How to get over ‘never good enough’
如何克服“永远不够好”的心态

Constructive or healthy perfectionism is a personality trait that is associated with finding enjoyment and fulfilment from doing things well. The focus is process-oriented, where you learn from your mistakes.
建设性或健康的完美主义是一种人格特质，表现为从做好事情中获得乐趣和满足感。其关注点是过程导向的，通过从错误中学习。

A darker side of perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system where the person thinks a perfect life can prevent or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment and blame. This form of perfectionism involves trying to constantly meet perceived expectations of what 'perfect' is.
完美主义的阴暗面是一种自我毁灭和上瘾的信念体系，认为完美的生活可以防止或减少羞耻感、评判和责备的痛苦感受。这种完美主义表现为不断努力满足对“完美”定义的感知期望。

A possible explanation of why people develop unhealthy perfectionism is that they grow up without a sense of support, safety, and nurturing. Another reason can be a reaction to childhood trauma or extreme cultural expectations, where appearing perfect is a strategy for survival.
人们发展出不健康完美主义的一个可能解释是，他们在成长过程中缺乏支持、安全感和关怀。另一个原因可能是对童年创伤或极端文化期望的反应，在这种情况下，表现得完美是一种生存策略。

The consequence of destructive perfectionism is often deep-seated emotional difficulties and unresolved traumatic experiences that might eventually turn into a potentially severe depression.
破坏性完美主义的后果往往是根深蒂固的情绪困难和未解决的创伤经历，这些最终可能演变成潜在的严重抑郁症。

1. Your perfectionism is fueled by a constant, critical inner voice of intense shame or fear.
   你的完美主义是由内心持续不断、充满强烈羞耻感或恐惧的批判声音驱动的。
2. You demonstrate an excessive sense of responsibility and look for solutions.
   你表现出过度的责任感，并寻找解决方案。
3. You are unable to accept and express painful emotions.
   你无法接受和表达痛苦的情绪。
4. You dismiss or discount abuse or trauma.
   你忽视或轻视虐待或创伤。
5. You worry a lot and avoid situations where you're not in control.
   你经常担忧，避免处于自己无法掌控的情境。
6. You are highly focused on tasks and expectations and validate yourself with your accomplishments.
   你高度专注于任务和期望，并通过自己的成就来肯定自己。
7. You have an active and sincere concern for the wellbeing of others, while seldom allowing anyone into your inner world.
   你对他人的福祉怀有积极而真诚的关心，但很少让任何人进入你的内心世界。
8. You feel you have to acknowledge your gratitude.
   你觉得自己必须表达感激之情。
9. You have emotional difficulty with personal intimacy.
   你在个人亲密关系上有情感上的困难。
10. You might have anxiety and control issues, such as obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), generalised anxiety disorder (GAD), panic and eating disorders.
    你可能有焦虑和控制问题，比如强迫症（OCD）、广泛性焦虑症（GAD）、恐慌症和饮食失调。

If you believe you are an unhealthy perfectionist and that it could be masking your own deep-rooted emotional problems, the following stages can benefit you.
如果你认为自己是不健康的完美主义者，并且这可能掩盖了你内心深处的情感问题，以下几个阶段可能对你有帮助。

• Consciousness: Becoming aware that your perfectionism is a problem.
  意识：意识到你的完美主义是一个问题。
• Commitment: Change the goal of commitment to that of intention.
  承诺：将承诺的目标转变为意图。
• Confrontation: Confronting your personal beliefs.
  对抗：面对你个人的信念。
• Connection: Connecting with feelings you've long suppressed.
  连接：与那些你长期压抑的情感建立联系。
• Change: Changing your behaviour.
  改变：改变你的行为。

Becoming aware of your perfectionism can be very complicated because you've convinced yourself that your perfectionist traits are normal and not a problem. It is good to understand that not everyone is like this.
意识到你的完美主义可能非常复杂，因为你已经说服自己认为你的完美主义特质是正常的，不是问题。理解并非每个人都是这样的，这一点很重要。

An exercise to develop more insight into the role that destructive perfectionism plays is mindfulness. Sit somewhere comfortable and set a timer for five minutes. Breathe deeply and close your eyes. Stay focused on your breath. If your mind wanders, gently let go of those thoughts and refocus on your breath. When the timer goes off, check your emotions, such as irritation, relief, feeling foolish. Simply notice and watch them dissipate.

1. Adopting such a rigid commitment that if you fail, you'll quit.
2. Beginning with a goal that's too hard or too big.
3. Going at your goal alone without accepting help.
4. Dealing with the fear and shame of giving up your persona.
5. Worsening mental difficulties such as OCD or an eating disorder.

The first two potential stumbling blocks can be mastered by changing the goal of commitment to that of intention. The third stumbling block can be conquered by reflecting on the instances where it would have been good to ask for help and considering scenarios with what you could've said or done. Journaling is the best way to overcome the fourth stumbling block. The fifth block is a reminder that you might need to put this work of halt for a time while attending to anxiety or another disorder.

Rules and beliefs interact. Your beliefs are something you accept to be true. Your rules govern your behaviour. Your rules can limit or expand your beliefs.

Confronting your personal beliefs is about identifying the rules you live by, then considering if they are still rules you want to follow. If a rule doesn't serve you well, write one out that could replace it.

You might be more aware of your own vulnerability and tendency to withdraw. However, if you don't connect with and process your emotional hurt, anger or sadness, they will govern your life.

In a supportive environment, create a timeline, then write 2, 4, 8, 12, 20, etc., on your timeline. Fill in both the good and hurtful things that occurred to you. The goal is to acknowledge the good and the bad. Connecting with pain teaches that you can tolerate it and that your vulnerabilities don't define you.

Seeing the positive results from the efforts you are making in dealing with destructive perfectionism will give you hope.

Go through the ten traits associated with perfectionism-fuelled depression, and with support from friends or family, think about specific ways you can risk behaviour change. Every small change is a win and worthy of celebration.