的帮助，因为当亚当受到折磨并可能被杀时，我拒绝坐在我的屁股上。

The team was there when I pulled up to my house. Their trucks, Jeeps, and cars lined the street. I sighed when I pulled into my garage. I closed my eyes as the emotion surged like it always did when I came home.
当我把车停到我家时，团队就在那里。他们的卡车、吉普车和汽车排列在街道两旁。当我把车停进车库时，我叹了口气。我闭上眼睛，情绪像回家时一样涌动。

Adam and I had spent many weekends here working on my little fixer-upper. Even though we’d split up, when I told him I’d bought a house, he offered to help. We’d done a lot of work on the place, but we’d done so many other things in this house too. Things we couldn’t keep from happening. Things that had made the house feel like a home.
亚当和我在这里度过了许多周末，正在修理我的小修理鞋面。尽管我们分手了，但当我告诉他我买了房子时，他主动提出帮忙。我们在这个地方做了很多工作，但我们也在这个房子里做了很多其他事情。我们无法阻止的事情发生。让房子感觉像个家的东西。

A home that I hoped one day we’d be able to live in together.
我希望有一天我们能够住在一起。

That wouldn’t happen. I’d known that. It couldn’t happen. We’d gone over the issue when we split, and every fucking time we slipped up and found ourselves hot, sweaty, and naked while recovering from yet another fuck that we just couldn’t control.
那不会发生。我早就知道了。这不可能发生。当我们分手时，我们已经讨论过这个问题，每次我们他妈的都会滑倒，发现自己又热又汗，赤身裸体，同时又一次我们无法控制的性交。

We were teammates, and the military didn’t understand that a person could serve and be gay. So, we hid. Taking leave together under the guise we were visiting his grandparents—and we had, but only for a day or two. Then we’d hole up in a cabin or on a beach somewhere remote so we could be our authentic selves. Moments we’d snatched from our meager time off.
我们是队友，军方不明白一个人可以服役并且是同性恋。所以，我们躲了起来。我们一起请假，假名是去拜访他的祖父母——我们去过，但只停留了一两天。然后我们会躲在小木屋或偏远的海滩上，这样我们就可以做真实的自己。我们从微薄的休息时间中抢走的时刻。

We’d just celebrated our anniversary before we’d had that final fight. Although, Adam wouldn’t have ever called it an anniversary, because to him we weren’t together. We were just two buddies hanging out. Even if we were getting our rocks off together on a regular basis.
在我们进行最后的战斗之前，我们刚刚庆祝了我们的周年纪念日。虽然，亚当永远不会称其为周年纪念日，因为对他来说，我们并不在一起。我们只是两个闲逛的伙伴。即使我们定期一起擦石头。

Steeling myself, I got out of my truck. I could tell the guys were all pissed. I assumed they were pissed at me because I’d ignored them all fucking day. I’d seen the notifications when I sent the group text asking them to meet me here.
我振作起来，下了卡车。我看得出来这些家伙都很生气。我以为他们对我很生气，因为我他妈的整天都无视他们。当我向群组发送短信要求他们在这里与我见面时，我看到了这些通知。

“Well, at least ye aren’t fecking dead,” Finlay said.
“好吧，至少你们没有死，”芬利说。

Yep, he isn’t a happy fucking camper.
是的，他不是一个快乐的露营者。

Sighing, I walked through the group and unlocked the door. “Come on inside. I’ll explain everything.”
叹了口气，我穿过人群，打开了门锁。“进去吧。我会解释一切。

They filed in behind me. A couple of them headed to the fridge for drinks while the others pulled a barstool out from the island that separated the kitchen and waited.
他们排成一列，跟在我身后。他们中的几个人去冰箱喝饮料，而其他人则从隔开厨房的岛上拿出一张高脚凳等待。

Once everyone was settled in, I said, “I’m struggling. I don’t know how else to tell you how bad I’m struggling other than to tell y’all something I should keep to myself. You’re my brothers, though, so I’m gonna put my trust in all of you.”
当每个人都安顿下来后，我说：“我正在挣扎。除了告诉你们一些我应该保密的事情之外，我不知道还有什么办法告诉你们我正在挣扎得多么糟糕。不过，你们是我的兄弟，所以我会信任你们所有人。

Foster cleared his throat and said, “You do not have to do this. We all know you and Adam are closer than teammates. You can leave it at that.”
福斯特清了清嗓子，说：“你不必这样做。我们都知道你和亚当比队友更亲密。你可以就这样了。

I watched as all the guys nodded. None of them said anything at first.
我看着所有人都点头。起初他们都没有说什么。

Finally, Carson said, “Dude, whatever you think you need to say, whatever you were getting ready to say…don’t.”
最后，卡森说：“伙计，无论你认为你需要说什么，无论你准备说什么......不要。

I sighed. “I’m sorry. I realize now I’m putting you guys at risk.”
我叹了口气。“对不起。我现在意识到我把你们置于危险之中。

Carson shook his head. “No. That’s not it. It’s because it doesn’t need to be said. Whatever you’ve been keeping to yourself doesn’t change who you are. You are our teammate. Our brother. Fuck the naysayers. They’re idiots.”
卡森摇了摇头。“没有。不是这样。因为不需要说。无论你一直隐藏在心里，都不会改变你是谁。你是我们的队友。我们的兄弟。去他妈的反对者。他们是白痴。

Tears threatened, but I cleared my throat, pressing my thumb and forefinger into my sockets as I fought to keep the tears at bay. “The fucking waiting is killing me. I don’t understand why there’s even a fucking question about going to get him.”
眼泪快要流了，但我清了清嗓子，用拇指和食指按进眼窝，努力忍住眼泪。“他妈的等待要了我的命。我不明白为什么连一个关于去抓他的问题都该死。

The room was filled with derisive comments from a whole team of pissed-off SEALs. We were united in our anger about the situation. Foster’s phone rang, interrupting the chaotic cacophony. It was the same ringtone we all had for Mercer.
房间里充斥着一整队生气的海豹突击队员的嘲讽评论。我们对这种情况感到愤怒。福斯特的电话响了，打断了混乱的刺耳声音。这是我们所有人对 Mercer 的铃声。

“Yeah?” Foster asked when he answered.
“是吗？”福斯特回答时问道。

He never said another word, but he didn’t have to. His face said it all. I dropped my head, wrapped my arms around myself, and tried my damnedest to hold myself to-fucking-gether.
他再也没有说过一句话，但他不必再说一句话。他的脸说明了一切。我低下头，用双臂搂住自己，尽我最大的努力将自己抱在她妈的绳索上。

“Roger that, sir,” Foster said before he hung up the phone. He turned his back to us and walked to the front windows. “We’ve been declared undeployable and given leave for the next thirty days. We are not to report to base during that time.”
“罗杰，先生，”福斯特在挂断电话之前说道。他背对着我们，走到前窗前。“我们已被宣布无法部署，并被允许在接下来的三十天内休假。在此期间我们不会到基地报到。

I stared a hole in his back as he stared out over the front yard, waiting for him to explain.
当他凝视着前院时，我盯着他背上的一个洞，等着他解释。

When he didn’t, I said, “What the fuck does that mean for Adam?”
当他不这样做时，我说，“这对亚当来说他妈的意味着什么？

Foster turned back to us, his jaw clenched so hard I was surprised his teeth weren’t cracking. “It means if someone goes after him, it won’t be us.”
福斯特转身看向我们，他的下巴紧咬得如此之紧，我很惊讶他的牙齿没有裂开。“这意味着如果有人追捕他，那将不是我们。”

Finlay said, “What the fecking hell do ye mean, if?”
芬利说，“如果，你的意思是什么？

Foster shoved his hands in through his hair. “A decision still hasn’t been made. According to Mercer, the intel still isn’t definitive enough to warrant a green light.”
福斯特把手伸进头发里。“还没有做出决定。根据美世的说法，情报仍然不够明确，不足以保证开绿灯。

I shot to my feet. I grabbed the barstool I’d been sitting on, squeezing the legs. My arms shook. All the anguish and rage and sheer fucking despair clawed its way out of the fucking box I’d had it bottled up in since Adam was captured.
我猛地站了起来。我抓起我一直坐着的高脚凳，捏了捏腿。我的手臂颤抖着。所有的痛苦、愤怒和纯粹的绝望都从亚当被俘后我一直把它装在里面的盒子里爬了出来。

“FUCK!” The word ripped through my throat like razor blades.
“操！”这个词像剃须刀片一样撕裂了我的喉咙。

Unable to contain all the shit I felt any longer, I turned, swinging the fucking stool with everything in me. I felt the vibrations as I made contact with something, and the bone-jarring jolt released the last of the rage I’d boxed up.
我再也无法控制所有的狗屎，我转过身来，带着我所有的一切摆动着他妈的凳子。当我接触到什么东西时，我感受到了振动，刺骨的震动释放了我压抑的最后愤怒。

I continued swinging, relishing the violence, the release. I was blind and deaf to everything around me. All I heard was Adam’s voice, which was so fucking rough, but could be so damn sweet too. Like chocolate-covered gravel.
我继续摇摆，享受着暴力和释放。我对周围的一切都视而不见，充耳不闻。我听到的只是亚当的声音，它他妈的很粗糙，但也可以很甜美。就像巧克力覆盖的砾石一样。

All I saw was Adam’s face. The smile he’d get when I made him laugh. The sexy-ass smirk that never failed to light me up inside. The look of lust and determination and even anger. I saw it all, and it gutted me, knowing I’d never see or hear him again.
我看到的只是亚当的脸。当我让他笑时，他会露出微笑。性感的傻笑总是让我内心兴奋不已。欲望、决心甚至愤怒的表情。我看到了这一切，这让我心碎，因为我知道我再也见不到或听不到他的声音了。

Arms wrapped around me from behind, imprisoning my arms while someone wrestled the barstool out of my hands. Finlay stood in front of me with the mangled barstool in his hands. His face and the faces of my teammates I could see were filled with sympathy and some of the rage and anguish I felt.
双臂从后面环住我，囚禁着我的手臂，同时有人从我手中夺走了高脚凳。芬利站在我面前，手里拿着那张破旧的高脚凳。他和我能看到的队友的脸上充满了同情，也充满了我所感受到的一些愤怒和痛苦。

I fought against the person behind me. “Let me go, goddammit!”
我与身后的人战斗。“放开我，该死的！”

Foster’s arms dropped from around me immediately. I shoved away from him, dashing the moisture from my face as I took a few deep, calming breaths. When I turned back around, I winced. I’d pommeled the island, the walls, and the fucking fridge. Everything in my path had felt the brunt of the anguish that still percolated throughout my system.
福斯特的手臂立即从我身边掉下来。我推开他，一边吸了几口平静的深呼吸，一边拂去脸上的湿气。当我回头时，我皱起了眉头。我把岛屿、墙壁和他妈的冰箱都弄得一团糟。我前进道路上的一切都首当其冲地感受到了仍然渗透在整个系统的痛苦。

“Fuck,” I muttered.
“操，”我喃喃自语。

If Adam saw this, he’d be fucking pissed. We’d worked our asses off in this kitchen. It had been a fucking disaster when I first bought this place, and after my outburst, it wasn’t much better than where it’d started.
如果亚当看到这个，他他妈的会生气的。我们在这个厨房里辛勤工作。当我第一次买下这个地方时，这是一场他妈的灾难，在我爆发之后，它并不比开始时好多少。

Before anyone could say anything, my cell phone rang. I pulled it out of my pocket. I didn’t recognize the number on the screen, but I answered anyway.
还没等任何人说什么，我的手机就响了。我从口袋里掏出它。我不认识屏幕上的号码，但我还是接了。

“Jones,” I said.
“琼斯，”我说。

“Chief Petty Officer Jones?” The Texas twang sounded familiar.
“琼斯士官长？”德克萨斯的嘟嘟声听起来很熟悉。

“Yes?” I replied.
“是吗？”我回答。

“You don’t know me, but I believe you’ve met my sons, Walker, Foster, and Parker.”
“你不认识我，但我相信你见过我的儿子，沃克、福斯特和帕克。”

“Admiral Holt?” I questioned.
“霍尔特海军上将？”我问道。

Foster’s eyes widened, and he looked at his phone. I was as confused as he was.
福斯特瞪大了眼睛，看了看手机。我和他一样困惑。

Why is his dad calling me and not him?
为什么他爸爸打电话给我而不是他？

He chuckled. “Happy to see my son’s number three isn’t just a knuckle-dragging door kicker. Are you alone?”
他笑了笑。“很高兴看到我儿子的三号不仅仅是一个拖着指关节踢门的人。你一个人吗？

“No, sir. The team is here with me,” I explained, still completely baffled as to why Admiral Holt called me and not his son.
“不，先生。团队和我在一起，“我解释道，仍然完全困惑为什么霍尔特海军上将打电话给我而不是他的儿子。

“Good to hear they are rallying around you. Put me on speaker,” he commanded.
“很高兴听到他们团结在你周围。把我放在扬声器上，“他命令道。

Rally around me? Why just me?
团结在我周围？为什么只有我？

I glared at Foster as I followed the admiral’s orders, wondering what Foster had told his dad about me. “Sir, you’re on speakerphone.”
我按照海军上将的命令瞪了福斯特一眼，想知道福斯特对他父亲说了什么关于我的事。“先生，您正在使用免提电话。”

“Alpha Team, there’s a private jet headed for the airport, and you are all expected to be on it. I’ve texted Petty Officer Jones the information. We’ll talk more when you get to the ranch.”
“阿尔法小队，有一架私人飞机正飞往机场，你们都应该在上面。我已经给琼斯士官发了短信。等你到了牧场，我们再谈。

The line went dead immediately, just as a text notification came in.
线路立即挂断，就在短信通知进来时。

UNKNOWN
未知

1700 PVG

“What the fuck?” I showed the text to Foster, and he sighed.
“他妈的？”我把文字拿给福斯特看，他叹了口气。

“Looks like we need to grab our shit…” Foster’s phone dinged, and he laughed. He showed his text to me as he asked, “Y’all ready to fly with five kids and four dogs?”
“看来我们需要抓我们的狗屎......”福斯特的电话叮当作响，他笑了起来。他向我展示了他的短信，同时问道：“你们准备好带着五个孩子和四只狗飞了吗？

CHAPTER 9
第9章

ADAM
亚当

SUMMER 2009
2009年夏季

My eyes popped open. Immediately, the smell of piss and shit overwhelmed me. The heat made the smell horrific. I tried pushing it from my mind, but it was the same every damn time I woke up or came to. The smell was always worse when I first opened my eyes. It had burrowed under my skin and taken up residence in my nose and throat. I rolled over in the crate to avoid puking my guts out. I lost the battle and dry-heaved until my stomach clenched painfully.
我睁开了眼睛。随即，小便和粪便的气味淹没了我。炎热的气味使气味变得可怕。我试着把它从脑海中推开，但每次我醒来或醒来时都是一样的。当我第一次睁开眼睛时，气味总是更难闻。它已经钻进了我的皮肤下，栖息在我的鼻子和喉咙里。我在板条箱里翻了个身，以免吐出我的内脏。我输掉了战斗，干涸了，直到我的胃痛苦地抿紧了。

“Fuck,” I groaned when my body finally stopped trying to evict all my organs.
“操，”当我的身体终于停止试图驱逐我所有的器官时，我呻吟着。

My head banged against the metal, bouncing my brain around inside my skull, making me sick to my stomach again.
我的头撞在金属上，我的大脑在我的头骨里弹来弹去，让我再次反胃。

I lay back, trying to figure out if I’d fallen asleep or blacked out from the pain, which was fucking godawful. The bullet wounds from when I was captured still hadn’t healed. Of course, my captors fucking got a kick poking at them like they were the fucking Pillsbury Doughboy.
我躺了下来，试图弄清楚我是睡着了还是因疼痛而昏厥了，这他妈的太可怕了。我被俘时的枪伤还没有愈合。当然，绑架我的人他妈的会像他妈的皮尔斯伯里面团男孩一样踢他们。

I was back in the dog crate. I had been for a couple of days. They’d always put me back here to “recover” from the shit they did to me. It was a mindfuck. A devious one, and it fucking worked like a charm. Just as soon as I’d gotten used to the solitude and healed up a bit, so I wasn’t in excruciating pain, they’d come for me.
我回到了狗笼里。我已经呆了几天了。他们总是把我放回这里，从他们对我做的狗屎中“恢复”。这是个疯子。一个狡猾的，它他妈的就像一个魅力。当我习惯了孤独并痊愈了一点，所以我没有感到难以忍受的痛苦时，他们就会来找我。

This last time was fucking awful. Stress positions, waterboarding, electrocution. I’d lost a pinky nail. Fuck, that had hurt.
最后一次他妈的太糟糕了。压力姿势、水刑、触电。我失去了一颗小指甲。他妈的，那很痛。

The solitude was supposed to be one of the worst torture tactics, but sometimes being left to your own devices wasn’t so bad. I’d come to love the solitude and isolation. Living in my own filth sucked ass. Who knew what kind of shitty-ass diseases I’d have when I got the fuck out of here? But at least I was left to my own devices. I only liked being pulled out of the hot box, which one of the Arabic speakers had called it, because they’d hose me down.
独处应该是最糟糕的酷刑策略之一，但有时听天由命也没那么糟糕。我开始喜欢孤独和孤立。生活在我自己的肮脏中。谁知道当我离开这里时，我会得什么样的糟糕疾病？但至少我只能自生自灭了。我只喜欢被从热箱里拉出来，其中一位说阿拉伯语的人称之为热箱，因为他们会用软管灌我。

Right before our last deployment, I’d bought a boat, taken up deep sea fishing and hiking, and even started reading—pleasure reading, at that. Who knew crime novels and thrillers were so damn good? I spent a shit ton of time trying to keep my mind occupied. But all those things still couldn’t keep my cock out of Brock’s ass.
就在我们上次部署之前，我买了一艘船，开始了深海捕鱼和徒步旅行，甚至开始阅读——那就是阅读的乐趣。谁知道犯罪小说和惊悚片这么好？我花了很多时间试图让我的思绪保持忙碌。但所有这些东西仍然无法阻止我的鸡巴进入布洛克的屁股。

Whenever Brock and I hung out, something came over me, and I couldn’t help myself. We’d be watching a ballgame, working on my boat or his house, or hole up in a cabin or beach somewhere, and the next thing I knew, I’d have him pressed against the nearest available surface, fucking him until he begged for mercy and we both blew our loads. And once we broke the seal, there was no stopping us. We’d fuck for hours until we couldn’t get it up again for love or money.
每当我和布洛克出去玩时，我都会有东西涌上心头，我无法控制自己。我们会看一场球赛，在我的船或他的房子里工作，或者躲在某个小屋或海滩上，接下来我知道的事情是，我会把他压在最近的可用表面上，操他，直到他求饶，我们俩都吹了我们的负载。一旦我们打破封印，就没有人能阻止我们。我们会做爱几个小时，直到我们无法为了爱情或金钱而再次起床。

I’m an asshole.
我是个混蛋。

I doubted Brock would argue against my assessment. I mean, I’d told the guy we couldn’t be together four years ago, but I’d kept fucking him, kept going on vacation with him, both of which I was sure fucked with his head. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he’d told me so many times he loved me, but I’d never given those words back to him.
我怀疑布洛克会反对我的评估。我的意思是，四年前我告诉过那个人我们不能在一起，但我一直在操他，一直和他一起去度假，我肯定都用他的头操了。好像这还不够糟糕，他已经告诉我很多次他爱我，但我从来没有把这些话还给他。

I’d denied my feelings, rejecting his, yet taking the things I couldn’t seem to do without when in reality, I couldn’t do without Brock Jones. It wasn’t just sex. Even though I knew that was what he thought.
我否认了自己的感受，拒绝了他的感受，但却接受了我似乎离不开的东西，而实际上，我离不开布洛克·琼斯。这不仅仅是性。尽管我知道他是这么想的。

I knew because he’d screamed it at me a few months before we were spun up for this op. Those few months between that argument and when I was captured had been the worst of my miserable life. I had filled my off hours with all sorts of shit. Things I didn’t give a fuck about or things that I did day in and day out. I did it all to fill the Brock-sized gap that last argument had left in my soul.
我知道，因为在我们被安排进行这次行动之前几个月，他已经对我大喊大叫了。从那次争吵到我被抓获之间的那几个月是我悲惨生活中最糟糕的时期。我用各种狗屎填满了我的休息时间。我没有关心的事情，或者我日复一日地做的事情。我做这一切都是为了填补上次争论在我灵魂中留下的布洛克大小的空白。

SPRING 2009
2009年春季

The sun blazed down, heating the air and slowly roasting us. We’d started the day in the marina scraping the hull and doing some maintenance, but Brock had suggested we head out to do some fishing once we were done.
太阳炽热地落下，加热空气，慢慢地烤着我们。我们在码头开始了新的一天，刮擦船体并进行一些维护，但布洛克建议我们完成后出去钓鱼。

We were about twenty miles off the coast, and there wasn’t another boat in sight. It was so fucking amazing. Just me and Brock out there with his grunge music blaring in the background.
我们离海岸大约二十英里，看不到另一艘船。这真是太神奇了。只有我和布洛克在外面，背景音乐响起。

“This is the life,” I said, reaching for his hand as he walked past with a fresh round of beer for the both of us.
“这就是生活，”我说，伸手拉住他的手，他走过，为我们俩拿着一轮新鲜的啤酒。

Brock gave me the stink eye and pulled his hand from mine, replacing it with the beer he’d brought me. “What, being waited on and brought your beer?”
布洛克用臭眼睛看了我一眼，把他的手从我的手上拉开，换上了他给我带来的啤酒。“什么，被等着送来你的啤酒？”

I turned my head toward him, confused by the surly attitude. “What crawled up your ass?”
我把头转向他，对他粗鲁的态度感到困惑。“什么爬上你的屁股？”

Brock scoffed at me, shaking his head. He didn’t say a word. He just got up and started reeling in lines and packing away equipment. When he headed up to the wheelhouse, I followed him.
布洛克对我嗤之以鼻，摇了摇头。他一言不发。他刚站起来，开始收线并收拾设备。当他走向驾驶室时，我跟着他。

“Mind telling me what’s going on?” I asked.
“介意告诉我发生了什么事吗？”我问。

He continued treating me to the silent treatment as he started up the boat. He brought us about and headed back to shore. I sat down facing him, but he never looked at me. Never spoke to me.
他一边开船，一边继续对我进行无声的对待。他带着我们回到岸边。我面对着他坐下，但他从来没有看过我。从来没有和我说话。

I sighed and decided to enjoy the ride.
我叹了口气，决定享受这段旅程。

After about ten minutes, I offered, “I’m sorry for whatever I did that pissed you off.”
大约十分钟后，我提出，“我对不起我所做的一切惹恼了你。

I didn’t know what the fuck I’d done, but I knew I’d done something. You could only shut Brock up when there was an imminent threat or he was royally pissed off. Any other time, he chattered like a magpie. Since I knew there wasn’t a threat, I knew he was pissed.
我不知道我他妈做了什么，但我知道我做了什么。你只能在威胁迫在眉睫时让布洛克闭嘴，或者他非常生气。其他时候，他都像喜鹊一样喋喋不休。既然我知道没有威胁，我就知道他很生气。

“You’re a fucking asshole. Do you realize that?” he asked without looking at me.
“你他妈的混蛋。你意识到这一点吗？“他没有看我，就问道。

“Yeah. I’m aware. What made me an asshole today?” I asked.
“是的。我知道。是什么让我今天成为混蛋？我问。

Brock sighed and cut the engine, resting his palms on the console in front of him. “I’m trying, Adam. I’m trying so damn hard, but then you say shit like you did earlier, or we end up fucking; it brings it all rushing back, dropping me in the land of hopes and dreams.”
布洛克叹了口气，切断了引擎，将手掌放在他面前的控制台上。“我正在努力，亚当。我该死的努力，但你像之前一样说狗屎，否则我们最终会做爱;它让这一切冲回来，让我进入了希望和梦想的土地。

“Oh,” I said.
“哦，”我说。

What else could I fucking say? Four years ago, I’d had hopes and dreams, too. Fuck. I still did, but I didn’t see a way out of the mess we were in.
我他妈的还能说什么呢？四年前，我也有希望和梦想。他妈的。我仍然这样做了，但我没有看到摆脱我们所处的混乱的出路。

Brock shoved his hands through his hair, pulling at the strands. He walked to the boat’s bow and looked out over the water. His shoulders were hunched in, and his arms crossed over his chest.
布洛克用手捋着头发，拉扯着头发。他走到船头，眺望着水面。他的肩膀弓着，双臂交叉在胸前。

I wanted to ask what I could do, but feared what he would ask for.
我想问我能做什么，但又害怕他会要求什么。

I cannot lose him.
我不能失去他。

Brock was all I had outside my grandparents and the teams. He was so entrenched in my life that I didn’t think excising him at this point would be possible. Whenever I spoke to Granny and Gramps, they asked about him. They were the only people who knew I was gay—the only people who knew my hopes and dreams.
布洛克是我除了祖父母和球队之外的全部。他在我的生活中根深蒂固，以至于我认为此时不可能切除他。每当我和奶奶和奶奶交谈时，他们都会问他的情况。他们是唯一知道我是同性恋的人——唯一知道我的希望和梦想的人。

Realizing what a selfish motherfucker I was, I walked up behind him.
意识到我是一个多么自私的混蛋，我走到他身后。

“What do you need from me?” I asked, nearly gagging on the words as they came out of my mouth.
“你需要我做什么？”我问道，当这些话从我嘴里说出来时，我几乎要作呕。

“Everything I cannot have and you refuse to give,” Brock whispered hoarsely.
“我不能拥有的一切，你拒绝给予，”布洛克沙哑地低声说道。

I put my hands on his waist and turned him toward me. He resisted for a moment, but huffed and complied.
我把手放在他的腰上，把他转向我。他反抗了一会儿，但气喘吁吁地答应了。

I could see the emotion on his face.
我可以看到他脸上的情绪。

“If you could have whatever you wanted, what would it be?” I asked.
“如果你能拥有任何你想要的东西，那会是什么？”我问。

Brock’s face hardened as tears filled his eyes. “Do you really need to ask that?”
布洛克的脸色变得僵硬，泪水充满了他的眼睛。“你真的需要问这个问题吗？”

I smiled remorsefully. “No. I don’t really have to ask that. Just wanted to know if things had changed for you?”
我懊悔地笑了笑。“没有。我真的不必问这个问题。只是想知道你的情况是否发生了变化？

Brock’s hands came up to cup my face. When we’d first started hooking up, I had thought I’d hate being smaller than him, but I secretly loved it.
布洛克的手举起来捧住我的脸。当我们刚开始勾搭时，我以为我讨厌比他小，但我暗自喜欢它。

Secretly.
偷偷。

I hummed. Everything with us was a fucking secret. Secret feelings, secret relationship, secret breakup, secret hookups, and now what looked like another secret breakup. I fucking hated secrets, but it was that or nothing.
我哼了一声。我们的一切都是他妈的秘密。秘密感情、秘密关系、秘密分手、秘密勾搭，现在看起来又一次秘密分手。我他妈的讨厌秘密，但就是这样，或者什么都没有。

Brock brushed his thumbs against my cheeks. “No. Nothing has changed for me. I still love you. I still want to spend my life with you.”
布洛克用拇指擦过我的脸颊。“没有。对我来说，一切都没有改变。我仍然爱你。我还想和你共度一生。

I stared up at him, gazing into his beautiful blue eyes. I nodded, but my jaw locked down and I said nothing. What good would admitting how I felt do, other than making us both a couple of miserable fucks?
我抬头凝视着他，凝视着他美丽的蓝眼睛。我点点头，但我的下巴紧紧地锁住，什么也没说。承认我的感受，除了让我们俩都做几次痛苦的性交之外，还有什么用呢？

I’d always been able to set a goal and meet it. I wanted to join the Navy. I did it. I wanted to be a SEAL. I did it. I wanted to be a Tier One operator. I did that too.
我总是能够设定一个目标并实现它。我想加入海军。我成功了。我想成为一名海豹突击队员。我成功了。我想成为一级作员。我也这样做了。

I wanted Brock.
我想要布洛克。

I wanted a life with him.
我想和他一起生活。

Two goals. Two problems that were bigger than me. Bigger than us.
两个目标。两个比我更大的问题。比我们大。

We were right back where we started four years ago: two of the unluckiest bastards in Uncle Sam’s Navy.
我们又回到了四年前开始的地方：山姆大叔海军中最倒霉的两个混蛋。

Brock leaned in and kissed me. Our lips brushed together solemnly. I knew what was coming. I knew it as sure as I knew my damn name.
布洛克俯身亲吻了我。我们的嘴唇郑重地擦在一起。我知道会发生什么。我知道这一点，就像我知道我该死的名字一样。

Brock shoved me down onto the sunbed and climbed on top of me. He devoured my mouth as I brushed tears from his eyes. Wanting him closer, I pulled him to me. We wrapped ourselves around each other, getting as close as possible. We took our time, slowly consuming one another.
布洛克把我推到日光浴床上，爬到我身上。当我擦去他眼中的泪水时，他吞噬了我的嘴。我想让他靠近一点，我把他拉到我身边。我们互相包裹，尽可能靠近。我们慢慢来，慢慢地互相消耗。

Brock eased back, his nose rubbing against mine. “I don’t think I can keep doing this.”
布洛克缓缓地往后退，他的鼻子蹭了蹭我的鼻子。“我认为我不能继续这样做。”

He started into my face. His eyes darted from one feature to another as he slipped off my chest. I rolled toward him, pulling him into my arms so we were facing one another.
他开始当着我的面。当他从我的胸口滑落时，他的目光从一个特征跳到另一个特征。我滚向他，把他拉进怀里，这样我们就面对面了。

“I figured you were getting ready to say that. You’re my best friend, Brock. My brother. My teammate. How will I get through this life without you by my side?” I asked selfishly.
“我以为你已经准备好这么说了。你是我最好的朋友，布洛克。我的兄弟。我的队友。没有你在身边，我该如何度过这一生？我自私地问道。

I was a complete piece of shit. I knew it.
我是一个彻头彻尾的狗屎。我就知道。

“I’ll always be your best friend, your brother, and your teammate, but I cannot be your sidepiece any longer,” Brock whispered. Emotion roughened his voice.
“我永远是你最好的朋友、你的兄弟和你的队友，但我不能再成为你的伙伴了，”布洛克低声说。情绪使他的声音变得粗糙。

Confusion had me reeling. “Sidepiece? Brock, there isn’t anyone else. I’ve not dated or fucked anyone in five years. The last person I fucked other than you was Carly. You’re not a side piece. You’re the only piece.”
混乱让我感到震惊。“边戏？布洛克，没有其他人。我已经五年没有和任何人约会或做爱了。除了你之外，我最后操过的人是卡莉。你不是副手。你是唯一的一块。

Brock’s eyes widened. His breath whooshed out all at once. His mouth opened and closed several times. “I didn’t think you were fucking around. At least, I hoped you weren’t. But…”
布洛克瞪大了眼睛。他的呼吸一下子呼啸而出。他的嘴张开又闭了好几次。“我没想到你在胡闹。至少，我希望你不是。但是......”

I waited. Brock’s ADHD made him say shit without thinking a lot of the time, but there were times, like now, when the filter that failed him regularly kicked into overdrive.
我等着。布洛克的多动症让他很多时候不假思索地说狗屎，但有时，比如现在，让他失望的过滤器经常超速运转。

When I was still waiting several minutes later and Brock showed no signs of continuing, I prompted, “But…”
几分钟后，当我还在等待，布洛克没有继续的迹象时，我提示道，“但是......”

Brock closed his eyes, sighing. “You say I’m not the sidepiece, but I am, because you’re committed to the teams. Married to them. Whereas I’d leave to be with you. Since I don’t see you ever making that decision, I stay.”
布洛克闭上眼睛，叹了口气。“你说我不是边角，但我是，因为你对球队的承诺。嫁给了他们。而我会离开和你在一起。既然我看不出你永远不会做出这个决定，所以我就留下来。

I considered what he said, wondering if there was something out there that could fulfill me the way being a SEAL did. I knew so many guys who’d left that twisted in the wind because they couldn’t adjust to a normal way of life. I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to live life working an average Joe job, but the thought of living life with Brock was tempting.
我思考了他所说的话，想知道是否有东西可以像海豹突击队一样满足我。我认识很多人，他们因为无法适应正常的生活方式而离开了风中。我不知道我是否能够过上一份普通的乔工作，但一想到和布洛克一起生活就很诱人。

I thought about it. Waking up next to him, taking him out to dinner, living with him, sharing dinners, holidays, birthdays… The mundane shit that most people hated and SEALs rarely experienced because we were off somewhere in the world fighting to make sure everyone back home got to live all those mundane things in relative safety.
我想了想。在他身边醒来，带他出去吃饭，和他一起生活，共聚晚餐，节假日，过生日......大多数人讨厌的平凡的狗屎，海豹突击队很少经历，因为我们在世界的某个地方，为确保家乡的每个人都能相对安全地生活所有这些平凡的事情而奋斗。

“Spell it out for me. What’s your best plan?” I asked.
“帮我拼出来。你最好的计划是什么？我问。

Maybe he had something up his sleeve that would surprise me.
也许他有什么会让我感到惊讶的事情。

“I don’t fucking know,” he said defensively. His voice was sharp and edgy. “I didn’t waste my energy on a plan because I knew you’d never consider it.”
“我他妈的不知道，”他防御地说。他的声音尖锐而尖锐。“我没有把精力浪费在一个计划上，因为我知道你永远不会考虑它。”

“So you want me—us—to walk away from our life’s dream job on a whim and a prayer?” I asked, utterly fucking baffled that the man even thought that was an option.
“所以你想让我——我们——一时兴起和祈祷就离开我们一生的梦想工作？”我问道，他妈的非常困惑，那个男人竟然认为这是一个选择。

“I fucking want you to choose us, damn it!” Brock shouted as he rushed to his feet and stalked away from me. “I want you to walk toward a life with me.”
“我他妈的要你选择我们，该死的！”布洛克大喊一声，冲起身来，大步离开我。“我希望你和我一起走向生活。”

“We have twelve years until we can retire with our pensions. If we leave now, we’re gonna need a fucking plan. As much as I love swallowing your cum, we cannot live on sex and fucking pipe dreams!” I yelled back at him.
“我们有十二年的时间才能带着养老金退休。如果我们现在离开，我们将需要一个他妈的计划。尽管我很喜欢吞下你的精液，但我们不能靠性和他妈的白日梦生活！我对他大喊大叫。

Brock stalked back to the wheelhouse, yelling at me as he went. “Fuck you, and fuck this! I’m done. You deny your feelings for me, you reject mine, all while fucking me every chance you get. From this point on, get your rocks off without me. I’m not a plaything that can be put on a shelf and taken down when you have an itch that needs scratching.”
布洛克大步回到驾驶室，边走边对我大喊大叫。“去你妈的，去他妈的！我说完了。你否认你对我的感情，你拒绝我的感情，同时一有机会就操我。从现在开始，在没有我的情况下，把你的石头弄掉。我不是一个可以放在架子上，当你有痒需要抓挠时就拿下来的玩物。

CHAPTER 10
第10章

BROCK
布 洛 克

SUMMER 2009
2009年夏季

I jumped in my truck, heading for Adam’s place. I didn’t know what the hell was going on, but I was good at following orders.
我跳上卡车，前往亚当的住处。我不知道到底发生了什么，但我很擅长听从命令。

When I hung up the phone, Foster looked around the room.
当我挂断电话时，福斯特环顾房间。

“Go get your shit together. The admiral doesn’t like to be kept waiting.”
“去把你们的狗屎收拾起来吧。海军上将不喜欢被人等着。

As everyone filed out of the house, he grabbed my shoulders and said, “Go get some of Adam’s shit. Grab any gear he has at home, and bring anything he considers a comfort.”
当每个人都走出家门时，他抓住我的肩膀说：“去拿一些亚当的狗屎。拿起他家里的任何装备，带上他认为舒适的东西。

My eyes widened. “I thought…”
我瞪大了眼睛。“我以为......”

Foster shrugged. “I did too, until the admiral called. Don’t get your hopes up. I just want to be prepared. Just in case.”
福斯特耸了耸肩。“我也是，直到海军上将打来电话。不要抱太大希望。我只想做好准备。以防万一。

I nodded, but hope swelled without permission and would not go back into the box I’d been keeping it in. I took a couple of deep breaths as I shut the door behind Foster. I walked to the spare room.
我点点头，但希望未经允许就膨胀了，不会再回到我一直关在盒子里的盒子里了。我深吸了几口气，关上了福斯特身后的门。我走到备用房间。

I loved this room. My own personal gun room. I had a couple of gun safes and a large L-shaped workbench. One side was filled with all the shit I used to load ammo, and the other side I used to design and make tactical gear. I even had a commercial sewing machine. Then, off in one corner, were my leather tools, which I’d only recently gotten into.
我喜欢这个房间。我自己的私人枪房。我有几个枪支保险箱和一个大的 L 形工作台。一侧装满了我用来装弹药的所有狗屎，另一侧是我用来设计和制作战术装备的。我甚至有一台商用缝纫机。然后，在一个角落里，是我的皮革工具，我最近才接触到它。

I kept a couple of go bags in the closet, so I grabbed those and took them out to the truck. I pulled out several hard gun cases and loaded them up with a couple of Sigs, a couple of M-4s, and K-bars. Then I pulled out my sniper rifle. If I got the shot at the fuckers who’d taken Adam, I’d take it, but I hoped I got up close and personal with the motherfuckers.
我在衣柜里放了几个外带包，所以我抓起它们，把它们带到卡车上。我拿出几个硬枪盒，装上几个 Sig、几个 M-4 和 K 杆。然后我掏出了狙击步枪。如果我能对那些带走亚当的混蛋开枪，我会接受，但我希望我能近距离接触那些混蛋。

I made sure I grabbed enough for Adam as well. Since he’d been held for so long, I knew the likelihood he’d be able to fight his way out would be low, but I wanted him to have what he needed if he could pitch in.
我确保我也为亚当抓住了足够的食物。由于他被关押了这么久，我知道他能够杀出一条血路的可能性很低，但我希望他能得到他需要的东西，如果他能参与进来的话。

Looking at the gun cases, I chewed my lip. I’d never flown private, but I wasn’t sure what I would and wouldn’t be able to take with me. Hopefully, I didn’t have to stow this shit in my truck at an airfield for a month. I decided it didn’t matter if I could take it; I was going loaded for bear, just in case.
看着枪箱，我咬了咬嘴唇。我从来没有乘坐过私人飞机，但我不确定我会带什么，不能带什么。希望我不必在机场的卡车里存放一个月。我决定我能不能接受并不重要;我准备去找熊，以防万一。

I stowed the guns in my truck and headed for the bedroom. I didn’t think I needed more than the two go bags, but I grabbed more clothing and my phone charger. I looked around and saw my Kindle and iPad; I grabbed them and was out the door.
我把枪装进卡车，走向卧室。我认为我不需要的只是两个旅行包，但我拿了更多的衣服和手机充电器。我环顾四周，看到了我的 Kindle 和 iPad;我抓住它们，走出了门。

Since the day when we called our relationship quits, there’d been so fucking many fights. Fights that had sometimes ended in the sheets, naked against the wall, or still half-dressed on the floor, rutting against each other like two animals in heat.
自从我们宣布结束关系的那一天起，就发生了太多他妈的争吵。有时在床单上结束的战斗，赤身裸体靠在墙上，或者仍然半身衣服躺在地板上，像两只发情的动物一样相互撞击。

After the blowup Adam and I had a few months before we deployed, I’d gathered all his shit from my place and dumped it on his fucking doorstep in a fit of rage and despair. That fight had nearly ruined our friendship, and I’d thought it had destroyed me for a bit. It had been the worst fight we’d ever had. I’d called him an asshole and told him I was done.
在爆炸之后，我和亚当在部署前有几个月的时间，我从我家收集了他所有的狗屎，在愤怒和绝望中把它倒在了他他妈的家门口。那场争吵几乎毁了我们的友谊，我以为它摧毁了我一段时间。这是我们经历过的最糟糕的战斗。我骂他是个混蛋，告诉他我完了。

As I backed out of my driveway, I gunned the engine, making the turn at the end of my street toward Adam’s. Before I got to the main road, a song came on that had me hitting the brakes hard, nearly locking the wheels up. I closed my eyes as my memories of happier times assaulted me.
当我倒车离开车道时，我启动了引擎，在街道尽头转向亚当家。在我到达主干道之前，一首歌响起，让我用力踩刹车，差点把车轮锁死。我闭上眼睛，因为我对快乐时光的记忆袭击了我。

FALL 2008
2008 年秋季

The plane touched down, and we all started gathering our gear. Another six-month deployment in the books, and I was utterly exhausted. We had a thirty-day leave granted to the whole team. With that stretched out in front of us, I just wanted to get away from war and the teams and training and everything else.
飞机降落，我们都开始收拾装备。又进行了六个月的部署，我已经筋疲力尽了。我们给整个团队放了三十天的假。“面对我们面前的一切，我只想远离战争、球队、训练和其他一切。

I wanted to go somewhere no one knew Adam or me so we could lose ourselves in one another. I wanted to spend some time trying to piece together an actual relationship with the man I loved.
我想去一个没有人认识亚当或我的地方，这样我们就可以迷失在彼此身上。我想花一些时间尝试与我所爱的男人建立真正的关系。

I knew it was probably useless. Our situation hadn’t changed. It wouldn’t change until we retired, but the likelihood of us both making it through this fucking war seemed to be on the losing side. We’d lost so many troops, so many of our brothers, over the years. Adam had even had a close call during one of our ops.
我知道这可能没用。我们的情况没有改变。直到我们退休，这种情况才会改变，但我们俩都能度过这场该死的战争的可能性似乎是失败的一方。这些年来，我们失去了那么多的军队，失去了那么多的兄弟。亚当甚至在我们的一次行动中险些发生。

That had been some fucking scary-ass shit. He’d taken a round to the thigh, and we’d gotten lucky it hadn’t hit his femoral artery. We’d brought him back to base, and the docs had patched him up. After a few days of rest in sickbay, he was back to himself. Mostly.
那真是太可怕了。他打了一轮大腿，我们很幸运没有击中他的股动脉。我们把他带回了基地，医生已经给他修补了。在病室休息了几天后，他又恢复了自我。主要。

Two days after Adam was released from sickbay, Moses and the rest of the team had taken off on a minor intel op. They left me at the base to make sure Adam didn’t overdo it too much because we all knew he’d fucking push his luck.
亚当从病室出院两天后，摩西和团队的其他成员开始了一项小型情报行动。他们把我留在基地，以确保亚当不会做得太过分，因为我们都知道他他妈的会碰运气。

We were in the team’s common area, playing video games, when Adam said, “That scared me.”
我们在团队的公共区域玩电子游戏，这时亚当说：“这让我害怕了。

I got up to get some water to hide my emotions. I’d been a wreck when I’d heard over comms that Adam had been hit.
我起身去拿点水来掩饰我的情绪。当我通过通讯听说亚当被击中时，我简直崩溃了。

“Yeah. It freaked me out, too.”
“是的。这也把我吓坏了。

A few rounds of COD later, Adam said, “I bought a boat.”
几轮 COD 后，亚当说：“我买了一艘船。

I laughed. He could be so fucking random. “Oh, yeah? When?”
我笑了。他他妈的可以这么随意。“哦，是吗？什么时候？

“Right before we deployed. It’s in great shape, but could still use some work,” he said as we continued playing.
“就在我们部署之前。它的状态很好，但仍需要一些工作，“当我们继续玩时，他说。

Things between us before deployment had been odd. Still were. We weren’t together, but we were fucking regularly. Not what I wanted for the two of us, but at this point, I was willing to take what I could get.
部署前我们之间的事情很奇怪。还是。我们没有在一起，但我们经常做爱。这不是我想要的我们两个人，但在这一点上，我愿意接受我能得到的。

“So, what kinda boat did you buy?” I asked, looking over at him when the match ended.
“那么，你买的是什么船？”比赛结束后，我看着他问道。

Adam was rubbing his thigh and wincing. I got up, and grabbed him another drink and the pain meds the doctor had sent him back to the hooch with.
亚当揉着大腿，皱着眉头。我站起来，又给他拿了一杯饮料和医生送他回去的止痛药。

Adam looked up at me when I held out the water and meds. “Thanks. The boat’s built for deep sea fishing. I thought we could fly down together and bring it back to Vah Beach when we got home.”
当我拿出水和药物时，亚当抬头看着我。“谢谢。这艘船是为深海捕鱼而建造的。我想我们可以一起飞下来，回家后把它带回瓦海滩。

I stared at him, trying to decide what he was getting at. Did he want help or something more? I sat down and grabbed a controller. I chewed my lip. My mind whirled. And then I sighed.
我盯着他，试图确定他在说什么。他需要帮助还是其他什么？我坐下来拿起一个控制器。我咬了咬嘴唇。我的思绪旋转。然后我叹了口气。